The sun behind the clouds
Yesterday I had a really neat day. My original plan for the day was to work on homework and studying for a few hours, take my car to get an emmisions test and then return to the books. However, I got a call from the ever lovely treetopbabe asking if I would like to hangout. She has tickets to the musuem and IMAX, which is still one of my favorite places to be. I get all cleaned up and dressed and head on over. Turns out her sister hurt her back and Kate whanted to do a care package, "hanging out cuz your gimpy" kind of thing. Which was much better I think! We watched the Dresden Files and Hot Fuzz (hilarity)! It was a really good time. She had an event that she was working for her other sister so we said our goodbyes and I headed home.
Dan was at work, Carl and Devon were camping. Mom and I are hanging out, watching tv, chatting, and then having a truly awful conversation. But thats ok. Then we decided to go window shopping for a bit. We both wanted to check out the Oak Creek Fashion Bug. Its bigger than the one I worked at. Much nicer. Soon enough "looking" turned into "shopping". It was very fun. I am very broke, but mom freely offered to buy me some things. I have two new beautiful sweaters, two pairs of fun shoes, and a lovely new purse. Thanks Mommy!!! When we came home there was a crazy fun game show on. It was a crossword game. We had a good time guessing and calling out answers. We chatted more until mom went to bed. I waited up until my younger brother got home and then went to bed myself. It was a very good day.
Except for one little part. I am going to put that nastiness here and I am going to leave it public. This next bit is going to be a bit dark and very personal. If you don't want to read it, please feel free to skip.
My cousin is going to jail, for a very long time. She tried to kill her son. Well I guess I shouldn't say it that way, that gives the implication there was desire to hurt the baby. There wasn't. Her son's father, her boyfriend, whatever you want to call him, had some money. It was a significant amount. I don't know where he got it, but instead of buying food or paying bills, or hell even a shopping spree, they decided to go on a bender. Drinking and drugs and all that jazz. She put the baby in his carseat and put him in his bedroom. For three weeks. Never changed him, never took him out. Neither one can remember the last time they fed him or gave him a bottle. At one point the father walked in on the baby and saw he was sweating so he opened a window. This was on tuesday. Those of you in WI know how cold it was tuesday and wednesday nights and that baby was fully exposed to the cold. When an ambulance was finally called, his eyes had rolled up to the back of his head. To the hospital his heart stopped twice. He was admitted with a core body temperature of 86 degrees. He is currently on life-support, in an induced coma in critical condition. That poor soul. Her and I were so close once, like sisters. I thought we would be like that always. I just don't know how things got so awful. For a long time I blamed myself. Maybe if I stuck around after grandpa, maybe if I hungout with her more, maybe if I wasn't so involved with my pain, with my problems and was there for her. Maybe I could have stopped it. Maybe I could have saved her. It took my own descent into darkness for me to discover, it wasn't my fault. I can love someone, want whats best for them, try my hardest to help them, but in the end its their choice. I tried to help her, I really did. But she didn't want the help. I am not responsible for her choices. I wish that she had called me, called anyone, asked for a babysitter, something, anything. But here is the thing that really scares me, what if that happens to me? There is something wrong inside of me. There are problems on both sides of my family. I don't want to be like that. My cousin, my dad's mother. I don't want to lose myself so completly that I can hurt someone close to me. I don't want to hate the world. I am so scared that I will got lost in my own insanity. A few people, my mom included, have tried to ease my fears. Telling me that I never relied on drinking and drugs, I recognize that I have a problem and that I need help, I go to people when I need them. And thats true, but my fears won't completly go away. I know the best thing for me to do is to keep doing what I am. Taking meds, doing my therapies, wanting to get better. I need to let go of the negativity I hold. To release my hate. I am in love. I love my cousin. I love that baby. I can not control people, or the world around me, I can only control myself. Dearest baby Gabe, I pray for you. I pray for whats best for you. Whether its better for you to return to the arms on the Goddess or stay on this plane. You have family here, you are loved and you will be missed, but I pray for what is best for you. A quick passing or healing strength. Be well, little one.
Today was an alright day as well. A long day at work, but I need the hours. I am hoping to get a bump soon, really hoping. Cross your fingers for me? More good time with my mom. I think I have an ear infection, swimmer's ear. Grargh! At the moment I am trying a home remedy that a friend of mine recommended. I think it made it worse, but I'll see won't I? Its getting colder and that makes me sad. But now its quite late and I have to work in the morning. Goodnight and pleasant dreams to you all.
Dan was at work, Carl and Devon were camping. Mom and I are hanging out, watching tv, chatting, and then having a truly awful conversation. But thats ok. Then we decided to go window shopping for a bit. We both wanted to check out the Oak Creek Fashion Bug. Its bigger than the one I worked at. Much nicer. Soon enough "looking" turned into "shopping". It was very fun. I am very broke, but mom freely offered to buy me some things. I have two new beautiful sweaters, two pairs of fun shoes, and a lovely new purse. Thanks Mommy!!! When we came home there was a crazy fun game show on. It was a crossword game. We had a good time guessing and calling out answers. We chatted more until mom went to bed. I waited up until my younger brother got home and then went to bed myself. It was a very good day.
Except for one little part. I am going to put that nastiness here and I am going to leave it public. This next bit is going to be a bit dark and very personal. If you don't want to read it, please feel free to skip.
My cousin is going to jail, for a very long time. She tried to kill her son. Well I guess I shouldn't say it that way, that gives the implication there was desire to hurt the baby. There wasn't. Her son's father, her boyfriend, whatever you want to call him, had some money. It was a significant amount. I don't know where he got it, but instead of buying food or paying bills, or hell even a shopping spree, they decided to go on a bender. Drinking and drugs and all that jazz. She put the baby in his carseat and put him in his bedroom. For three weeks. Never changed him, never took him out. Neither one can remember the last time they fed him or gave him a bottle. At one point the father walked in on the baby and saw he was sweating so he opened a window. This was on tuesday. Those of you in WI know how cold it was tuesday and wednesday nights and that baby was fully exposed to the cold. When an ambulance was finally called, his eyes had rolled up to the back of his head. To the hospital his heart stopped twice. He was admitted with a core body temperature of 86 degrees. He is currently on life-support, in an induced coma in critical condition. That poor soul. Her and I were so close once, like sisters. I thought we would be like that always. I just don't know how things got so awful. For a long time I blamed myself. Maybe if I stuck around after grandpa, maybe if I hungout with her more, maybe if I wasn't so involved with my pain, with my problems and was there for her. Maybe I could have stopped it. Maybe I could have saved her. It took my own descent into darkness for me to discover, it wasn't my fault. I can love someone, want whats best for them, try my hardest to help them, but in the end its their choice. I tried to help her, I really did. But she didn't want the help. I am not responsible for her choices. I wish that she had called me, called anyone, asked for a babysitter, something, anything. But here is the thing that really scares me, what if that happens to me? There is something wrong inside of me. There are problems on both sides of my family. I don't want to be like that. My cousin, my dad's mother. I don't want to lose myself so completly that I can hurt someone close to me. I don't want to hate the world. I am so scared that I will got lost in my own insanity. A few people, my mom included, have tried to ease my fears. Telling me that I never relied on drinking and drugs, I recognize that I have a problem and that I need help, I go to people when I need them. And thats true, but my fears won't completly go away. I know the best thing for me to do is to keep doing what I am. Taking meds, doing my therapies, wanting to get better. I need to let go of the negativity I hold. To release my hate. I am in love. I love my cousin. I love that baby. I can not control people, or the world around me, I can only control myself. Dearest baby Gabe, I pray for you. I pray for whats best for you. Whether its better for you to return to the arms on the Goddess or stay on this plane. You have family here, you are loved and you will be missed, but I pray for what is best for you. A quick passing or healing strength. Be well, little one.
Today was an alright day as well. A long day at work, but I need the hours. I am hoping to get a bump soon, really hoping. Cross your fingers for me? More good time with my mom. I think I have an ear infection, swimmer's ear. Grargh! At the moment I am trying a home remedy that a friend of mine recommended. I think it made it worse, but I'll see won't I? Its getting colder and that makes me sad. But now its quite late and I have to work in the morning. Goodnight and pleasant dreams to you all.