The lovers, the dreamers… and me
I know that for the rest of my life, I will never be able to actually implement anything. OK, scratch that. I'll implement things… a lot of things. But I'll never get anything done. My life will be spent chasing dreams and never really fulfilling them. Most of the time, I do know how to reach my goals. And these goals and dreams are important to me. But I never have the integrity. I sit on my ass until everything passes by. Then I think, it doesn't make a difference anyway. And perhaps one little goal not accomplished might not make a big difference. But everything has piled up, and these dreams could fill rooms and rooms of unspent energy and stamina. I wonder what kind of person I would be today if I actually went for and tried my best at everything that was presented in front of me. I would be on top of the world. I think about the opportunities that have been available and are still available. I just don't know why I never go out there and give it my best shot. I don't give anything my 100 percent.
It's been pretty bleak around here lately. My grades are shit. Not that I care but christ, if I don't buckle down and do some work, I might wind up with a D in Statistics. One D on my transcript and everything is OVER. No college, no dorm rooms, roommates, parties, or walking around a beautiful campus with trees and libraries. Everything that I want so badly will be gone. I'll be at home for two more years. My heart is already wildly fluttering. I just can't let myself down like this. Not to mention that my parents and everyone else would be so disappointed in me. If I don't get to college because of one class, I will be horribly ashamed. It's too important for me.
All other classes are OK. It's nothing I can't handle. English AP, which I thought I would die in at the beginning of the year, has been pretty good. But it's just Statistics. I don't know how I got myself into such a deep hole. I hope I can fix it. I really hope I can.
Tomorrow is Senior Ditch Day. I just want to lie in the sun or buy a new tankini. Perhaps we'll do some bodysurfing or volleyball. The weather is just fine now. Sunny, shorts-approved, and warm. This is true California weather. My mother said she would excuse me for the whole day from school. I was surprised because Ditch Day isn't a school-organized activity.
I so need this weekend. I'm only allowing myself to relax completely tomorrow. The rest of the weekend needs to be spent making up schoolwork, going to work, and spending time with my cousin, who's coming up for the long weekend from Irvine.
My friends have been quite pissy lately but at least we're laughing about our horrible attitudes now. Tonight, they are coming to watch Kim and myself at our school's Orchestra/Choir/Jazz Band Concert. After, I'm inviting them all over to swim at my house. It'll be fun since we got a light installed and the whole pool glows in the dark. I just dipped my foot in the pool and the water is delicious.
I wish all the muddy stuff in my head would go away.
later…
We are leaving for Santa Cruz at 7 fucking 30 in the morning tomorrow. Kim is crazy. She wants to beat the traffic. Dude, I'm sleeping in the car.
They all came over to swim right after my concert… all except for Jenny. We spent about an hour and a half in the pool and finally got out at 10:30. In between, I realized how much I've missed hanging out. We've only become so angry with each other lately because we haven't been spending time together. When we're apart for so long, false impressions start to come up. Tonight, we talked about prom and Diana's birthday plans… nothing much; there was a lot of joking around since after all, we were swimming. But it was enough to feel closely knit again like friends are supposed to. We might not be meant to be and probably will be happier with other friends we make in college. But they've taught me a lot about what it feels like to belong. I don't want to stay with them forever. But I definitely don't want to erase them from my memory.
It's been pretty bleak around here lately. My grades are shit. Not that I care but christ, if I don't buckle down and do some work, I might wind up with a D in Statistics. One D on my transcript and everything is OVER. No college, no dorm rooms, roommates, parties, or walking around a beautiful campus with trees and libraries. Everything that I want so badly will be gone. I'll be at home for two more years. My heart is already wildly fluttering. I just can't let myself down like this. Not to mention that my parents and everyone else would be so disappointed in me. If I don't get to college because of one class, I will be horribly ashamed. It's too important for me.
All other classes are OK. It's nothing I can't handle. English AP, which I thought I would die in at the beginning of the year, has been pretty good. But it's just Statistics. I don't know how I got myself into such a deep hole. I hope I can fix it. I really hope I can.
Tomorrow is Senior Ditch Day. I just want to lie in the sun or buy a new tankini. Perhaps we'll do some bodysurfing or volleyball. The weather is just fine now. Sunny, shorts-approved, and warm. This is true California weather. My mother said she would excuse me for the whole day from school. I was surprised because Ditch Day isn't a school-organized activity.
I so need this weekend. I'm only allowing myself to relax completely tomorrow. The rest of the weekend needs to be spent making up schoolwork, going to work, and spending time with my cousin, who's coming up for the long weekend from Irvine.
My friends have been quite pissy lately but at least we're laughing about our horrible attitudes now. Tonight, they are coming to watch Kim and myself at our school's Orchestra/Choir/Jazz Band Concert. After, I'm inviting them all over to swim at my house. It'll be fun since we got a light installed and the whole pool glows in the dark. I just dipped my foot in the pool and the water is delicious.
I wish all the muddy stuff in my head would go away.
later…
We are leaving for Santa Cruz at 7 fucking 30 in the morning tomorrow. Kim is crazy. She wants to beat the traffic. Dude, I'm sleeping in the car.
They all came over to swim right after my concert… all except for Jenny. We spent about an hour and a half in the pool and finally got out at 10:30. In between, I realized how much I've missed hanging out. We've only become so angry with each other lately because we haven't been spending time together. When we're apart for so long, false impressions start to come up. Tonight, we talked about prom and Diana's birthday plans… nothing much; there was a lot of joking around since after all, we were swimming. But it was enough to feel closely knit again like friends are supposed to. We might not be meant to be and probably will be happier with other friends we make in college. But they've taught me a lot about what it feels like to belong. I don't want to stay with them forever. But I definitely don't want to erase them from my memory.