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i empathized with his despair, but despite my compassion, i remained dettachted, fearing that when people claim to know me, i can no longer act freely... you are only as good as your last blog
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matthew
Last Updated:
May 23, 2005
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Friday, January 28, 2005
vampire in a tree (the fourth one)
She tells me that the weed was laced with something. it is her weed.
i am so high.
this isnt who i am. this was suppose to be a game. a part. not a reality.
i walk over to the faucet by my sink because i am about to smile and i dont want her to see. i try so fucking hard to fight the smile. she calls out my name. i swallow my smile and turn around. she has a smile on her face.
"i think this was laced with pcp or something.."
"are you fucking serious?"
"i dont know what it is. I found it in my friends mom's closet. this is the first time ive smoked it."
"fuck."
"are you okay"
"im tripping the fuck out."
is she for real? is she really trying to play game's?
wait. this isnt pretends anymore.
this is not suppose to be real.
i am feeling thing's.
this isnt right.
Who is this girl?
I watch her quickly from the corner of my eye. she smiles. I look at her and whisper..
"get down. very quietly..." I tell her.
i give in to her.
she looks at me strangely.
"Why?"
"Outside. my fucking neighbor. he is a drug dealer. and he is like a fucking vampire. he sucks peoples blood and shit."
"shut the fuck up. He is not. I have met a real vampire before"
"You have??"
She has??
"I have."
"One time when i was sitting out on my front porch smoking i noticed the branches move in my front yard. i looked up and my neighbor was up in the tree watching me.."
"shut the fuck up"
"Im serious. he is probably up there right now... do you want to go see?"
She stands still. she attempts to smile, but fails miserably.
"no.."
"cmone... come out side with me..."
"no. you are fucking crazy.."
"Me? its my neighbor. not me..."
"Im not going out there.."
"Cmone.. we will yell at him and ask him what he is doing"
"no!!"
"Why not? He wont do anything.."
"Im not going out front.. its cold."
"You can wear my jacket."
"this is not fucking funny"
She sits down on the couch and wont make eye contact with me.
"Im sorry."
"For what?"
"I dont know.."
"Where is your roomate?"
"He's working tonight. How come you dont want to go out front?"
"Fuck you. Asshole. You thought this shit was laced. I totally fucked with your ass."
"Why dont you want to go outside?"
She says nothing. another failed attempt to smile..
"Come on I will hold your hand" I tell her. " I think my friend Mimi is outside. that bitch. she is watching us."
" Who is that?"
"She's a good friend of mine. I met her in hollywood one night. I was just walking up highland by myself, it was right after the academy awards, they where taking apart the red carpet. it was four oclock and no one was in hollywood due to all the streets being closed off. Where there was once crowds of people there is now no one. I sat down to smoke a cigarette. She walked right past me. then she stopped. and without turning around, started taking steps backwards. she asked me who i was. after that we just started hanging out. i never know when she is coming over. she just shows up. She is a fucking whack job. she wont let me know anything about her life. She wont even tell me her real name. everytime I ask her she just say's "shhh.. there is some things in life we do not need to know"
"she sounds cool"
"she is a trip."
"How old is she?"
"I dont know"
She laughs.
" I know.. she just shows up at my window. and we go play. the last time we hung out we went to my friends apartment complex at four in the morning and she pulled the fire alarm, and his complex is huge, so all these people were coming out of there apartment's. it was crazy. we fucking took off."
"are you serious? why?"
"i dont know.. Hey anyway. Lets go outside."
"I dont want too."
"Oh shh! did you hear that! its my fucking neighbor again.
"I am going to go to the bath room"
she gets up and walks to the bathroom. I hear her whispering on her cell. i stand in the door way in the hall across from the bathroom. i startle her when she comes out. we go into my room.
we sit on my bed.
I tell her "if someone knocks on my door. we arent going to answer it, kay?"
"Okay.. ? why?"
"Because I dont want you to meet Mimi. She will be mean."
"why what will she do?"
"I dont know. she just makes fun of everybody."
"Okay then I dont want to meet her. I dont like people like that"
"she cant help it."
"so what time are you taking me home in the morning?"
" i can take you home now if you want"
"no i cant go home tonight."
"okay."
"because. i dont know, its a long story. but didnt you say you had to take me home early?"
"Yeah I have acting class tomorrow. I just have to get you home and be back before seven."
"okay. so who do you hang out with?"
"I have a friend. his name is Sterling."
"I see."
"do you?"
she smiles.
"my friends thought you were hott."
"they did? hh.. thats cool"
"Yeah they both approved of you. i told them to cough if they thought you were hott when you picked me up and to sneeze if they thought you were ugly. and they both coughed really loud."
"Oh thats why they coughed?"
"(laughs) Yeah..."
she smiles at me.
"you look really good tonight."
"then why were you being an asshole?"
"I wasnt. you were playing, so i was playing back.. thats all... we are just playing.. Right?"
"Yeah."
"We are playing right?"
"yeah."
"okay." I smile "so lets go have a cigarette out front really qucik."
"No.."
She leans into my chest embaressed and I kiss her face. she looks up at me and I place my hand on her thigh. I kiss her face again. she kisses my lips. we open our mouths and exchange tongues. i put my hands all over her. i bite her neck hard. she yells out.
"Im sorry"
"its okay. I like it."
I continue biting her all over. she starts biting me back. I start taking off her clothes. she is hesitant to take off her bra. On her left breast she has a large scar under her nipple. it looks like lips. she is ashamed of it. she doesnt want me to see. i assure her that it is okay.. I tell her I dont care. her scar is beautiful. she takes off her bra and covers her breast with her hand.
I continue biting her. I start kissing her stomach...
the next morning. i didnt sleep. i watched her sleep the whole night. she slept so peacefully. as for me, i havent slept in days. I look out my window. I know someone was watching us through the night.
1:15 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, January 27, 2005
"hold on I'll be back" (ThRee 0f 15)
this morning i have made sure to look extra clean.
i drag myself into my bathtub. i lay down, light a cigarette.
the faucet...
It wants to talk to me.
"Hey!"
The faucet say's nothing back.
head hurts.
mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng
mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIngmOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng
mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIngmOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng
mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG
MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIngmOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOviNG MOvIng
mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng
stop.
what am i doing? i am going to redondo beach. i dip my hand in the water. fuck! i got my fucking cigarette wet. i forgot i was smoking. i put out the cigarette. the tobacco floats at the top of the water. i stand up. i dry off. i get out.
driving. driving. the cars around me look like toy cars. this road is alive. it is a monster and it is going to eat me. any minute i will meet its mouth and it is going to swallow me in my car. fuck! i missed my fucking turn. god damnet. mother fucker. that stupid fuck behind me wont stop honking.
i flip him off.
he pulls up next to me. he is screaming. I spit. I spit so hard it slaps into my car window. it wasnt rolled down. oops.
i finally find my exit. here we are.. i am picking her up. tonight she is spending the night at my house.
i pull up to avenue c and get out of my car. she is standing at the stop sign sitting with her friends marcella and bri. she smiles when she see's me. she looks dissapointed, i think it is because i chopped off all my hair, but, it wasnt my fault.. i couldnt explain to her why in a way that she would understand.
It happened the night i saw a alternate world where god was satans cruelest trick. that night i learned. that was the night i decided to work for god.
bad trip.
i smile at them. my innocent eyes. i know nothing about the world. she will show me the way. i will enter her world. i already see it in her eyes. i see her dying. she is already dead.
no harm in kicking a dead body.
god tells me to proceed.
i am fucking hitler.
this is a spirtual quest.
i watch her as she gets into my car.
she is wearing her cut off gloves. she is dressed all in black. her black hair runs across her face. she is so beautiful.
i stop. i cant do this to her. i cant. this is wrong.
god tells me to proceed.
i proceed.
i enter. in her eyes i see a world i never imagined could exist. i take her home with me.
we sit in my living room. i show her my roomates bong. she thinks it is cool. we decide to smoke out of it.
i study her. the way i studied spaine. oh spaine. i forgot about spaine.
so sterling and i were in studio city. we stopped in at subway right next to the Regal. Sterling started talking to this black guy named Spaine. He was loud. he tried really hard to be funny. he was trying to act more black than he really was. that interested me. i invite him to sit down with us....
Spaine and i begin to talk. he is a struggiling actor. just like sterling and i. how original the three of us were sitting at that table..
My heart freezes in my chest. I thought i just saw Mimi.
"hold on Ill be back."
I run outside. i look both way's. there are people everywhere walking up this strip in studio city.
I walk through the crowd for a little bit. i could have sworn i saw her.
there is a lady with a purse in front of me. man with brief case. man with yellow t shirt. the family all wearing the same colored shirts.
no. not mimi. where is mimi? i walk back to subway. i open the door.
Sterling looks up at me. i didnt tell him where i was going. i sit back down. no one says anything about me getting up. i start talking to Spaine.
Spaine is telling us how pattionate he is about writing. he tells us he write raps.
i ask him to do a free style rap. his black face turns red and he tells me he cant do it on the spot. i got him. right there.
"Spain lets go on a walk"
Spaine and I walk off.
"So.." I ask. "Tell me about your writing.."
"Well.. my writing.. you see.. i havent really written anything.. like.. long. like too long. i mean. i was writing a movie- do you know what i like? i like, just sitting in a room with my boys. having some girls around. smoking some weed. and just, and just- having a good time. and writing and shit. i love that. i am passioante about that"
this isnt a fucking joke. i am sure. i got him right there as well.
"Spaine.. what do you write about?"
"You know.. you ever seen.. Jerry Maguire? Kind of like that. Its my favorite movie, and want to know why? because its about winning, its about struggiling, about going after your goals."
"So it reminds you of yourself?"
"Well. In some ways, yes. but I kind of write like that, like, i like stuff about life.. "
"Spaine lets hang out sometime and write? You should write with me and see what we come up with?"
"Okay.. sure..."
Cassie and I are in my house. she is dressed all in black again. we are holding my roomates bong. i light it for her. then she lights it for me.. oh how sweet. i look at her. she smiles, i can see she wants to play..
11:09 PM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
appetite for destruction (the second one of fifteen)
Step two.
I am in los angeles. she is in redondo beach. it is about a hour drive. I dont have a job. again. i got fired from my second job in five months.
The saddle ranch chop house. Hollywood. i was in the kitchen. anthonys fucking yelling in my face again. he is always in everyones fucking face. i have to go to the back and get the honey and then take it up front, pour them into the trays and then heat them up.
i can berly fucking see. the walls are slowly turning again. i hate when they do that... okay. where am i going? oh yeah. the back. for what?
i freeze. think. honey. yeah, honey. i walk into the back of the kitchen. the mexicans are in the kitchen. they are saying something to me, i dont know what the fuck they are saying.
what am i doing?
oh yeah. the honey. honey. honey.
i pick up the big bottle of honey. the walls are turning again. TJ walks in front of me. his eyes glow white and a evil smile grows over his face.
what am i doing? taking the honey to the front... the honey? i drop the honey all over the floor. Anthony look's directly at me.
"you did NOT just drop the fucking bucket of honey Scott!!"
shit.
i am walking out to my car. fucking fired. bullshit. my fucking car wont start again. this is such bullshit.
i reach into my pocket and pull out a cigarette. i walk around city walk. People are in every direction. I began to think. Too Much. Is this really what I want? This life? This mindset...
what is in the dark?
I just want to touch it. I just want to try it. I just want to be it. Even if I have to pretend. I want to experience it.
I was determined to learn the hard way.
appetite for destruction.
there are people everywhere. all different kinds of people. i follow a girl with red hair. I follow her to the coffee shop on the corner. She sit's and light's a cigarette. She see's me. she knows i have been following her. she knows.. because she was following me.
the girl with the red hair. this would be the first time our paths crossed. i gave her a name. her name is Red.
I go home. i hit the light switch beside my door. my pastels are scattered all over the floor. i reach down and undo my pants. i pulled out my dick and i begin to masterbate. I paint my pastels in cum. then i hang them on my wall.
the morning comes. i get into my car. i head to redondo to paint my masterpiece...
11:43 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
home | mail | sign out
matthew
Last Updated:
May 23, 2005
Post New Blog
Customize
Email to a Friend
Gender: Male
Sign: Aries
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Friday, January 28, 2005
vampire in a tree (the fourth one)
She tells me that the weed was laced with something. it is her weed.
i am so high.
this isnt who i am. this was suppose to be a game. a part. not a reality.
i walk over to the faucet by my sink because i am about to smile and i dont want her to see. i try so fucking hard to fight the smile. she calls out my name. i swallow my smile and turn around. she has a smile on her face.
"i think this was laced with pcp or something.."
"are you fucking serious?"
"i dont know what it is. I found it in my friends mom's closet. this is the first time ive smoked it."
"fuck."
"are you okay"
"im tripping the fuck out."
is she for real? is she really trying to play game's?
wait. this isnt pretends anymore.
this is not suppose to be real.
i am feeling thing's.
this isnt right.
Who is this girl?
I watch her quickly from the corner of my eye. she smiles. I look at her and whisper..
"get down. very quietly..." I tell her.
i give in to her.
she looks at me strangely.
"Why?"
"Outside. my fucking neighbor. he is a drug dealer. and he is like a fucking vampire. he sucks peoples blood and shit."
"shut the fuck up. He is not. I have met a real vampire before"
"You have??"
She has??
"I have."
"One time when i was sitting out on my front porch smoking i noticed the branches move in my front yard. i looked up and my neighbor was up in the tree watching me.."
"shut the fuck up"
"Im serious. he is probably up there right now... do you want to go see?"
She stands still. she attempts to smile, but fails miserably.
"no.."
"cmone... come out side with me..."
"no. you are fucking crazy.."
"Me? its my neighbor. not me..."
"Im not going out there.."
"Cmone.. we will yell at him and ask him what he is doing"
"no!!"
"Why not? He wont do anything.."
"Im not going out front.. its cold."
"You can wear my jacket."
"this is not fucking funny"
She sits down on the couch and wont make eye contact with me.
"Im sorry."
"For what?"
"I dont know.."
"Where is your roomate?"
"He's working tonight. How come you dont want to go out front?"
"Fuck you. Asshole. You thought this shit was laced. I totally fucked with your ass."
"Why dont you want to go outside?"
She says nothing. another failed attempt to smile..
"Come on I will hold your hand" I tell her. " I think my friend Mimi is outside. that bitch. she is watching us."
" Who is that?"
"She's a good friend of mine. I met her in hollywood one night. I was just walking up highland by myself, it was right after the academy awards, they where taking apart the red carpet. it was four oclock and no one was in hollywood due to all the streets being closed off. Where there was once crowds of people there is now no one. I sat down to smoke a cigarette. She walked right past me. then she stopped. and without turning around, started taking steps backwards. she asked me who i was. after that we just started hanging out. i never know when she is coming over. she just shows up. She is a fucking whack job. she wont let me know anything about her life. She wont even tell me her real name. everytime I ask her she just say's "shhh.. there is some things in life we do not need to know"
"she sounds cool"
"she is a trip."
"How old is she?"
"I dont know"
She laughs.
" I know.. she just shows up at my window. and we go play. the last time we hung out we went to my friends apartment complex at four in the morning and she pulled the fire alarm, and his complex is huge, so all these people were coming out of there apartment's. it was crazy. we fucking took off."
"are you serious? why?"
"i dont know.. Hey anyway. Lets go outside."
"I dont want too."
"Oh shh! did you hear that! its my fucking neighbor again.
"I am going to go to the bath room"
she gets up and walks to the bathroom. I hear her whispering on her cell. i stand in the door way in the hall across from the bathroom. i startle her when she comes out. we go into my room.
we sit on my bed.
I tell her "if someone knocks on my door. we arent going to answer it, kay?"
"Okay.. ? why?"
"Because I dont want you to meet Mimi. She will be mean."
"why what will she do?"
"I dont know. she just makes fun of everybody."
"Okay then I dont want to meet her. I dont like people like that"
"she cant help it."
"so what time are you taking me home in the morning?"
" i can take you home now if you want"
"no i cant go home tonight."
"okay."
"because. i dont know, its a long story. but didnt you say you had to take me home early?"
"Yeah I have acting class tomorrow. I just have to get you home and be back before seven."
"okay. so who do you hang out with?"
"I have a friend. his name is Sterling."
"I see."
"do you?"
she smiles.
"my friends thought you were hott."
"they did? hh.. thats cool"
"Yeah they both approved of you. i told them to cough if they thought you were hott when you picked me up and to sneeze if they thought you were ugly. and they both coughed really loud."
"Oh thats why they coughed?"
"(laughs) Yeah..."
she smiles at me.
"you look really good tonight."
"then why were you being an asshole?"
"I wasnt. you were playing, so i was playing back.. thats all... we are just playing.. Right?"
"Yeah."
"We are playing right?"
"yeah."
"okay." I smile "so lets go have a cigarette out front really qucik."
"No.."
She leans into my chest embaressed and I kiss her face. she looks up at me and I place my hand on her thigh. I kiss her face again. she kisses my lips. we open our mouths and exchange tongues. i put my hands all over her. i bite her neck hard. she yells out.
"Im sorry"
"its okay. I like it."
I continue biting her all over. she starts biting me back. I start taking off her clothes. she is hesitant to take off her bra. On her left breast she has a large scar under her nipple. it looks like lips. she is ashamed of it. she doesnt want me to see. i assure her that it is okay.. I tell her I dont care. her scar is beautiful. she takes off her bra and covers her breast with her hand.
I continue biting her. I start kissing her stomach...
the next morning. i didnt sleep. i watched her sleep the whole night. she slept so peacefully. as for me, i havent slept in days. I look out my window. I know someone was watching us through the night.
1:15 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, January 27, 2005
"hold on I'll be back" (ThRee 0f 15)
this morning i have made sure to look extra clean.
i drag myself into my bathtub. i lay down, light a cigarette.
the faucet...
It wants to talk to me.
"Hey!"
The faucet say's nothing back.
head hurts.
mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng
mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIngmOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng
mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIngmOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng
mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG
MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIngmOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOviNG MOvIng
mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng mOViNg MoVinNg MOviNG MOvIng
stop.
what am i doing? i am going to redondo beach. i dip my hand in the water. fuck! i got my fucking cigarette wet. i forgot i was smoking. i put out the cigarette. the tobacco floats at the top of the water. i stand up. i dry off. i get out.
driving. driving. the cars around me look like toy cars. this road is alive. it is a monster and it is going to eat me. any minute i will meet its mouth and it is going to swallow me in my car. fuck! i missed my fucking turn. god damnet. mother fucker. that stupid fuck behind me wont stop honking.
i flip him off.
he pulls up next to me. he is screaming. I spit. I spit so hard it slaps into my car window. it wasnt rolled down. oops.
i finally find my exit. here we are.. i am picking her up. tonight she is spending the night at my house.
i pull up to avenue c and get out of my car. she is standing at the stop sign sitting with her friends marcella and bri. she smiles when she see's me. she looks dissapointed, i think it is because i chopped off all my hair, but, it wasnt my fault.. i couldnt explain to her why in a way that she would understand.
It happened the night i saw a alternate world where god was satans cruelest trick. that night i learned. that was the night i decided to work for god.
bad trip.
i smile at them. my innocent eyes. i know nothing about the world. she will show me the way. i will enter her world. i already see it in her eyes. i see her dying. she is already dead.
no harm in kicking a dead body.
god tells me to proceed.
i am fucking hitler.
this is a spirtual quest.
i watch her as she gets into my car.
she is wearing her cut off gloves. she is dressed all in black. her black hair runs across her face. she is so beautiful.
i stop. i cant do this to her. i cant. this is wrong.
god tells me to proceed.
i proceed.
i enter. in her eyes i see a world i never imagined could exist. i take her home with me.
we sit in my living room. i show her my roomates bong. she thinks it is cool. we decide to smoke out of it.
i study her. the way i studied spaine. oh spaine. i forgot about spaine.
so sterling and i were in studio city. we stopped in at subway right next to the Regal. Sterling started talking to this black guy named Spaine. He was loud. he tried really hard to be funny. he was trying to act more black than he really was. that interested me. i invite him to sit down with us....
Spaine and i begin to talk. he is a struggiling actor. just like sterling and i. how original the three of us were sitting at that table..
My heart freezes in my chest. I thought i just saw Mimi.
"hold on Ill be back."
I run outside. i look both way's. there are people everywhere walking up this strip in studio city.
I walk through the crowd for a little bit. i could have sworn i saw her.
there is a lady with a purse in front of me. man with brief case. man with yellow t shirt. the family all wearing the same colored shirts.
no. not mimi. where is mimi? i walk back to subway. i open the door.
Sterling looks up at me. i didnt tell him where i was going. i sit back down. no one says anything about me getting up. i start talking to Spaine.
Spaine is telling us how pattionate he is about writing. he tells us he write raps.
i ask him to do a free style rap. his black face turns red and he tells me he cant do it on the spot. i got him. right there.
"Spain lets go on a walk"
Spaine and I walk off.
"So.." I ask. "Tell me about your writing.."
"Well.. my writing.. you see.. i havent really written anything.. like.. long. like too long. i mean. i was writing a movie- do you know what i like? i like, just sitting in a room with my boys. having some girls around. smoking some weed. and just, and just- having a good time. and writing and shit. i love that. i am passioante about that"
this isnt a fucking joke. i am sure. i got him right there as well.
"Spaine.. what do you write about?"
"You know.. you ever seen.. Jerry Maguire? Kind of like that. Its my favorite movie, and want to know why? because its about winning, its about struggiling, about going after your goals."
"So it reminds you of yourself?"
"Well. In some ways, yes. but I kind of write like that, like, i like stuff about life.. "
"Spaine lets hang out sometime and write? You should write with me and see what we come up with?"
"Okay.. sure..."
Cassie and I are in my house. she is dressed all in black again. we are holding my roomates bong. i light it for her. then she lights it for me.. oh how sweet. i look at her. she smiles, i can see she wants to play..
11:09 PM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
appetite for destruction (the second one of fifteen)
Step two.
I am in los angeles. she is in redondo beach. it is about a hour drive. I dont have a job. again. i got fired from my second job in five months.
The saddle ranch chop house. Hollywood. i was in the kitchen. anthonys fucking yelling in my face again. he is always in everyones fucking face. i have to go to the back and get the honey and then take it up front, pour them into the trays and then heat them up.
i can berly fucking see. the walls are slowly turning again. i hate when they do that... okay. where am i going? oh yeah. the back. for what?
i freeze. think. honey. yeah, honey. i walk into the back of the kitchen. the mexicans are in the kitchen. they are saying something to me, i dont know what the fuck they are saying.
what am i doing?
oh yeah. the honey. honey. honey.
i pick up the big bottle of honey. the walls are turning again. TJ walks in front of me. his eyes glow white and a evil smile grows over his face.
what am i doing? taking the honey to the front... the honey? i drop the honey all over the floor. Anthony look's directly at me.
"you did NOT just drop the fucking bucket of honey Scott!!"
shit.
i am walking out to my car. fucking fired. bullshit. my fucking car wont start again. this is such bullshit.
i reach into my pocket and pull out a cigarette. i walk around city walk. People are in every direction. I began to think. Too Much. Is this really what I want? This life? This mindset...
what is in the dark?
I just want to touch it. I just want to try it. I just want to be it. Even if I have to pretend. I want to experience it.
I was determined to learn the hard way.
appetite for destruction.
there are people everywhere. all different kinds of people. i follow a girl with red hair. I follow her to the coffee shop on the corner. She sit's and light's a cigarette. She see's me. she knows i have been following her. she knows.. because she was following me.
the girl with the red hair. this would be the first time our paths crossed. i gave her a name. her name is Red.
I go home. i hit the light switch beside my door. my pastels are scattered all over the floor. i reach down and undo my pants. i pulled out my dick and i begin to masterbate. I paint my pastels in cum. then i hang them on my wall.
the morning comes. i get into my car. i head to redondo to paint my masterpiece...
11:43 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove