Finally, she updates.
I find that since I write so much for school now, writing in a paper journal just seems to have lost its spark for me. I’m always on my computer and computers are where it’s at now. I find it easier to type an uber long entry rather than write one. I remember I used to write everyday, religiously. Now I just cannot be bothered. My hand cramps at the end of the days now, and sometimes it’s just easier to type.
Hence, why the El Jay is getting updated.
And while I realize that people I know read this, I did a lot of thinking over my break from school. I’ve decided to change. Not in a drastic way, but just be different and see if it gets me anywhere. The changes will be so small that hardly anyone will notice, but I will, and isn’t that the whole point of making the changes?
Looking back through this journal, it just seems to be all about a time when I seemed really happy. I was with George and in high school and everything was meadows and lemonade. Yeah, it’s not like that anymore. No George, no high school, no lemons. And I’m fine with that. That was Hayley of 2004-2005, and this is Hayley in 2006.
I took the breakup harder than I thought I was going to. Maybe because I knew it was coming, but I didn’t want to face it. And naturally, I blamed myself. But then I realized that if I just became the person George wanted me to be, I would be unhappy. Yeah, I could have been a girlfriend who didn’t care if he called or minded when he broke our plans. And hey, it could have been 100% fine with me if I could only see him once a week and never ever talk about my condition. I couldn’t be like that, and no matter who I much I may have loved George, that just wouldn’t have been fair.
I’ve just stopped thinking about what he thinks, it’s just easier that way. Does he ever think of me now? Does he miss me? Does he regret it? I can’t care, it just upsets me. It’s just easier for me to push him so far into the back of my mind that it’s almost as if he’s a figment of my imagination. I have faced it, and it hurt. It hurt a lot but I’m over it. I don’t cry when I think of him anymore and I don’t long for him. I don’t miss him because he never put me where I should have been on his list of priorities. Call that selfish, but I was always sacrificed for something “more important”. Why did I feel like I was never good enough for him? Because he made me. I pushed so far to the side that I was insignificant at times and that I’d be “okay” with that. So now, I’m pushing him so far to the side and I hope he’s “okay” with it. And I don’t care if he’s not, I’m done. I can’t dwell on it any longer. It’s not worth it.
So yes, college is awesome. I didn’t think I’d like it this much. Getting there is an absolute bitch but I’m so used to it, it’s almost as if I zone out while I’m on the subway. I put on my music or read and just think.
Okay, no maybe that’s not always the best thing!
My classes are awesome, I actually don’t feel like I’m learning! And the work load hasn’t been killer like I had anticipated. Sure, some weeks I felt like I was going to crumble under the heaviness of the work load, but that was rare. Everything is spread out enough to take it in stride. And I’ve made a promise to myself to NEVER STRESS because it’s not worth it. People who stress have not learned time management, it’s simple. But I guess that’s just the type of learner I am. I don’t have to do anything or write everything down for me to know the material. Hey, I got a GPA of 3.90 so I’m not about to change my habits!
This semester isn’t bad, I feel like I’m not at school that. The only part that sucks is I’m there later in the day rather than leaving at 2:30, like last semester. Now, I’m there until 4 pretty much three times a week, not getting home until almost 6. Though I do get to sleep in a bit, only one morning I have to get up at 5 AM. See, if I didn’t like it this much, I would so not do that.
I think the best part about college is the people I’ve met. And trust me, I have met a lot of interesting people. My two bestest friends now are Holly and Angie. It’s weird, I went to Porter with Holly, hardly said two words to her, and now we’re super close. I honestly can’t explain it but I knew what kind of person she is, I wouldn’t have waited so long to become her friend.
And Angie, what can I say about Angie? I think by far, she’s the nicest person I have ever met. So sweet and has such a good heart. At this point, aside from Matt because Matt will always be my best friend throughout, Angie is my best girl friend. I haven’t had a best girl friend since Justine and it’s really nice to have one. I thought I’d make a close knit group of friends in high school, but I just couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, the people I knew in high school were great, but mostly guys. So it’s nice to finally have a girl friend!
Plus there are so many other nice people I’ve met and a ton of annoying people who I don’t have time for. But that’s a completely different entry in itself. But I guess all is wondering about Hayley’s man situation. Well, it’s scarce. There’s this guy at Seneca, Ivan, who is really super nice and I’ve a feeling he likes me. Biggest problem? He’s like George in a different body. I think I only attract Serbian guys who are 22. So, maybe getting involved with him isn’t such a good idea, since he might remind me too much of George. But then, I can’t think like that, it’s not fair to Ivan. I don’t know, it’s new so I’ll see where it goes. Maybe I just need to have some fun now and not think so much about the future and long-term. Who knows, I might turn out to really like him.
On the topic of friends, I cannot help but bring up Bella, my little guinea pig. She passed away on December 31, and she was 5 years old. Words cannot express how much I miss her. It’s just so weird looking over at my dresser and having her not there. I miss talking to her in the mornings and letting her run around my bed while I did homework or read. Losing her was a real shock because I thought she was 100% healthy. But I guess it was old age. GP lived until about 5 as well, same with Kristin’s guinea pig Zeus. I just loved her so much and when she died, it was like a piece of me died too. I just hope that wherever she is, she’s happy and is eating all the carrots and grass she can handle!
So I resurrected the website and cannot believe how successful it is. It’s #2 on Google! So far I’m up to about 1,300 hits which is absolutely stunning, considering it’s only been up since November. The old site didn’t even reach that many hits and it was up for almost a year. I sort of think of it as a job, though I’m not getting paid for it. If I wasn’t getting traffic, I wouldn’t update frequently or put so much effort into it. But people are actually visiting and giving positive feedback and that’s making me want to continue.
It kind of started again because I needed to do something to occupy myself from George and now it’s turned into something I just love. I do it because I admire Mikael and think he deserves a website for him. Plus, the more popular and awesome he gets, the better the site will become. I’m sure he appreciates it, wherever he may be!
I guess I should end this entry now as if it isn’t long enough. The people on my friends list are going to kill me. Oh yeah, well I don’t believe in CUTS! Anyway, I promise to update more because I’m sure I’ll have lots to say.
Hence, why the El Jay is getting updated.
And while I realize that people I know read this, I did a lot of thinking over my break from school. I’ve decided to change. Not in a drastic way, but just be different and see if it gets me anywhere. The changes will be so small that hardly anyone will notice, but I will, and isn’t that the whole point of making the changes?
Looking back through this journal, it just seems to be all about a time when I seemed really happy. I was with George and in high school and everything was meadows and lemonade. Yeah, it’s not like that anymore. No George, no high school, no lemons. And I’m fine with that. That was Hayley of 2004-2005, and this is Hayley in 2006.
I took the breakup harder than I thought I was going to. Maybe because I knew it was coming, but I didn’t want to face it. And naturally, I blamed myself. But then I realized that if I just became the person George wanted me to be, I would be unhappy. Yeah, I could have been a girlfriend who didn’t care if he called or minded when he broke our plans. And hey, it could have been 100% fine with me if I could only see him once a week and never ever talk about my condition. I couldn’t be like that, and no matter who I much I may have loved George, that just wouldn’t have been fair.
I’ve just stopped thinking about what he thinks, it’s just easier that way. Does he ever think of me now? Does he miss me? Does he regret it? I can’t care, it just upsets me. It’s just easier for me to push him so far into the back of my mind that it’s almost as if he’s a figment of my imagination. I have faced it, and it hurt. It hurt a lot but I’m over it. I don’t cry when I think of him anymore and I don’t long for him. I don’t miss him because he never put me where I should have been on his list of priorities. Call that selfish, but I was always sacrificed for something “more important”. Why did I feel like I was never good enough for him? Because he made me. I pushed so far to the side that I was insignificant at times and that I’d be “okay” with that. So now, I’m pushing him so far to the side and I hope he’s “okay” with it. And I don’t care if he’s not, I’m done. I can’t dwell on it any longer. It’s not worth it.
So yes, college is awesome. I didn’t think I’d like it this much. Getting there is an absolute bitch but I’m so used to it, it’s almost as if I zone out while I’m on the subway. I put on my music or read and just think.
Okay, no maybe that’s not always the best thing!
My classes are awesome, I actually don’t feel like I’m learning! And the work load hasn’t been killer like I had anticipated. Sure, some weeks I felt like I was going to crumble under the heaviness of the work load, but that was rare. Everything is spread out enough to take it in stride. And I’ve made a promise to myself to NEVER STRESS because it’s not worth it. People who stress have not learned time management, it’s simple. But I guess that’s just the type of learner I am. I don’t have to do anything or write everything down for me to know the material. Hey, I got a GPA of 3.90 so I’m not about to change my habits!
This semester isn’t bad, I feel like I’m not at school that. The only part that sucks is I’m there later in the day rather than leaving at 2:30, like last semester. Now, I’m there until 4 pretty much three times a week, not getting home until almost 6. Though I do get to sleep in a bit, only one morning I have to get up at 5 AM. See, if I didn’t like it this much, I would so not do that.
I think the best part about college is the people I’ve met. And trust me, I have met a lot of interesting people. My two bestest friends now are Holly and Angie. It’s weird, I went to Porter with Holly, hardly said two words to her, and now we’re super close. I honestly can’t explain it but I knew what kind of person she is, I wouldn’t have waited so long to become her friend.
And Angie, what can I say about Angie? I think by far, she’s the nicest person I have ever met. So sweet and has such a good heart. At this point, aside from Matt because Matt will always be my best friend throughout, Angie is my best girl friend. I haven’t had a best girl friend since Justine and it’s really nice to have one. I thought I’d make a close knit group of friends in high school, but I just couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, the people I knew in high school were great, but mostly guys. So it’s nice to finally have a girl friend!
Plus there are so many other nice people I’ve met and a ton of annoying people who I don’t have time for. But that’s a completely different entry in itself. But I guess all is wondering about Hayley’s man situation. Well, it’s scarce. There’s this guy at Seneca, Ivan, who is really super nice and I’ve a feeling he likes me. Biggest problem? He’s like George in a different body. I think I only attract Serbian guys who are 22. So, maybe getting involved with him isn’t such a good idea, since he might remind me too much of George. But then, I can’t think like that, it’s not fair to Ivan. I don’t know, it’s new so I’ll see where it goes. Maybe I just need to have some fun now and not think so much about the future and long-term. Who knows, I might turn out to really like him.
On the topic of friends, I cannot help but bring up Bella, my little guinea pig. She passed away on December 31, and she was 5 years old. Words cannot express how much I miss her. It’s just so weird looking over at my dresser and having her not there. I miss talking to her in the mornings and letting her run around my bed while I did homework or read. Losing her was a real shock because I thought she was 100% healthy. But I guess it was old age. GP lived until about 5 as well, same with Kristin’s guinea pig Zeus. I just loved her so much and when she died, it was like a piece of me died too. I just hope that wherever she is, she’s happy and is eating all the carrots and grass she can handle!
So I resurrected the website and cannot believe how successful it is. It’s #2 on Google! So far I’m up to about 1,300 hits which is absolutely stunning, considering it’s only been up since November. The old site didn’t even reach that many hits and it was up for almost a year. I sort of think of it as a job, though I’m not getting paid for it. If I wasn’t getting traffic, I wouldn’t update frequently or put so much effort into it. But people are actually visiting and giving positive feedback and that’s making me want to continue.
It kind of started again because I needed to do something to occupy myself from George and now it’s turned into something I just love. I do it because I admire Mikael and think he deserves a website for him. Plus, the more popular and awesome he gets, the better the site will become. I’m sure he appreciates it, wherever he may be!
I guess I should end this entry now as if it isn’t long enough. The people on my friends list are going to kill me. Oh yeah, well I don’t believe in CUTS! Anyway, I promise to update more because I’m sure I’ll have lots to say.