rage
I have spent the past several hours being so angry I actively feel ill. I can't breathe, I'm still shaking... I have no anticipation of this stopping while I am awake so as soon as I finish this entry, I am going to sleep.
I have spent the past few weeks with Dave. Not every day, not every waking moment, but we have spent considerable time together. Sometimes it seems like maybe it is worth fighting for, worth the pain, worth the snide remarks and the anger, and sometimes it doesn't. But even when I don't know if its worth it, I still have hope.
Or I did. I no longer have hope. It's done. I'm done. I'm so angry and so.. upset and just so SICK to my stomach I don't even know if I can sleep.
I felt like maybe... maybe... if I tried hard enough or if I loved him enough, or if we were both working towards the same thing, maybe we would be that one in a million chance of being it for each other. Despite everything. Despite all of the pain we have put each other through. Maybe we could do it.
Only it turns out that everything he said to me was a lie. He didn't believe. He didn't think we could do it. He was actually interested in the girl he went on a date with. They have been keeping in touch. He lied so many times in the past few weeks I couldn't even begin to guess.
Last night we hung out and then he went to a party at the Astoria with his friends from work. He didn't invite me to come. I went to his place alone and went to bed. He came in, drunk, at 2am and talked about how he'd had a really good time. I wasn't happy. He hadn't wanted me to be there with him and I didn't understand why. I didn't understand why he didn't want to have me there, I didn't understand why he had had such a good time without me. It didn't sit right. This morning I tried not to think about it too much. I just wanted to be better. Be happy and be with him until I had to go out. So I put it away and we had a decent morning. He suggested a nap around 11:30 before I had to go out at 2, and we napped. I woke up and showered and got ready and then gave in to my gut feeling and looked at his phone.
That's really all there is to that story. I had a feeling. That feeling turned out to be more than justified. I don't know what made me madder... that he was excited when she sent him a text saying she had to delete his number from his phone so she didn't send him drunken slutty text messages or that he had drunk texted her last night on his way from the party back to me waiting in his bed.
I have no words for how unbelievably angry I was. I still haven't been able to grasp it. How shaken I was. How not upset you sounded on the phone when I left and called to tell you that you're an asshole and I'm done and I never want anything to do with you ever again. How it seems like nobody gives a shit anymore. How it's too much and maybe it wouldn't have been if I had been aware of any of it. It's THE SAME FUCKING SHIT AS BEFORE.
Different girl. Same lies. Same fucking excuse for lying. And you tell me you love me. And you tell me you see a future with us. And you tell me you still hope that I'm that girl for you.
How the FUCK can you say those things and expect me to believe them when you're busy talking to this chick you went on a date with? When you're lying to me day in and day out. When you're then turning to me and saying don't lie to me like you're the most self-righteous man alive.
It's all bullshit. It's all lies. The past year of my life has been one big fucking lie. It wasn't what I thought. You're not who I thought you were. I don't know you at all anymore. Maybe I never knew you. We're done.
I just want to curl up in a ball and not think about it. But I know as soon as I put the computer away instead of having my anger around me I will crumble and crash and spiral and be so unspeakably sad...the anger never lasts long... all I really want is to be loved. To love and to be loved by one person. The anger gives way to sadness at not having that, at never having that, at thinking maybe I had it and then waking up and finding out it was all a lie.
I'm done.
I have spent the past few weeks with Dave. Not every day, not every waking moment, but we have spent considerable time together. Sometimes it seems like maybe it is worth fighting for, worth the pain, worth the snide remarks and the anger, and sometimes it doesn't. But even when I don't know if its worth it, I still have hope.
Or I did. I no longer have hope. It's done. I'm done. I'm so angry and so.. upset and just so SICK to my stomach I don't even know if I can sleep.
I felt like maybe... maybe... if I tried hard enough or if I loved him enough, or if we were both working towards the same thing, maybe we would be that one in a million chance of being it for each other. Despite everything. Despite all of the pain we have put each other through. Maybe we could do it.
Only it turns out that everything he said to me was a lie. He didn't believe. He didn't think we could do it. He was actually interested in the girl he went on a date with. They have been keeping in touch. He lied so many times in the past few weeks I couldn't even begin to guess.
Last night we hung out and then he went to a party at the Astoria with his friends from work. He didn't invite me to come. I went to his place alone and went to bed. He came in, drunk, at 2am and talked about how he'd had a really good time. I wasn't happy. He hadn't wanted me to be there with him and I didn't understand why. I didn't understand why he didn't want to have me there, I didn't understand why he had had such a good time without me. It didn't sit right. This morning I tried not to think about it too much. I just wanted to be better. Be happy and be with him until I had to go out. So I put it away and we had a decent morning. He suggested a nap around 11:30 before I had to go out at 2, and we napped. I woke up and showered and got ready and then gave in to my gut feeling and looked at his phone.
That's really all there is to that story. I had a feeling. That feeling turned out to be more than justified. I don't know what made me madder... that he was excited when she sent him a text saying she had to delete his number from his phone so she didn't send him drunken slutty text messages or that he had drunk texted her last night on his way from the party back to me waiting in his bed.
I have no words for how unbelievably angry I was. I still haven't been able to grasp it. How shaken I was. How not upset you sounded on the phone when I left and called to tell you that you're an asshole and I'm done and I never want anything to do with you ever again. How it seems like nobody gives a shit anymore. How it's too much and maybe it wouldn't have been if I had been aware of any of it. It's THE SAME FUCKING SHIT AS BEFORE.
Different girl. Same lies. Same fucking excuse for lying. And you tell me you love me. And you tell me you see a future with us. And you tell me you still hope that I'm that girl for you.
How the FUCK can you say those things and expect me to believe them when you're busy talking to this chick you went on a date with? When you're lying to me day in and day out. When you're then turning to me and saying don't lie to me like you're the most self-righteous man alive.
It's all bullshit. It's all lies. The past year of my life has been one big fucking lie. It wasn't what I thought. You're not who I thought you were. I don't know you at all anymore. Maybe I never knew you. We're done.
I just want to curl up in a ball and not think about it. But I know as soon as I put the computer away instead of having my anger around me I will crumble and crash and spiral and be so unspeakably sad...the anger never lasts long... all I really want is to be loved. To love and to be loved by one person. The anger gives way to sadness at not having that, at never having that, at thinking maybe I had it and then waking up and finding out it was all a lie.
I'm done.