truth
Bear with me. I'm not entirely sure where my thoughts are going to wind up this morning, but I need to get everything out.
Yesterday was a hard day. I spent most of the day laying in my living room watching a Hills marathon and wondering why I never heard from Dave at all the previous night or the morning. I thought he would at least try to get in touch with me, but so far as I knew, he hadn't. As I stated in my previous entry, that made me feel like he was suddenly okay with how things were... like he didn't need to talk to me anymore, like he was fine without me, and rational or not, I couldn't shake it.
I was... hurt, a lot, and everything I was thinking about made me hurt more. When I finally spoke with Dave on msn yesterday, I had a lot of confusion that presented itself in anger. All I really wanted to know was that he still needed me, that he was still sad, that I had meant more to him than just a week of grief. I wanted, as I've stated so many times in this stupid journal, to matter.
We talked and I cried and then I got ready to go to two birthday parties and then we talked on the phone and I tried not to cry because I hadn't brought my makeup with me to fix myself if I did cry, and then I went to party # 1. I think I knew even then that I would go to see Dave after the night was over. Even though I said I wouldn't. Even though I knew it wasn't a good idea.
I needed to. I needed to see how it felt to be with him, to see him, to be around him in what used to feel like home.
The parties were mostly fun. Party # 1 was @ Steamworks for my co-worker Nicole's birthday. We had dinner and drinks, and talked and laughed. Party # 2 was @ Blarney Stone for Lauren's birthday, and I managed to get Nicole's party to continue there so I didn't have to bail out early. We danced a lot early on, until the live band started and then we sat til they finished their set. More dancing ensued post-live band and I was still having a good time until this random, weirdish guy started trying to dance with me. I ignored it mostly, just wishing he would go away, and then he asked my name.
I didn't want to tell him my name, but I've never been good at on the spot lies. The music was loud though, so he didn't hear me, and I motioned that I couldn't hear him and then went with Nicole to get a drink. It was sort of downhill from there.
All I wanted was to make an excuse and leave and go see Dave and talk with him and figure this out. Yes, I'm angry still. Yes, we have issues aside from the lies, but I miss him. Every day.
11:30PM rolled around and I was tired and covered in other people's sweat from the dance floor so I made my excuses and said happy birthdays and left. I flagged down a cab (felt so classy!) and told the driver Dave's cross-streets. I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with him, even if it was just me on the couch and him in his bed, I just wanted him to be there.
I was so happy to see him, so happy to see Bonk, I just felt all the anger melt away. And maybe it would have only been for a night, but it would have been a good night at least. We talked and I held Bonk and petted him and he was so cuddly and adorable and I just missed him so damn much and I missed the life he represented...
I sat on the couch in my dress willing Dave to hold my hand or ask for a hug or kiss me or something. I needed to feel him, needed to know that he still wanted me.
Instead he said he thought the wise thing to do would be to walk me to a cab and send me home. He said he wanted me to stay but the wise thing to do was to have me go. So he walked me to a cab. I cried the whole way home.
I think more than anything, it hurt my pride, which after yesterday was bruised enough. I just wanted you. And you put me in a cab.
We talked on the phone afterwards, for over an hour. But I don't feel better. I feel lost. I needed you to find me, to pick me up, to save me from this hell that you've put me in. And you couldn't even do that.
I know. I know you did it for the right reasons, I know you explained it, but it still HURTS. I just wanted to remember what it felt like to not be sad, to not feel cold all the time, to not feel nothing. And just like everything else, you took it away from me.
I know. I know this entry isn't fair. I know you said you can't handle losing me again, that you don't want me back for a night or for a couple days and then for something to go wrong and us to break up again, that if we did it you want me back forever. I know that.
But I just wanted you.
Yesterday was a hard day. I spent most of the day laying in my living room watching a Hills marathon and wondering why I never heard from Dave at all the previous night or the morning. I thought he would at least try to get in touch with me, but so far as I knew, he hadn't. As I stated in my previous entry, that made me feel like he was suddenly okay with how things were... like he didn't need to talk to me anymore, like he was fine without me, and rational or not, I couldn't shake it.
I was... hurt, a lot, and everything I was thinking about made me hurt more. When I finally spoke with Dave on msn yesterday, I had a lot of confusion that presented itself in anger. All I really wanted to know was that he still needed me, that he was still sad, that I had meant more to him than just a week of grief. I wanted, as I've stated so many times in this stupid journal, to matter.
We talked and I cried and then I got ready to go to two birthday parties and then we talked on the phone and I tried not to cry because I hadn't brought my makeup with me to fix myself if I did cry, and then I went to party # 1. I think I knew even then that I would go to see Dave after the night was over. Even though I said I wouldn't. Even though I knew it wasn't a good idea.
I needed to. I needed to see how it felt to be with him, to see him, to be around him in what used to feel like home.
The parties were mostly fun. Party # 1 was @ Steamworks for my co-worker Nicole's birthday. We had dinner and drinks, and talked and laughed. Party # 2 was @ Blarney Stone for Lauren's birthday, and I managed to get Nicole's party to continue there so I didn't have to bail out early. We danced a lot early on, until the live band started and then we sat til they finished their set. More dancing ensued post-live band and I was still having a good time until this random, weirdish guy started trying to dance with me. I ignored it mostly, just wishing he would go away, and then he asked my name.
I didn't want to tell him my name, but I've never been good at on the spot lies. The music was loud though, so he didn't hear me, and I motioned that I couldn't hear him and then went with Nicole to get a drink. It was sort of downhill from there.
All I wanted was to make an excuse and leave and go see Dave and talk with him and figure this out. Yes, I'm angry still. Yes, we have issues aside from the lies, but I miss him. Every day.
11:30PM rolled around and I was tired and covered in other people's sweat from the dance floor so I made my excuses and said happy birthdays and left. I flagged down a cab (felt so classy!) and told the driver Dave's cross-streets. I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with him, even if it was just me on the couch and him in his bed, I just wanted him to be there.
I was so happy to see him, so happy to see Bonk, I just felt all the anger melt away. And maybe it would have only been for a night, but it would have been a good night at least. We talked and I held Bonk and petted him and he was so cuddly and adorable and I just missed him so damn much and I missed the life he represented...
I sat on the couch in my dress willing Dave to hold my hand or ask for a hug or kiss me or something. I needed to feel him, needed to know that he still wanted me.
Instead he said he thought the wise thing to do would be to walk me to a cab and send me home. He said he wanted me to stay but the wise thing to do was to have me go. So he walked me to a cab. I cried the whole way home.
I think more than anything, it hurt my pride, which after yesterday was bruised enough. I just wanted you. And you put me in a cab.
We talked on the phone afterwards, for over an hour. But I don't feel better. I feel lost. I needed you to find me, to pick me up, to save me from this hell that you've put me in. And you couldn't even do that.
I know. I know you did it for the right reasons, I know you explained it, but it still HURTS. I just wanted to remember what it felt like to not be sad, to not feel cold all the time, to not feel nothing. And just like everything else, you took it away from me.
I know. I know this entry isn't fair. I know you said you can't handle losing me again, that you don't want me back for a night or for a couple days and then for something to go wrong and us to break up again, that if we did it you want me back forever. I know that.
But I just wanted you.