two entries in one day
I know. It's madness. I leave for 6 weeks and then my first day with internet I write twice. Insanity. That's just the status of my life right now.
Today was a... weird/heavy/intense/random/sad/relaxing (?) sort of day. I don't really know how to explain it so I will just write about what happened and see what comes out.
I met up with Dave today to get some money from him for the evil dead ticket I had originally paid for when we were going to go together. Since we broke up, I thought I might try to go with some other people, but I didn't want to pay for it twice, so I asked him to pay me back for it. So we met up today.
After I wrote this morning I realized that in spite of how angry I am/was/am about how he handled everything, I still care about him, and I still want to be his friend. He's been my best friend for the past 6 months (7 months would have been Friday officially, although unofficially it was last Friday when we broke up... wow didn't realize that before...) but yeah. I talk to him about everything, and I spend the majority of my time with him, and I had been missing him for the past few days.
We met at brentwood and I had some errands to run so I said he could come with me if he wanted to, and he did. We hung out for the next few hours, and it was... fun... but in a sad way, like there was always something missing... no hand holding, and no kisses, just some sad, and fierce hugs. There is a part of me that wanted to grab his hand and just take comfort in him... in holding him... but I know it would lead us right back here again because we would have to deal with what happened and no matter what he says... I can't forgive him. I just... I can't.
We said some sad goodbyes, and I cried as I was leaving... he kept pressing me to come to the canucks game he bought us tickets to for tomorrow night. I wanted to say okay but I kept thinking about how it was supposed to be a date and how easy it would be to fall into that and pretend like everything was okay and just melt back into his arms and his kisses and just... forget. And I'm not ready to do that. I feel like I deserve better than just pretending or forgetting...
I went home and watched Glee on my computer for a bit before meeting James for dinner. I know. WTF. I thought the same thing. But there you go. We went to Milestones and talked and ate... I don't know what he thinks of us hanging out (this being the second time now) but usually there comes a point (and it's usually pretty early on) where I wonder whether he ever sees me... I mean the way he did when he fell in love with me... I wonder if he misses me at all. I play with the idea of asking him, but I never do, and I never will. It isn't fair to either of us that I ask.
I've gotten to a good point I think though. I can talk normally about Eileen without wanting to stab myself, or James, or her, and for the most part, I can give him relationship advice without wanting to say "THIS is who you dumped me for, you better fucking make it work you selfish jackass". Mostly.
Tonight he mentioned that she was stressed out about school and taking it out on him and they were fighting a lot about nothing and I said "it's just school stress, it's the first couple weeks of her second year, she'll normalize. you guys will figure it out. relax" and he just said "yeah I guess" and I was like "it's a sad state of affairs when I'M the optimistic one in this friendship."
Part of me was happy to hear that they were having problems, but it's a much smaller part of me than I would have thought. I want him to be happy. And I know I've said that before, but I really, really do. It's why I bite my tongue about awkwardness, and why I try really hard to seem normal when we're talking about Eileen. It's why I never ever bring up how much he hurt me. I want him to be happy.
I think there is a part of me that still misses our relationship, and always will. But I know we were never right together, not the way I convinced myself we were. My missing him is always coloured by how much I wanted us to work, by the length of time we spent together, and the home I thought we were building.
Which sort of brings me full circle. As I was walking home from spending time with Dave, I kept thinking about Bonk... about how we were supposed to be making a family and a life together and how much I missed the cat and the life he represented. I miss knowing you and knowing that you knew me... I miss... making you laugh, and saying "tell me something" without knowing it was going to be something heartbreakingly sad. I miss knowing I would have someone to watch my shows with every week. I miss wondering what Christmas would bring this year, and planning decorating your stupid couch. I miss the stupid thing, the little things, the big things, the sad things, the happy things...
I'm sad right now. And I want to call you and hear your voice and give in to this weakness that just wants to be held, but I can't because as sad as I am... I am still so angry and so hurt. It seems so simple to write it that way, but it's the truth. You lied to me again. About her. Sometimes I forget to breathe...
Today was a... weird/heavy/intense/random/sad/relaxing (?) sort of day. I don't really know how to explain it so I will just write about what happened and see what comes out.
I met up with Dave today to get some money from him for the evil dead ticket I had originally paid for when we were going to go together. Since we broke up, I thought I might try to go with some other people, but I didn't want to pay for it twice, so I asked him to pay me back for it. So we met up today.
After I wrote this morning I realized that in spite of how angry I am/was/am about how he handled everything, I still care about him, and I still want to be his friend. He's been my best friend for the past 6 months (7 months would have been Friday officially, although unofficially it was last Friday when we broke up... wow didn't realize that before...) but yeah. I talk to him about everything, and I spend the majority of my time with him, and I had been missing him for the past few days.
We met at brentwood and I had some errands to run so I said he could come with me if he wanted to, and he did. We hung out for the next few hours, and it was... fun... but in a sad way, like there was always something missing... no hand holding, and no kisses, just some sad, and fierce hugs. There is a part of me that wanted to grab his hand and just take comfort in him... in holding him... but I know it would lead us right back here again because we would have to deal with what happened and no matter what he says... I can't forgive him. I just... I can't.
We said some sad goodbyes, and I cried as I was leaving... he kept pressing me to come to the canucks game he bought us tickets to for tomorrow night. I wanted to say okay but I kept thinking about how it was supposed to be a date and how easy it would be to fall into that and pretend like everything was okay and just melt back into his arms and his kisses and just... forget. And I'm not ready to do that. I feel like I deserve better than just pretending or forgetting...
I went home and watched Glee on my computer for a bit before meeting James for dinner. I know. WTF. I thought the same thing. But there you go. We went to Milestones and talked and ate... I don't know what he thinks of us hanging out (this being the second time now) but usually there comes a point (and it's usually pretty early on) where I wonder whether he ever sees me... I mean the way he did when he fell in love with me... I wonder if he misses me at all. I play with the idea of asking him, but I never do, and I never will. It isn't fair to either of us that I ask.
I've gotten to a good point I think though. I can talk normally about Eileen without wanting to stab myself, or James, or her, and for the most part, I can give him relationship advice without wanting to say "THIS is who you dumped me for, you better fucking make it work you selfish jackass". Mostly.
Tonight he mentioned that she was stressed out about school and taking it out on him and they were fighting a lot about nothing and I said "it's just school stress, it's the first couple weeks of her second year, she'll normalize. you guys will figure it out. relax" and he just said "yeah I guess" and I was like "it's a sad state of affairs when I'M the optimistic one in this friendship."
Part of me was happy to hear that they were having problems, but it's a much smaller part of me than I would have thought. I want him to be happy. And I know I've said that before, but I really, really do. It's why I bite my tongue about awkwardness, and why I try really hard to seem normal when we're talking about Eileen. It's why I never ever bring up how much he hurt me. I want him to be happy.
I think there is a part of me that still misses our relationship, and always will. But I know we were never right together, not the way I convinced myself we were. My missing him is always coloured by how much I wanted us to work, by the length of time we spent together, and the home I thought we were building.
Which sort of brings me full circle. As I was walking home from spending time with Dave, I kept thinking about Bonk... about how we were supposed to be making a family and a life together and how much I missed the cat and the life he represented. I miss knowing you and knowing that you knew me... I miss... making you laugh, and saying "tell me something" without knowing it was going to be something heartbreakingly sad. I miss knowing I would have someone to watch my shows with every week. I miss wondering what Christmas would bring this year, and planning decorating your stupid couch. I miss the stupid thing, the little things, the big things, the sad things, the happy things...
I'm sad right now. And I want to call you and hear your voice and give in to this weakness that just wants to be held, but I can't because as sad as I am... I am still so angry and so hurt. It seems so simple to write it that way, but it's the truth. You lied to me again. About her. Sometimes I forget to breathe...