stuff....
in my head I've composed a list of all the reasons why the way things stand is how things should stay. but I guess that requires me to explain how things are...
I've been going through a... transitional period in my life lately... everything is in flux, as I am constantly saying, I am finished school, moved out into my first place all on my own, etc etc. this has caused me to seriously consider my future: what I want for myself, what I want from other people, what I think is possible.
I know I want to get married, have kids, and find a job that I love. I am working on the job thing now, trying to suss out whether publishing is really what I am passionate about, or whether editing is, or whether maybe starting my own business would be something I might want to pursue. I take notes in my head whenever I talk to my boss, or other people in my life who run businesses. I think about what I would do differently, how I would run it...
but that isn't really what this entry is about. I want to get married... and I want to get married one time, one time only, and spend the rest of my life with one person. And the more I think about the future, the more I wonder if Dave is the guy I am supposed to be with. We have had problems from the start... trust issues, communication issues... things I never even wrote about or even let myself think about too much. but after we got back from Whistler, I couldn't stop thinking about them... Whistler was great, but it felt... grown up to me. Yes, we goofed around a lot, but this was my first vacation with a boy where we actually went somewhere. With James we always went to Osoyoos and stayed at his parents place there... this was just us, venturing out on our own, paying our own way. It felt... different. I felt... older. And I've begun to feel like I need to figure my life out.
I know that's my doing, that as much as people ask me what's next after I finish school, nobody will think badly of me for not knowing. But I've always liked to know... I like having a plan... I like having it figured out... at the very least I want to know that I'm on a path, and lately I've felt like I'm drifting rather than taking my life into my own hands.
I've digressed a bit. my point was... I was thinking about the future, my future, and trying to see if Dave was part of it. lately I've been... distant... I said awhile ago when things were really bad that I didn't know if I would, or could, come back as close as I had been when we first started dating.. I don't think I ever did... and I think as time has gone on, I've moved further away.
I always say that I want someone who I can trust, who I can depend on, who will talk to me about everything, who is not only honest but forthright voluntarily, who loves me for me, who makes me happy, who I love.
It's sort of a blur now... but on Friday night I broke up with Dave. I just... we were fighting about something and I said I thought he should go, and he left... he said goodbye and he just left. and I called him and said goodbye and I wished him good things and goodbye. he called me back a while later and I just... let out all of the things that have been bothering me lately... just said everything on my mind... and said I was done... we were done.
I won't talk about how the rest of the conversation went because it seems private, and as much as this is my journal, it still seems wrong. suffice it to say, I asked him to bring my stuff on Saturday to my work. he did, in a box that ironically said "packed with happiness [zappos]". we wound up talking and eating an early dinner together...
I feel... nothing. I know I should feel bad, or sad, or something, but honestly I feel nothing. I'm angry sometimes, I'm sad sometimes, but mostly I just feel completely detached. I'm tired of being angry and frustrated. I'm tired of not being happy and of it just... being forgotten because you're happy. I'm tired of having to wait 6 months for you to man up and figure your life out.
I know that's harsh. I know, and I'm sorry.
but that doesn't make it not true.
I stuck around when you spent an entire night and morning lying to my face. I stuck around when after that you lied to me for several hours on the phone. I stuck around when you compulsively lied to me about the same stupid fucking girl from the internet. I stuck around when you made plans to drink wine and play scrabble USING OUR FUCKING SCRABBLE BOARD with said stupid fucking girl from the internet. I stuck around when you told your ex girlfriend that you didn't see a future with me but you were fond of me so that's why we were together. I stuck around when you made me feel like a complete and total fool. I stuck around when you said you thought we were broken up and you logged back on to pof. I stuck around when you read messages from girls from pof, EVEN THOUGH YOU CLEARLY KNEW AT THAT POINT WE WEREN'T BROKEN UP. I stuck around when you consistently didn't learn from the previous fights and conversations we had about the same fucking thing. I stuck around when you said you didn't know how to talk to me. I stuck around when I found out that you belonged to a website where they rate hookers. I stuck around even though throughout this whole thing, you never really have an explanation for any of this stuff. I stuck around even though your answer to everything is I don't know.
And then the doctor stuff comes up. And I tell you about how EVERY SINGLE GUY I've dated has needed to talk to someone, and how every single guy I've dated swears up and down that he will go see someone, and how EVERY SINGLE GUY never does and is full of shit. And okay, yes, you took a step, and okay, yes, now you've taken another one, but maybe it took just that little bit too long. Maybe I'm just... done, and I just didn't want to admit it to myself because I wanted you.
I'm so frustrated. I'm so... tired. I'm just... I just want to be happy. I want to find that happy ending. I want to not feel like a fool anymore, not feel like an idiot, not feel like I just stuck around too long to find out that once again I held out for something that isn't coming.
The 25th of this month would have been 6 months. Half a year. I said before that if this amount of thing had happened over 6 years it wouldn't be that bad, but its been 6 months... I've dated guys for a lot longer than this that haven't had this much stuff happen... so why am I still here?
that's the question on my mind...
sometimes I think it's because there is a part of me that believes it can work... that you really are changing...
sometimes I think its because I don't know when to let go.
sometimes I think it's because I really did love you
sometimes I think it's because I'm a complete fool, totally gullible and I'm falling for another line of bullshit
sometimes I think it's because I'm a glutton for punishment
sometimes I think it's because I want to believe you when you say it's different, and you love me, and you want to be with me for a long time
sometimes I think it's because I want to believe you when you say that we can work
and then I get angry all over again. of course you think we can work, of course you're happy, of course you believe in us and a future... you have no reason not to... whereas I have a lot of reasons not to...
why am I waiting... what am I waiting for... hoping for... expecting?
it feels like things have changed for you... like you are trying more... but things have changed for me too... all the other stuff makes this stuff matter less... it's like... [bad analogy time]
it's like i'm sitting inside a car that has been parked in the garage for 50 years and it's covered in dust, and I've been left in the dark. and then someone picks up a flashlight and tries to shine the light through all the dust. I can see the light, but only a little bit, with the amount of dust on the windows a searchlight would be more effective. something bigger, stronger, brighter to get through all the dust that's collected.
the changes are an improvement, but it's so gradual, that it barely effects how I feel. I don't want it to be that way, I don't want to break up, except that I do. except I don't. maybe I just don't want to hurt you... and that bothers me too because you certainly had no problems hurting me... you didn't consider my feelings or me through most of the first half, if not three quarters of our relationship, and I feel like I have done nothing except consider yours.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm fighting what feels like a losing battle. there are times when I am happy, where I don't think about the past, where I don't think about the future, where I just exist in the moment, and as long as everything goes right, I can stay there. but those moments are so rare... I feel like I spend most of my time mad at you for something... or wishing that you knew how I felt.
I don't know that there is anything you could say or do at this point that would break through the walls I've put up. I don't know that there isn't. What I do know is that I've been fighting this for a long time, and maybe it's what we need, what I need. I just... I want to feel safe and happy and loved and IN love, not just one day of the week, or spread out over a few hours over a few days, but all of the time. I want to trust that you're doing what is best for us, and considering my feelings about things before you do them. I want to trust that you're going to communicate with me, and be honest with me, about everything, at the time. I want to look forward to the future with a smile, and not with trepidation, anxiety, and fear.
I want to be 23, and not have to worry that my boyfriend is cheating on me, or thinking about cheating on me, or not even aware that what he's doing could be cheating. I want to be in a relationship where those thoughts aren't with me, have never been with, will never be with me. I want to be with someone who never makes me doubt that I'm the one he wants to be with. Ever. Not for a minute, not for a second, never, EVER, puts me or my feelings about something important out of his mind, and does everything with the thought that he loves me and wants to make me happy. The way that I make decisions. The way that you never seem to.
What does this mean for us...
Honestly, I don't know. I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep for a long, long time. And I have to work all day tomorrow and then finish my paper, and then work Thursday and submit my paper, and then work friday and then thank god it's the weekend I am going to sleep the whole fucking time.
I want more than what this is right now. I want to feel more, trust more, love more. I want to be happy more. That's all. I have nothing more to say.
I've been going through a... transitional period in my life lately... everything is in flux, as I am constantly saying, I am finished school, moved out into my first place all on my own, etc etc. this has caused me to seriously consider my future: what I want for myself, what I want from other people, what I think is possible.
I know I want to get married, have kids, and find a job that I love. I am working on the job thing now, trying to suss out whether publishing is really what I am passionate about, or whether editing is, or whether maybe starting my own business would be something I might want to pursue. I take notes in my head whenever I talk to my boss, or other people in my life who run businesses. I think about what I would do differently, how I would run it...
but that isn't really what this entry is about. I want to get married... and I want to get married one time, one time only, and spend the rest of my life with one person. And the more I think about the future, the more I wonder if Dave is the guy I am supposed to be with. We have had problems from the start... trust issues, communication issues... things I never even wrote about or even let myself think about too much. but after we got back from Whistler, I couldn't stop thinking about them... Whistler was great, but it felt... grown up to me. Yes, we goofed around a lot, but this was my first vacation with a boy where we actually went somewhere. With James we always went to Osoyoos and stayed at his parents place there... this was just us, venturing out on our own, paying our own way. It felt... different. I felt... older. And I've begun to feel like I need to figure my life out.
I know that's my doing, that as much as people ask me what's next after I finish school, nobody will think badly of me for not knowing. But I've always liked to know... I like having a plan... I like having it figured out... at the very least I want to know that I'm on a path, and lately I've felt like I'm drifting rather than taking my life into my own hands.
I've digressed a bit. my point was... I was thinking about the future, my future, and trying to see if Dave was part of it. lately I've been... distant... I said awhile ago when things were really bad that I didn't know if I would, or could, come back as close as I had been when we first started dating.. I don't think I ever did... and I think as time has gone on, I've moved further away.
I always say that I want someone who I can trust, who I can depend on, who will talk to me about everything, who is not only honest but forthright voluntarily, who loves me for me, who makes me happy, who I love.
It's sort of a blur now... but on Friday night I broke up with Dave. I just... we were fighting about something and I said I thought he should go, and he left... he said goodbye and he just left. and I called him and said goodbye and I wished him good things and goodbye. he called me back a while later and I just... let out all of the things that have been bothering me lately... just said everything on my mind... and said I was done... we were done.
I won't talk about how the rest of the conversation went because it seems private, and as much as this is my journal, it still seems wrong. suffice it to say, I asked him to bring my stuff on Saturday to my work. he did, in a box that ironically said "packed with happiness [zappos]". we wound up talking and eating an early dinner together...
I feel... nothing. I know I should feel bad, or sad, or something, but honestly I feel nothing. I'm angry sometimes, I'm sad sometimes, but mostly I just feel completely detached. I'm tired of being angry and frustrated. I'm tired of not being happy and of it just... being forgotten because you're happy. I'm tired of having to wait 6 months for you to man up and figure your life out.
I know that's harsh. I know, and I'm sorry.
but that doesn't make it not true.
I stuck around when you spent an entire night and morning lying to my face. I stuck around when after that you lied to me for several hours on the phone. I stuck around when you compulsively lied to me about the same stupid fucking girl from the internet. I stuck around when you made plans to drink wine and play scrabble USING OUR FUCKING SCRABBLE BOARD with said stupid fucking girl from the internet. I stuck around when you told your ex girlfriend that you didn't see a future with me but you were fond of me so that's why we were together. I stuck around when you made me feel like a complete and total fool. I stuck around when you said you thought we were broken up and you logged back on to pof. I stuck around when you read messages from girls from pof, EVEN THOUGH YOU CLEARLY KNEW AT THAT POINT WE WEREN'T BROKEN UP. I stuck around when you consistently didn't learn from the previous fights and conversations we had about the same fucking thing. I stuck around when you said you didn't know how to talk to me. I stuck around when I found out that you belonged to a website where they rate hookers. I stuck around even though throughout this whole thing, you never really have an explanation for any of this stuff. I stuck around even though your answer to everything is I don't know.
And then the doctor stuff comes up. And I tell you about how EVERY SINGLE GUY I've dated has needed to talk to someone, and how every single guy I've dated swears up and down that he will go see someone, and how EVERY SINGLE GUY never does and is full of shit. And okay, yes, you took a step, and okay, yes, now you've taken another one, but maybe it took just that little bit too long. Maybe I'm just... done, and I just didn't want to admit it to myself because I wanted you.
I'm so frustrated. I'm so... tired. I'm just... I just want to be happy. I want to find that happy ending. I want to not feel like a fool anymore, not feel like an idiot, not feel like I just stuck around too long to find out that once again I held out for something that isn't coming.
The 25th of this month would have been 6 months. Half a year. I said before that if this amount of thing had happened over 6 years it wouldn't be that bad, but its been 6 months... I've dated guys for a lot longer than this that haven't had this much stuff happen... so why am I still here?
that's the question on my mind...
sometimes I think it's because there is a part of me that believes it can work... that you really are changing...
sometimes I think its because I don't know when to let go.
sometimes I think it's because I really did love you
sometimes I think it's because I'm a complete fool, totally gullible and I'm falling for another line of bullshit
sometimes I think it's because I'm a glutton for punishment
sometimes I think it's because I want to believe you when you say it's different, and you love me, and you want to be with me for a long time
sometimes I think it's because I want to believe you when you say that we can work
and then I get angry all over again. of course you think we can work, of course you're happy, of course you believe in us and a future... you have no reason not to... whereas I have a lot of reasons not to...
why am I waiting... what am I waiting for... hoping for... expecting?
it feels like things have changed for you... like you are trying more... but things have changed for me too... all the other stuff makes this stuff matter less... it's like... [bad analogy time]
it's like i'm sitting inside a car that has been parked in the garage for 50 years and it's covered in dust, and I've been left in the dark. and then someone picks up a flashlight and tries to shine the light through all the dust. I can see the light, but only a little bit, with the amount of dust on the windows a searchlight would be more effective. something bigger, stronger, brighter to get through all the dust that's collected.
the changes are an improvement, but it's so gradual, that it barely effects how I feel. I don't want it to be that way, I don't want to break up, except that I do. except I don't. maybe I just don't want to hurt you... and that bothers me too because you certainly had no problems hurting me... you didn't consider my feelings or me through most of the first half, if not three quarters of our relationship, and I feel like I have done nothing except consider yours.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm fighting what feels like a losing battle. there are times when I am happy, where I don't think about the past, where I don't think about the future, where I just exist in the moment, and as long as everything goes right, I can stay there. but those moments are so rare... I feel like I spend most of my time mad at you for something... or wishing that you knew how I felt.
I don't know that there is anything you could say or do at this point that would break through the walls I've put up. I don't know that there isn't. What I do know is that I've been fighting this for a long time, and maybe it's what we need, what I need. I just... I want to feel safe and happy and loved and IN love, not just one day of the week, or spread out over a few hours over a few days, but all of the time. I want to trust that you're doing what is best for us, and considering my feelings about things before you do them. I want to trust that you're going to communicate with me, and be honest with me, about everything, at the time. I want to look forward to the future with a smile, and not with trepidation, anxiety, and fear.
I want to be 23, and not have to worry that my boyfriend is cheating on me, or thinking about cheating on me, or not even aware that what he's doing could be cheating. I want to be in a relationship where those thoughts aren't with me, have never been with, will never be with me. I want to be with someone who never makes me doubt that I'm the one he wants to be with. Ever. Not for a minute, not for a second, never, EVER, puts me or my feelings about something important out of his mind, and does everything with the thought that he loves me and wants to make me happy. The way that I make decisions. The way that you never seem to.
What does this mean for us...
Honestly, I don't know. I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep for a long, long time. And I have to work all day tomorrow and then finish my paper, and then work Thursday and submit my paper, and then work friday and then thank god it's the weekend I am going to sleep the whole fucking time.
I want more than what this is right now. I want to feel more, trust more, love more. I want to be happy more. That's all. I have nothing more to say.