should be sleeping...
I am so so sleepy right now but there are things on my mind that I want to write about. So to hasten the sleeping process, hopefully by addressing these thoughts, I am writing instead of trying to sleep.
I am in a weird space right now... I've been saying that a lot lately, and it holds true even now. I packed up and moved 95% of my stuff into my new place on Tuesday with the help of my parents and Dave, and I am excited and nervous to get all unpacked and decorate and furnish it with all of my things... but I am nervous too. I have never lived alone, and this is the most rent I will ever have paid thus far, and it scares me a little bit to be living paycheck to paycheck for a while until I can pay down my credit card from the trip and still be okay for money. But I won't ever be able to spend like I have become used to over the past year or so. The $200 increase in rent per month is huge... and daunting. I may have to up my date for looking for a "career" job... we will see.
I still haven't hung out with James, but interestingly, this time he is still contacting me every week or so to make sure I know he hasn't forgotten that we are supposed to hang out at some point. It's a little weird because I don't know what's changed for him that now it's okay, but I guess we'll find out when/if we actually hang out.
I went to the Fray concert last night with Dave... it was a lot of fun. I love the Fray, but it brought back a lot of memories also... And it didn't help that last night it had been a year since James broke up with me for the last time... a year since he told me he wanted to date someone else... and he was the last person I saw the Fray with. I learned that "Enough for Now" makes me cry... I thought it might, but I wasn't sure they would play it, but they did, and the main singer gave this talk beforehand about how it's about his relationship with his grandfather, and as soon as they hit the chorus I started to cry. I tried to fight it, but I couldn't.
"That's enough for now, he should've never left you broken
He should've held you, things your father never could do
That's enough for now, he would've never left you broken
He would've held you, things your father never told you"
I know that the song is about his grandfather... but for me it's about... well... seems obvious doesn't it? Anyway, bottom line is I cried. And then they played "Never Say Never" which didn't help much.
One of my friends just broke up with her boyfriend of several years...it brought back a lot of memories for me... and I realized that I am not exactly where I thought I was... some things still hurt, some things still make me angry.... and some days it is a million times easier, but some days it isn't. And I know it's way easier now, a year later, than it was then, and I know I am stronger, but still... I wasn't expecting it to still be here.
Dave said to me a while back that one of his favourite things about me is how deeply I care about other people... I replied that it was one of my least favourite things about myself. It's true... I spend ages caring about people who don't give a whit about me... agonizing over things that most people don't give a second's thought... driving myself crazy over what ifs and maybes and if onlys that are never going to matter. And for what? It doesn't benefit anybody, including myself. Most of the time I wish I could turn it off.
This is going to sound weird, but I am sad about leaving this place I live now... I didn't think I would be because I hated what it stood for for so long, but now...I am sad in a weird way. This is the place I moved when I was broken... and I healed here... but it is also somewhere where people know they can find me if they look... and I am moving somewhere where only some people will get to see... and that is vague and cryptic but I don't want to say what I was thinking for a moment because it was crazy.
At any rate... I wrote my final final exam this evening... I am pretty sure I aced it, but fingers crossed. Now all that's left of my undergraduate is one paper... one paper is standing between me and being totally, completely done. No wonder I am procrastinating so much...
Okay... I think I have unloaded enough to get to sleep... wish me luck...
I am in a weird space right now... I've been saying that a lot lately, and it holds true even now. I packed up and moved 95% of my stuff into my new place on Tuesday with the help of my parents and Dave, and I am excited and nervous to get all unpacked and decorate and furnish it with all of my things... but I am nervous too. I have never lived alone, and this is the most rent I will ever have paid thus far, and it scares me a little bit to be living paycheck to paycheck for a while until I can pay down my credit card from the trip and still be okay for money. But I won't ever be able to spend like I have become used to over the past year or so. The $200 increase in rent per month is huge... and daunting. I may have to up my date for looking for a "career" job... we will see.
I still haven't hung out with James, but interestingly, this time he is still contacting me every week or so to make sure I know he hasn't forgotten that we are supposed to hang out at some point. It's a little weird because I don't know what's changed for him that now it's okay, but I guess we'll find out when/if we actually hang out.
I went to the Fray concert last night with Dave... it was a lot of fun. I love the Fray, but it brought back a lot of memories also... And it didn't help that last night it had been a year since James broke up with me for the last time... a year since he told me he wanted to date someone else... and he was the last person I saw the Fray with. I learned that "Enough for Now" makes me cry... I thought it might, but I wasn't sure they would play it, but they did, and the main singer gave this talk beforehand about how it's about his relationship with his grandfather, and as soon as they hit the chorus I started to cry. I tried to fight it, but I couldn't.
"That's enough for now, he should've never left you broken
He should've held you, things your father never could do
That's enough for now, he would've never left you broken
He would've held you, things your father never told you"
I know that the song is about his grandfather... but for me it's about... well... seems obvious doesn't it? Anyway, bottom line is I cried. And then they played "Never Say Never" which didn't help much.
One of my friends just broke up with her boyfriend of several years...it brought back a lot of memories for me... and I realized that I am not exactly where I thought I was... some things still hurt, some things still make me angry.... and some days it is a million times easier, but some days it isn't. And I know it's way easier now, a year later, than it was then, and I know I am stronger, but still... I wasn't expecting it to still be here.
Dave said to me a while back that one of his favourite things about me is how deeply I care about other people... I replied that it was one of my least favourite things about myself. It's true... I spend ages caring about people who don't give a whit about me... agonizing over things that most people don't give a second's thought... driving myself crazy over what ifs and maybes and if onlys that are never going to matter. And for what? It doesn't benefit anybody, including myself. Most of the time I wish I could turn it off.
This is going to sound weird, but I am sad about leaving this place I live now... I didn't think I would be because I hated what it stood for for so long, but now...I am sad in a weird way. This is the place I moved when I was broken... and I healed here... but it is also somewhere where people know they can find me if they look... and I am moving somewhere where only some people will get to see... and that is vague and cryptic but I don't want to say what I was thinking for a moment because it was crazy.
At any rate... I wrote my final final exam this evening... I am pretty sure I aced it, but fingers crossed. Now all that's left of my undergraduate is one paper... one paper is standing between me and being totally, completely done. No wonder I am procrastinating so much...
Okay... I think I have unloaded enough to get to sleep... wish me luck...