whittle
Something, something to write about. hmmmmm....
chronicles maybe ? Something of a list of things I've done over the last few weeks and how I felt about them ? Is that how this is supposed to go ? For the most part I seem to go in and out of recurring highs and lows. I update my myspace on a regular basis. I was never good at this Livejournal thing. I got it so I could keep up with an old dear friend of mine who lives in Oakland California. She once gave me the most awesome self portrait painting, which I incidentally left in Arizona due to lack of good travel accommodations. For the most part, I'm sure my relationship with Andrea ,and certainly her life-mate elowsky, was tarnished and somewhat lessoned by the presence of Cheryl. Like everything it seems with her has something of a "use up/destroy" aura to it. I wish things had gone down different and I had time to preserve my devotion to that friend. I miss her dearly and I'm sad I am not around for her pregnancy. I told cheryl about it at one point and she said "who?....." Andrea and her BF Elowsky put my ex-wife and I up in their awesome loft in Oakland for a little over a month when we decided it was a good idea to uproot from Arizona. We hung out with them, shared their space and spoke with them daily for at least 3 months. Cheryl couldn't be bothered with remembering them or what they did for us it seems. Or to be happy for Andrea and her pregnancy since she herself abhor's children, including her own. No matter, I am happy for her and wish her and elowsky nothing but great success and love with their new addition.
I continue to struggle here in Richmond VA trying to hold down 2 shitty paying jobs to try and make up for all the past years devistation and bad choices. My car needs a new headgasket, which is a very expensive endeavor. This after Kathryn helped put 5oo+ dollars into it to try and get it back in working order. Im behind and trying to play catch up to pay her back for everything and on top of that maintain some semblance that I am still a man, and worth something. Not just as a man to be respected, but as a boyfriend and loving romantic partner. I've never been with someone so supportive and loving and I'm terrified of falling short of being amazing to her and for her. Most of what I fear stems from those feelings of insecurity Im left with after being abused so harshly from my joke of a failed marriage. The romantic optimist in me is always trying to work hard with the knowledge that balance is not far away. But not seeing the fruits of your labors sometimes and being exhausted lends to depressive downswings and me being annoying, which annoys me further. I cannot recede into myself anymore. I learned in my youth that it makes things worse.
I am a dreamer. I am guilty of melancholy moods. I want so much and dream so huge that I cannot help but be let down every once in awhile. I miss music. I miss making music often and being in a functioning band. I miss playing shows and being on stage. I miss my arizona brothers and sisters. I miss making art in general. I don't seem to be doing it enough these days. Allthough these and more things are slowly but surely inching back into my life. I am lucky to be around an artist like Kathryn that I respect and also admire.
The great thing is that Kathryn and I share these overwhelming desires to do too much. We desire the same satisfaction out of art and culture and travel and love. Ours is a relationship I couldn't be prouder to be a part of. And it gives me the light and love I need to push forward everyday. My perfect partner wakes up next to me every morning and I can barely breathe it's so beautiful...
I miss April, we used to hang alot, now we're both too busy. Wittled Titties !
Alot in the world changes. Here's hoping it all is getting better, and I can feel that it is, it's just going a bit too slow for me, and I must try to be more patient. Thank you for your understanding and support.
chronicles maybe ? Something of a list of things I've done over the last few weeks and how I felt about them ? Is that how this is supposed to go ? For the most part I seem to go in and out of recurring highs and lows. I update my myspace on a regular basis. I was never good at this Livejournal thing. I got it so I could keep up with an old dear friend of mine who lives in Oakland California. She once gave me the most awesome self portrait painting, which I incidentally left in Arizona due to lack of good travel accommodations. For the most part, I'm sure my relationship with Andrea ,and certainly her life-mate elowsky, was tarnished and somewhat lessoned by the presence of Cheryl. Like everything it seems with her has something of a "use up/destroy" aura to it. I wish things had gone down different and I had time to preserve my devotion to that friend. I miss her dearly and I'm sad I am not around for her pregnancy. I told cheryl about it at one point and she said "who?....." Andrea and her BF Elowsky put my ex-wife and I up in their awesome loft in Oakland for a little over a month when we decided it was a good idea to uproot from Arizona. We hung out with them, shared their space and spoke with them daily for at least 3 months. Cheryl couldn't be bothered with remembering them or what they did for us it seems. Or to be happy for Andrea and her pregnancy since she herself abhor's children, including her own. No matter, I am happy for her and wish her and elowsky nothing but great success and love with their new addition.
I continue to struggle here in Richmond VA trying to hold down 2 shitty paying jobs to try and make up for all the past years devistation and bad choices. My car needs a new headgasket, which is a very expensive endeavor. This after Kathryn helped put 5oo+ dollars into it to try and get it back in working order. Im behind and trying to play catch up to pay her back for everything and on top of that maintain some semblance that I am still a man, and worth something. Not just as a man to be respected, but as a boyfriend and loving romantic partner. I've never been with someone so supportive and loving and I'm terrified of falling short of being amazing to her and for her. Most of what I fear stems from those feelings of insecurity Im left with after being abused so harshly from my joke of a failed marriage. The romantic optimist in me is always trying to work hard with the knowledge that balance is not far away. But not seeing the fruits of your labors sometimes and being exhausted lends to depressive downswings and me being annoying, which annoys me further. I cannot recede into myself anymore. I learned in my youth that it makes things worse.
I am a dreamer. I am guilty of melancholy moods. I want so much and dream so huge that I cannot help but be let down every once in awhile. I miss music. I miss making music often and being in a functioning band. I miss playing shows and being on stage. I miss my arizona brothers and sisters. I miss making art in general. I don't seem to be doing it enough these days. Allthough these and more things are slowly but surely inching back into my life. I am lucky to be around an artist like Kathryn that I respect and also admire.
The great thing is that Kathryn and I share these overwhelming desires to do too much. We desire the same satisfaction out of art and culture and travel and love. Ours is a relationship I couldn't be prouder to be a part of. And it gives me the light and love I need to push forward everyday. My perfect partner wakes up next to me every morning and I can barely breathe it's so beautiful...
I miss April, we used to hang alot, now we're both too busy. Wittled Titties !
Alot in the world changes. Here's hoping it all is getting better, and I can feel that it is, it's just going a bit too slow for me, and I must try to be more patient. Thank you for your understanding and support.