(no subject)
I awoke this morning and was momentarily seized by fear of unknown surroundings only to realize that this was the first night in the past five that I had actually spent alone and in my own room, in my own bed and not upon the parlor couch. I suppose I must say that my body feels better and as I gazed into the dim glass, I could tell color had returned to my cheeks, however my heart feels more hollow than ever and though I continue to find myself not hungry, my head is light from not eating and I cannot remain standing for long.
I peeled away the bandage at my throat to see that the two small marks there had become white and shriveled from the moisture that had been trapped beneath. I will not replace it and hope that they will soon disappear like those upon my arm. I miss being able to wear my hair pinned up...
I refuse to write about Heathcliff because he does not deserve the ink from my pen, and should I attempt it, my tears would immediately destroy the words I have already written. There, look, two words already blurred.
This place offers a cruel mockery of my childhood dreams of adventure and every day there comes a moment when I am struck by the aching need to be home again with Edgar and his quiet ways and with Ellen whom I know I will always be able to trust. The girl, Liza, reminds me of her... likely because they are of the same age, though Liza is much more of a city maid than my Nelly. I confided my fears to Liza the other night about the true reasons for my failing health and she swore to secrecy.. and... well-- I certainly hope I can trust her. At least... if only--especially with Heathcliff. If he were to know of this, I know I would never see him again. He would be lost to me forever... And then more than I would die without him.
The doctor confided in us last night the terrible extent of his own illness--he is dying. The count was far less than sympathetic, but my own sympathy was rebuffed and I suppose that is the way men are. How could I have suspected him of foul play? But I do not know what to think of him anymore... It was easy when he was just a doctor, but now--
To think I almost told the count of my suspicions.
I shall join the others for dinner tonight. Even though there are many I wish to avoid, there are several whose company I know would enliven my spirits and perhaps, in my own gentle way, I shall somehow be able to capture their attentions...
I peeled away the bandage at my throat to see that the two small marks there had become white and shriveled from the moisture that had been trapped beneath. I will not replace it and hope that they will soon disappear like those upon my arm. I miss being able to wear my hair pinned up...
I refuse to write about Heathcliff because he does not deserve the ink from my pen, and should I attempt it, my tears would immediately destroy the words I have already written. There, look, two words already blurred.
This place offers a cruel mockery of my childhood dreams of adventure and every day there comes a moment when I am struck by the aching need to be home again with Edgar and his quiet ways and with Ellen whom I know I will always be able to trust. The girl, Liza, reminds me of her... likely because they are of the same age, though Liza is much more of a city maid than my Nelly. I confided my fears to Liza the other night about the true reasons for my failing health and she swore to secrecy.. and... well-- I certainly hope I can trust her. At least... if only--especially with Heathcliff. If he were to know of this, I know I would never see him again. He would be lost to me forever... And then more than I would die without him.
The doctor confided in us last night the terrible extent of his own illness--he is dying. The count was far less than sympathetic, but my own sympathy was rebuffed and I suppose that is the way men are. How could I have suspected him of foul play? But I do not know what to think of him anymore... It was easy when he was just a doctor, but now--
To think I almost told the count of my suspicions.
I shall join the others for dinner tonight. Even though there are many I wish to avoid, there are several whose company I know would enliven my spirits and perhaps, in my own gentle way, I shall somehow be able to capture their attentions...