lights out
It's bee since August since i posted something and Li asked so here we go.
I'm cracking my knuckles as there is so much to say but i have so little words to express them. When you've been out of school for so long...it is really like you lose self expression. The way you would tear your hair out because of some dumb bitch who makes you feel like a whore because you once were proud of who you were.
Ok... random.
There is only 3 more Mondays left of 2006. Scary? Yes. I don't know what 2007 will bring but all I wish for is happiness for my friends. And that in the next year my life is a little more joyous...and little more stable...and little less loud and a little more calm. 2006 has brought a lot of tears, frustration, laughs, craziness, sleepless nights, lost lovers, old friends, fights, scraped knuckles, fresh scars to stitch into my memory, surgery, losing friendships, gaining new friendships, stressful days and long hours at work. I don't thin I could say I regret any of it. Looking back now I would do a few things differently but there is not much more I can do other than to learn from my mistakes and try to not do it again. I've had times where I am so insecure I refuse to leave my bed and miss work because of it. I've cried over my Grandfather and his strokes. I've cried over the hard times with Kieran. The part where we nearly broke up because of my mistakes, where he caused me grief over a house we nearly bought, over the unborn child. I've watched a baby been born, sat for 27 hours at a hospital while my friend was in labour and so many things could have gone wrong/did go wrong but they pulled through and Kaden became such a fighter. I've learnt to deal that life throws hard obstacles at you even when you think you may have gotten through them after depression.
The main thing I have realised is that some people never change and that you can fall into old patterns too fast.
I lusted over Eric, over the past, over when we were 14 and everything was so different. I lusted over how we were when we were 12 and had no care in the world ...even when my family was falling apart I felt like I had made a new one with Jamie and her wonderful family who let me stay with open arms in their famiy home. For that I will always be grateful to them, to giving so much when I could give nothing back.
I'm glad I got to get back in touch with old friends like Li, and to stay in touch with Allison and Amanda. They have played huge roles in my teenage years when I was so down and out on life, and I will always be grateful. It really doesn't matter how physically close you are to a person...if you have an understanding then the matter of miles is not a reason to call it quits. Some might not agree, but I can't help but think that without those three in my life, I would probably have ended myself sooner than I realised. Without Amanda sending my paper love hearts with the oneI still carry on me to this day saying "don't forget to breathe", right down to the postcard Li sent to me when she was in holiday. Those things made it all so real. Thank you, Amanda, for the beatiful hearts.
This looks like it is going to be a long blog. Quite possibly because I have not blogged properly in so long. I need to vent. I need to reminise.
I remember when I was younger with Allison. When I was so drunk I thought my eyeballs were going to come out of their sockets. Where I was crying so much, drunk, alone and so depressed I literally wondered what it would be like to be dead. Where she just told me it was going to be ok one day, and didn't ge tmad like my other friends while I sat on the other end and cut myself to pieces. Because it really did make me better back then. Where the strawberry gashes and trickling blood down my numb arms would make me sigh in relief because all the anguish and pain would release. I know it probably was the wrong thing to do...but when you had to be alone for so long it felt right.
I'd like to say that me and my mother are on good terms again. I do hope this time it works out for the best. That maybe she can support me all the time now...and be proud of me. Of the things I'm trying to do with my life. I know she does...I know she realises that back then...she was wrong. But it is ok. Without her doing what she did I would not be the me I am today and I like this me. The me that is so highly regarded and looked to for help, the me that can handle doing anything on my own. I don't want to depend on anyone. Sure I know I can depend on Kieran but I don't want to. I only depend on myself.
I feel guilty about how recently at work I have cried a few times. The stress has been a little high and I didn't want to cry that much lately around my boss. But I think he understands. House hunting isn't easy and Kieran and I don't commnicate in words as good as other couples. We are better at laughing and making each other smile. It's ok though. We get through a lot of bad times and always manage to see brighter days. Believe me the grass doesn't stay green on the other side for long. You may think it may be but it isn't. I wish it was somedays...like what would have happened if I had taken up the offer of flying to Washington and being with Eric for Christmas. My god how life would be different right now. I mean I could have gone over as a friend...but we all know I would have given in far too easily and with him I can't say no too often. And there would be a point where I would snap, where I probably would give in and I wouldn't have come back home. In a way I'm glad I really didn't go over, but I do wonder sometimes what it would have been like. Would we have been back together and everything would have gone back to the old days? Or would it have been better and we would have really loved each other properly this time with no bullshit in between the lines. I do know we had planned to do a lot had I had gone over, from raves to sleepless nights and dancing in the rain. But I think if I had given in to him, Kieran would have known straight away...and I would never have the courage to come back to New Zealand and face him...or my friends. It probably could have worked for a while...it probably would have been quite nice...but what his life is like now is something different to mine and I don't think I want to get back into heavy drugs again. Plus I want to work...not hang out with him downtown like he does all day.. it's weird. It's weird how we have both changed so much yet so little. He even wanted to try and get a good career so he could support me. Me? Hah. I support myself and I support Kieran more than people realise.
Still...why wouldn't I wonder?
We are house hunting still. After the drama of being accepted for a house then pulling out. Thank god it hadn't gone unconditional yet. We are looking at more houses, so many more houses. I am scared we will be homeless soon. There's only 2 months left and time is ticking down by the second. I know I haven't slept so well because of it...the thought of having nowhere to go...it's frightening. I don't want to rent...I don't want to be wasting money. I just hope I pray to the Lord we find a house soon to make our home. I'd give anything to find one soon. It's been a month and nada. We look at one potential property on Thursday evening, and the agent is looking around tomorrow for us as apparently a lot of new houses become available on a Tuesday...Ok? So fingers crossed.
So all in all I've got a lot of work to do. I won't be going to big day out in January. Christmas is around the corner and we have only purchased ONE christmas present. We will be homeless on the 4 Feb if we don't find a house. Eric Clapton is in just over a month now. New Years is going to be interesting. I'm glad I've booked two weeks off so when we (have) moved into our new house I will be able to PAINT! and go interior decorating crazy.
Right. Li I hope this is acceptable.
If you want to hit me back - theweirdestchicken@hotmail.com or comment me or myspace me - scarredup
ciao
I'm cracking my knuckles as there is so much to say but i have so little words to express them. When you've been out of school for so long...it is really like you lose self expression. The way you would tear your hair out because of some dumb bitch who makes you feel like a whore because you once were proud of who you were.
Ok... random.
There is only 3 more Mondays left of 2006. Scary? Yes. I don't know what 2007 will bring but all I wish for is happiness for my friends. And that in the next year my life is a little more joyous...and little more stable...and little less loud and a little more calm. 2006 has brought a lot of tears, frustration, laughs, craziness, sleepless nights, lost lovers, old friends, fights, scraped knuckles, fresh scars to stitch into my memory, surgery, losing friendships, gaining new friendships, stressful days and long hours at work. I don't thin I could say I regret any of it. Looking back now I would do a few things differently but there is not much more I can do other than to learn from my mistakes and try to not do it again. I've had times where I am so insecure I refuse to leave my bed and miss work because of it. I've cried over my Grandfather and his strokes. I've cried over the hard times with Kieran. The part where we nearly broke up because of my mistakes, where he caused me grief over a house we nearly bought, over the unborn child. I've watched a baby been born, sat for 27 hours at a hospital while my friend was in labour and so many things could have gone wrong/did go wrong but they pulled through and Kaden became such a fighter. I've learnt to deal that life throws hard obstacles at you even when you think you may have gotten through them after depression.
The main thing I have realised is that some people never change and that you can fall into old patterns too fast.
I lusted over Eric, over the past, over when we were 14 and everything was so different. I lusted over how we were when we were 12 and had no care in the world ...even when my family was falling apart I felt like I had made a new one with Jamie and her wonderful family who let me stay with open arms in their famiy home. For that I will always be grateful to them, to giving so much when I could give nothing back.
I'm glad I got to get back in touch with old friends like Li, and to stay in touch with Allison and Amanda. They have played huge roles in my teenage years when I was so down and out on life, and I will always be grateful. It really doesn't matter how physically close you are to a person...if you have an understanding then the matter of miles is not a reason to call it quits. Some might not agree, but I can't help but think that without those three in my life, I would probably have ended myself sooner than I realised. Without Amanda sending my paper love hearts with the oneI still carry on me to this day saying "don't forget to breathe", right down to the postcard Li sent to me when she was in holiday. Those things made it all so real. Thank you, Amanda, for the beatiful hearts.
This looks like it is going to be a long blog. Quite possibly because I have not blogged properly in so long. I need to vent. I need to reminise.
I remember when I was younger with Allison. When I was so drunk I thought my eyeballs were going to come out of their sockets. Where I was crying so much, drunk, alone and so depressed I literally wondered what it would be like to be dead. Where she just told me it was going to be ok one day, and didn't ge tmad like my other friends while I sat on the other end and cut myself to pieces. Because it really did make me better back then. Where the strawberry gashes and trickling blood down my numb arms would make me sigh in relief because all the anguish and pain would release. I know it probably was the wrong thing to do...but when you had to be alone for so long it felt right.
I'd like to say that me and my mother are on good terms again. I do hope this time it works out for the best. That maybe she can support me all the time now...and be proud of me. Of the things I'm trying to do with my life. I know she does...I know she realises that back then...she was wrong. But it is ok. Without her doing what she did I would not be the me I am today and I like this me. The me that is so highly regarded and looked to for help, the me that can handle doing anything on my own. I don't want to depend on anyone. Sure I know I can depend on Kieran but I don't want to. I only depend on myself.
I feel guilty about how recently at work I have cried a few times. The stress has been a little high and I didn't want to cry that much lately around my boss. But I think he understands. House hunting isn't easy and Kieran and I don't commnicate in words as good as other couples. We are better at laughing and making each other smile. It's ok though. We get through a lot of bad times and always manage to see brighter days. Believe me the grass doesn't stay green on the other side for long. You may think it may be but it isn't. I wish it was somedays...like what would have happened if I had taken up the offer of flying to Washington and being with Eric for Christmas. My god how life would be different right now. I mean I could have gone over as a friend...but we all know I would have given in far too easily and with him I can't say no too often. And there would be a point where I would snap, where I probably would give in and I wouldn't have come back home. In a way I'm glad I really didn't go over, but I do wonder sometimes what it would have been like. Would we have been back together and everything would have gone back to the old days? Or would it have been better and we would have really loved each other properly this time with no bullshit in between the lines. I do know we had planned to do a lot had I had gone over, from raves to sleepless nights and dancing in the rain. But I think if I had given in to him, Kieran would have known straight away...and I would never have the courage to come back to New Zealand and face him...or my friends. It probably could have worked for a while...it probably would have been quite nice...but what his life is like now is something different to mine and I don't think I want to get back into heavy drugs again. Plus I want to work...not hang out with him downtown like he does all day.. it's weird. It's weird how we have both changed so much yet so little. He even wanted to try and get a good career so he could support me. Me? Hah. I support myself and I support Kieran more than people realise.
Still...why wouldn't I wonder?
We are house hunting still. After the drama of being accepted for a house then pulling out. Thank god it hadn't gone unconditional yet. We are looking at more houses, so many more houses. I am scared we will be homeless soon. There's only 2 months left and time is ticking down by the second. I know I haven't slept so well because of it...the thought of having nowhere to go...it's frightening. I don't want to rent...I don't want to be wasting money. I just hope I pray to the Lord we find a house soon to make our home. I'd give anything to find one soon. It's been a month and nada. We look at one potential property on Thursday evening, and the agent is looking around tomorrow for us as apparently a lot of new houses become available on a Tuesday...Ok? So fingers crossed.
So all in all I've got a lot of work to do. I won't be going to big day out in January. Christmas is around the corner and we have only purchased ONE christmas present. We will be homeless on the 4 Feb if we don't find a house. Eric Clapton is in just over a month now. New Years is going to be interesting. I'm glad I've booked two weeks off so when we (have) moved into our new house I will be able to PAINT! and go interior decorating crazy.
Right. Li I hope this is acceptable.
If you want to hit me back - theweirdestchicken@hotmail.com or comment me or myspace me - scarredup
ciao