(no subject)
i have been awake since 7am... almost 12 hours now... and i just had something small to eat for the first time today. I spent all of last night up crying and thinking and feeling so horrible and scared. I got back to my school, fell asleep around 8-830, woke up at 1050... i was awake long enough to take my vitamins... and there was a knock at my door. I answered... loooking like crappy... it was Jayson. We pretty much started crying at the sight of each other. He came in. Told me not to cry. Like either of us could stop. We talked. God, even trying to replay the events now is so hard. My body is so tired, my eyes are so dry and puffy from crying for hours... my head and my heart are absolutely EXHAUSTED from fighting with each other..... who do I take care of first? Me, or him? "I think that I deserve him more than anyone's deserved anything. Maybe I'm selfish, but there is no way to share this. There's not enough to go around. I don't care who else gets hurt. But I'm still sick with empathy...
Absence leads to adirmation... it's nobody's fault, but there is no way to change this. so i just photographed and framed this. it's hanging in a hallway we have no right to go back down. but i hope that he feels better, but i'm sick of all the drama. I can't stand to see him crying, I just want this shit to end. " or something like that..
That was written two days ago.. which is starting to feel like a lifetime ago, and the beginning of this thing, is starting to feel like an eternity. These past few days have been the absolute longest of my life and probably the most difficult, or at least really close to that. I hated him beginning Tuesday night when he was in my room, watching me cry my eyes out, scream, barely able to breath, and all he kept doing was asking for what was his back. He told me I could call him if I needed to talk, but his heart was set on getting it back. But, regardless, he saw me in such horrible shape...and yes, he came back a few times, but in the end, he left me alone that night. I even hated him the next morning, on my way to work, he stopped me, made me stand there and argue with him, made me late, getting nothing accomplished. It was easy for me to walk away from him then, and to tell him no. I even could tell someone out loud that I had lost all compassion for him. I went to sleep for a little while... I tried to calm down. I went to Mike's room, after waiting for almost an hour because Jayson said he wanted to talk to him first. I knew why he was going there... to try to get Mike to persuade me to give it back to him. At that point, I stopped hating him, and just made fun of him... then, I was walking downstairs, while he was walking up... and I didn't feel anger at all... I told him I wanted to talk. We walked to his room... EVERYTHING changed... even on the walk there, I felt it becoming different... I don't even know how we got where we got so quickly.. but we sat down in chairs next to each other... and he became an even bigger part of me, we grew so close to each other. He told me things, I understood, he didn't lie. God, being away from now... it's only been an hour since he left, and my body misses him so much already. I'm so scared that this is how it's going to be from now on... but in a few hours, I won't be able to look under my door to see if I see his feet waiting there... I can't walk upstairs to his room if he's late... I won't be accidentily running into him around campus. There will be no more oppurtunities for him to come and stay in my arms all night. For the first time in a LONG time, I have made an incredible, deep connection with someone... for the first time in a long time, I love someone. I love Jayson, honestly. He has so much of me right now, I would, and I have already, give him so much.. There's a huge difference from really thinking you like someone who lives thousands of miles away, who you barely spent any time with, and you're just making up things about them, or accepting what they say to be truth, with no real experience of your own... and spending time with a person... finding out about all of their wonderful qualities, all of their horrible ones, the way their kiss changes with their mood, getting used to their scent, learning how they will react to most situations, knowing what the different tones of their voice indicates, becoming so familiar with them, their voice, their body, their personality, their advice, their heart... and developing a real sense of compassion and concern... and longing whenever they are away, feeling jealous every time you see them with someone else, or even hear about it... having them hurt you over and over and you end up going to back to that, knowing very well that you wouldn't have to be alone if you were without them... and that they have NOT been alone when you were apart... but still going back.. because you are so taken by them. We both went back to each other, after all of the horrible things that went on...after trying so hard to not get attatched... we couldn't stay apart. I'm shivering without him now, so anxious for him to come back... missing him so much, but not nearly as much as I will be once we leave. We know the reality of this... but that couldn't have prevented it. It hurts so much. I am proud of him, I am confident that he will only grow stronger and that he will learn from me and from this... I stayed around for him so much longer than I said I would. I wish there was some way I could have video taped all of our time together, but especially last night... I have not seen beauty and purity like that in.... I can't even remember when. I have been noticing a change in him... in the way he looks at me, touches me, talks to me, kisses me.. holds me, the things he's changed for me. I know he is confused and god knows I am too... I really cannot believe we made it this far. I cannot believe how we can talk to each other... I can't believe he asked me to stay... he wanted me to stay, he didn't want me to leave him and he actually asked me to stay.... This kind of thing cannot be faked.. not now, not at the point it's escalated to... He told me that he's actually happy he stole my phone and that I took it back and got him suspended for it... because in some weird way, it made us so much closer... it made us admit things to each other, and to ourselves, that we probably would not have done before. I did for awhile, feel stupid, letting someone do all of these things to me and still take him back, still do everything I could to be there for him and to help him... but honestly, there was nothing else I could have done... I just feel like we were so meant for each other, at least at this point in our lives...
The way that he allows me to be selfish with him... the way that he is with me. The way that after all we've gone through, he slept in my bed last... and we stayed up talking until almost 7am... we started talking at 1145... and this was only yesturday... this is not even including the amount of time we spent with each other the day before... he needed me, and i needed him. and he wanted me, and i wanted him. i wish i could have that with him over and over... i hate the fact that we're moving away from each other, just when it was getting good.... I can't believe that I'm so paralyzed by him... all I want is for him to come back down to my room and lay with me... and kiss me and comfort me... I just want to hear his voice. I'm sitting here, writing this... just feeling it all again... not packing.. I am moving in like an hour... and I can't do anything but think of him.... I'm going to do some crying when I leave here. I've barely been able to eat... just remembering him and remembering us will be enough for right now. And the very best part of all of this, all of last night... was that there were so many elements to it... it began as this very deep discussion... it moved to us sitting in my room talking to this other boy... letting him know personal things, mostly about Jayson, but also about us together.. and then to that boy leaving... and us getting into bed... and starting to talk like we were before, as we were lying there in each other's arms... to us being unable to not kiss... not touch.. not make love to each other. And that is what we did... we made love. I think i've only made love to one other person... and this was so amazing... it made me cry... it was beautiful... there is this closeness between us... god I can't begin to express this in words... I wish he were here to hold me and let me shake and cry and tell him I am going to hate missing him. He didn't let me go... he kept holding on to me... and it was so adorable, the way we teased each other, the way we talked... having real feelings for someone is so incredible and scary and horrible all at the same time. I'm such a mess for him. This is killing me... leaving him... I want to just stay with him.. oh god, I'm finally starting to understand that THIS is it... He will be gone soon... I will be gone. Something between us changed when I found out what he did to me... and even though I let him come back to me... he kept asking me what was so different.. that he could hear it in my voice... I almost wish that I didn't even feel that way, so that I would never have to make him feel anything bad... oh god... I love him so much.
Absence leads to adirmation... it's nobody's fault, but there is no way to change this. so i just photographed and framed this. it's hanging in a hallway we have no right to go back down. but i hope that he feels better, but i'm sick of all the drama. I can't stand to see him crying, I just want this shit to end. " or something like that..
That was written two days ago.. which is starting to feel like a lifetime ago, and the beginning of this thing, is starting to feel like an eternity. These past few days have been the absolute longest of my life and probably the most difficult, or at least really close to that. I hated him beginning Tuesday night when he was in my room, watching me cry my eyes out, scream, barely able to breath, and all he kept doing was asking for what was his back. He told me I could call him if I needed to talk, but his heart was set on getting it back. But, regardless, he saw me in such horrible shape...and yes, he came back a few times, but in the end, he left me alone that night. I even hated him the next morning, on my way to work, he stopped me, made me stand there and argue with him, made me late, getting nothing accomplished. It was easy for me to walk away from him then, and to tell him no. I even could tell someone out loud that I had lost all compassion for him. I went to sleep for a little while... I tried to calm down. I went to Mike's room, after waiting for almost an hour because Jayson said he wanted to talk to him first. I knew why he was going there... to try to get Mike to persuade me to give it back to him. At that point, I stopped hating him, and just made fun of him... then, I was walking downstairs, while he was walking up... and I didn't feel anger at all... I told him I wanted to talk. We walked to his room... EVERYTHING changed... even on the walk there, I felt it becoming different... I don't even know how we got where we got so quickly.. but we sat down in chairs next to each other... and he became an even bigger part of me, we grew so close to each other. He told me things, I understood, he didn't lie. God, being away from now... it's only been an hour since he left, and my body misses him so much already. I'm so scared that this is how it's going to be from now on... but in a few hours, I won't be able to look under my door to see if I see his feet waiting there... I can't walk upstairs to his room if he's late... I won't be accidentily running into him around campus. There will be no more oppurtunities for him to come and stay in my arms all night. For the first time in a LONG time, I have made an incredible, deep connection with someone... for the first time in a long time, I love someone. I love Jayson, honestly. He has so much of me right now, I would, and I have already, give him so much.. There's a huge difference from really thinking you like someone who lives thousands of miles away, who you barely spent any time with, and you're just making up things about them, or accepting what they say to be truth, with no real experience of your own... and spending time with a person... finding out about all of their wonderful qualities, all of their horrible ones, the way their kiss changes with their mood, getting used to their scent, learning how they will react to most situations, knowing what the different tones of their voice indicates, becoming so familiar with them, their voice, their body, their personality, their advice, their heart... and developing a real sense of compassion and concern... and longing whenever they are away, feeling jealous every time you see them with someone else, or even hear about it... having them hurt you over and over and you end up going to back to that, knowing very well that you wouldn't have to be alone if you were without them... and that they have NOT been alone when you were apart... but still going back.. because you are so taken by them. We both went back to each other, after all of the horrible things that went on...after trying so hard to not get attatched... we couldn't stay apart. I'm shivering without him now, so anxious for him to come back... missing him so much, but not nearly as much as I will be once we leave. We know the reality of this... but that couldn't have prevented it. It hurts so much. I am proud of him, I am confident that he will only grow stronger and that he will learn from me and from this... I stayed around for him so much longer than I said I would. I wish there was some way I could have video taped all of our time together, but especially last night... I have not seen beauty and purity like that in.... I can't even remember when. I have been noticing a change in him... in the way he looks at me, touches me, talks to me, kisses me.. holds me, the things he's changed for me. I know he is confused and god knows I am too... I really cannot believe we made it this far. I cannot believe how we can talk to each other... I can't believe he asked me to stay... he wanted me to stay, he didn't want me to leave him and he actually asked me to stay.... This kind of thing cannot be faked.. not now, not at the point it's escalated to... He told me that he's actually happy he stole my phone and that I took it back and got him suspended for it... because in some weird way, it made us so much closer... it made us admit things to each other, and to ourselves, that we probably would not have done before. I did for awhile, feel stupid, letting someone do all of these things to me and still take him back, still do everything I could to be there for him and to help him... but honestly, there was nothing else I could have done... I just feel like we were so meant for each other, at least at this point in our lives...
The way that he allows me to be selfish with him... the way that he is with me. The way that after all we've gone through, he slept in my bed last... and we stayed up talking until almost 7am... we started talking at 1145... and this was only yesturday... this is not even including the amount of time we spent with each other the day before... he needed me, and i needed him. and he wanted me, and i wanted him. i wish i could have that with him over and over... i hate the fact that we're moving away from each other, just when it was getting good.... I can't believe that I'm so paralyzed by him... all I want is for him to come back down to my room and lay with me... and kiss me and comfort me... I just want to hear his voice. I'm sitting here, writing this... just feeling it all again... not packing.. I am moving in like an hour... and I can't do anything but think of him.... I'm going to do some crying when I leave here. I've barely been able to eat... just remembering him and remembering us will be enough for right now. And the very best part of all of this, all of last night... was that there were so many elements to it... it began as this very deep discussion... it moved to us sitting in my room talking to this other boy... letting him know personal things, mostly about Jayson, but also about us together.. and then to that boy leaving... and us getting into bed... and starting to talk like we were before, as we were lying there in each other's arms... to us being unable to not kiss... not touch.. not make love to each other. And that is what we did... we made love. I think i've only made love to one other person... and this was so amazing... it made me cry... it was beautiful... there is this closeness between us... god I can't begin to express this in words... I wish he were here to hold me and let me shake and cry and tell him I am going to hate missing him. He didn't let me go... he kept holding on to me... and it was so adorable, the way we teased each other, the way we talked... having real feelings for someone is so incredible and scary and horrible all at the same time. I'm such a mess for him. This is killing me... leaving him... I want to just stay with him.. oh god, I'm finally starting to understand that THIS is it... He will be gone soon... I will be gone. Something between us changed when I found out what he did to me... and even though I let him come back to me... he kept asking me what was so different.. that he could hear it in my voice... I almost wish that I didn't even feel that way, so that I would never have to make him feel anything bad... oh god... I love him so much.