(no subject)
Its falling apart. I didn't think things could fall apart any more, but I was wrong.
I'm realizing just how fucked up am, how crazy I've become. I really can't function anymore. I can't take care of myself, and I can hardly take care of Lucien...the cute fuzzball deserves better.
We're officially broke...there's about $3 in our bank account right now. Still no jobs. I put in an application on Tuesday, and, as far as I know, haven't heard back. I'm not sure if the mother in-law would even tell me if I had a message on the answering machine. Our cell phones are turned off, which leaves me even more isolated than usual. I still have friends, one in particular, who won't talk to me for reasons I'm yet to find out. I know I'm not the best at keeping in touch with people, but I do try.
I was doing a bit better for a week or two, when I was working on GED testing. I was supposed to go Wednesday to take the real version of the reading test, but ended up late because of the weather and because we had to backtrack to the house when I realized I'd forgotten my wallet...rescheduled for the 30th.
My therapist brought up me going on psychological disability when I saw him Tuesday. People have brought it up in the past, only to be met with my irritation over the suggestion. I do not consider myself disabled, despite my issues and massive crashes. The sad thing is I'm starting to consider it. I don't want to get paid to sit on my ass, but I can't even take care of myself right now and we desperately need the money. Deciding to do this would feel like giving up, like I'm saying "Ok, I'm too fucked in the head to work." I can work...if I could find a fucking job. Working would help me a hell of a lot. It would make me feel useful and productive, which are two very important feelings for me to have, and don't have when I'm sitting around doing nothing.
I also discovered I'm down to about 85lbs. That worries me. I've been trying to gain weight for years, once my anorexic tendencies were put to rest. I know stress is part of the problem...I'm constantly stressed over everything. The rest of it is my horrifyingly bad teeth that I can't afford to get fixed...thinking about trying to find a free/discount dental clinic in the area, if there is one...the rest is the lack of food around here. The in-law buys groceries for us, but, due to her hoarding everything and buying lots of shit she doesn't even eat, there isn't the space for much for us, which leaves us giving her scant lists. When we had money, we'd go and try to fill in some of the food gaps, but still couldn't do much. I look so goddamn disgusting! There has never been a point in my life where I couldn't see my ribs...always been thin...but this is just sick.
I keep alternating between states of racing thoughts that bring anger and restlessness that leave me unable to sit still, and the thoughts slowing to a crawl, becoming a black ooze that creeps through my mind, leaving me practically unable to move, let alone do anything else. Its really bad when you don't even have the energy to take a fucking shower. The urges to cut have been screaming through my mind over the past couple of days. I'm so close to just giving in. Its too hard to fight them right now.
I never got this bad when I was cutting on a fairly regular basis. I know the mechanics of it, but it doesn't help. In self-injury, the SI is a feature of a bigger disorder, which masks the disorder. Once you take away that feature, the original disorder comes back to the surface and seems much worse than it did when it was masked by the SI. I got more of a handle on my urges to hurt myself, which means its a rare thing, which also means the depression and BPD have come screaming to the surface. Understanding it is all well and good, but it really doesn't do anything for me. It doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't give me a clue in how the fuck to deal with it. It doesn't make it any easier to function, or at least pretend I can function.
Jason keeps talking about going job hunting, but has done very little. He did go to a temp agency earlier in the week, was told he'd get a couple of tests emailed to him. He never got the email, and keeps putting off calling the place to find out what's going on. He keeps making plans with a slacker friend of ours (moreover, his) to go looking together. They still haven't gone. I know Jason's mood is slipping, and I understand that very well, but, between he and I, he's the best candidate for almost any job. He keeps finding excuses in this guy to not go looking. I don't know how to bring it up and keep my anger and frustration over it in check.
I don't know what to do about any of this. Can't borrow money...I don't believe in it and everyone we know is struggling financially. Fuck help from the parents. His mom has been doing what she can to help us for over a year. My mother doesn't give a shit about me, so she won't do anything. Sure, she'd probably rattle off a list of places that are hiring or try to talk me into working with her, but that won't do much for us. There's no way in hell I could work with that woman...one or both of us would get fired for fighting. She has no clue how bad I've gotten, and wouldn't get it anyway. She's of the mindset that you can simply choose to not be depressed.
I'm so fucking sick of this shit. I want things to work.