(no subject)
I'm realizing the person I've been turning into since starting this class. I've been turning into an even more cynical (yep, somehow I can be more cynical than usual), quicker tempered, easily frustrated, person who has a higher chance for self-destructive habits...yes, that one. I fucking hate it.
I think I'd be ok if I could just get through a few sittings with this class that don't leave me frustrated, angry, confused, feeling stupid, or any combination of the above.
I've been stuck here all night by myself, so I figured I'd take the opportunity to get a few hours in for the week. Somehow I don't think it was such a good idea...more screaming and throwing things.
I know my perfectionism plays a pretty big part in all this. I don't expect to breeze through this class and the various tests that go along with the GED program...I know I won't be able to do that, but I do expect to get through it without ranting and raving. The perfectionism spurs me to work hard on the class and really try to learn the material instead of absorbing enough to just get by. The problem is, that perfectionism also makes me expect to have an easier time with it all. If I don't do well in the class, I won't do well on the pretest. If I don't do well on the pretest, I won't be able to take the GED test...unless I do just well enough to pass the pretest. If I barely get by on the pretest, I won't score high enough to pass the final test. I can't get that out of my head.
Sure, I know it won't be the end of the world if I fail the GED test, I know it won't make me less of a person. Even though I know I could try it again, it doesn't matter. I don't see failure as an option. To most, I'm sure that sounds like a good way to view it, but its not. It doesn't work that way with me. Its more like I'll seriously regret and pay for failing. If I don't want to face my own wrath, I can't fail.
I need a hug...a kick in the ass...a full working knowledge of all things mathematical...
Part of me has considered looking into just dropping this online stuff and getting myself in a classroom setting, but the days/times of the classes are almost out of the question for one reason or another....transportation, interfering with my therapy schedule, interfering with upcoming shows that I've already agreed to do. I'm also worried they would be the "work at your own pace" types of classes with a teacher or two there if you have a question. I'd just sit there, quietly freaking out until I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.
I think I'd be ok if I could just get through a few sittings with this class that don't leave me frustrated, angry, confused, feeling stupid, or any combination of the above.
I've been stuck here all night by myself, so I figured I'd take the opportunity to get a few hours in for the week. Somehow I don't think it was such a good idea...more screaming and throwing things.
I know my perfectionism plays a pretty big part in all this. I don't expect to breeze through this class and the various tests that go along with the GED program...I know I won't be able to do that, but I do expect to get through it without ranting and raving. The perfectionism spurs me to work hard on the class and really try to learn the material instead of absorbing enough to just get by. The problem is, that perfectionism also makes me expect to have an easier time with it all. If I don't do well in the class, I won't do well on the pretest. If I don't do well on the pretest, I won't be able to take the GED test...unless I do just well enough to pass the pretest. If I barely get by on the pretest, I won't score high enough to pass the final test. I can't get that out of my head.
Sure, I know it won't be the end of the world if I fail the GED test, I know it won't make me less of a person. Even though I know I could try it again, it doesn't matter. I don't see failure as an option. To most, I'm sure that sounds like a good way to view it, but its not. It doesn't work that way with me. Its more like I'll seriously regret and pay for failing. If I don't want to face my own wrath, I can't fail.
I need a hug...a kick in the ass...a full working knowledge of all things mathematical...
Part of me has considered looking into just dropping this online stuff and getting myself in a classroom setting, but the days/times of the classes are almost out of the question for one reason or another....transportation, interfering with my therapy schedule, interfering with upcoming shows that I've already agreed to do. I'm also worried they would be the "work at your own pace" types of classes with a teacher or two there if you have a question. I'd just sit there, quietly freaking out until I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.