(no subject)
I'm going to try to keep this short. I'm sick of my own rambling.
I'm still stuck in a crash, and its a pretty bad one. It has brought up stronger and stronger urges to dig out the blades...I haven't yet.
It seems that there is just way too much wrong. I'm dealing with my fears/anxieties about finding a job, getting my license, and getting my GED.
The bigger stuff:
I got a call from my mother on new years eve, she was telling me my grandmother, on my dad's side, wanted to talk to me. Its been at least five years since I've seen her and longer since I've really talked to her. She finally got in touch with me a week or two later. Her niece called and gave me a warning about talking to my grandmother...she's got the early stages of dementia. It was hard as hell talking to her. It took everything in me not to break down while I was on the phone with her. She's not so bad that she doesn't know who/where she is, what she's talking about, or who she's talking to, but she forgets things she's just said. She's always been pretty sharp.
I spent my young life spending every weekend with my grandparents. They were a regular part of my life. Their house was the only place I really felt safe once I started realizing how screwed up my home life was. My grandfather died when I was eleven, and I've never gotten over it. Talking to her brought all of that trauma back. She wants to see me...I've been finding ways to blow it off for a couple of weeks. I do want to see her, but I just don't know if I can handle it. I don't need to fall apart upon seeing her. I've been feeling guilty as hell and pretty angry with myself for avoiding it. I don't want to keep putting it off. If I put it off for too long, I'll lose my chance.
Jason has pretty much lost his job. Nothing is official yet, but he's pulled no call no shows for like five days now. He's finished with the place anyway...all of the bullshit if the place has taken its toll on him. He got to the point where he was literally getting sick at the thought of that place. He's in a crash of his own. I've been trying to get him to call his boss, but he hasn't. I don't want to be stuck in this fucking house for another year. I can hardly keep myself together around here as it is. So far, he's done little to no looking. He says he wants to find a place where we both can work...call center stuff, mostly, to make transportation easier. I'm fine with that, but nothing can happen until he does a bit of looking.
The old fears of almost a year ago are coming back because of this. We do have a bit saved up, but I don't know how long it will last if he can't find something soon. Part of me is furious with him for doing this. He could have at least worked a fucking notice. There are things we were going to take care of...I need new glasses really bad, and we both need dental work. His insurance covers them, but if he's not working, we're not insured. Part of me understanding about it, he doesn't need to suffer somewhere he detests. I don't know what to do for him. I've expressed some of my feelings over this to him, but its hard.
I need to get myself together. I haven't answered my phone in two days, and have someone worried someone I've been talking to on a daily basis. I just haven't felt like talking to anyone. I basically lost yesterday and the day before...I woke up, checked my emails, and got on a game and stayed there for at least 12 hours. I'm afraid to let myself think too much. I breakdown wouldn't be convenient, although possible useful. I'd like to cry, but the tears won't come. I don't know what to do. A few people have tried to get me to open up about all this, but I've avoided it. Its nothing against any of them. I'm just afraid that I'll start talking about all this and won't be able to stop. I'm afraid a breakdown will start and I won't bee able to keep anyone from seeing/hearing it.
I've considered trying to find somewhere to stay for a couple nights. I need to get away from all this shit for a few days. I doubt I'll do it. Jason doesn't need me running away from everything. I don't want him to even think I'm trying to get away from him. Since I won't allow myself to get away, I'm stuck. I've been running myself past exhaustion before going to sleep so I'll be able to fall asleep quickly so I won't have to think and to reduce the chances of dreaming about any of this. I've hardly been eating...haven't felt like it. I've been tempted as hell to make use of my last blade. Sure, I'll kick myself for breaking my no cutting streak, but I'm starting to not care and the desperation to not feel this way is kicking in.
I'm still stuck in a crash, and its a pretty bad one. It has brought up stronger and stronger urges to dig out the blades...I haven't yet.
It seems that there is just way too much wrong. I'm dealing with my fears/anxieties about finding a job, getting my license, and getting my GED.
The bigger stuff:
I got a call from my mother on new years eve, she was telling me my grandmother, on my dad's side, wanted to talk to me. Its been at least five years since I've seen her and longer since I've really talked to her. She finally got in touch with me a week or two later. Her niece called and gave me a warning about talking to my grandmother...she's got the early stages of dementia. It was hard as hell talking to her. It took everything in me not to break down while I was on the phone with her. She's not so bad that she doesn't know who/where she is, what she's talking about, or who she's talking to, but she forgets things she's just said. She's always been pretty sharp.
I spent my young life spending every weekend with my grandparents. They were a regular part of my life. Their house was the only place I really felt safe once I started realizing how screwed up my home life was. My grandfather died when I was eleven, and I've never gotten over it. Talking to her brought all of that trauma back. She wants to see me...I've been finding ways to blow it off for a couple of weeks. I do want to see her, but I just don't know if I can handle it. I don't need to fall apart upon seeing her. I've been feeling guilty as hell and pretty angry with myself for avoiding it. I don't want to keep putting it off. If I put it off for too long, I'll lose my chance.
Jason has pretty much lost his job. Nothing is official yet, but he's pulled no call no shows for like five days now. He's finished with the place anyway...all of the bullshit if the place has taken its toll on him. He got to the point where he was literally getting sick at the thought of that place. He's in a crash of his own. I've been trying to get him to call his boss, but he hasn't. I don't want to be stuck in this fucking house for another year. I can hardly keep myself together around here as it is. So far, he's done little to no looking. He says he wants to find a place where we both can work...call center stuff, mostly, to make transportation easier. I'm fine with that, but nothing can happen until he does a bit of looking.
The old fears of almost a year ago are coming back because of this. We do have a bit saved up, but I don't know how long it will last if he can't find something soon. Part of me is furious with him for doing this. He could have at least worked a fucking notice. There are things we were going to take care of...I need new glasses really bad, and we both need dental work. His insurance covers them, but if he's not working, we're not insured. Part of me understanding about it, he doesn't need to suffer somewhere he detests. I don't know what to do for him. I've expressed some of my feelings over this to him, but its hard.
I need to get myself together. I haven't answered my phone in two days, and have someone worried someone I've been talking to on a daily basis. I just haven't felt like talking to anyone. I basically lost yesterday and the day before...I woke up, checked my emails, and got on a game and stayed there for at least 12 hours. I'm afraid to let myself think too much. I breakdown wouldn't be convenient, although possible useful. I'd like to cry, but the tears won't come. I don't know what to do. A few people have tried to get me to open up about all this, but I've avoided it. Its nothing against any of them. I'm just afraid that I'll start talking about all this and won't be able to stop. I'm afraid a breakdown will start and I won't bee able to keep anyone from seeing/hearing it.
I've considered trying to find somewhere to stay for a couple nights. I need to get away from all this shit for a few days. I doubt I'll do it. Jason doesn't need me running away from everything. I don't want him to even think I'm trying to get away from him. Since I won't allow myself to get away, I'm stuck. I've been running myself past exhaustion before going to sleep so I'll be able to fall asleep quickly so I won't have to think and to reduce the chances of dreaming about any of this. I've hardly been eating...haven't felt like it. I've been tempted as hell to make use of my last blade. Sure, I'll kick myself for breaking my no cutting streak, but I'm starting to not care and the desperation to not feel this way is kicking in.