Desperate attempt at keeping my sanity
Its been said reality is what you make it. Well, right now, my reality is grim.
I spent this week trying to do things I enjoy and making some sort of attempt at taking care of myself while Jason was away. I even did more job hunting online. I was ok during the day, but I struggled to keep from losing it at night. I had a way out, but I couldn't bring myself to make a simple phone call asking to be picked up.
He came back last night, which was great and made the both of us feel better. I started slipping today. We'd made plans to drop off the applications I picked up a couple weeks ago, but it didn't happen since both of us were finally getting decent sleep.
It hit me earlier that, so far, things are the same. We wake up, watch TV or a movie, eat, and that's it. I know I shouldn't base things on one day, but I guess part of me really hoped he'd come back being better, having found his motivation. I don't know if that happened or not, but it doesn't seem like it.
Doesn't sound like I should be whining, huh? There's more.
The reality of our situation has finally hit me. I thought it had months ago, but it wasn't the true reality. I'm almost 27, have only ever had one steady job in my life, we're living with his mother, I have friends I don't get to see anymore or hardly ever because they're either too busy (I can understand that) or its too much of a hassle because I live farther away from them now, we have a pet we need to keep fed, we have pocket change in our bank account, I'm on a rather pricey asthma med that needs a refill very soon, and he has things to take care of with the car that will cost...then there's all of the things we want to do, all of which take money.
I'm feeling more hopeless than I have in a long time. I don't know what the hell happened. I was ok, looking forward to finding a job, being uncharacteristically optimistic, and its suddenly gone, leaving destruction. I feel so small, so defeated. I need to get the hell out of here, but I can't. He's asleep and people have lives of their own that don't need to be darkened by me. Part of me screams out for my red dreams. I'm almost tempted to give in. Sure, I'll regret it later, but it would temporarily erase these feelings, leaving numbness behind.
I don't know what to do. The side of me that seems to try to take care of the rest of me keeps saying call someone, but what's the point? I'll call, probably not get an answer, and feel even worse. Worse still, I'll get an answer and not be able to say what I need to, to admit I need someone, that I can't do this alone. I preach so fucking loudly of how important it is to lean on people when you need it, but I can hardly do it.
I spent this week trying to do things I enjoy and making some sort of attempt at taking care of myself while Jason was away. I even did more job hunting online. I was ok during the day, but I struggled to keep from losing it at night. I had a way out, but I couldn't bring myself to make a simple phone call asking to be picked up.
He came back last night, which was great and made the both of us feel better. I started slipping today. We'd made plans to drop off the applications I picked up a couple weeks ago, but it didn't happen since both of us were finally getting decent sleep.
It hit me earlier that, so far, things are the same. We wake up, watch TV or a movie, eat, and that's it. I know I shouldn't base things on one day, but I guess part of me really hoped he'd come back being better, having found his motivation. I don't know if that happened or not, but it doesn't seem like it.
Doesn't sound like I should be whining, huh? There's more.
The reality of our situation has finally hit me. I thought it had months ago, but it wasn't the true reality. I'm almost 27, have only ever had one steady job in my life, we're living with his mother, I have friends I don't get to see anymore or hardly ever because they're either too busy (I can understand that) or its too much of a hassle because I live farther away from them now, we have a pet we need to keep fed, we have pocket change in our bank account, I'm on a rather pricey asthma med that needs a refill very soon, and he has things to take care of with the car that will cost...then there's all of the things we want to do, all of which take money.
I'm feeling more hopeless than I have in a long time. I don't know what the hell happened. I was ok, looking forward to finding a job, being uncharacteristically optimistic, and its suddenly gone, leaving destruction. I feel so small, so defeated. I need to get the hell out of here, but I can't. He's asleep and people have lives of their own that don't need to be darkened by me. Part of me screams out for my red dreams. I'm almost tempted to give in. Sure, I'll regret it later, but it would temporarily erase these feelings, leaving numbness behind.
I don't know what to do. The side of me that seems to try to take care of the rest of me keeps saying call someone, but what's the point? I'll call, probably not get an answer, and feel even worse. Worse still, I'll get an answer and not be able to say what I need to, to admit I need someone, that I can't do this alone. I preach so fucking loudly of how important it is to lean on people when you need it, but I can hardly do it.