after midnight we're all the same
i just woke up from a nap. previously, david and i were eating lunch and watching x-files season 1 when i just kind of crumpled on his lap, my headache from work taking over. when he shut off the TV, i shuffled my way upstairs to sleep; david curled up beside me, waking not long later to kiss me goodbye before going to work. i slept without worrying about the time then. it's the weekend and i've no second job to attend to. i had wanted to cash a check given to us as a wedding gift and go to ross and get some baby clothes, but the banks had closed before i got off (early and against my wishes) from work. so i limply let him drive himself and was asleep again soon after i heard him start up the car.
i dreamed of setting up two small patio tables for a dinner party. towards the end, burnt and questionable chicken in hand, i followed two young kids to the scary neighbors to see what other edible wonders we could pull from her junk heap. when i'd learned that the chicken had come from her yard, i suddenly i saw it decaying and falling apart in my hands. when we passed the church, i quickly buried it and tried to forget i'd ever taken a bite. the rest of her yard was small and enshrouded in mists and a tarp of cobwebs. somewhere under there was her ancient trailer and piles of scrap metal. i saw her digging around it with a pitchfork, one eye on her shotgun if anyone besides kids came too close. i'd like to say i woke up in disgust, but it was really my cat kneading a nest on my lap. i turned over regardless to keep off of my back.
i've been dreaming about running away and/or hiding a lot lately. usually i don't know from whom i'm hiding, only that i still have the ability to lucid dream and escape in time. a theme of things being rotten, forgotten, broken, or decayed is rampant, as well as the ever present battle of good and evil. i'm never scared in any of the dreams, just consumed with the need to protect the ones i love or deem innocent, whether it be coworkers, david, or complete strangers.
i'm surprised i haven't dreamed of my little girl--lillian autumn woods-- yet, especially after learning yesterday that she was a she as we had hoped. even though she was mooning us on the ultrasound, her tiny coochie clearly visible, i admit i was still looking for a penis, just because everything seemed to be shitty that day. it would make sense. but there she was, twisting and turning, shaking her little fists and even arching her back, and always clearly a girl. she's very healthy so far, and we ordered some blood work just to make sure. neither david nor i have a family history of health concerns besides heart attacks and blood pressure worries. but that blood test will make sure that everything is okay. the only concern for me so far is that the placenta is covering the cervix, and if it doesn't lift, it means a c-section for me, but it was confirmed that i'm only 4 months, not 5, so there's plenty of time for it to lift.
only 4 months, like we had thought originally. that puts me back in march, making her a pisces. man. it's like dreaming of doing something extreme like take an exam you've been studying hard for, only to wake and discover you still have to take it. i've already lived like it's been five months, and now i have to do it all over again. the good news is i have one extra month to sign up for lamaze classes, plus there is a greater chance that it won't snow around the time i'm in labor.
david and i went and added clothes to our baby registry, picking out both girl clothes and some non-embellished boy clothes. hell, boys have the better darker colors! but girls have some uber-cute things, too. at the last moment we found the goth outfit: black leggings and grey dress with fake black and white striped shirt sleeves. most of the outfits we chose are for next fall (as that is what is on display now); i plan on keeping her in onesies from birth till summer, when the summer clothes will be available. so excited!!! i see little kids and smile, itchy to have my own in my arms at once.
i also look forward to my self-appointed maternity leave. the reason for the second job is so i can cover the cost of living for the month and a half i'll be off. i wish i could take off for longer, find some at-home job i could do, but everything i come across looks sketchy and/or unreliable. it's going to be one of those struggles with many facets: giving her up to day care after just months of life, trying to find a better job that may require enrolling in school, trying to make ends meet on just 30 hrs a week meanwhile. but i feel it will get better all around after a year. that is my prediction.
well, i'm off to find something better than this microwave dinner that more than slightly resembles cat food.
i dreamed of setting up two small patio tables for a dinner party. towards the end, burnt and questionable chicken in hand, i followed two young kids to the scary neighbors to see what other edible wonders we could pull from her junk heap. when i'd learned that the chicken had come from her yard, i suddenly i saw it decaying and falling apart in my hands. when we passed the church, i quickly buried it and tried to forget i'd ever taken a bite. the rest of her yard was small and enshrouded in mists and a tarp of cobwebs. somewhere under there was her ancient trailer and piles of scrap metal. i saw her digging around it with a pitchfork, one eye on her shotgun if anyone besides kids came too close. i'd like to say i woke up in disgust, but it was really my cat kneading a nest on my lap. i turned over regardless to keep off of my back.
i've been dreaming about running away and/or hiding a lot lately. usually i don't know from whom i'm hiding, only that i still have the ability to lucid dream and escape in time. a theme of things being rotten, forgotten, broken, or decayed is rampant, as well as the ever present battle of good and evil. i'm never scared in any of the dreams, just consumed with the need to protect the ones i love or deem innocent, whether it be coworkers, david, or complete strangers.
i'm surprised i haven't dreamed of my little girl--lillian autumn woods-- yet, especially after learning yesterday that she was a she as we had hoped. even though she was mooning us on the ultrasound, her tiny coochie clearly visible, i admit i was still looking for a penis, just because everything seemed to be shitty that day. it would make sense. but there she was, twisting and turning, shaking her little fists and even arching her back, and always clearly a girl. she's very healthy so far, and we ordered some blood work just to make sure. neither david nor i have a family history of health concerns besides heart attacks and blood pressure worries. but that blood test will make sure that everything is okay. the only concern for me so far is that the placenta is covering the cervix, and if it doesn't lift, it means a c-section for me, but it was confirmed that i'm only 4 months, not 5, so there's plenty of time for it to lift.
only 4 months, like we had thought originally. that puts me back in march, making her a pisces. man. it's like dreaming of doing something extreme like take an exam you've been studying hard for, only to wake and discover you still have to take it. i've already lived like it's been five months, and now i have to do it all over again. the good news is i have one extra month to sign up for lamaze classes, plus there is a greater chance that it won't snow around the time i'm in labor.
david and i went and added clothes to our baby registry, picking out both girl clothes and some non-embellished boy clothes. hell, boys have the better darker colors! but girls have some uber-cute things, too. at the last moment we found the goth outfit: black leggings and grey dress with fake black and white striped shirt sleeves. most of the outfits we chose are for next fall (as that is what is on display now); i plan on keeping her in onesies from birth till summer, when the summer clothes will be available. so excited!!! i see little kids and smile, itchy to have my own in my arms at once.
i also look forward to my self-appointed maternity leave. the reason for the second job is so i can cover the cost of living for the month and a half i'll be off. i wish i could take off for longer, find some at-home job i could do, but everything i come across looks sketchy and/or unreliable. it's going to be one of those struggles with many facets: giving her up to day care after just months of life, trying to find a better job that may require enrolling in school, trying to make ends meet on just 30 hrs a week meanwhile. but i feel it will get better all around after a year. that is my prediction.
well, i'm off to find something better than this microwave dinner that more than slightly resembles cat food.