dark light, come shine in her lost heart tonight
i long for the autumn. i long to see muted colors ablaze on the mountainside, slowly spreading in all directions like a bloodstain. i long to be able to step outside and breathe in the cool air, instead of a lungful of stagnant humidity. i want to feel old ghosts in the air again, slowly coming out of their graves to haunt the shadows in between the trees and the crisp darkness around each building. in the autumn, when nature is dying and retreating into itself, i come alive.
when i listen to HIM's dark light, this is what i feel, no matter what the weather is outside. this is the album i listened to nonstop when it came out, which was over two autumns ago. it is the soundtrack to lincolnton, nc, a quaint little town full of graveyards, haunted playgrounds, beautiful houses, and dark dreams. it was where the witches' brew, a once welcoming (and operating) coffee shop, made its home. that was a beautiful time in my life, even though the months following were not so. i loved that town and the feeling it gave me. i wanted to live there, next to the gnarled trees and stone walls, just out of reach of rednecks and rural farmland.
but, obviously, i do not. asheville is very similar in many ways, however. but i have yet to find a place as familiar as the witches brew once was (without having to find parking downtown), and sometimes i dream about buying my own place. coffee shops do have a high turnover rate here, so one has to be careful and smart if they own one.
anyway, off on a tangent. many things are happening this autumn, which usually seems to be a time of transformation for me. perhaps it's the fact that the pagan new year takes place in autumn, or perhaps, like the return to school, it's just the natural time to begin again.
my marriage to david is exactly three months (less one day) away. i dreamed last night that we had an impromptu ceremony (only his name was trent; i attribute that to the fact david cut his hair and dyed it black yesterday) in front a crowd of strangers in a club. HIM was supposed to show up later for a surprise concert. and even though the whole party was arielle's idea, i went along with it because, to me, there was no one else in the room but david. every time we kissed, the strobe lights and applause and multitudes of unknown faces faded and all i could see was his face and his smile, and all i could feel was absolute joy radiating all around me.
i picture our real wedding almost daily, but it's usually about who will be there, where to put the decorations, or the fact that i need to finish the invitations. i don't really imagine how i'll feel that day, or what things will *really* look like through the eyes of someone committing themselves to another person for the rest of their life. i hope it feels the way it did in my dream, like a bubble of pure happiness.
also this fall, david and i will learn the gender of our child. everyone asks us what we wish to have, boy or girl. and i say the same thing, i don't care as long as its healthy. i do want to know, however, so we can start buying clothes and planning ahead.
also, cassie is going to college--always a fun, interesting, difficult, and life changing event. she'll be in banner elk, a town in which i spent many a childhood vacation. sometimes i wish i could afford to go back to school. we won't be affording much when the baby comes. sacrifices will have to be made before change happens, i feel. i also feel next year will be the year i'll get on my feet when it comes to my career. it is, as i've said before, a year that will change my life for the better. year 24 and 26 proved to be that way. i'm sure year 28 will, as well.
in the meantime, i guess i'll go upstairs and work on those invites, or maybe paint on some of those white onsies i have, drink hot cider, and dream.
when i listen to HIM's dark light, this is what i feel, no matter what the weather is outside. this is the album i listened to nonstop when it came out, which was over two autumns ago. it is the soundtrack to lincolnton, nc, a quaint little town full of graveyards, haunted playgrounds, beautiful houses, and dark dreams. it was where the witches' brew, a once welcoming (and operating) coffee shop, made its home. that was a beautiful time in my life, even though the months following were not so. i loved that town and the feeling it gave me. i wanted to live there, next to the gnarled trees and stone walls, just out of reach of rednecks and rural farmland.
but, obviously, i do not. asheville is very similar in many ways, however. but i have yet to find a place as familiar as the witches brew once was (without having to find parking downtown), and sometimes i dream about buying my own place. coffee shops do have a high turnover rate here, so one has to be careful and smart if they own one.
anyway, off on a tangent. many things are happening this autumn, which usually seems to be a time of transformation for me. perhaps it's the fact that the pagan new year takes place in autumn, or perhaps, like the return to school, it's just the natural time to begin again.
my marriage to david is exactly three months (less one day) away. i dreamed last night that we had an impromptu ceremony (only his name was trent; i attribute that to the fact david cut his hair and dyed it black yesterday) in front a crowd of strangers in a club. HIM was supposed to show up later for a surprise concert. and even though the whole party was arielle's idea, i went along with it because, to me, there was no one else in the room but david. every time we kissed, the strobe lights and applause and multitudes of unknown faces faded and all i could see was his face and his smile, and all i could feel was absolute joy radiating all around me.
i picture our real wedding almost daily, but it's usually about who will be there, where to put the decorations, or the fact that i need to finish the invitations. i don't really imagine how i'll feel that day, or what things will *really* look like through the eyes of someone committing themselves to another person for the rest of their life. i hope it feels the way it did in my dream, like a bubble of pure happiness.
also this fall, david and i will learn the gender of our child. everyone asks us what we wish to have, boy or girl. and i say the same thing, i don't care as long as its healthy. i do want to know, however, so we can start buying clothes and planning ahead.
also, cassie is going to college--always a fun, interesting, difficult, and life changing event. she'll be in banner elk, a town in which i spent many a childhood vacation. sometimes i wish i could afford to go back to school. we won't be affording much when the baby comes. sacrifices will have to be made before change happens, i feel. i also feel next year will be the year i'll get on my feet when it comes to my career. it is, as i've said before, a year that will change my life for the better. year 24 and 26 proved to be that way. i'm sure year 28 will, as well.
in the meantime, i guess i'll go upstairs and work on those invites, or maybe paint on some of those white onsies i have, drink hot cider, and dream.