(no subject)
today was different. not necessarily in a bad way. after having one of "those nights" last night at about 1am, monica and i watched a movie called "better than chocolate" and afterwards, well, i'm not gonna write it out. you know. this morning i woke up to peace and quiet. i woke up alone. i texted her asking where she was. she texted me back saying she was going to surprise me and if i want i can come along. i told her i would like to if she wanted me to. so she came back. i put on a cute outfit, sleepy as i was, because i was excited. its not often we wake up before 1pm, especially after a late night. we went to einstein bagels, got bagels and ate. then we went and got thai tea, which is one of my top favorites up there by bubble tea. i even get bobas in it sometimes. ahhhh the memories. but, we went to barnes and noble, sat in those huge comfy chairs across from each other, and texted each other, cause bookstores are so "shhhhhhhhhhhh" all the time. it was pure, simple fun. i ended up taking dayquil and then claritin (way earlier, around noon) and then i felt sleepy. whoops, wasn't supposed to do that.
after that nice day i've had so far i still am up thinking how much my life sucks. not because of monica. she's actually one of the only things keeping it going. she is perfect. she is funny. she is just like me. she can take my jokes. i really love her. i really admire her. she takes care of me. she wants only to make me happy and to be with me and i could ask for nothing more. but, on the other hand...i miss maggy. i miss hanging out with carrie. i miss what used to be my friends as well. now i only have 4 real friends, being maggy, carrie, mikael and delia.
maggy is far away and i don't know how long it will be before we finally get to live within driving distance of each other. all i know is that i work opposite times than she does, and the time difference doesn't help my case. i don't get to talk to her like i used to. i used to rely on her to give me advice for anything. and she was my girl talk friend. we could just sit and talk about anything and have the best time ever. i see all her updates online of what she's doing and it makes me sad that i can't be there with her. i want to visit her so bad. but then its like, i don't have money. my aunt doesn't work for the airlines anymore cause her husband pays for everything. ughhh. crushed dreams. i need my best friend. i miss all our goofy times and all the stuff i did with her, she's always doing something fun. she's my tattoo buddy! i don't even feel right getting another tattoo without her nearby. i just think that maybe in a few years i will be living by her, so i won't have that problem. and hopefully very soon i will get to see her, because we don't talk that much but i seriously feel empty without her.
and carrie. one would think it would be easy. she lives in tampa, i live in tampa. she works in the same place as me, but honestly, it could never be harder. she works 7-3 and i work 3-11. ain't that a bitch? when we work, we work opposite weekends, so we can't even spend our free ones together. we both go to school, but summer classes just ended, thank goodness. when i have free time to talk on the phone or do stuff, she doesn't. she has doug, i have monica, and they both require attention. there are so many times that i sit at home and cry quietly to myself as to not wake monica when i would just love to call her or text her to go out with me. but then i remember, crap, she works early, i can't do that. and i miss her. i miss our jokes and making fun of people, especially of dane. i miss singing crazy songs. i have been listening to the cd she made me for my birthday just so i can remember our fun.
delia, she's always been one of my best friends. since 2nd grade. but as for knowing each other, we are pretty much complete strangers. after she got in college in new york, she has been so busy. she always has something going on, she's one of those involved people, she's always volunteering or in the newspaper writing team at school, or being in a billion clubs. she's one of those people that i never needed to keep close contact with, cause we always felt like even though we were apart, we were still close no matter what. but time has paid its toll. i just recently told her about monica, and i was scared to death to do that, i thought she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. she doesn't know about some of my tattoos. she doesn't know about pretty much anything, not my plans for school, not anything. blahhhh. she wouldn't understand if i told her any of my issues, she's never been in a real relationship. she is so optimistic, which i love, but i mean, its hard for me to be like that too. she is going to come to florida in the next couple weeks and all i'm trying to think is when i can make plans for her. i have work this weekend, i have tuesday off but i'm going to see jonas brothers that day, then i took friday off for seeing the grease show, and cobra starship the next day. how can i have time for her? ugh. the mornings? we just catch up a few hours every morning?
mikael, he's just someone i can talk to through anything. but even so, i can't talk to him about anything. not girl stuff. and thats sometimes what i need.
so my issues i'm having are...i miss my friends. i wish i had gotten more of the college experience, like more friends, going to clubs, being in clubs at school, not working my ass off. not paying all these huge bills and barely making it. i wanted to be able to do anything i want. i still want that. i want to be able to do things with my friends. everyone works when i'm sleeping and i work when everyone wants to have fun. its not fair. i hate it. i miss having a life. and i can hardly spend time with monica. i live with her, but she works til 3, i go in to work at 3, i get home by midnight. she's got to sleep. then all week, its like, the same thing. i sit in the room and watch netflix alone til i get sleepy and fall asleep. i'm awake when no one else is. no one is ever online at those hours. my car is starting to mess up and i know in my mind that i need to just suck it up and get a new one. i need to just get a car with 0 miles on it so i know what my car has been through and i can take care of it the way i should. i have a lot of money to be saving but i am not making money. i have 5 classes this fall, and i think they will be the death of me. i can't do all that work. i have to. i need to. but its going to be so much that it will drive me crazy. i'm taking 2 classes now and THAT'S too much for me. just imagine more. fuck. i wish i could just not work, or work part time. even just mornings or switched up so i have more of a life. i've been applying to jobs but job searching sucks. theres a supervisor position opening up at the new hospital, and i'm going to apply for it after being convinced that i should. i dont think i have the slightest chance of getting the spot but i can't give up before i try. it will be mornings most likely, so i will actually be getting some relief. if i can't get that, i want the regular tech spot for mornings. hopefully something works out.
i keep thinking about so much stuff and i just break down and cry. a few weeks ago i just cried for like 4 hours straight, all night. monica was so worried about me that she stayed home from work. and i had no one. i didn't want to bombard my friends with crazy texts of me being hysterical. when they wake up they don't need to see that. ugh, i was thinking of going to see a doctor to talk to about this crazyness but i don't have insurance. i can't do anything. i'm just worried that i'm not living my life to its fullest potential. i miss having my friends to be there and save me from myself. they're my everything.
:(
after that nice day i've had so far i still am up thinking how much my life sucks. not because of monica. she's actually one of the only things keeping it going. she is perfect. she is funny. she is just like me. she can take my jokes. i really love her. i really admire her. she takes care of me. she wants only to make me happy and to be with me and i could ask for nothing more. but, on the other hand...i miss maggy. i miss hanging out with carrie. i miss what used to be my friends as well. now i only have 4 real friends, being maggy, carrie, mikael and delia.
maggy is far away and i don't know how long it will be before we finally get to live within driving distance of each other. all i know is that i work opposite times than she does, and the time difference doesn't help my case. i don't get to talk to her like i used to. i used to rely on her to give me advice for anything. and she was my girl talk friend. we could just sit and talk about anything and have the best time ever. i see all her updates online of what she's doing and it makes me sad that i can't be there with her. i want to visit her so bad. but then its like, i don't have money. my aunt doesn't work for the airlines anymore cause her husband pays for everything. ughhh. crushed dreams. i need my best friend. i miss all our goofy times and all the stuff i did with her, she's always doing something fun. she's my tattoo buddy! i don't even feel right getting another tattoo without her nearby. i just think that maybe in a few years i will be living by her, so i won't have that problem. and hopefully very soon i will get to see her, because we don't talk that much but i seriously feel empty without her.
and carrie. one would think it would be easy. she lives in tampa, i live in tampa. she works in the same place as me, but honestly, it could never be harder. she works 7-3 and i work 3-11. ain't that a bitch? when we work, we work opposite weekends, so we can't even spend our free ones together. we both go to school, but summer classes just ended, thank goodness. when i have free time to talk on the phone or do stuff, she doesn't. she has doug, i have monica, and they both require attention. there are so many times that i sit at home and cry quietly to myself as to not wake monica when i would just love to call her or text her to go out with me. but then i remember, crap, she works early, i can't do that. and i miss her. i miss our jokes and making fun of people, especially of dane. i miss singing crazy songs. i have been listening to the cd she made me for my birthday just so i can remember our fun.
delia, she's always been one of my best friends. since 2nd grade. but as for knowing each other, we are pretty much complete strangers. after she got in college in new york, she has been so busy. she always has something going on, she's one of those involved people, she's always volunteering or in the newspaper writing team at school, or being in a billion clubs. she's one of those people that i never needed to keep close contact with, cause we always felt like even though we were apart, we were still close no matter what. but time has paid its toll. i just recently told her about monica, and i was scared to death to do that, i thought she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. she doesn't know about some of my tattoos. she doesn't know about pretty much anything, not my plans for school, not anything. blahhhh. she wouldn't understand if i told her any of my issues, she's never been in a real relationship. she is so optimistic, which i love, but i mean, its hard for me to be like that too. she is going to come to florida in the next couple weeks and all i'm trying to think is when i can make plans for her. i have work this weekend, i have tuesday off but i'm going to see jonas brothers that day, then i took friday off for seeing the grease show, and cobra starship the next day. how can i have time for her? ugh. the mornings? we just catch up a few hours every morning?
mikael, he's just someone i can talk to through anything. but even so, i can't talk to him about anything. not girl stuff. and thats sometimes what i need.
so my issues i'm having are...i miss my friends. i wish i had gotten more of the college experience, like more friends, going to clubs, being in clubs at school, not working my ass off. not paying all these huge bills and barely making it. i wanted to be able to do anything i want. i still want that. i want to be able to do things with my friends. everyone works when i'm sleeping and i work when everyone wants to have fun. its not fair. i hate it. i miss having a life. and i can hardly spend time with monica. i live with her, but she works til 3, i go in to work at 3, i get home by midnight. she's got to sleep. then all week, its like, the same thing. i sit in the room and watch netflix alone til i get sleepy and fall asleep. i'm awake when no one else is. no one is ever online at those hours. my car is starting to mess up and i know in my mind that i need to just suck it up and get a new one. i need to just get a car with 0 miles on it so i know what my car has been through and i can take care of it the way i should. i have a lot of money to be saving but i am not making money. i have 5 classes this fall, and i think they will be the death of me. i can't do all that work. i have to. i need to. but its going to be so much that it will drive me crazy. i'm taking 2 classes now and THAT'S too much for me. just imagine more. fuck. i wish i could just not work, or work part time. even just mornings or switched up so i have more of a life. i've been applying to jobs but job searching sucks. theres a supervisor position opening up at the new hospital, and i'm going to apply for it after being convinced that i should. i dont think i have the slightest chance of getting the spot but i can't give up before i try. it will be mornings most likely, so i will actually be getting some relief. if i can't get that, i want the regular tech spot for mornings. hopefully something works out.
i keep thinking about so much stuff and i just break down and cry. a few weeks ago i just cried for like 4 hours straight, all night. monica was so worried about me that she stayed home from work. and i had no one. i didn't want to bombard my friends with crazy texts of me being hysterical. when they wake up they don't need to see that. ugh, i was thinking of going to see a doctor to talk to about this crazyness but i don't have insurance. i can't do anything. i'm just worried that i'm not living my life to its fullest potential. i miss having my friends to be there and save me from myself. they're my everything.
:(