Today.....I Realized The Truth
I'm An Asshole....
Today the truth came knocking and I answered with my finger flipped straight at it. My aunt is dying. It happens. She's old and sick, such is life. My mom asked me if I wanted to go see her in that tone as to tell me she wasn't asking she was telling me, but since I'm now an "adult" she put it in the form of a question. I immediatly flipped the asshole switch asking whether or not my brother's have been, already knowing the answer.
You see if I wasn't a selfish twit, there would be no hesitation in my answer, I would just go, make my mom happy and spend the rest of the day depressed about how much it blows to get old. Instead I asked if my asshole brothers had gone and was of course greeted w/ a no. Then i got the whole "well you're a girl and you need to learn the responsibilities" blah blah blah. which actually just pissed me off even more because im sooo the opposite of all the things girls are actually supposed to be in this society.
Along with my failure at daughterism. I've come to the realization that after Kristin leaves, Thursday, I will no longer feel the need to interact with anyone. I should find it shocking that I've only hung out with my very best friend of 12 years about 4 times since she's been home from school, but i dont. I should also find it odd that everytime all of us are together there is some sort of bickering. but i don't. i just brush it off. but i shouldn't. im now realizing how much my tight group of girlfriends has grown apart this past year. it's amazing how different things have become. we used to spend every fucking moment together. we all used to get up so fucking early just to hang out before school and then we spent the whole day at school together with at least one of them in each of my classes. we all played sports together (1/2 softball and the lame 1/2 soccer). we hung out after practices and often times just spent the night at each others houses. i think this is partially the reason why i never examined how fucked up my own family was because we had all made one with each other. I thought when they got back everything would be just the way it was but i was so wrong. the group has changed so much. All 6 of us used to be so close. If we weren't all hanging out together it would be a few here and there. My friends have big plans for trips etc. coming up, but i'll probably just blow them off to be by myself. I've never been the flaky friend, but i can't be around them when they bicker w/ one another. im tired of saving the mess all of our friendships have become.
Have you ever called one of your "friends" and known it was going to be for the very last time? That's been happening to me so much lately. I used to take this sort of shit so personally because I was always scared I was spending too much time with the boyfriend and neglecting my friends (which i've later learned is ALWAYS the case with anyone until after they break up and need friends again, fuck ups). i always took pride in knowing that in my mind, my friends came first no matter what, but now that i don't have that mind set anymore, i feel confused and don't really know what comes first anymore. So in closing, im feeling like even when i move, shits still gonna be lingering but at least i'll be in a new place...i'll probably lose most of my old ties just because most of the friendships i have are the ones i've built up w/o much effort from the other person. im so tired of that shit. i invest too much into other people and just end up getting stepped on in the end. no one reads this, but that's not why im writing it...hopefully in 5 months, i'll start fresh, leavin everything behind accept for those family, friends, lovers who cared enough to pull their weight...
Today the truth came knocking and I answered with my finger flipped straight at it. My aunt is dying. It happens. She's old and sick, such is life. My mom asked me if I wanted to go see her in that tone as to tell me she wasn't asking she was telling me, but since I'm now an "adult" she put it in the form of a question. I immediatly flipped the asshole switch asking whether or not my brother's have been, already knowing the answer.
You see if I wasn't a selfish twit, there would be no hesitation in my answer, I would just go, make my mom happy and spend the rest of the day depressed about how much it blows to get old. Instead I asked if my asshole brothers had gone and was of course greeted w/ a no. Then i got the whole "well you're a girl and you need to learn the responsibilities" blah blah blah. which actually just pissed me off even more because im sooo the opposite of all the things girls are actually supposed to be in this society.
Along with my failure at daughterism. I've come to the realization that after Kristin leaves, Thursday, I will no longer feel the need to interact with anyone. I should find it shocking that I've only hung out with my very best friend of 12 years about 4 times since she's been home from school, but i dont. I should also find it odd that everytime all of us are together there is some sort of bickering. but i don't. i just brush it off. but i shouldn't. im now realizing how much my tight group of girlfriends has grown apart this past year. it's amazing how different things have become. we used to spend every fucking moment together. we all used to get up so fucking early just to hang out before school and then we spent the whole day at school together with at least one of them in each of my classes. we all played sports together (1/2 softball and the lame 1/2 soccer). we hung out after practices and often times just spent the night at each others houses. i think this is partially the reason why i never examined how fucked up my own family was because we had all made one with each other. I thought when they got back everything would be just the way it was but i was so wrong. the group has changed so much. All 6 of us used to be so close. If we weren't all hanging out together it would be a few here and there. My friends have big plans for trips etc. coming up, but i'll probably just blow them off to be by myself. I've never been the flaky friend, but i can't be around them when they bicker w/ one another. im tired of saving the mess all of our friendships have become.
Have you ever called one of your "friends" and known it was going to be for the very last time? That's been happening to me so much lately. I used to take this sort of shit so personally because I was always scared I was spending too much time with the boyfriend and neglecting my friends (which i've later learned is ALWAYS the case with anyone until after they break up and need friends again, fuck ups). i always took pride in knowing that in my mind, my friends came first no matter what, but now that i don't have that mind set anymore, i feel confused and don't really know what comes first anymore. So in closing, im feeling like even when i move, shits still gonna be lingering but at least i'll be in a new place...i'll probably lose most of my old ties just because most of the friendships i have are the ones i've built up w/o much effort from the other person. im so tired of that shit. i invest too much into other people and just end up getting stepped on in the end. no one reads this, but that's not why im writing it...hopefully in 5 months, i'll start fresh, leavin everything behind accept for those family, friends, lovers who cared enough to pull their weight...