Thanks for reading : Please drive through
Absolutely miserable today-
Listened to the ex cry on the phone for far too long last night and had nothing to say to him, listened to my mom take out her own frustration on me and tried not to take it personally while cracks of doubt regarding my abilities as a parent and my own self worth made me want to run far far away from my family again- they are so fucking hard on me sometimes- nothing I do is ever good enough for them sometimes- there's always judgement and yet I brought myself back here to face it again- like I always have. I've been running from them my whole life and to be honest I was far happier away from them and more confident about my abilities as a parent- yet I feel like I am cheating both the children and the family whenever I separate them. Besides there are reasons I am here, and yet I get grief for utilizing these benefits, even in moderation, according to their whims... it is laughable that they use the same benefits in tantalizing desperate arguments to pull me into their web, and then throw them back in my face when it is convenient for them to do so.
I'm feeling unproductive and stagnant. The job is secure, it's time to add something else to juggle- something else to accomplish.
I need a vacation- some refreshment- change of perspective, a new possibility. I think I will take a camera and go back to some place I love... some place that has always been my escape, my wasteland, my wonderland, Home Sweet 2nd Home of my irretrievably lost youth.
Sometimes I feel really cheated and bitter, but there's no point and I've got these two beautiful loving smart children.
I've got to start conserving money so I can get the hell out of here.
No appetite, no motivation to do anything extraordinary, and yet a nagging desire to do just that- it's a feeling comparable to the combined effects of heroine and cocaine and it's making my scalp crawl and causing a general inescapable numbness that is pervading everything in my life.
I get the sneaking suspicion that there was something out there far more exciting meant for me but I took a wrong turn somehow and missed the boat. I've been standing on the docks, watching it move farther and farther away from me, and not doing anything about it... and now I'm about ready to jump into the water and swim as quickly as I can to catch up to it but eight years was a long time to stand on the dock and it's likely the boat is so far gone I'll never find it- may as well wait for the next one and see if it's desirable.
Where others would be content in complacency with the achievements thus far, I feel empty and impatient and pace restlessly as if there's something very important I should be doing but I can't seem to remember or place precisely what that is. It's not unhappiness, it's a sense of failed personal obligation leading to confusion.
And ever beyond, behind, that- there is this overwhelming defeating feeling of self pity- this feeling of being an inconsequential speck in the greater scheme and that the difference between living out my days as I am, or striving for more... is pointless. It affects nothing, but it affects me.
I fucked up. How long will I continue to fuck it up and fail to begin dreaming of something more than what I once had- because while that temporary dream life once fulfilled me and gave me purpose- it is now remembered with a sense of remorse and overwhelming sadness that will forever mark its course.
I've played the unintentional and ultimately unwanted part that I wrote for myself for far too long- and I've failed myself in doing so. But if I move in new directions, do I fail those around me who will continue to expect me to play the part I plotted out and immersed myself in so completely?
Which is the lesser sacrifice? Which is the greater good?
Always, I hear the word SELFISH flung in my direction, like a round of arrows straight for my vitals. And I notice that it is always aimed by those who have no ambition for anything beyond what they've always known and done.
I was not meant for this life, so I can no longer keep trying to hold onto something I can't feel anymore, something that is causing numbness and immobility. I have to move forward, in the knowledge that I will never recover 8 years I spent getting so far off track from the things that called to me, that spoke to me.
I hear no calling now- just silence and my own frustration, and I wait for a sign.
Listened to the ex cry on the phone for far too long last night and had nothing to say to him, listened to my mom take out her own frustration on me and tried not to take it personally while cracks of doubt regarding my abilities as a parent and my own self worth made me want to run far far away from my family again- they are so fucking hard on me sometimes- nothing I do is ever good enough for them sometimes- there's always judgement and yet I brought myself back here to face it again- like I always have. I've been running from them my whole life and to be honest I was far happier away from them and more confident about my abilities as a parent- yet I feel like I am cheating both the children and the family whenever I separate them. Besides there are reasons I am here, and yet I get grief for utilizing these benefits, even in moderation, according to their whims... it is laughable that they use the same benefits in tantalizing desperate arguments to pull me into their web, and then throw them back in my face when it is convenient for them to do so.
I'm feeling unproductive and stagnant. The job is secure, it's time to add something else to juggle- something else to accomplish.
I need a vacation- some refreshment- change of perspective, a new possibility. I think I will take a camera and go back to some place I love... some place that has always been my escape, my wasteland, my wonderland, Home Sweet 2nd Home of my irretrievably lost youth.
Sometimes I feel really cheated and bitter, but there's no point and I've got these two beautiful loving smart children.
I've got to start conserving money so I can get the hell out of here.
No appetite, no motivation to do anything extraordinary, and yet a nagging desire to do just that- it's a feeling comparable to the combined effects of heroine and cocaine and it's making my scalp crawl and causing a general inescapable numbness that is pervading everything in my life.
I get the sneaking suspicion that there was something out there far more exciting meant for me but I took a wrong turn somehow and missed the boat. I've been standing on the docks, watching it move farther and farther away from me, and not doing anything about it... and now I'm about ready to jump into the water and swim as quickly as I can to catch up to it but eight years was a long time to stand on the dock and it's likely the boat is so far gone I'll never find it- may as well wait for the next one and see if it's desirable.
Where others would be content in complacency with the achievements thus far, I feel empty and impatient and pace restlessly as if there's something very important I should be doing but I can't seem to remember or place precisely what that is. It's not unhappiness, it's a sense of failed personal obligation leading to confusion.
And ever beyond, behind, that- there is this overwhelming defeating feeling of self pity- this feeling of being an inconsequential speck in the greater scheme and that the difference between living out my days as I am, or striving for more... is pointless. It affects nothing, but it affects me.
I fucked up. How long will I continue to fuck it up and fail to begin dreaming of something more than what I once had- because while that temporary dream life once fulfilled me and gave me purpose- it is now remembered with a sense of remorse and overwhelming sadness that will forever mark its course.
I've played the unintentional and ultimately unwanted part that I wrote for myself for far too long- and I've failed myself in doing so. But if I move in new directions, do I fail those around me who will continue to expect me to play the part I plotted out and immersed myself in so completely?
Which is the lesser sacrifice? Which is the greater good?
Always, I hear the word SELFISH flung in my direction, like a round of arrows straight for my vitals. And I notice that it is always aimed by those who have no ambition for anything beyond what they've always known and done.
I was not meant for this life, so I can no longer keep trying to hold onto something I can't feel anymore, something that is causing numbness and immobility. I have to move forward, in the knowledge that I will never recover 8 years I spent getting so far off track from the things that called to me, that spoke to me.
I hear no calling now- just silence and my own frustration, and I wait for a sign.