WE ARE ALL LYING HERE: Friendship pt 2
I think I need to admit here that I have a tendency to say, "I have no friends," and I leave it at that without clarifying, which is wrong of me on so many levels, and I really need to erase that sentence from my vocabulary, period. Because I have said it at a table surrounded by people (men) who are in fact my friends, and I always feel like such a shit because what I mean when I say it is closer to "I have no women in my life here in Tampa with whom I connect on a level equal to the level on which I connect with men."
Because I do have friends. I went on a hike today with four guys, one of whom I just met this morning, but we all talked and interacted and got along and it was a lovely time. These people are my friends, I just find myself not viewing them as such because they're guys, as though I can only be friends with women or girls, which rationally and logically I know is stupid. It's small-minded of me, and I don't know why I have this mindset. Perhaps because it's been drilled into my head for years that men and women can't just be friends, there's always underlying erotic tension--which I've never believed, and yet, look at me. The indoctrination gets in there and plants its insidious roots and here I am spending wonderful days and evenings with people whose company I enjoy and who inspire me and who I respect on multiple levels and I can't call them my friends out of some fear that--what? It's fake because we just want to sleep with each other? So not true! This is so stupid! And it makes me look and feel like a giant jerk because if that's what I'm thinking, then it means I'm definitely not showing those people enough appreciation, and I really need to work on that. These men come to my birthdays and my shows and other random events (and I go to theirs; it's not one-way). We spend holidays together and go on vacations together and have toured together and have gotten into all kinds of zaniness together. We talk about band ideas and music, books, movies, screenplays we want to write together, crazy get-rich schemes. We work together, we help each other out. If that's not friendship, what is?
I still desire that kind of connection with women, though. Does this make me greedy? Or is there some real distinction? Are friendships with women different, somehow? Is that difference what makes them harder to make and maintain? Or is it just some personal hang-up? If I view female friendships as my only real friendships, then it's conceivable that I expect too much from them and put too much pressure on them, and it's conceivable that no relationship would survive under that weight. And maybe it also comes from the examples of female friendship that drew me in when I was younger: those impenetrable bond, not just friends, but sisters, each others' worlds--see everything from The Baby Sitters Club to Joyce Carol Oates's Foxfire (the book so much more so than the movie) to even something like The Craft(before Nancy gets all power-hungry). A girl tribe, full of unwavering support. But if you're always comparing real life to fiction (and I often catch myself doing this), real life is always going to come up short.
Because I do have friends. I went on a hike today with four guys, one of whom I just met this morning, but we all talked and interacted and got along and it was a lovely time. These people are my friends, I just find myself not viewing them as such because they're guys, as though I can only be friends with women or girls, which rationally and logically I know is stupid. It's small-minded of me, and I don't know why I have this mindset. Perhaps because it's been drilled into my head for years that men and women can't just be friends, there's always underlying erotic tension--which I've never believed, and yet, look at me. The indoctrination gets in there and plants its insidious roots and here I am spending wonderful days and evenings with people whose company I enjoy and who inspire me and who I respect on multiple levels and I can't call them my friends out of some fear that--what? It's fake because we just want to sleep with each other? So not true! This is so stupid! And it makes me look and feel like a giant jerk because if that's what I'm thinking, then it means I'm definitely not showing those people enough appreciation, and I really need to work on that. These men come to my birthdays and my shows and other random events (and I go to theirs; it's not one-way). We spend holidays together and go on vacations together and have toured together and have gotten into all kinds of zaniness together. We talk about band ideas and music, books, movies, screenplays we want to write together, crazy get-rich schemes. We work together, we help each other out. If that's not friendship, what is?
I still desire that kind of connection with women, though. Does this make me greedy? Or is there some real distinction? Are friendships with women different, somehow? Is that difference what makes them harder to make and maintain? Or is it just some personal hang-up? If I view female friendships as my only real friendships, then it's conceivable that I expect too much from them and put too much pressure on them, and it's conceivable that no relationship would survive under that weight. And maybe it also comes from the examples of female friendship that drew me in when I was younger: those impenetrable bond, not just friends, but sisters, each others' worlds--see everything from The Baby Sitters Club to Joyce Carol Oates's Foxfire (the book so much more so than the movie) to even something like The Craft(before Nancy gets all power-hungry). A girl tribe, full of unwavering support. But if you're always comparing real life to fiction (and I often catch myself doing this), real life is always going to come up short.