I Feel Pretty
I haven't written in a while. Since my last post I have gone vegan, and made little to no progress on my keyboard technique. My birthday went by, and my parents bought me a clavichord kit. I've made little to no progress on that as well.
It's taken a while, but I feel pretty good.
In any relationship I've ever been in, I've always viciously resented the other party for their past. Their past romances, pseudo-romances, mistakes, and things that I deem as mistakes (that they thus far had not) have grated on me, until every time I thought about that person it felt like someone was screaming in my ear, "this is not fair! you deserve better!".
I do deserve purity. I do deserve pure devotion, and I deserve a relationship that is untainted by their past. I do want everything to be absolutely perfect, and I know that that is what I should have.
This is a huge stigma for me. It has caused so much turbulence in my life, I believe it's triggered a good amount of the stupid phases and behaviors that you've all seen me blindly struggle through. I end up feeling worthless, because I can't find the "virginity" I want so badly.
I've felt that to ignore one's past and focus purely on who I see would be self-delusion- the kind that rears up and bites you in the ass when you get too far into it. I've never let them escape themselves. They were tied down for being the slutty idiots they were. It was the only way I felt safe. It kept them in check.
What I feel I may be realizing is that my actions were more akin to self-delusion than I felt. On one of my more reflective days, smoking clove cigarettes by a highway in southern Virginia, I evaluated myself. I saw who I am, and who I was.
I saw that this registered in my mind as different people entirely; there was the vulgar, inaccessible, single-minded "me" a few months ago, and there was a slightly more open and thoughtful "me" that I see myself as now. To think of myself today as who I was before would be unfair. That person, his mistakes, his rashness, his anger, is all gone. That is not me. I exist solely as I am right now, as I type. I would expect to be loved as just that.
I'm not saying that this is in any way a total transformation. I'm still Sean. There are underlying factors that the two "personalities" share that I don't predict will ever change.
That said, I realize that this works both ways. To love who I see at a given instant is fair. I know her, I understand her, and I am comfortable with that. There are no catches. I am loving a real human being, and real love is exactly what I'm after.
Sarah is wonderful. I don't want to change her (although I do want to affect her in some ways), and whatever she does with herself will be okay with me. I trust her, despite judgments I've made in the past.
This is exactly where I want to be, and I am thoroughly enjoying every second of it.
I'm clean now, so I am going to bed.
Dom, I miss you. I still love you, of course, and I hope you come visit me sometime. I'm sorry.
It's taken a while, but I feel pretty good.
In any relationship I've ever been in, I've always viciously resented the other party for their past. Their past romances, pseudo-romances, mistakes, and things that I deem as mistakes (that they thus far had not) have grated on me, until every time I thought about that person it felt like someone was screaming in my ear, "this is not fair! you deserve better!".
I do deserve purity. I do deserve pure devotion, and I deserve a relationship that is untainted by their past. I do want everything to be absolutely perfect, and I know that that is what I should have.
This is a huge stigma for me. It has caused so much turbulence in my life, I believe it's triggered a good amount of the stupid phases and behaviors that you've all seen me blindly struggle through. I end up feeling worthless, because I can't find the "virginity" I want so badly.
I've felt that to ignore one's past and focus purely on who I see would be self-delusion- the kind that rears up and bites you in the ass when you get too far into it. I've never let them escape themselves. They were tied down for being the slutty idiots they were. It was the only way I felt safe. It kept them in check.
What I feel I may be realizing is that my actions were more akin to self-delusion than I felt. On one of my more reflective days, smoking clove cigarettes by a highway in southern Virginia, I evaluated myself. I saw who I am, and who I was.
I saw that this registered in my mind as different people entirely; there was the vulgar, inaccessible, single-minded "me" a few months ago, and there was a slightly more open and thoughtful "me" that I see myself as now. To think of myself today as who I was before would be unfair. That person, his mistakes, his rashness, his anger, is all gone. That is not me. I exist solely as I am right now, as I type. I would expect to be loved as just that.
I'm not saying that this is in any way a total transformation. I'm still Sean. There are underlying factors that the two "personalities" share that I don't predict will ever change.
That said, I realize that this works both ways. To love who I see at a given instant is fair. I know her, I understand her, and I am comfortable with that. There are no catches. I am loving a real human being, and real love is exactly what I'm after.
Sarah is wonderful. I don't want to change her (although I do want to affect her in some ways), and whatever she does with herself will be okay with me. I trust her, despite judgments I've made in the past.
This is exactly where I want to be, and I am thoroughly enjoying every second of it.
I'm clean now, so I am going to bed.
Dom, I miss you. I still love you, of course, and I hope you come visit me sometime. I'm sorry.