(no subject)
same old story, over and over.
im tired. just constantly weary and frustrated. now i have to settle. it feels like failure, but to be fair, it's not like it hasn't been failure for months, anyway.
how did i get here, anyway.
separately, i started playing warcraft again. it's been nice to get back in touch with old friends. doing 5 man heroics with my warcraft buddies is about as good as it gets. i don't know how much i would've cracked by now if i didn't have it as an outlet the last few weeks. it's weird to have several people send me messages asking me if it's the 'original' xenicore, heh. people i don't even remember playing with. crazy. i am living proof that you can play that game and not let it ruin or take over your life. but watching some kids--particularly ones with kids crying in the background--play for hours upon hours and you just KNOW they're hiding from the wives they don't love, the kids they hate, or the personal problems that are too hard to deal with. that's hard to see. for those kinds of people, i honestly think that game is like a drug. an escape from reality, but not a healthy one. more like an alternate reality.
but i get it. i understand why people let it get to that point. it's a stable environment with innumerable, constantly changing things that you can occupy yourself with. there is no death, no real stresses, no severe social divides. it's always there. and while it changes, it never really does, either. i think that's something people grasp for when they feel like they no longer have control over their lives. it's something most of us feel at least once or twice for short or longer periods in our lives. i just don't think it's a good place to dwell.
but i get it. we all have fears upon graduating from college, but underlying all that is a confidence. the belief that our good schooling, proper upbringing, and intelligence will carve a path in life for us. it instills a sense of pride--or standards. you are loathe to sink beneath them, and settle for something you feel is beneath you. i put off, stalled, hoped, dug deeper, clawed and scratched at every little corner just to avoid having to admit defeat--and that's really what it is--to no avail, i guess. i've hit rock-bottom--except, without all the depression and desperation. just numbness, i guess. suddenly i feel like there is no place for me in this world.
that sucks.
im tired. just constantly weary and frustrated. now i have to settle. it feels like failure, but to be fair, it's not like it hasn't been failure for months, anyway.
how did i get here, anyway.
separately, i started playing warcraft again. it's been nice to get back in touch with old friends. doing 5 man heroics with my warcraft buddies is about as good as it gets. i don't know how much i would've cracked by now if i didn't have it as an outlet the last few weeks. it's weird to have several people send me messages asking me if it's the 'original' xenicore, heh. people i don't even remember playing with. crazy. i am living proof that you can play that game and not let it ruin or take over your life. but watching some kids--particularly ones with kids crying in the background--play for hours upon hours and you just KNOW they're hiding from the wives they don't love, the kids they hate, or the personal problems that are too hard to deal with. that's hard to see. for those kinds of people, i honestly think that game is like a drug. an escape from reality, but not a healthy one. more like an alternate reality.
but i get it. i understand why people let it get to that point. it's a stable environment with innumerable, constantly changing things that you can occupy yourself with. there is no death, no real stresses, no severe social divides. it's always there. and while it changes, it never really does, either. i think that's something people grasp for when they feel like they no longer have control over their lives. it's something most of us feel at least once or twice for short or longer periods in our lives. i just don't think it's a good place to dwell.
but i get it. we all have fears upon graduating from college, but underlying all that is a confidence. the belief that our good schooling, proper upbringing, and intelligence will carve a path in life for us. it instills a sense of pride--or standards. you are loathe to sink beneath them, and settle for something you feel is beneath you. i put off, stalled, hoped, dug deeper, clawed and scratched at every little corner just to avoid having to admit defeat--and that's really what it is--to no avail, i guess. i've hit rock-bottom--except, without all the depression and desperation. just numbness, i guess. suddenly i feel like there is no place for me in this world.
that sucks.