What
Alright- so pausing and trying to put into words the feelings in my chest right now.
I know I am trying to keep distracted, but then I wonder from what.
So I pause. I stop.
I allow what is to be and I at first felt anxiety.
My body knows that the emotions will come, the awareness will come, and my body still has a large amount of attempts to protect me.
Only recently have I really started to see it drift into protection land. This is the land where whatever is my being still, being present, base level of feelings / exhaustion is something that is difficult to sit with.
All the self-help books you find annoying and say are garbage talk about sitting with things that our mind tries to shy away from.
So I'm sitting.
What am I finding?
- - - - -
I am reaching, reaching out.
for something that has a good answer, a good feeling.
I want to be a part of something, and doing the thing that keeps me strong and balanced feels selfish and feels slightly wrong.
There is doubt. What if I'm wrong?
Usually anxiety keeps me immobile in these decisions. Which is also fair because if I just stick with it the world moves on, things keep going. I just don't touch it.
The problem is my mind keeps reviewing it again and again and again.
That wastes time and energy.
Previously in my life during these moments I have put trust in the universe. The unknown chaotic entity to show me the right path. Or rather, to take control of whatever is just naturally going to happen and then it just happens naturally.
I just let it be.
My confidence in the universe.
I never have confidence in myself. Why not? Am I not someone with reasonable experience and decision making skills? I should be able to make a decision and stick to it.
So weigh the pros and cons and stick with it.
Trust myself.
Trust myself.cf new information comes up, but trust that my gut is based on a decade of experience and that I am able to communicate and express and understand.
I am competent.
I should be confident.