Two Angles
Someday, when I'm old, I will be able to sit with where I am and be grateful.
Someday, when I am old, I'll be able to just be
Today is not that day, this season of life is not that season.
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Angle 1: Working on being in my present, accepting my spot, and existing in life the way most people do.
(I really hate the term most people)
I have a job that I am learning. I have a husband who is wonderfully... Well, he's...
Ugh. See. I can't talk about his great qualities because then I will feel like shit.
Let's try again.
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My husband.
He is patient. He is stable.
He is an immovable rock that digs deep and keeps rolling towards an unknown destination.
I am the squirrel, searching the trees for nuts, fretting about winter, and running ahead.
He sees me as something wonderful, something powerful, something strong, and I feel that. So I can be that.
But I am also just a squirrel, which he also sees.
I talk at the rock, I run around the rock, I come back and check in once I've scouted the whole path ahead.
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Yesterday my husband and I had a long talk. I asked about forgiveness and shame. I asked what would happen if I am just who I am and that if who I am means I am unable to exist in a steady, safe, wonderful relationship.
He told me we would be okay and that we would work on it.
He told me that he does not believe I am a bad person.
He told me that talking and reaching out and checking back in is what we have to do. Reach out, be uncomfortable and awkward.
I guess feel vulnerable.
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I have spent so long moving forward. My friend reminded me that I hit this wall a couple years ago where I was floundering and flailing and reaching out.
I hate settling, I hate stagnation
THIS IS NOT THAT
Or it shouldn't be.
So what are the words?
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I just yelled at my husband for interrupting this train of thought because I'm not good at this train of thought.
This is the train of thought I need to sit with and exist with.
Let's break it down.
Stagnation = Routine = Safety = Comfort = Support
Settling = Finding a home = Being surrounded by family = Comfort = Support
Routine and comfort are not boring. They are what we strive for.
Existence within a place that is no longer dangerous.
Within a place that is no longer full of surprises.
That is what we want
Right?