(no subject)
I constantly crave a changing in scenery, a change in my day to day. Why?
I guess that is the question I have said I am asking myself more and more these days.
I never feel as alive as when I'm preparing for change, expecting the unknown. It thrills me, chills me, makes me want to rise to a challenge.
The regular world is not a challenge. Or is it?
Do I not know how to face the challenge of the day to day? Does the day to day scare me with it's stability and strength?
This is another one of those strange reflective days where I spend hours contemplating the same thought over and over, convinced I need to type it out to keep it... Then when the words are typed out they are not the same.
What is this change? This filter? Is it a fear of what others will say if they read it, or is it a changing of how I state things because that's how I control for the former in the real world?
I'm working on letting go of stubborn expectations. I'm working on holding space for all of my emotions and for the emotions of others.
I guess the later sounds like I'm taking in the emotions of others, but that's not true. It's more of an assumptive space. I assume that they have as much room for a variety of emotions as I do, therefore I can hold no judgment on them and must give them space to sort and sift and create as they will do.
The low moment yesterday happened when I was holding all of this space and had a hard realization that the two people I love most dearly in this life really wanted nothing to do with me at the time. They both just want to do their own thing and keep to themselves. For someone who has always been left alone and abandoned by those she thought were supposed to be close this hits hard. It's not the same though.
That's one of the things my therapist and I have talked about. That just because a person's actions hit a triggering aspect of my trauma does not make their intent malicious. Nor does it grant me some sort of loftier level of need or expectation. It just simply is.
I am enough, I am worthy, and I am loved.