Listening
Hearing what people are really saying is hard.
Taking people at their word is hard.
Do you really know what you need? Are you trying to manipulate me and work your way into getting something else by saying "No, don't bother..."
First off, I hate people that do the later. It makes me so confused. I then take every no as yes and every yes as "I guess so, but not really."
Good god, that's infuriating just putting that into words. It is definitely what happens. I think people are lying constantly. Geez.
So then we put that into the context of listening to people I actually care about...
Had a realization yesterday that I do hear people, but I then fear I made the wrong choice. Instead of being comforted by the fact that I am giving the person the space that they are asking for, I am frozen with fear and guilt about getting it wrong.
I am also in constant competition between hearing people and what they want/need and quelling the screaming voice in my head for my own selfish needs.
Hearing someone else and providing them access to what they have requested sounds lovely. You are caring for someone else, showing them you love them. But it feels like an empty void to me.
Giving people space and letting them come to their own conclusion feels like silence. It feels like a hole in my chest. It feels overwhelming. I feel vulnerable in that space, that for whatever reason me doing what they ask will be the wrong choice and then they'll leave me.
If I give them space, they'll never come back.
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Definitely a little more brooding than making space in that last part, but that's okay. I'll work on coming full circle by the end. That is this new process, right? Not being hooking in the brooding. Though, who doesn't love a good brood on the porch in a hoodie as it rains? The feel of the void as you embrace it for a couple hours listening to the song that echos against it's walls, vibrating inside the emptiness giving it that heavy, weighted feel.
If you've never done that, I am not sure how good or bad that is.
According to the research done by other people that I am trying to follow, labeling the many emotions within spaces like that versus getting hooked and stuck inside them is the better option.
It allows them to exist alongside us, not overtake us.
- - - - -
Paused to write down a tad of the brooding stuff from here in case it makes a reasonable song. I am finding that space from the emotions also helps in writing in that sense as well. Space helps up see clearer, feel clearer, and be more present in an actionable space.
Voicing things like the fear I have about getting it wrong... That also helped.
It's fear. Why am I afraid?
I'm afraid of abandonment.
Afraid of loneliness.
I also fear never being acknowledged for the love that I have.
I am worthy of being loved, and that is coming more and more into focus. After acknowledging that, I am starting to acknowledge the love that others have for me. I am associating love with their actions and their words. I am trying to pinpoint areas of validation that are not in exact correlation with the crazy shit I do out of love.
See me, love me, hear me. That's what I look for validation through. I will throw myself at you and when you look me in the eye and give my direct engagement reaction I am validated.
What about all the other things you do? What about all the other things you say?
For years, and even now, I am too caught up in my own tornado to see.
A deep breath, a clean counter top. A smile, a yes to a lengthy question or request.
Nothing else is necessary. No words, no explanation, no holding my face and saying "I love you and see you"
The later is what my brain imagines happening, I guess. When it doesn't there is a crashing of the world around me and I feel vulnerable. I'm walking a tightrope high in the sky- the air is thin. I panic.
Panic is where I fuck up and push people away. Even if I see my folly, I am then stuck. I find it hard to apologize, or I hunker so far back as if struck when apologizing because I am mortified that I crossed a line I really wanted to cross that fucked up the outcome I was actually hoping for.
Shame.
Shame.
Remaining present in a space of shame is fucking difficult. I just know it's something I'm supposed to do here lately, not actually how to do it yet. I think similar to how I started seeing a parting in the clouds while trying to stop the negative voices, I am starting to see the clouds part in times of panic.
I am in no way excellent or an expert, but I feel the growth.
I can tell my inner child that I am proud of her.
That line actually made me tear up typing it. Because so violent and over the top are some of my reactions to shame... They come from that little girl. The one never seen, the one never validated. The one who can't fathom why anyone would want to sit alone.
It has taken me many years to regain an appreciation for silence, for loneliness. Still longer (honestly, a very current struggle) is being able to engage in things for me and me alone.
Writing a song? No one cares. Journaling some meaningful full circle healthy progress bullshit? No one gives a damn.
The harsh wording aside, being able to do these things for myself and only myself is very, very hard.
It's not that no one cares, really. It's that no one has to care.
I am worthy regardless.
They are giving me outlets and meaning regardless.
Being worthy and having outlets and finding meaning... These are the things that then allow me to show up for others in a way no one has been able to show up for me.
That last statement is also probably false and is a little leaning towards that other side of the spectrum. My brain is full of brooding (side 1) and... Entitlement? Arrogance? Condescending?
Brooding - - - - - - - - Arrogance
That one seems to fit pretty well. But condescending is an action similar to brooding.
Brooding - - - - - - - - Condescending
When I brood I fall into a pit of unworthiness. When I condescend I push away.
Pushing down and pushing up. Or pushing up and pushing down.
These metaphors (are they?) feel pretty fun right now. Possibly a dissociation technique from how much they hook me.
- - - - -
Okay, to sum up.
Reminding myself I am worthy. Finding joy and fulfillment in things that no one has to know or give a shit about. These allow me to show up for others in a way that I find meaningful and in line with my values.
Stability, compassion, mindfulness, growth.
Those were the values I came to the conclusion I have after months of fretting, looking up definitions, and fearing that I was anchorless and couldn't continue without some sort of direction.
I have financial stability due to the work I have done to get the job that I have.
As long as I remain in this field, that stability is there.
I have relationship stability due to being married. Not because marriage makes stability, but because the man I chose to marry is one that is stable. Together we help carry the other's weight and issues. Sometimes the scale tips to far one way or another, but overall we remain balanced and communicative.
I have interpersonal stability with the small circle of friends I have concocted over the years here. If someone is unavailable, there is another avenue.
I have also concocted inner stability by beginning to trust in myself with my choices, with my actions, and with spending time with myself. Giving myself the worth that I was always worthy of gives my loneliness stability and makes it less lonely.
Similarly I can go back and forth with mindfulness and growth.
Compassion is my downfall.
I feel the desire to be compassionate, through a strong empathy for others. I have huge walls and barriers to the expression of this that involve years of rejection, years of being used, and general lack of experience providing compassion in a healthy manner.
Similar to everything else in my life, this is something I can work on.
Small, tiny, miniscule steps that eventually open up a space in the clouds.
A breath. A chance to step back.
Just keep going.