Why?
So there are two things I know right now.
1) Marriage is hard
2) No matter how hard you try, trauma still keeps track of you
I think that my current emotional state is related to hormones. Let's just go with that and follow this for a bit without hooking on too many things. I'm needy, I'm extra, I'm go go go.
Anytime I get like this I get very vulnerable. I get very afraid. Why would anyone want this? I feel like everything I do shoves people away.
I also, looking from the outside and unhooking a bit (maybe?), think that I feel those ways because the actions are very much a "HEY LOOK AT ME" thing without really being a hey look at me thing.
For my childhood all I wanted was to be seen.
To be noticed.
To mean something.
Now as an adult, I definitely mean something to people. I am also seen, and I am also noticed. What isn't happening is the large amount of this I feel I've lost and my mind seems to thing it is "owed" or somehow actually thinks the level I'm craving is the actual level of reciprocation for the things that I do.
A friend often says "no one cares."
He doesn't say it to be mean. He doesn't say it because he doesn't care.
He says it because every excuse that I make, every cry out to notice something, every connection that I let people know or any additional information on something random that I might add... People really don't care.
This does not mean that they do not care about me.
It means... Well, I'm not sure. The opposite thought, wherein I am a vaccuum sucking everything back in for me and only me, is also hard to swallow and most definitely equally as flawed.
Can I save it? No. But it's always there. I am always there. I am always here. And I a worthy and I am seen and I will continue to be so. People will continue to see me and love me. No one will abandon me, only drift and that's correctable or natural whichever you feel is the way to go.
TO UNHOOK:
Why?
That helped in the car today. I was spiraling down these and suddenly when I felt rejected in recaps of stories from going out this weekend, or abandoned by people who probably just wanted to sleep and recover from their work week, I asked myself why.
Why does it scare me? Why does it bother me?
Because I feel alone.
I feel seperated.
I feel isolated and confused.
I feel unwanted.
That has nothing to do with them or what they have said or what they feel. The pit in my stomach is from my childhood.
I sat in that pit a lot.
The older I get the more gnawing it feels, but at the same time the more I am starting to notice it's jaws.
Thoughts are just words. They have no power.
Emotions have power, but they are also just pieces of me that exist. Gnawing trauma is something I can address and explore. Unhooking is just the first step.
Keep going.
Keep growing.
The things will come.
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Congratulations on day 2 of non-toxic spiraling journal entries!