Fic: In the Calm
Title: In the Calm
Characters/Pairings: F!Shep, Thane, Samara, Miranda, F!Shep/Garrus.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2000
Summary: In the hours before the Omega 4 Relay, Shepard has doubts she can't quite express. She visits her companions to get their perspective, and finds an unexpected reason to go on.
Author's Note: This 4-part story was inspired by the me_challenge random word challenge (#27) 'Patience'.
In the Calm
Thane: Patience
The assassin sits at the table within his quarters. Lost in memories, he doesn't hear when Shepard enters the room, crosses over to him. He only realises she is there when her hand touches his shoulder.
"Thane," she says, "Have a minute to talk?"
"Shepard," he turns around. "I'm sorry, I was-''
"- some place else," she says, smiling. He blinks,
"Yes," he says, and wants to ask how she knew. But she's still talking, walking over to the window to look out at the engine core.
"Everyone's nervous about making the jump," she says, "It's perfectly normal."
She's worried, he thinks to himself, looking at her back.
"This is something no one has ever come back from," she continues. "We may never come back."
That's what I hope, he thinks. But then he realises that, unlike him, she has something to live for. He's heard the rumours about her and Garrus, and he's seen the way she looks at him. He remembers what that feels like. All too vividly.
"I do not fear death," he says, and she turns around to face him. She's silent for a moment, then leans forward and grips the back of the chair.
"I do," she says quietly. "But I fear failure even more."
Thane is silent. Blinks. One set of eyelids, then the other. She turns away, her hands behind her back.
"If we fail," she says to the window, "It's more than our own lives. It's the lives of every sentient being in this galaxy. It's the Citadel, Noveria, Palaven. Captain Anderson, Executor Pallin, Captain Bailey. It's goddamned everyone in this galaxy, and it's all on our shoulders."
Thane does not know what to say. He doesn't have the same concerns weighing on his soul. Should he die in the course of their mission, it would be a good death, and well deserved. Should he fail, he gave his body to the attempt and could do no more. He doesn't know how to comfort her.
The universe is a dark place, he wants to tell her. We may not be strong enough. But she doesn't understand the limits of the body. She thinks her soul alone should be strong enough.
Her hands clench and unclench where they're held behind her back.
"Everything has its time," he says. And mine is long overdue. "Perhaps this is ours."
"I refuse to accept that," she says, turning sharply around. Her hair momentarily obscures her eyes. "If I believed that, I would have nothing to fight for. The Collectors must be stopped. We must stop the Collectors. That is our mission."
Thane bows his head. Her reasons are different to his. He seeks peace, she seeks victory.
She stares at him for a long moment. He doesn't look up. Footsteps stalk past him, the door hisses as it opens.
He remembers how she feels - but it is a memory, nothing more.
Samara: Regret
Samara sits cross-legged in the observation lounge. The others would think she is meditating, but she is looking at the stars as they streak past with the electric blue of the mass effect field framing them. It is beautiful. And terrifying.
The door behind her slides open with a quiet hiss.
"Shepard," she says, without turning her head. "I thought you would come."
The Commander walks over and sits down on the deck beside her. For a long moment, they are silent, watching the spectacle of space, then Samara turns to Shepard, searches her with dark eyes.
"You look troubled," she says. Shepard says nothing for a long moment, then, all of a sudden, she speaks as though she hasn't heard.
"It's up to us, isn't it?"
"Shepard?" Samara says, a frown creasing her brow.
Shepard shakes herself, turns to Samara. The skin around her eyes is tight with tension.
"Do you have any regrets?" she asks.
Samara lets out a soft sigh. The question is not unexpected, but it takes her a moment to collect her thoughts.
"Too many to name," she says after a pause. "I have given my life to the pursuit of justice. Many things have suffered."
"Would you do it differently, if you could do it all again?"
Samara thinks on that.
"If I knew what I know now," she says slowly, "I cannot say for sure that I would live my life the same way."
"Do you ever ask yourself if it was worth it?"
Samara's jaw tightens, thinking of Morinth, and a thousand what ifs that are far too late. Yes, she wants to say. I ask myself every day if justice was worth the price I paid. But she has the Code, and the Code demands commitment. Besides, of what use would it be to Shepard to know that even a Justicar has doubts?
The barest pause.
"No," she lies.
Then they are silent.
Miranda: Duty
"Shepard," Miranda says, walking out of the lift.
The Commander is stalking towards her, looking distinctly like she does not want to be bothered, but stops at the sound of her name.
"What is it?" Her tone is curt. Leave me alone. But Miranda is her XO, and she demands her time.
"I've been going through the final plans," Miranda says. She takes the pen from behind her ear, taps it against the clipboard she's holding. "With the upgrades we've made, I think we've just got a chance of making it through this alive." The lift doors shut
Shepard just nods, pushes past, and presses the call button. The doors don't open immediately, so Miranda waits, wanting more of a response. Shepard is tapping her foot against the deck of the ship.
"I can show you the scenarios I've drawn up if you-''
"Why are you here?" the Commander cuts in.
Miranda frowns. "What do you mean, Shepard? I'm showing you the plans."
"No, why are you here, on this mission?"
"This is my job, Shepard."
"But you have something to live for. You have Oriana."
Miranda's frown deepens. Shepard is losing it. She puts the pen back behind her ear.
"Do you need to speak to Yeoman Chambers?"
"No, I need to speak to you. Why are you here?"
Miranda looks around, but the corridor is empty. There is no easy escape. She fidgets with the papers for a moment, then sighs, and lets the arm with the clipboard hang down by her side.
"I have something to live for," she agrees. "But I also have something to die for. That's why we're all here, Shepard. Because we have something we believe in. Something bigger than us. Bigger than our family. Something worth fighting for."
"I've already died once," mutters Shepard, or at least that's what Miranda thinks she says.
"You've made more sacrifices than the rest of us," she agrees. "Because there was something greater that you believed in. You're an inspiration to us. That's why the Illusive Man brought you back."
"So I could die again?" The elevator doors open, but the Commander doesn't move.
"So you could lead again. You have the vision. And we believe in your vision. Now," she says and looks toward the beckoning corridor, "If you'll excuse me Commander, I have some final calculations to run."
"Dismissed," Shepard says, her voice tired, and steps into the elevator.
Garrus: Hope
"Come," she says, expecting more of Miranda's briefings.
She is stepping out of the shower when Garrus enters. She blinks the water from her eyes, takes in the turian - wearing civilian clothes! - and the bottle of wine he is holding.
"Garrus?" she says.
"Hey," he says, looking awkward. "I brought wine. Best I could afford on a vigilante's salary."
Despite herself, she has to smile. He crosses the floor to the room controls, turns on her music, and stands awkwardly near the empty fishtank.
"I'd know what to do if you were turian," he says, "I'd be complimenting you on your waist or your fringe. So… uh, your hair looks.. good. And your waist is… very supportive."
Shepard smiles, shakes her head.
"What are you doing, Garrus?" she says, and she can't quite keep the laugh out of her voice.
"That's not offensive in human culture, is it? Crap. I knew I should have watched the vids…"
"What are you doing here, Garrus?" She leans over, turns the music off.
In the silence, Garrus suddenly seems very, very fragile. His shoulders slump, and he looks down as he speaks.
"It's just… these might be our last few hours, Shepard. And I couldn't let them go by without trying to say- If we survive, Shepard. If we make it through-''
His nerve seems to fail him, and Shepard is more confused than ever.
"What are you trying to say?" her tone is gentle.
"It's just… I've seen so many things go wrong, Shepard. My work at C-Sec, what happened with Sidonis…" He looks up at her, and his eyes are open, appealing. "I just want something to go right…"
"Garrus?" she says wonderingly. She steps forward, wondering if he's saying what she thinks - hopes? - he's saying. Her heart is pounding in her chest.
He looks down into her eyes.
"I've already lost you once," he says. "I couldn't let it happen again without telling you…''
"Garrus," she says, and impulsively reaches up to touch the scar that mars the side of his face.
"Shepard," his blue eyes are burning into hers, and she incongruously notices that his visor, for once, is missing. "I need to say- If we make it through-'' He makes a small noise in the back of his throat, a sound of frustration. "Shepard, I'm trying to say… I don't want to be without you again." He looks away.
She smiles, her heart leaping inside her chest. "Garrus, I feel the same." He turns blue eyes back to her. "God, I feel the same." And he lowers his forehead down to gently touch hers, his hand on her shoulder.
Or read it here on Fanfiction.net
Characters/Pairings: F!Shep, Thane, Samara, Miranda, F!Shep/Garrus.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2000
Summary: In the hours before the Omega 4 Relay, Shepard has doubts she can't quite express. She visits her companions to get their perspective, and finds an unexpected reason to go on.
Author's Note: This 4-part story was inspired by the me_challenge random word challenge (#27) 'Patience'.
In the Calm
Thane: Patience
The assassin sits at the table within his quarters. Lost in memories, he doesn't hear when Shepard enters the room, crosses over to him. He only realises she is there when her hand touches his shoulder.
"Thane," she says, "Have a minute to talk?"
"Shepard," he turns around. "I'm sorry, I was-''
"- some place else," she says, smiling. He blinks,
"Yes," he says, and wants to ask how she knew. But she's still talking, walking over to the window to look out at the engine core.
"Everyone's nervous about making the jump," she says, "It's perfectly normal."
She's worried, he thinks to himself, looking at her back.
"This is something no one has ever come back from," she continues. "We may never come back."
That's what I hope, he thinks. But then he realises that, unlike him, she has something to live for. He's heard the rumours about her and Garrus, and he's seen the way she looks at him. He remembers what that feels like. All too vividly.
"I do not fear death," he says, and she turns around to face him. She's silent for a moment, then leans forward and grips the back of the chair.
"I do," she says quietly. "But I fear failure even more."
Thane is silent. Blinks. One set of eyelids, then the other. She turns away, her hands behind her back.
"If we fail," she says to the window, "It's more than our own lives. It's the lives of every sentient being in this galaxy. It's the Citadel, Noveria, Palaven. Captain Anderson, Executor Pallin, Captain Bailey. It's goddamned everyone in this galaxy, and it's all on our shoulders."
Thane does not know what to say. He doesn't have the same concerns weighing on his soul. Should he die in the course of their mission, it would be a good death, and well deserved. Should he fail, he gave his body to the attempt and could do no more. He doesn't know how to comfort her.
The universe is a dark place, he wants to tell her. We may not be strong enough. But she doesn't understand the limits of the body. She thinks her soul alone should be strong enough.
Her hands clench and unclench where they're held behind her back.
"Everything has its time," he says. And mine is long overdue. "Perhaps this is ours."
"I refuse to accept that," she says, turning sharply around. Her hair momentarily obscures her eyes. "If I believed that, I would have nothing to fight for. The Collectors must be stopped. We must stop the Collectors. That is our mission."
Thane bows his head. Her reasons are different to his. He seeks peace, she seeks victory.
She stares at him for a long moment. He doesn't look up. Footsteps stalk past him, the door hisses as it opens.
He remembers how she feels - but it is a memory, nothing more.
Samara: Regret
Samara sits cross-legged in the observation lounge. The others would think she is meditating, but she is looking at the stars as they streak past with the electric blue of the mass effect field framing them. It is beautiful. And terrifying.
The door behind her slides open with a quiet hiss.
"Shepard," she says, without turning her head. "I thought you would come."
The Commander walks over and sits down on the deck beside her. For a long moment, they are silent, watching the spectacle of space, then Samara turns to Shepard, searches her with dark eyes.
"You look troubled," she says. Shepard says nothing for a long moment, then, all of a sudden, she speaks as though she hasn't heard.
"It's up to us, isn't it?"
"Shepard?" Samara says, a frown creasing her brow.
Shepard shakes herself, turns to Samara. The skin around her eyes is tight with tension.
"Do you have any regrets?" she asks.
Samara lets out a soft sigh. The question is not unexpected, but it takes her a moment to collect her thoughts.
"Too many to name," she says after a pause. "I have given my life to the pursuit of justice. Many things have suffered."
"Would you do it differently, if you could do it all again?"
Samara thinks on that.
"If I knew what I know now," she says slowly, "I cannot say for sure that I would live my life the same way."
"Do you ever ask yourself if it was worth it?"
Samara's jaw tightens, thinking of Morinth, and a thousand what ifs that are far too late. Yes, she wants to say. I ask myself every day if justice was worth the price I paid. But she has the Code, and the Code demands commitment. Besides, of what use would it be to Shepard to know that even a Justicar has doubts?
The barest pause.
"No," she lies.
Then they are silent.
Miranda: Duty
"Shepard," Miranda says, walking out of the lift.
The Commander is stalking towards her, looking distinctly like she does not want to be bothered, but stops at the sound of her name.
"What is it?" Her tone is curt. Leave me alone. But Miranda is her XO, and she demands her time.
"I've been going through the final plans," Miranda says. She takes the pen from behind her ear, taps it against the clipboard she's holding. "With the upgrades we've made, I think we've just got a chance of making it through this alive." The lift doors shut
Shepard just nods, pushes past, and presses the call button. The doors don't open immediately, so Miranda waits, wanting more of a response. Shepard is tapping her foot against the deck of the ship.
"I can show you the scenarios I've drawn up if you-''
"Why are you here?" the Commander cuts in.
Miranda frowns. "What do you mean, Shepard? I'm showing you the plans."
"No, why are you here, on this mission?"
"This is my job, Shepard."
"But you have something to live for. You have Oriana."
Miranda's frown deepens. Shepard is losing it. She puts the pen back behind her ear.
"Do you need to speak to Yeoman Chambers?"
"No, I need to speak to you. Why are you here?"
Miranda looks around, but the corridor is empty. There is no easy escape. She fidgets with the papers for a moment, then sighs, and lets the arm with the clipboard hang down by her side.
"I have something to live for," she agrees. "But I also have something to die for. That's why we're all here, Shepard. Because we have something we believe in. Something bigger than us. Bigger than our family. Something worth fighting for."
"I've already died once," mutters Shepard, or at least that's what Miranda thinks she says.
"You've made more sacrifices than the rest of us," she agrees. "Because there was something greater that you believed in. You're an inspiration to us. That's why the Illusive Man brought you back."
"So I could die again?" The elevator doors open, but the Commander doesn't move.
"So you could lead again. You have the vision. And we believe in your vision. Now," she says and looks toward the beckoning corridor, "If you'll excuse me Commander, I have some final calculations to run."
"Dismissed," Shepard says, her voice tired, and steps into the elevator.
Garrus: Hope
"Come," she says, expecting more of Miranda's briefings.
She is stepping out of the shower when Garrus enters. She blinks the water from her eyes, takes in the turian - wearing civilian clothes! - and the bottle of wine he is holding.
"Garrus?" she says.
"Hey," he says, looking awkward. "I brought wine. Best I could afford on a vigilante's salary."
Despite herself, she has to smile. He crosses the floor to the room controls, turns on her music, and stands awkwardly near the empty fishtank.
"I'd know what to do if you were turian," he says, "I'd be complimenting you on your waist or your fringe. So… uh, your hair looks.. good. And your waist is… very supportive."
Shepard smiles, shakes her head.
"What are you doing, Garrus?" she says, and she can't quite keep the laugh out of her voice.
"That's not offensive in human culture, is it? Crap. I knew I should have watched the vids…"
"What are you doing here, Garrus?" She leans over, turns the music off.
In the silence, Garrus suddenly seems very, very fragile. His shoulders slump, and he looks down as he speaks.
"It's just… these might be our last few hours, Shepard. And I couldn't let them go by without trying to say- If we survive, Shepard. If we make it through-''
His nerve seems to fail him, and Shepard is more confused than ever.
"What are you trying to say?" her tone is gentle.
"It's just… I've seen so many things go wrong, Shepard. My work at C-Sec, what happened with Sidonis…" He looks up at her, and his eyes are open, appealing. "I just want something to go right…"
"Garrus?" she says wonderingly. She steps forward, wondering if he's saying what she thinks - hopes? - he's saying. Her heart is pounding in her chest.
He looks down into her eyes.
"I've already lost you once," he says. "I couldn't let it happen again without telling you…''
"Garrus," she says, and impulsively reaches up to touch the scar that mars the side of his face.
"Shepard," his blue eyes are burning into hers, and she incongruously notices that his visor, for once, is missing. "I need to say- If we make it through-'' He makes a small noise in the back of his throat, a sound of frustration. "Shepard, I'm trying to say… I don't want to be without you again." He looks away.
She smiles, her heart leaping inside her chest. "Garrus, I feel the same." He turns blue eyes back to her. "God, I feel the same." And he lowers his forehead down to gently touch hers, his hand on her shoulder.
Or read it here on Fanfiction.net