(no subject)

[mirrymir]

fuck holidays

fuck everything

if being prideful or selfish or whatever other fucking words there are is the only way i'll get anything accomplished, then fine.
let me be the most selfish, rude, cynical, useless, piece of shit ever.
because obviously my family doesn't know function properly and anytime we just to fix things it's as effective as pouring gasoline on a fire.

i hate who i am when i get this angry
i hate who my mother can be when she's so out of control
i hate the disease tearing apart my family that my father has
i hate that everyone is telling me i'm doing so well and how good i seem to be doing

the reality is im not
im scared, tired, and full of another type of anger but this one has no scape-goat or any specific object to blame. just myself, my family, and the gods.

im sorry.

please sign the dnr dad.
please just stop talking for five minutes and actually listen mother.
please stop feeding me lies brothers, i know i fuck up all the time, but why do you lie when it matters and strip the truth until only the ugly reality exist.

how am i going to be able to cope
if i move back to manassas.
how am i going to cope
when my father finally passes away.
how am i
how am i

how could i
why can't i
if only
if only

the woodpecker sighs.