I hate what goes on in my mind.....
Right now I have the urge...I just want to dig into my skin with anything right now; see the blood and see the lines. I see my weight looking back up at me in numbers thru the scale and I am happy at what I see; below 115. I love perfection, I love my counting!
I snap a hair tie against my wrist in hopes that it will relieve me in ways that cutting did. I see my weight and I am scared, I am below 115; I eat and don't excercise but my weight keeps dropping. I hate spending the extra time in making everything perfect, in counting all fucking day!
I hate how these two sides of my mind coincide. I think the negatives first in an aspect; cutting, losing weight, comfort of my OCD. Then the positives in an aspect come into play; don't cut, gain weight, I hate my OCD! It's an ongoing battle and I just want it to stop.
I see myself and realize I am fucked up. I am a cutter, I am ana, and I have OCD. I mean what the fuck?!?! Why did this happen to me, where did this all begin? I hate myself sometimes for being these things, but then sometimes its a comfort to have my OCD-everything perfect and odd numbers and cutting myself to let out what I feel within. Right there...no 'normal' person would feel comfortablt with OCD or with cutting themselves. There are moments I hate having my OCD; counting all day, I just want to break down crying.
People think I am an alcoholic...I hate that. I hate people thinking I am drinking because I have no control and that it's my life. I grew up in a house where after work, one to three drinks was normal. So if my parents don't see it as a problem and I don't either...then back off! It pisses me off, upsets me, and makes me feel awkward. I hate feeling those, specially around those that I love being around and that I see as my friends.
:::sigh:::
Sometimes I hate myself so much for who I have turned into. I fear that counseling won't help me and the meds won't take effect...but I want so bad to get better. Where everything is under control more than it is now, which is not under control at all.
I snap a hair tie against my wrist in hopes that it will relieve me in ways that cutting did. I see my weight and I am scared, I am below 115; I eat and don't excercise but my weight keeps dropping. I hate spending the extra time in making everything perfect, in counting all fucking day!
I hate how these two sides of my mind coincide. I think the negatives first in an aspect; cutting, losing weight, comfort of my OCD. Then the positives in an aspect come into play; don't cut, gain weight, I hate my OCD! It's an ongoing battle and I just want it to stop.
I see myself and realize I am fucked up. I am a cutter, I am ana, and I have OCD. I mean what the fuck?!?! Why did this happen to me, where did this all begin? I hate myself sometimes for being these things, but then sometimes its a comfort to have my OCD-everything perfect and odd numbers and cutting myself to let out what I feel within. Right there...no 'normal' person would feel comfortablt with OCD or with cutting themselves. There are moments I hate having my OCD; counting all day, I just want to break down crying.
People think I am an alcoholic...I hate that. I hate people thinking I am drinking because I have no control and that it's my life. I grew up in a house where after work, one to three drinks was normal. So if my parents don't see it as a problem and I don't either...then back off! It pisses me off, upsets me, and makes me feel awkward. I hate feeling those, specially around those that I love being around and that I see as my friends.
:::sigh:::
Sometimes I hate myself so much for who I have turned into. I fear that counseling won't help me and the meds won't take effect...but I want so bad to get better. Where everything is under control more than it is now, which is not under control at all.