29x the pain

Dec 07, 2009 01:27


I don't know what the impression that people get off me not working at the moment is. I fear it's "DOSSER, she gets to sit at home watching the iplayer while I have to fucking work the BITCH". And I keep hearing "what if you lose your job?" and that would - will? - be awful. But well scarier is the possibility that I won't work again. Or not for a while.

Here's a list of things that are happening.

-still constant dizziness when I move, or sometimes don't move. Haven't fallen yet, but close calls becoming more common. When I go out, I am constantly off balance.

-utter exhausation. I can't explain this. I'm just tired to my bones. Would happily sleep all day, yet hate sleeping as it brings no refreshment. And waking up is an utter torture - right after waking up is the worst part of the day. Going out, again, is a nightmare because I run out of energy so fast.

-confusion. This is not too bad when I'm in the house and not doing anything else. When I'm up and talking to, say, a doctor, I struggle to find words and frequently forget what it was I was saying. I forget what I'm doing a lot, too.

-pain. Wasn't too bad, is coming back now. Shoulders and neck especially bad, but hips hurt a lot too. Hands starting to hurt now as well.

Add to this the hell of antidepressant withdrawal which exacerbates (especially) the dizziness. The doctor says I need off them before I see a neuro because the neuro will point at the drugs. And maybe the dizziness will magically clear up! Except I was dizzy well before I was on duloxetine so you know.

Not to put too fine a point on it: I AM FUCKING TERRIFIED. I can't go out without feeling like I will collapse, things hurt for no reason, I'm not sharp at all, I cannot go to work like this. I have no idea what's wrong or how to help myself.

Tell you what though- I recommend getting sick. You sure as shit find out who cares and who doesn't. There will be people who you thought cared about you who don't say a word. And there are people who come through for you and support you.

All the same, I'm scared and I'm lonely. More scared. And nobody knows what's wrong.

Yeah. Lazy dosser.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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