I don't know what the impression that people get off me not working at the moment is. I fear it's "DOSSER, she gets to sit at home watching the iplayer while I have to fucking work the BITCH". And I keep hearing "what if you lose your job?" and that would - will? - be awful. But well scarier is the possibility that I won't work again. Or not for a while.
Here's a list of things that are happening.
-still constant dizziness when I move, or sometimes don't move. Haven't fallen yet, but close calls becoming more common. When I go out, I am constantly off balance.
-utter exhausation. I can't explain this. I'm just tired to my bones. Would happily sleep all day, yet hate sleeping as it brings no refreshment. And waking up is an utter torture - right after waking up is the worst part of the day. Going out, again, is a nightmare because I run out of energy so fast.
-confusion. This is not too bad when I'm in the house and not doing anything else. When I'm up and talking to, say, a doctor, I struggle to find words and frequently forget what it was I was saying. I forget what I'm doing a lot, too.
-pain. Wasn't too bad, is coming back now. Shoulders and neck especially bad, but hips hurt a lot too. Hands starting to hurt now as well.
Add to this the hell of antidepressant withdrawal which exacerbates (especially) the dizziness. The doctor says I need off them before I see a neuro because the neuro will point at the drugs. And maybe the dizziness will magically clear up! Except I was dizzy well before I was on duloxetine so you know.
Not to put too fine a point on it: I AM FUCKING TERRIFIED. I can't go out without feeling like I will collapse, things hurt for no reason, I'm not sharp at all, I cannot go to work like this. I have no idea what's wrong or how to help myself.
Tell you what though- I recommend getting sick. You sure as shit find out who cares and who doesn't. There will be people who you thought cared about you who don't say a word. And there are people who come through for you and support you.
All the same, I'm scared and I'm lonely. More scared. And nobody knows what's wrong.
Yeah. Lazy dosser.
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