New chapter in Arkana's life, part whatever
Hey everyone. It's been... very long since I last wrote something, again... I've been busy as hell, with school and friends, and for once, for once in my freaking life I get to be home alone for a while!
Yes... my mother's in the hospital, but she's just getting checked out. Maybe they'll operate on her. I can't have news yet. She talked to me yesterday, she was doing well and waiting for test results.
As for me, yes, for those wondering, I should be at school - but the class got cancelled. I had a biology exam scheduled at this very hour, but the teacher was sick! So that means, a whole weekend and a day more to study for bio. Which I'm glad for, since it's a heavy subject. Right now? I'm doing some chemistry, trying to grasp the concept of Lewis' Diagram. I briefly went over the chemical links between atoms in high school, but now there's more to this subject. It's not too hard. I just have to practice...
Aah... I feel so helpless sometimes. The people I love are living hell and there's nothing I can do to help them... well, one in particular.
Max, I'm doing my best to make you happy. I hope it works, I do love you! If I could do more to help you, I would... unfortunately I'm not a God... nor an angel... just a human. Powerless human.
But still - I feel I've accomplished the impossible already. Saving a life and making it better - little by little - there's nothing that feels greater in the world.
Well... except discovering that one particle in space that dark matter is made of. I'd be quite proud.
Still. This is for later. I'm going back to chemistry and singing songs. I've missed karaoke. Aaah.
---
No wait... I'm not done. I just thought of something. In French class, I recently finished a book by Alfred de Musset. The story was of a young man, 19 years of age, who had a mistress, his very first - and she cheated on him. But he learned that in this world, women cheating are a very common thing, and he had to learn that to be loved for a night, right now, is better than to expect a full commitment. Basically - he was taught to live like a "player", but in the 19th century way, since this is an old book. He did so for one year. And then, his father died, so he went to live in his home far away. That's where he met a woman he fell in love with once more, when he thought he'd never love again.
They lived together for 6 months, but their relationship was extremely hard, and the poor woman had to go through her lover's mood swings and jealousy attacks all this time.
Eventually the man learned he wasn't able to love properly due to his past experience. He realized... being cheated on, having been played for a fool, he'd never love a woman without expecting a betrayal, without thinking she had a thousand secrets and is just waiting to sleep with another man...
And for this reason, he left her, he left her with an honest, poor man who truly loved her.
And he was once again alone, and unhappy - but glad he didn't end up killing his mistress, as he was about to do, slowly, through the knife of doubt and jealousy.
Why am I telling you this? Because I'm afraid of being like him. I've had terrible experiences with boyfriends in the past. And now it's going well... but I still have this shadow of doubt in my mind, I still have this voice that tells me it's all an illusion, that nobody will ever truly stay with me.
And I don't want to believe it... I don't want to end up like him. I know I can trust myself... how, though, can I trust others? What if I'm not good enough?
....
All that because of a book. I should go back to chemistry, and I should also put a shirt on.
Yes... my mother's in the hospital, but she's just getting checked out. Maybe they'll operate on her. I can't have news yet. She talked to me yesterday, she was doing well and waiting for test results.
As for me, yes, for those wondering, I should be at school - but the class got cancelled. I had a biology exam scheduled at this very hour, but the teacher was sick! So that means, a whole weekend and a day more to study for bio. Which I'm glad for, since it's a heavy subject. Right now? I'm doing some chemistry, trying to grasp the concept of Lewis' Diagram. I briefly went over the chemical links between atoms in high school, but now there's more to this subject. It's not too hard. I just have to practice...
Aah... I feel so helpless sometimes. The people I love are living hell and there's nothing I can do to help them... well, one in particular.
Max, I'm doing my best to make you happy. I hope it works, I do love you! If I could do more to help you, I would... unfortunately I'm not a God... nor an angel... just a human. Powerless human.
But still - I feel I've accomplished the impossible already. Saving a life and making it better - little by little - there's nothing that feels greater in the world.
Well... except discovering that one particle in space that dark matter is made of. I'd be quite proud.
Still. This is for later. I'm going back to chemistry and singing songs. I've missed karaoke. Aaah.
---
No wait... I'm not done. I just thought of something. In French class, I recently finished a book by Alfred de Musset. The story was of a young man, 19 years of age, who had a mistress, his very first - and she cheated on him. But he learned that in this world, women cheating are a very common thing, and he had to learn that to be loved for a night, right now, is better than to expect a full commitment. Basically - he was taught to live like a "player", but in the 19th century way, since this is an old book. He did so for one year. And then, his father died, so he went to live in his home far away. That's where he met a woman he fell in love with once more, when he thought he'd never love again.
They lived together for 6 months, but their relationship was extremely hard, and the poor woman had to go through her lover's mood swings and jealousy attacks all this time.
Eventually the man learned he wasn't able to love properly due to his past experience. He realized... being cheated on, having been played for a fool, he'd never love a woman without expecting a betrayal, without thinking she had a thousand secrets and is just waiting to sleep with another man...
And for this reason, he left her, he left her with an honest, poor man who truly loved her.
And he was once again alone, and unhappy - but glad he didn't end up killing his mistress, as he was about to do, slowly, through the knife of doubt and jealousy.
Why am I telling you this? Because I'm afraid of being like him. I've had terrible experiences with boyfriends in the past. And now it's going well... but I still have this shadow of doubt in my mind, I still have this voice that tells me it's all an illusion, that nobody will ever truly stay with me.
And I don't want to believe it... I don't want to end up like him. I know I can trust myself... how, though, can I trust others? What if I'm not good enough?
....
All that because of a book. I should go back to chemistry, and I should also put a shirt on.