(no subject)
Chris...
It's all an act...
If you knew me really well, you'd understand.
I have pride Chris... I can't let my friends see me weak...but just to make you happy, I'll tell you this...and let the whole world know.
I wrote a private entry post about how much I missed you and how much I'm hurting. Don't be angry, because this is how I am. I cope with pain in strange ways, as you should also know. I cut, I scream, I cry, I blast obscene heavy metal...I make an ass out of you to all my friends. You can't be angry at me, just like how I can't be angry at you.
But I'm sorry, you crossed the line. You can't bash me and bring me down for releasing my pain in a certain way. I can't tell you how many tears I've shed this past week, but this is a break up...
I knew about you and Lucy all along. I'm not stupid, as you think...I had a really strong feeling about it, but never brought it up in fear of me being labled as a "psycho bitch girlfriend."
And btw, you didn't save my life all that much. Half of it was my overdramatic side trying to get you to pity me. Call me a bitch, but I was 12 years old and not very wise at the time. I'm sorry for that. But you did make me a happier person. But don't you dare use that to your advantage, like an asshole. Trust me, you're not an angel nor a saint to me.
I don't blame you for being angry at my rants and posts about our private life, but you must understand, when I'm hurting, I do very unwise and unrational things. You should understand this better than anyone else. Don't blame me because I fucked up, because you did so much more to hurt me.
And also...this is MY live journal...what gives you the right to be posting on here? And what gives you the right to say that without you I would be dead? Honey, I didnt take this relationship seriously until last year. The first two years, you were my "guy on the side" just as I was your "girl on the side". It wasnt until the start of this year that I truly thought we had something. Was I a bitch? Yes. But I have accepted it, worked on it, and forgave myself. It's time you should too.
Don't make this nasty...I don't want it to go this way.
Look...we BOTH fucked up...you fucked me over, I fucked you over. You lied to me, I lied to you. Now we need to move on. As I said before, I also still want you as a friend.
Don't ignore my calls from now on...because I'm really to take that stick out of my ass and be rational...and understand you. You just need to understand me.
I can't tell you how much I need to say. You were the first person I loved...I probably still love you, I just have too much pride to accept it. I want you to still be in my life, and I want to still be in your life. Call me crazy, but I also think I'd be happier as your friend rather than your girlfriend. Because no matter what...that's what we were. We were NEVER boyfriend and girlfriend...that was just a title. Oh my god Chris..we're so young, how can we toy around with the word "love"? How we be so niave and jump into this? Now I know why all parents don't let their kids date until they're older...maturity and strength. We were two young kids...confused by the meaning of love and true defintion of a relationship. We need to accept that and start over.
I guess the overall theme of our break up is acceptance and forgiveness. I'm willing to forgive...are you?
I know that when you read this, you wont comment...but please do something...comment, call...e-mail me. We need to settle this in an adult and mature way...not through live journals (my mistake) and hateful comments...
I put this on public viewing so all my friends can know the truth. I fucked up guys, but we all do. We're young and we do things we regret...isn't that right?
Well, I'm done now.
BTW Chris...if you want to read that private entry...It's not angry at all, it's actually kissing your ass, something you would like. Just ask me. As of right now, I have no anger, no hate and no grudge towards you. I have understanding and forgiveness...
It's all up to you now...
It's all an act...
If you knew me really well, you'd understand.
I have pride Chris... I can't let my friends see me weak...but just to make you happy, I'll tell you this...and let the whole world know.
I wrote a private entry post about how much I missed you and how much I'm hurting. Don't be angry, because this is how I am. I cope with pain in strange ways, as you should also know. I cut, I scream, I cry, I blast obscene heavy metal...I make an ass out of you to all my friends. You can't be angry at me, just like how I can't be angry at you.
But I'm sorry, you crossed the line. You can't bash me and bring me down for releasing my pain in a certain way. I can't tell you how many tears I've shed this past week, but this is a break up...
I knew about you and Lucy all along. I'm not stupid, as you think...I had a really strong feeling about it, but never brought it up in fear of me being labled as a "psycho bitch girlfriend."
And btw, you didn't save my life all that much. Half of it was my overdramatic side trying to get you to pity me. Call me a bitch, but I was 12 years old and not very wise at the time. I'm sorry for that. But you did make me a happier person. But don't you dare use that to your advantage, like an asshole. Trust me, you're not an angel nor a saint to me.
I don't blame you for being angry at my rants and posts about our private life, but you must understand, when I'm hurting, I do very unwise and unrational things. You should understand this better than anyone else. Don't blame me because I fucked up, because you did so much more to hurt me.
And also...this is MY live journal...what gives you the right to be posting on here? And what gives you the right to say that without you I would be dead? Honey, I didnt take this relationship seriously until last year. The first two years, you were my "guy on the side" just as I was your "girl on the side". It wasnt until the start of this year that I truly thought we had something. Was I a bitch? Yes. But I have accepted it, worked on it, and forgave myself. It's time you should too.
Don't make this nasty...I don't want it to go this way.
Look...we BOTH fucked up...you fucked me over, I fucked you over. You lied to me, I lied to you. Now we need to move on. As I said before, I also still want you as a friend.
Don't ignore my calls from now on...because I'm really to take that stick out of my ass and be rational...and understand you. You just need to understand me.
I can't tell you how much I need to say. You were the first person I loved...I probably still love you, I just have too much pride to accept it. I want you to still be in my life, and I want to still be in your life. Call me crazy, but I also think I'd be happier as your friend rather than your girlfriend. Because no matter what...that's what we were. We were NEVER boyfriend and girlfriend...that was just a title. Oh my god Chris..we're so young, how can we toy around with the word "love"? How we be so niave and jump into this? Now I know why all parents don't let their kids date until they're older...maturity and strength. We were two young kids...confused by the meaning of love and true defintion of a relationship. We need to accept that and start over.
I guess the overall theme of our break up is acceptance and forgiveness. I'm willing to forgive...are you?
I know that when you read this, you wont comment...but please do something...comment, call...e-mail me. We need to settle this in an adult and mature way...not through live journals (my mistake) and hateful comments...
I put this on public viewing so all my friends can know the truth. I fucked up guys, but we all do. We're young and we do things we regret...isn't that right?
Well, I'm done now.
BTW Chris...if you want to read that private entry...It's not angry at all, it's actually kissing your ass, something you would like. Just ask me. As of right now, I have no anger, no hate and no grudge towards you. I have understanding and forgiveness...
It's all up to you now...