Fic: For my love
OK! So a while back orlibloomburl2 wrote this request at fic_reguest. I did apparently not read the whole request because this is not JC/OFC but JC/AJ. But the inspiration was absolutely Brian´s "Grace of my life". This is my first story ever so I don´t know how good it is, but I hope you like it. Thanks to Heather for great Beta work. On with the story.
Title: For my Love
Paring: JC/AJ
Rating: Pretty fluffy
Disclaimer: I don´t own, don´t know and made everything up.
Warnings: This is slash just so you know
I lie awake so often at night
With something to read or something to write
In the silence my mind is free
To think of the ways that God has blessed me
A lonely desk lamp lights up the old desk placed in front of the window. Outside rain is pouring down making long patterns on the window. JC is sitting in his office-chair, an old antique that makes him feel like Cary Grant or another of the old-time movie stars.
His pen scratches across the paper. After days with writer’s block that had him pacing back and forth in his office, the words have finally started to flow. Normally JC uses the studio when he is writing, having the keyboard there and being able to let music and lyrics work together. Today is different. He´d been in bed wrapped around his lover after not having seen him for month, and suddenly the words started to bounce around in his head.
Now several hours later the song is almost finished. It is sweet and a bit sentimental, but that is ok, because that´s how he is feeling right now. Movement in the corner of his eye shifts his focus. A very sleep-tousled AJ is standing in the doorway clad in boxers and the blue blanket that usually lies on the reading chair in JC´s bedroom. JC´s grandma made him the blanket for his first house and AJ loves it.
“What time is it?”
JC looks at the clock on the desk. “Almost 3 am. What are you doing up? Jet-lagged?”
AJ shrugs a bit. “No, not really I think my mind knows I am back here and that means I am not supposed to be alone in bed.” A smile plays on AJ´s lips so JC doesn´t really take the words as a complaint.
“Are you writing?” AJ has known JC long enough to know that inspiration hits him at the oddest times. Once, when they had actually managed to go see a movie and not be recognized, JC had dug a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket and finished a verse, a bridge and the chorus to a song in the dark while AJ watched the movie for both of them.
“Yea, having you snore in my ear was evidentially what I needed to kick start the process.”
“I do not snore, thank you very much,” AJ says and scrunches up his nose. He has yet to move from the doorway and come any closer.
“OK, if you say so. But let me remind you who is actually awake while you are sleeping.”
JC starts to tidy up a bit on the desk, rising he turns the desk light off. The room is plunged in to darkness, but he can still see the shape of AJ in the doorway. Easily navigating his office even in the dark he stops in front of AJ and draws him in to his arms. The kiss they share is full of affection. This is not the time for heat and sex. This is comfort, welcome and above all home.
“Are you not tired,” JC asks as they break apart.
AJ places his forehead on JC´s shoulder, “Fucking exhausted, I am actually starting to think that I am too old for this.”
“Don’t let Howie hear you babe. He will bust your balls if you try to talk about being old. After all he is not approaching forty!” JC can feel AJ´s smile against his shoulder as JC talks about the speech they both have heard Howie make time and time again.
“Come on let´s get you back in to bed.”
“Mr. Chasez, what are your intentions,” AJ asks as he hugs JC a bit tighter to his chest.
JC tilts his head down so he can whisper in AJ´s ear. “Well first I am going to take you up the stairs with me and in to my bedroom. Once I have you in there I´m going to strip you of this blanket, maybe even remove your boxers. Then I am going to make sure you get in to my bed. With you lying there and looking at me I am going to remove my own clothes, and considering I am wearing boxers and a t-shirt that is not going to take long. Then I am going to crawl on top of you, settle down and fall asleep. And you mister are going to do the exact same thing. Go to sleep I mean.”
“Well aren´t you a tease. But with an offer like that who can resist,” AJ says and draws JC with him up the stairs. Once they are in bed they shift around some until AJ is the one on top.
“I do believe this is the wrong way,” AJ says and buries his nose in the corner of JC´s neck.
“Well it is close enough. Now shut up and go to sleep.”
The rumble of AJ´s laugh against his chest makes JC smile, but soon enough AJ´s breathing evens out and he is fast asleep. JC takes the opportunity to run his fingers thru the tiny hairs on the back of AJ´s head. He is still amazed at the way his life turned out. Just before sleep claims him JC sends up a prayer of thanks that things did turn out right in the end.
It´s easy to see
How He´s been so kind
Any proof I might need
Is right here by my side
The sun streaming across his face is what wakes JC up. He blinks a little but shuts his eyes quickly again to block out the worst of the sun. He can feel AJ´s breath against his neck, and smiles to himself. When they went to bed the first time last night he forgot to close the blinds, he was mostly thinking about getting AJ in to a bed. The exhaust had been eminent on his face. The Backstreet boys has just finished the first part of the tour for the ‘This is Us’ album. They have a month long break for Christmas and AJ came directly to JC from the airport.
Lying in bed with AJ at his side JC can´t think of anywhere else he’d rather be. He can feel AJ stir awake. “Babe, you are home, go back to sleep,” JC whispers to the man in his arms. And AJ does just that. It is always like this when he is coming off tour. The body and mind not used to getting long uninterrupted periods of sleep so he always wanders in and out of it. But JC only has to remind him that he is home and he drops back into the land of dreams.
JC lays still and just enjoys the moment until his cell phone vibrates against the bedside table. Quickly snatching it up as not to wake AJ again he sees that it’s Chris. Pushing the speak button he whispers “hold on” and carefully untangles himself from his lover and exits the bed. Hunting down a pair of sweatpants to pull on, he exits the bedroom and closes the door behind him.
“Hi, Chris!”
“Well good day mate. Were you chained to the bed?”
“As a matter of facts I was. A very attractive young man with a great ass had me pinned down.” JC answers with humor.
“I guess that means AJ is home and he was sleeping on top of you again.”
Walking down the stairs and entering the kitchen JC laughs. “Yeah that is what I meant. Anyway, what´s up with you? I thought you were here in LA.”
“I am.”
“And you are awake before noon,” JC sounds astonished. Lately all Chris’ friends know that he is old enough to be allowed to sleep as long as he damn well pleases, or so he claims.
“Well it is not of my own doing. Fucking Lance thought it was a good idea to call me at 9:30, I mean really who is expected to be up at that time…”
As Chris rambles on about the evilness that is Lance, JC busies himself by making coffee, only listening half heartedly at Chris.
“… and then he´s all ‘my friend Travis says that it is a good place’, what does he mean friend like I don’t know he is bonking him…“
With the coffee dripping, JC crosses the kitchen to open the patio door and let the air in. Even after spending so many years in both Florida and LA JC is still amazed that it is almost Christmas and it looks like it is going to be warm enough to lay out by the pool today.
“… like I don´t have anything better to do. Just because he is all Mr. Producer does not mean the rest of us is slacking off. Right!”
JC´s brain has to scramble a bit to catch up to what Chris was saying.
“Basically what you are saying is that Lance woke you up and then you figured out that you should do the same to me. Gee, I love you too.”
“Well cosmic payback baby.” Chris sounds a little smug. “Anyway, if AJ is home I guess you don´t have time for your old friends.”
“Hey, don´t make it sound like I ignore you when he is here, because that is not true.” JC feels a bit hurt that Chris implies that he ignores them to be with AJ.
“No, no, man. I am only joking. You are cool. So do you want to meet up for lunch? AJ can come to.”
JC looks at the clock on the microwave, 11:03.
“Considering that I haven´t had breakfast yet it is a bit early for lunch. Not all of us got an early wakeup call from fucking Lance,” JC says laughing at Chris growl.
“Yeah, fucking Lance. Anyway I haven´t seen you in while so I felt like hanging out. But if AJ is back you might actually have plans.”
“Na, AJ came in last night so he will pretty much spend the day in bed. You know how it is.”
“I absolutely do. I can truthfully say that´s one of the things I miss the least, the total exhaustion upon returning from tour. So you up for lunch then?”
JC thinks about it for a while. The lawn chair looks really good.
“I don´t really feel like going out and dealing with people. The weather is great. Why don´t you come over here and hang out by the pool, and I can make us something to eat when we feel like it.”
“What? You mean you actually have groceries in your fridge?” Chris sounds really surprised. JC can´t blame him. It is after all common knowledge that JC never remembers to shop for groceries.
“Yes I have food. AJ is home remember, which means I went to the store yesterday. AJ likes to cook for the two of us; he says it makes him feel domestic.”
“OK, OK, I get it. Well I´ll get myself over there.”
“Yea, just come on in when you get here. There are two lawn chairs with our names on them. See you in a bit.”
With a “Bye, Bye, Bye” Chris hangs up.
Putting his phone on the kitchen counter JC tiptoes up the stairs and in to the bedroom. AJ is buried under the blanket and only some hair, an ear and a shoulder is visible. JC walks over to the window and shuts the blinds to make the room a bit darker. He goes in to the closet and puts on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. A quick trip to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and JC is ready to face the day. On his way out he can´t help but detour by the bed to place a soft kiss on the bare shoulder. AJ´s skin is warm, almost feverish, but JC is pretty sure it is not due to anything other than exhaust and sleep.
Back downstairs he makes a quick trip to his office to pick up the song he worked on last night, before taking the cushions for the lawn chairs with him out to the patio. He is thankful that he actually remembered to take the cushions indoors before the rain last night. Stretched out in the sun he gets to work on fine-tuning the song.
You are the grace of my life
So tender so underserved
Hard to believe you´re my wife
Even harder to put what I feel into words
“Honey, I´m home!”
JC looks up behind him to see Chris standing in a pair of blue shorts and a black t-shirt that probably had some type of print once up on a time, but is now faded to the point no one can make out what it was. Chris throws his arms wide opened and a big smile is plastered on his face. Eyes hidden by dark glasses and the ugliest hat JC has ever seen on his head, and considering who is currently sleeping in JC´s bed he has seen a lot of hats. Putting the papers with the song down under his chair JC gets up and smiles at Chris.
“Hi man, it is so good to see you. It has been a while.”
JC gets caught up in one of Chris bear hugs.
“Are you skinnier? I do believe you are, and look at you all grown up and married to a Backstreet boy. I am so proud. I sure did a good job raising you,” Chris dries an imaginary tear.
“Shut up! First of all I am not getting skinnier, more the opposite and second you did not raise me, I came this way, and third it has not been that long since you saw me.”
They look each other over in a way they have since the lawsuit to make sure one extra time that the other is ok.
“It is really good to see you. What are you up to,” JC asks and turns back to his chair.
“Not much actually. I am out here to talk to some producers about another TV-series, but I am not so sure about it, makes me feel a bit like I am giving my career CPR.” Chris plops down on the other chair and stretches out.
JC stands looking at him for a second. It is strange to see Chris like this. Life really did treat them right and in a way they got everything they could dream of and more. Most people spend their whole lives building a career and here they are with perhaps the best time of their careers behind them.
“Are you going to sit down?” Chris lowers his glasses a bit to look at JC.
“Yea, of course, just lost in thoughts. You want something to drink?”
“I could go for something cold.”
JC moves in to the kitchen and gets a pitcher of ice tea from the fridge and some glasses. Putting some ice in to the tea he exits the house and closes the door behind him. Looking up he finds Chris reading the papers he left behind. He can feel irritation creeping up on him. Walking over to the chairs he puts the pitcher and glasses down before trying snatching his papers back but failing.
“I do believe you know to leave my music alone until I choose to share it with you.” Biting back the desire to yell JC instead keeps his voice low and precise. When it comes to his music JC hates when people read it before he is good and ready. And this song is so personal that he feels all cracked open by it, and seeing Chris read it without JC having a chance to prepare does not fare well with him.
“OK, before you start to yell at me the no touching rule only applies to your notebook and how was I to know what this was. Second the papers were about to blow in to the pool and I rescued them, and third WHAT THE FUCK C?” Chris voice gets louder with every word and he ends by shaking the papers in JC´s face.
Snatching his lyrics up JC puts them under one of the legs of the chair to stop them from another trip towards the pool. He then turns back to Chris trying to look like he has no idea what Chris means.
“What?”
“Don´t give me that. Those lyrics man, give me a break.”
“You didn´t like them,” JC´s shoulders sag a bit.
“Oh, I am sure the song will be beautiful man. But let me tell you, you did not do him any wrong. I know the two of you are getting past it and water under the bridge and all that, but yet again you did nothing wrong. He should be thanking God you forgave his ass and even considered letting him back in to your life. I like AJ, he is great and I am happy for you, that the two of you are practically married, but don´t you dare feel bad about anything. It is on him and him alone.”
JC is afraid smoke is going to start coming out of Chris ears, but that doesn´t stop him because Chris has no idea what he is talking about.
“What makes you think those lyrics are about me? They are just lyrics. I am a professional songwriter I can write about things that have absolutely nothing to do with me.”
“Oh please! Don´t patronize me. I know you Joshua and I have known you for a very long time. That song is how you feel and don´t lie to me about it.”
“If it is how I feel then that is up to me, I don´t see what it is to you and what it is that makes you this angry.”
Chris eyes soften and he takes JC´s hand.
“You are my brother, and knowing that you are feeling unworthy of the love you have kills me man.”
JC sits back down and folds in to himself, arms around his legs tucked to his chest, and his chin resting on his knees, looking at the pool rather than Chris.
“You know what,” JC says after a moment of silence “I did the one thing I never thought I would do to a friend or a lover, I walked away. My mum always told me growing up that true friends are the ones that stick around even when things are bad. When things in AJ´s life stared to spiral out of control not only did I not stick around I turned my back on him.” After a pause he continues. “When he had been in rehab for about two weeks he called me. Did you know that?”
Chris shakes his head.
“Of course you didn´t, I never told anyone. I heard his voice and I hung up the phone. What kind of a person does that to someone they claim to love?”
Chris is silent and JC looks at him from the corner of his eye. Finally when JC has started to shift uncomfortably Chris says; “Have you talked to AJ about this?”
Quickly turning his head to stare at Chris in astonishment JC opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
“I am going to take that as a no. Well I can clearly see that you don´t want to talk about it, but I am going to say one more thing and then drop it. As AJ probably would tell you if you talked to him, walking away was the only thing you could have done, the only thing. OK? And you really should talk to AJ about it. Carrying it inside is going to eat you alive.”
After that Chris changes the subject and starts to talk about the TV-show he was thinking about doing. Giving JC time to process what he has said.
If I need evidence, God is good
Just looking at you is enough
You are the grace of my life
For you grace my life with your love.
The conversation has turned over to picking apart a performance Justin made a couple of weeks earlier when the patio-door slid open. AJ wearing only a pair of white silk boxers with Santas on them steps out lighting a cigarette. His eyes are only halfway opened, and he doesn’t look to be all the way awake.
“Look the Mrs. is up and about,” Chris teases.
Smiling at JC, AJ turns to Chris. “Hey man, what’s up? You been here long?”
Chris fishes his cell out of one of his pocket and looks at the time.
“About an hour.” He puts the phone back in his pocket. “How is life treating you? I like the boxers by the way, very festive.”
AJ stubs his cigarette out in the little pot he has by the door for that purpose.
“It´s all good, tours great, the fans as crazy as ever and the gang only gets loonier by the day. And the boxers were an end of tour gift from Nick. It was the only clean one I could find. We need to do laundry today.”
Crossing the patio AJ leans down and kisses JC on the lips, then squeezes in to JC´s chair by wrapping himself around him. One of AJ´s hands finds its way in under JC´s t-shirt and stops when it´s resting on his belly.
“Are you hungry?” JC whispers and places a kiss on top of AJ´s head since he has buried his face in the crook of JC´s neck.
“Uh huh.”
“Did we wake you?”
AJ raises his head a bit. “No I needed to piss and when I was up I thought I would come see if you were home because the house was so quiet. I probably should try to stay awake now anyway.” A huge yawn interrupts him and he shakes it off before settling down against JC and closing his eyes. JC runs the fingers of one hand over the back of AJ´s head, the other is placed in an unconscious possessive gesture on AJ´s hip.
Looking over at Chris JC can see him studying them behind his glasses.
“You really are cute together.”
“Thanks. I guess?” JC isn´t sure if he should take it as a compliment or a dig. But then again he does feel cute when he is with AJ like this. He continues stroking AJ´s head and down his bare back. It just feels great to lie like this in his own house, by his pool, with this man in his arms, talking to one of his best friends that knows everything about him and loves him for it. It has not been easy to get here but now life is pretty damn perfect.
Chris sits up and throws his legs over the edge of the chair. Looking a bit closer at AJ he asks: “Is he asleep again?”
JC takes a quick look at AJ´s totally relaxed face and the slow even breathing.
“Uh huh,” he says and nods slowly.
“So how does he feel about being the wife in this relationship?”
“Will you stop it with the wife stuff. “
“Why? It´s your song; so you started it.”
“It´s not like that and you know it, it is only a way of expressing things.” JC does his best to keep his voice low as to not wake AJ. It´s bad enough Chris is on his back, he really doesn´t want to have this conversation with AJ as well.
“Well the sugary sweetness that is the two of you is a little bit too much for me this early in the day, so I am going to jet. After all I have revenge plans against Lance to make. Now that I know Backstreet is back on this side of the big blue maybe I can get Carter to help me. He always has a lot of great ideas.”
“But I thought you wanted to stay for lunch. I can make us some sandwiches.”
Let´s have a rain-check on that. You are a bit tide up at the moment. He really does enjoy sleeping on you, doesn’t he?”
“Yea, but it is not like he is heavy. Can´t say I´ll complain about it. Are you sure you don’t want to stay?”
“Yes, I´m sure. You take care of your boy today. I know you haven´t seen each other in a while with the tour and all. I didn´t think he was going to come in until tonight; otherwise I would have waited a couple of days to give you some time together.
“Chris…..”
“No let me say this. I am sorry I yelled. I love you man, but you went through so much; you both did, before AJ admitted to himself that there was a problem. The fact that you still feel guilty pisses me off.” Reaching over Chris takes JC´s hand. “I am so proud of the man that you are, and I know that you don’t see the awesomeness that is you, but please Jace you need to let this guilt go. Maybe writing this song is your way of dealing with it, and it is really a beautiful song.”
With that Chris gets up kisses JC on the forehead and leave.
Love that is pure so faithful and strong
You forgive me when I do you wrong
I´ve seen you, yeah, time after time
A picture on earth of love so divine
Thinking about everything Chris has said JC doesn´t really know how to react. He and AJ has known each other for a long time, meeting back in the days when JC was still on the Mickey Mouse Club and AJ was trying to break in to the entertainment industry.
Nothing happened between them until early 2000. Both of them were at the top of the world and things had just fit. What had started as a one night stand had quickly turned in to something much more. Being together had not been easy. They were constantly followed by paparazzos and keeping up the façade that they were straight and in a feud with each other had limited the time they could actually spend together. When AJ´s grandmother died and things started to spin out of control for him JC did everything he could think of to make things easier, but when people that weren’t JC started to show up in AJ´s bed and he never kept the dates they managed to make JC could not do it anymore. He turned his back and walked away.
For the longest time there was no contact at all between them. Then they had met up again by chance and started to talk. That talk had led to the possibility to work together and that opportunity had led to the two of them getting to know each other all over again.
They had never really talked about the things that happened before AJ went to rehab and the years following that. If JC was honest with himself it mostly was because of him. Laying here in the sun with AJ sleeping in his arms he can admit he is scared to talk about it. What if bringing it up makes AJ take a look back and see that the way JC treated him was not ok.
Feeling AJ stir against his side brings JC back to the present. Stroking a hand down the length of AJs back he gets rewarded with a slow kiss to his collarbone before AJ lifts his head to look at him.
“Sorry didn´t mean to fall asleep again.”
“Oh, I don´t complain. It´s not like it is a hardship to lay here in the sun with you.”
“Did Chris leave?” AJ asks looking around the yard.
“Yeas, he had revenge plans against Lance to plot.” The blank stare he gets from AJ makes JC laugh. “Don´t ask. The less you know the better. Plausible deniability.”
“That means we are actually alone now, aren’t we?” Before JC has the time to do anything more than nod his head ones AJ attaches his mouth to JC in a hard kiss that turns hot and heavy in no time. They are interrupted by first JC´s then AJ´s stomachs rumbling loudly.
“I think some food is required,” JC says and flips the two of them over so that he is the one on top. Before getting up he gives AJ on last kiss. “You stay here and I´ll go make us something to eat.”
Oh, I am amazed
For how can it be
That someone like you
Would love someone like me
JC walks in to the kitchen and takes out some bread, ham, mustard and everything else needed to make his favorite sandwiches. Humming to himself he looks out through the patio door at AJ, and his heart all but stops. Out there AJ is sitting reading the lyrics JC shoved under the leg of the chair. Abandoning the half made sandwiches he crosses the kitchen and shoves the door open.
“What is it with people and my songs today? Give it to me.” JC holds his hand out to AJ.
“No”
“What do you mean no. It is my lyrics. Give them to me!”
“No Josh I will not, but you are going to explain to me what you mean by them.”
JC stares at AJ. “Explain what I mean. Well it is pretty obvious to me. I love you and I thank God I have you in my life. What is it about it you don´t understand? Oh wait is it the wife bit? Well I don’t think the world is ready for gay love songs so sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.” JC leans over AJ trying to snatch the papers out of his hands but misses as AJ stands up.
“Oh don’t do that. I want you to explain why you feel like you don´t deserve the thing we have together. If there is someone in this relationship that should feel that they are undeserving it is me, but you know what? I have put it behind me. I fucked up, I lost you, I thought I would never ever get another chance and then I did everything in my power to win you back. We should have talked a lot more about what happened but I know how much you hate even thinking about it. But babe you have to tell me what it is that makes you feel like this.” AJ enfolds JC in his arms and sits both of them down.
JC don’t know what to say. Millions of different words run thru his head.
You are the grace of my life
So tender so undeserved
Hard to believe you´re my wife
Even harder to put what I feel into words
“Josh come on, talk to me.”
“I……” JC starts but stops again. Taking a deep breath he starts over. “When you were going through some of the worst times of your life all I did was walk away. I loved you but I did not stick by you and that is not ok. If you love someone you are not only there for them when they are fine and everything is great. You have to stick around even when things are bad, if you don’t do that what kind of person does that make you?”
“Well in our case it makes you a sane person. JC, I cheated on you often bluntly in front of you. I did pretty much every drug you can think of and I was not a nice person. You needed to protect yourself,” AJ says trying to catch JC´s eyes.
Rising up JC walks over to the edge of the pool. “How can you say that now? I have heard you in interviews taking about how many of your friends disappeared when you went into rehab and wasn´t there for you during what was a tough period of your life.”
“Oh my God JC are you serious? I was talking about friends, you know people you hang out with, not the person I treated like shit. There is a difference between friends and you who I claimed to love. I don´t have any hard feelings against you for walking away. I can´t believe you feel like you did something wrong!” AJ rises and walks up behind JC putting his hand on JC´s shoulder. Before he can say anything JC twirls around.
“If how I reacted was so normal and the only thing I could have done, how do you explain that Kevin, Brian, Howie and Nick all stayed? Huh?!” A lonely tear makes its way down JC´s cheek.
Catching one of JC´s hands that are flying everywhere as he is trying to get his point across AJ draws his lover in to his arms one more time. “Babe, my god, you need to stop this. What we have with our band mates is not like any other relationship. We love each other and we hate each other, we are brothers, partners and business associates, everything in one. We have been thru so many things together and the bond is different, it is not more than what you and I have but if you look in to yourself you know that your boys could do almost anything and you would still forgive them.”
If I need evidence, God is good
Just looking at you is enough
You are the grace of my life
For you grace my life with your love
“Do you know what the biggest difference is between what I did to you and what I did to them?” JC shakes his head at AJ´s question.
“I didn´t break their hearts. I am well aware that that is what I did to you.”
JC looks in to AJ´s eyes. “I love you. Yes you did break my heart, but not in the way you think. The fact that you felt like the only way you could cope with what was happening in your life was by numbing the feeling with alcohol and drugs that broke my heart. You were right before when you said that maybe we should have had this conversation a long time ago.”
“I love you to, I´ll do anything for you. I will always be thankful for the second chance that you have given me.” Standing there in each other’s arms they were once again interrupted by the rumbling of JC´s stomach.
Laughing AJ starts to drag JC towards the house. “Apparently I need to feed my man before he starves. Come on lets finish that lunch that you started.”
“Well, it is nothing fancy; I was only going to make some sandwiches.” Entering the kitchen together the two of them returns to JC´s half made lunch. Working together in comfortable silence JC looks over at AJ and thinks that he could not have asked for anything more.
Oh, you are the grace of my life
For you grace my life with my love
The end
Song lyrics “Grace of My Life” by Brian Littrell, Tony Wood and Mark Harris