If Roald Dahl got the Avenue Q treatment...
Oy! Hey, all, sorry I've been behind. Been a little behind in everything recently. Hopefully it'll all pull together more or less well in time. ^_^; Anyway, I owe you fine folks some Lucian! I've BEEN doing the translations (averaging around seven lines a night), I just haven't been POSTING them. Due to this, you're going to get a chapter chunk tonight, so to speak (Lucian doesn't work in per se chapters, but there are little breaks when we segue from one plot point to the next), which is not actually everything I've translated to date. Still, I'd rather give you a complete sequence now than leave you hanging in the middle of a sequence. Anyway, it's Day 29, and today you're getting up through Line 122: The Magical Island of Dionysus! You're all so excited, I can tell. XD Actually, from a purely technical standpoint, this goes past Line 122, but that's because we have an excision that I'm going to be including for you. See, my copy was originally intended for Victorian schoolboys, so some of the more interesting parts were edited out to keep their little minds pure. However, because I'm just THAT nice (and it makes a lot more sense), you're getting the UNCENSORED version (which isn't all THAT graphic, but still)! So! Away we go!
"Advancing as far as three stades* from the sea, through the woods we saw some pillars having been made of bronze, engraved with Greek letters, faint and worn away, saying "As far as this, Herakles and Dionysus came." And also there were two footprints nearby on the rock, one, on one hand, the size of a plethron** and the other, on the other hand, smaller, in my opinion: the smaller one was of Dionysus and the other of Herakles. Therefore, paying obeisance*** we were moving forward. Thus we went along not much farther and we stopped beside a river flowing with wine, for all the world most like our Chian**** wine. The stream was great and abundant, so that in some places it was navigable by ship. It entered our minds, therefore, to rather put our faith rather more in the inscriptions on the pillars, having seen the mark of Dionysus having been there. It seemed good to me to learn from whence the river began, and so were going up the river; although, on one hand, no one found the source itself, on the other hand, we found very many vines full of grape clusters; from the roots of each vine a radiant drop of wine flowed away, from which the river was born. There were also many fish to see in it, and most resembled wine in both color and taste. Therefore, having caught some of them and eating them we were becoming drunk; to be sure, having cut them open, we discovered them full of lees. Contriving too late, mixing with those other fish from out of the water, we tempered the excessiveness of the wine consumption*****. Then, crossing the river, where it was fordable, we found a monstrous thing of vines; for on one hand, the crown of the root from the ground up was fat and flourishing, but up above, on the other hand, women came forth from the loins up, being perfect in every way. They painted about that sort of thing with Apollo seizing just as Daphne was becoming a tree. Shoots came out of the ends of their fingers, and they were filled with grapes. And yet they even wore their hair long in both tendrils, leaves and bunches of grapes. Drawing nigh, we were welcomed and received kindly, and on one hand some women were speaking in Lydian, and on the other hand, some in Indian, but most were with a Greek voice. They even kissed us on the mouths; he who was kissed forthwith became drunk and staggering. We were not permitted to be gathering the fruits****** for they felt bodily pain and cried out with the fruit being torn off. Some of the women even desired to mingle with us; and some two of our companions who approached them thus could no longer get away, but they were bound by their shameful things*******; for they grew together and had taken root together. And out of their fingers grew shoots and being entwined with their tendrils, no longer able to escape, the men themselves were about to bear fruit. Leaving them behind, we fled back to the ship and told them who had stayed there everything in detail.
*A unit of Greek measure, a stade is a standard length approximately 600 Greek feet or 606 3/4 English feet, or roughly 1/8 of a Roman mile. Some texts will measure this a little bit shorter, coming out closer to 164 metres or 540 English feet. Either way, this is where we get our word "stadium."
**Another unit of measure, a plethron is somewhere between 1/6 and 1/5 the length of a stade, depending on who's doing the measuring. It averages between 101 and 108 English feet in length.
***This was common practice in the presence of shrines or other holy figures/places in the Classical world, usually marked by either a genuflection or a low-to-the-ground bow of respect. Alexander the Great actually was the center of controversy with this practice because the Persians he conquered would perform this to him, while the Greeks would not.
****The note to specifically mention Chian wine here is to denote its quality. This isn't some cheap bathtub mixture, but rather indicative that this wine is the Good Stuff. Chian wine crops up frequently in texts with reference to its fineness.
*****A funny joke, this is supposed to be. The actual text literally translates to the effect of "wine-eating," when normally the word for "wine-drinking" would be used--except that since the fish are MADE from wine, they're ingesting it in solid form.
******Those of you with your minds in the gutter? Yes, this means EXACTLY what you think it does.
*******A literal translation from the text here. More colloquially, "shameful things" can be translated as "genitalia."
Well! Wasn't that fun? This definitely has the marks of Dionysus ALL OVER IT. It is a bit weird to have a random Island of Dionysus in the middle of nowhere, but keep in mind that Dionysus, and Herakles (a.k.a. Hercules) were divine figures who would frequently wander about the mortal world, sort of paving the way for civilization with Herc driving out all the monsters (so people can safely move in) and Dionysus bringing in wine, the chosen drink of the Greeks (as opposed to the barbarians). Not only do they find a river of wine that comes from all these grape vines just leaking the stuff they're so saturated, but also FISH made of wine, and, to top it all off, beautiful naked women growing out of the grape vines! Kinda like merfolk, except they're plants rather than fish, and thusly sessile. So, unlike Daphne, who ran away from Apollo until in desperation she turned into a laurel tree, these fine ladies ain't going ANYWHERE and they won't become any more plantlike. Either way, plenty of opportunity for Lucian and his buddies to get Drunk Off Their Asses. ...truth be told, if you replaced the wine with chocolate and included some midgets singing ominous things to you, this seems AWFULLY similar to "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory," except for grown-ups, doesn't it? Isn't it great? XD Well, in any case, needless to say, drunkenness tends to lead to lapses in judgment as a couple of guys found out, because they got stuck and then turned INTO vine-people themselves when they try having sex with the wine women. Ha! Joke's on them! Of course, you can't blame Lucian and the other guys for hightailing it out of there. That's a hell of an "OMGWTFBBQ!" moment. XD The moral of this story? Drunken hookups are a Bad Idea.
And, gods help me, I am WAY too damn tempted to try and turn this into a graphic novel/comic type of format. XD Maybe after I've fully completed the text translation.
Next time, tune in for the Adventure to the Moon! You know you want to! ^_^
"Advancing as far as three stades* from the sea, through the woods we saw some pillars having been made of bronze, engraved with Greek letters, faint and worn away, saying "As far as this, Herakles and Dionysus came." And also there were two footprints nearby on the rock, one, on one hand, the size of a plethron** and the other, on the other hand, smaller, in my opinion: the smaller one was of Dionysus and the other of Herakles. Therefore, paying obeisance*** we were moving forward. Thus we went along not much farther and we stopped beside a river flowing with wine, for all the world most like our Chian**** wine. The stream was great and abundant, so that in some places it was navigable by ship. It entered our minds, therefore, to rather put our faith rather more in the inscriptions on the pillars, having seen the mark of Dionysus having been there. It seemed good to me to learn from whence the river began, and so were going up the river; although, on one hand, no one found the source itself, on the other hand, we found very many vines full of grape clusters; from the roots of each vine a radiant drop of wine flowed away, from which the river was born. There were also many fish to see in it, and most resembled wine in both color and taste. Therefore, having caught some of them and eating them we were becoming drunk; to be sure, having cut them open, we discovered them full of lees. Contriving too late, mixing with those other fish from out of the water, we tempered the excessiveness of the wine consumption*****. Then, crossing the river, where it was fordable, we found a monstrous thing of vines; for on one hand, the crown of the root from the ground up was fat and flourishing, but up above, on the other hand, women came forth from the loins up, being perfect in every way. They painted about that sort of thing with Apollo seizing just as Daphne was becoming a tree. Shoots came out of the ends of their fingers, and they were filled with grapes. And yet they even wore their hair long in both tendrils, leaves and bunches of grapes. Drawing nigh, we were welcomed and received kindly, and on one hand some women were speaking in Lydian, and on the other hand, some in Indian, but most were with a Greek voice. They even kissed us on the mouths; he who was kissed forthwith became drunk and staggering. We were not permitted to be gathering the fruits****** for they felt bodily pain and cried out with the fruit being torn off. Some of the women even desired to mingle with us; and some two of our companions who approached them thus could no longer get away, but they were bound by their shameful things*******; for they grew together and had taken root together. And out of their fingers grew shoots and being entwined with their tendrils, no longer able to escape, the men themselves were about to bear fruit. Leaving them behind, we fled back to the ship and told them who had stayed there everything in detail.
*A unit of Greek measure, a stade is a standard length approximately 600 Greek feet or 606 3/4 English feet, or roughly 1/8 of a Roman mile. Some texts will measure this a little bit shorter, coming out closer to 164 metres or 540 English feet. Either way, this is where we get our word "stadium."
**Another unit of measure, a plethron is somewhere between 1/6 and 1/5 the length of a stade, depending on who's doing the measuring. It averages between 101 and 108 English feet in length.
***This was common practice in the presence of shrines or other holy figures/places in the Classical world, usually marked by either a genuflection or a low-to-the-ground bow of respect. Alexander the Great actually was the center of controversy with this practice because the Persians he conquered would perform this to him, while the Greeks would not.
****The note to specifically mention Chian wine here is to denote its quality. This isn't some cheap bathtub mixture, but rather indicative that this wine is the Good Stuff. Chian wine crops up frequently in texts with reference to its fineness.
*****A funny joke, this is supposed to be. The actual text literally translates to the effect of "wine-eating," when normally the word for "wine-drinking" would be used--except that since the fish are MADE from wine, they're ingesting it in solid form.
******Those of you with your minds in the gutter? Yes, this means EXACTLY what you think it does.
*******A literal translation from the text here. More colloquially, "shameful things" can be translated as "genitalia."
Well! Wasn't that fun? This definitely has the marks of Dionysus ALL OVER IT. It is a bit weird to have a random Island of Dionysus in the middle of nowhere, but keep in mind that Dionysus, and Herakles (a.k.a. Hercules) were divine figures who would frequently wander about the mortal world, sort of paving the way for civilization with Herc driving out all the monsters (so people can safely move in) and Dionysus bringing in wine, the chosen drink of the Greeks (as opposed to the barbarians). Not only do they find a river of wine that comes from all these grape vines just leaking the stuff they're so saturated, but also FISH made of wine, and, to top it all off, beautiful naked women growing out of the grape vines! Kinda like merfolk, except they're plants rather than fish, and thusly sessile. So, unlike Daphne, who ran away from Apollo until in desperation she turned into a laurel tree, these fine ladies ain't going ANYWHERE and they won't become any more plantlike. Either way, plenty of opportunity for Lucian and his buddies to get Drunk Off Their Asses. ...truth be told, if you replaced the wine with chocolate and included some midgets singing ominous things to you, this seems AWFULLY similar to "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory," except for grown-ups, doesn't it? Isn't it great? XD Well, in any case, needless to say, drunkenness tends to lead to lapses in judgment as a couple of guys found out, because they got stuck and then turned INTO vine-people themselves when they try having sex with the wine women. Ha! Joke's on them! Of course, you can't blame Lucian and the other guys for hightailing it out of there. That's a hell of an "OMGWTFBBQ!" moment. XD The moral of this story? Drunken hookups are a Bad Idea.
And, gods help me, I am WAY too damn tempted to try and turn this into a graphic novel/comic type of format. XD Maybe after I've fully completed the text translation.
Next time, tune in for the Adventure to the Moon! You know you want to! ^_^