god is god
i am not afraid to die. i haven't been for a long time, since the age i realized that the meaning of life is to walk through this world as yourself, improving as you learn. up until now, i;ve had no regrets. even now, not moving to madison isn't totally a regret - just something that got waylaid and put off by life an ended up changing my life forever, in the form of craig's death.
it's just a fact of circumstances that i regret, not a capital r regret itself. and until there are time machines, its a fact that can't be changed by all of the "what if's" and tears in the world.
but anyway, i've never been afraid of death. i've lived a good life, i know who i am, i know what i believe, and i'm never ashamed of the choices i make. i'm not always happy, but i'm always true. i've been ok with dying at any moment from a very early age.
i never had to think about what happens after one dies, though. since i started questioning religion when i was 6 i knew that god & the devil, heaven & hell, were just myths designed to produce desired behavior. be good, or you're going to hell. i realized that was the purpose of satan, and i realized, even at 6, that satan was unnecessary because there were enough reasons to be good for good's sake. i was insulted that such a major institution relied on fear tactics to train minions. it follows that if satan's unecessary, then god is too. so i was a first grade nonbeliever in catholic school because i thought people didn't need bedtime stories to bully them into being good. philosophy & science & art & humanity were enough.
it follows that no god & satan means no heaven & hell. i grew up joking about going to hell, but never believing it was the torture pit of medival literature. truthfully, i didn;t know what happened when one died, and i was fine with that. i never believed in spirits or ghosts, but i never not believed, either. always a man of science, i figured the truth would be discovered by someone or would reveal itself to me one day. but i didn't need to know just yet, nor did i need to hold on to some purposeful myth in the mean time. dead was dead, gone was gone, and that was fine for me.
but the death of someone you care about changes all that. some cold empty finality isn't good enough for you or them. you want there to be an afterlife for the sake of your loved one. it's a useful myth. it's a comforting bedtime story. evan started praying when his mom died, and i started to see craig in nature.
because i never needed a god for anything, not to live a life i'm proud of, not to answer questions, not to comfort me, craig has filled that void. i used words like "cherish" and "worship" when he was alive, and i realized the other day, looking up at the sky, that worshiping him is exactly what i'm doing. i talk to him and it sounds like prayers. i thank him for the sun, the clouds, the rain. when its windy i wonder why he's so angry. i am greatful for the life we shared, all the lessons and memories he blessed me with. look up and i see his arms across the sky, holding me, holding us all who mourn him. i feel his presence and i feel him inside my body, so he must be in my air. he talks to me, so he must still be here, watching over me, taking care of me, helping me through everything i do. letting me know that i'm loved forever, that i'm beautitul forever, that i deserve happieness forever.
i know i'll always feel him, and i know i'll always see him in the sky. the rest of the comforting myths might fade away... on the one hand im embarassed i need them now when i never did before, but on the other, i know he believed in hope, magic, fairy tales, and romance. these things comforted him unabashedly, so i feel like he'd want me to hold onto my notions that he'll be by my side and above my head forever. the comfort myth hurts no one.
right away after his death, i took comfort in valhalla, thinking that's exactly where my viking would want to be. i see clouds that look like mountains and i picture him bounding along the ridges, sword in hand. i think of him riding the wind, and using breaks in the clouds to peer down. I also think that he deserves to be exactly where he wants to be, whether thats next to me, in my sky, or fighting bravely only to be healed & fight again the next day. he deserves eternal happieness because he was so amazing and only wished the same for me. he deserves it because he was taken too soon at the happiest point in his life, a happieness on earth he'll never get to experience again.
i can only hope by the time i get there that he wants to see me again. i hope i've lived bravely enough to deserve the privalege. the comfort myth that i hold onto the most is also the one that i'm most afraid of not being true: that we'll meet again and be able to love each other forever someday. i know when i die it will be with him in my heart, because he was the perfect one who made me happiest. and he knew it, because i told him i worshiped him every day. right now i just long for his arms around me, his eyes looking at my face, his lips on mine forever. if he's next to me as i write this, he feels my pain, my loss, my emptiness, and i feel his. however, only his body and the future were ripped away from me. i will miss him until i see him again, but i will never get used to the feeling. i will pray to him until i can tell him everything in person. i will look at the sky and see his beauty, and i will breath the air & feel his arms around me. and i will love him forever like he did me...nigh impossible.
i will find him.
it's just a fact of circumstances that i regret, not a capital r regret itself. and until there are time machines, its a fact that can't be changed by all of the "what if's" and tears in the world.
but anyway, i've never been afraid of death. i've lived a good life, i know who i am, i know what i believe, and i'm never ashamed of the choices i make. i'm not always happy, but i'm always true. i've been ok with dying at any moment from a very early age.
i never had to think about what happens after one dies, though. since i started questioning religion when i was 6 i knew that god & the devil, heaven & hell, were just myths designed to produce desired behavior. be good, or you're going to hell. i realized that was the purpose of satan, and i realized, even at 6, that satan was unnecessary because there were enough reasons to be good for good's sake. i was insulted that such a major institution relied on fear tactics to train minions. it follows that if satan's unecessary, then god is too. so i was a first grade nonbeliever in catholic school because i thought people didn't need bedtime stories to bully them into being good. philosophy & science & art & humanity were enough.
it follows that no god & satan means no heaven & hell. i grew up joking about going to hell, but never believing it was the torture pit of medival literature. truthfully, i didn;t know what happened when one died, and i was fine with that. i never believed in spirits or ghosts, but i never not believed, either. always a man of science, i figured the truth would be discovered by someone or would reveal itself to me one day. but i didn't need to know just yet, nor did i need to hold on to some purposeful myth in the mean time. dead was dead, gone was gone, and that was fine for me.
but the death of someone you care about changes all that. some cold empty finality isn't good enough for you or them. you want there to be an afterlife for the sake of your loved one. it's a useful myth. it's a comforting bedtime story. evan started praying when his mom died, and i started to see craig in nature.
because i never needed a god for anything, not to live a life i'm proud of, not to answer questions, not to comfort me, craig has filled that void. i used words like "cherish" and "worship" when he was alive, and i realized the other day, looking up at the sky, that worshiping him is exactly what i'm doing. i talk to him and it sounds like prayers. i thank him for the sun, the clouds, the rain. when its windy i wonder why he's so angry. i am greatful for the life we shared, all the lessons and memories he blessed me with. look up and i see his arms across the sky, holding me, holding us all who mourn him. i feel his presence and i feel him inside my body, so he must be in my air. he talks to me, so he must still be here, watching over me, taking care of me, helping me through everything i do. letting me know that i'm loved forever, that i'm beautitul forever, that i deserve happieness forever.
i know i'll always feel him, and i know i'll always see him in the sky. the rest of the comforting myths might fade away... on the one hand im embarassed i need them now when i never did before, but on the other, i know he believed in hope, magic, fairy tales, and romance. these things comforted him unabashedly, so i feel like he'd want me to hold onto my notions that he'll be by my side and above my head forever. the comfort myth hurts no one.
right away after his death, i took comfort in valhalla, thinking that's exactly where my viking would want to be. i see clouds that look like mountains and i picture him bounding along the ridges, sword in hand. i think of him riding the wind, and using breaks in the clouds to peer down. I also think that he deserves to be exactly where he wants to be, whether thats next to me, in my sky, or fighting bravely only to be healed & fight again the next day. he deserves eternal happieness because he was so amazing and only wished the same for me. he deserves it because he was taken too soon at the happiest point in his life, a happieness on earth he'll never get to experience again.
i can only hope by the time i get there that he wants to see me again. i hope i've lived bravely enough to deserve the privalege. the comfort myth that i hold onto the most is also the one that i'm most afraid of not being true: that we'll meet again and be able to love each other forever someday. i know when i die it will be with him in my heart, because he was the perfect one who made me happiest. and he knew it, because i told him i worshiped him every day. right now i just long for his arms around me, his eyes looking at my face, his lips on mine forever. if he's next to me as i write this, he feels my pain, my loss, my emptiness, and i feel his. however, only his body and the future were ripped away from me. i will miss him until i see him again, but i will never get used to the feeling. i will pray to him until i can tell him everything in person. i will look at the sky and see his beauty, and i will breath the air & feel his arms around me. and i will love him forever like he did me...nigh impossible.
i will find him.