milestones
since my viking died, today marks:
the 9th day
my third shower
my first meal craved
my second one eaten, but the first one enjoyed
the first time i woke up not crying
the first decent dreamless sleep i've gotten
the third time i've felt beautiful
the first time i've wanted to dress up, wear makeup
the third time i've taken any vitamins
the second time i feel like he's told me something encouraging (that he'd want me to be strong & happy)
the third time i was delighted to see blue sky, sun, & clouds
the third time i've felt physical pain
the first time i clutched his knit cthulu all night
a newly healed tattoo
the first day since i started doing it that i didn't need to get up & write frantically for 3 hours
the first day i've started to feel brave and practical
yesterday marked:
the first conversation i had with him
the first day i clutched & petted his knit cthulu all day
the most tears i cried for the longest time in front of people (barring the funeral)
the first time i bought something, including something for him
the first time i relaxed in hug
the third time i realized how fucking awesome our friends are
the first time i bummed cigarettes all day
the third good conversation i had with casey
the second day i wore his kilt, true
the second time i felt beautiful despite neglecting my upkeep
the first & second times i felt pain
the first time i got a little mad
the first time i forced myself to be social instead of giving into my tendency to run away & hide
the first sunset watched
the first music listened to voluntarily
the second time i'd made some peace
the first time i believed i'm better having known him & this for a while than not at all
the second time i realized he knew just how much i cherished him because i told him every day
the first time i realized what we had was beautiful on its own, not just in contrast to the pain
the 5th time i was told that we fit together so perfectly, like puzzle pieces
the first time i resolved to live more like him
the first time i resolved to live bravely, because only then do i deserve to see him again in valhalla
i still feel his hugs, his kisses. i still hear his voice and see his face.
nigh impossible
the 9th day
my third shower
my first meal craved
my second one eaten, but the first one enjoyed
the first time i woke up not crying
the first decent dreamless sleep i've gotten
the third time i've felt beautiful
the first time i've wanted to dress up, wear makeup
the third time i've taken any vitamins
the second time i feel like he's told me something encouraging (that he'd want me to be strong & happy)
the third time i was delighted to see blue sky, sun, & clouds
the third time i've felt physical pain
the first time i clutched his knit cthulu all night
a newly healed tattoo
the first day since i started doing it that i didn't need to get up & write frantically for 3 hours
the first day i've started to feel brave and practical
yesterday marked:
the first conversation i had with him
the first day i clutched & petted his knit cthulu all day
the most tears i cried for the longest time in front of people (barring the funeral)
the first time i bought something, including something for him
the first time i relaxed in hug
the third time i realized how fucking awesome our friends are
the first time i bummed cigarettes all day
the third good conversation i had with casey
the second day i wore his kilt, true
the second time i felt beautiful despite neglecting my upkeep
the first & second times i felt pain
the first time i got a little mad
the first time i forced myself to be social instead of giving into my tendency to run away & hide
the first sunset watched
the first music listened to voluntarily
the second time i'd made some peace
the first time i believed i'm better having known him & this for a while than not at all
the second time i realized he knew just how much i cherished him because i told him every day
the first time i realized what we had was beautiful on its own, not just in contrast to the pain
the 5th time i was told that we fit together so perfectly, like puzzle pieces
the first time i resolved to live more like him
the first time i resolved to live bravely, because only then do i deserve to see him again in valhalla
i still feel his hugs, his kisses. i still hear his voice and see his face.
nigh impossible