it burns
pablo neruda:
My love, if I die and you don't--,
My love, if you die and I don't--,
let's not give grief an even greater field.
No expanse is greater than where we live.
Dust in the wheat, sand in the deserts,
time, wandering water, the vague wind
swept us on like sailing seeds.
We might not have found one another in time.
This meadow where we find ourselves,
O little infinity! we give it back.
But Love, this love has not ended:
just as it never had a birth, it has
no death: it is like a long river,
only changing lands, and changing lips.
lips. i miss his so. directed at me, his smile was different - i remember the first time i noticed the subtle difference between the smile he usually gave & the genuine one he gave me. his lips always felt like nothing else. they said such beautiful things and were prettier than any i'd known. i still pine, i still burn. the last mark he left was still there when i went to the scene, heard the news...there on sunday when i took the things i wanted...there on monday when it hit me. so i got it tattooed over with a pair of black & red lips to always remember him by. black because he's gone, red because he died wearing my red hoodie. they have RIP in the creases. i worry my brain will fail me that i'll forget how he felt, but i know my skin never will. on my way to madison, the mark burned the whole time. i was numb but for that spot. it burned while getting inked, and it has burned ever since. it's not over my heart, but its on my chest where the world can see my love & grief. it's over the last expression of animal passion we shared, for afterwards, that night, we made love for the last time, and of course it was better and deeper and more satisfying than all the times before. it's lips, over the last shape of his lips. it hurts so fucking bad. i still want to get a bruise tattooed around 1 side, so it looks as painful as it feels, but i will have to wait on that. it burns right now, and likely always will.
i couldn't stand being 100 miles away from him. what the fuck do i do now, forever?
the last big concert we went to was dethklock & mastodon. we'd had a miscommunication over the phone that day, & he was really worried that i was mad at him, even though i'd said i wasn't. i missed hime terribly & wanted to talk to him, so i told him to call me. he'd overslept and called me just to say hi, but didn't have the time to talk. after this was explained & after i realized i'd see him at the concert i'd understood, but he was worried he'd done something wrong, that he'd hurt me. that was a sunday. him & andy were picking up his & lauren's bikes from chicago, where his had finally broken down due to replacing loctite with superglue (carbs puking gas - yay!). he'd gotten a late start due to having long excellent conversations the night before. i was peeved i didn't get to hear all about them right then, and a tad jealous... ah, regret.
on the way back, his left sidecover flew off. he ordered a replacement & it just came in the mail yesterday, while his family was packing up his room. i am keeping it, because i loved that bike. he wanted to give it to me when he got a new one. it was his purring kitten, not unlike me.
but yea, he got back to madison late, called me, didn;t believe i was ok, made it to the show late, and couldn't get ahold of the dudes with tickets. so he was sitting outside, a road grimed astronaut propped on his ship, after a shitty day, on the verge of tears, when i got there. i tried to talk to him, he wanted to leave, he was exhausted. i told him to give me 30 minutes - i'd find them inside, & send them out with tickets. though seemingly impossible, i did it. i solved a problem for him. i helped. i felt triumphant. we all texted him to sit tight, and eventually he got in. i was trapped up front during mastodon, but he texted me with delight that he could see my pink hair in the crowd. he texted me when they started playing zimmers hole, and he texted me that he'd love to see me before the end of the show. so when the moshing began i moved back & found him. he hugged me like never before. i asked if he'd heard our phrase in the mastodon set. he had. we smiled. it was like that made his terrible day alright. he rode his motorcycle back to madison with no problem at all, late hour, rain, construction, and heavy thoughts even.
regret: that i didn't see the mastodon set with him. i always used to quote my favorite song on that album in reqards to us: i guess they would say, we could set this world ablaze. and we did. nigh impossible.
burn. just burn.
"the last baron" - mastodon
I'd guess they would say we could set this world ablaze
Please, please take my hand
Please take my soul to rest
So we can always be around
It is hard to see
Through all the haze at the top of the trees
Hold my head on stable ground
Watch as the earth falls all around
Faltering footsteps
Dead end path
All that I need is this wise mans staff
Encased in crystal he leads the way
I guess they'd say we could set the world ablaze
Take my black soul
Arrive in the fires that burn my skin
Guide my eyes all through this maze
I guess they'd say we could set the world ablaze
All that I have seen
Standing on the edge
The foot of precipice
Floating in the sea
Past the king of swords
Quickly to the shore
The last baron
Ghost of man surrounds me in my slumber
I have no fear as your wing is my shelter
Cyanide he craves
Coursing through his veins
Providing him with strength
To see this to the end
Afraid of psychic eyes
Faith in mystic power
The last baron
The last baron
Will he save me?
Will he save me?
I was standing staring at the world
And I can't see it
after all this writing, i feel a bit better. however, i know i'm gonna be a wreck again any minute.
My love, if I die and you don't--,
My love, if you die and I don't--,
let's not give grief an even greater field.
No expanse is greater than where we live.
Dust in the wheat, sand in the deserts,
time, wandering water, the vague wind
swept us on like sailing seeds.
We might not have found one another in time.
This meadow where we find ourselves,
O little infinity! we give it back.
But Love, this love has not ended:
just as it never had a birth, it has
no death: it is like a long river,
only changing lands, and changing lips.
lips. i miss his so. directed at me, his smile was different - i remember the first time i noticed the subtle difference between the smile he usually gave & the genuine one he gave me. his lips always felt like nothing else. they said such beautiful things and were prettier than any i'd known. i still pine, i still burn. the last mark he left was still there when i went to the scene, heard the news...there on sunday when i took the things i wanted...there on monday when it hit me. so i got it tattooed over with a pair of black & red lips to always remember him by. black because he's gone, red because he died wearing my red hoodie. they have RIP in the creases. i worry my brain will fail me that i'll forget how he felt, but i know my skin never will. on my way to madison, the mark burned the whole time. i was numb but for that spot. it burned while getting inked, and it has burned ever since. it's not over my heart, but its on my chest where the world can see my love & grief. it's over the last expression of animal passion we shared, for afterwards, that night, we made love for the last time, and of course it was better and deeper and more satisfying than all the times before. it's lips, over the last shape of his lips. it hurts so fucking bad. i still want to get a bruise tattooed around 1 side, so it looks as painful as it feels, but i will have to wait on that. it burns right now, and likely always will.
i couldn't stand being 100 miles away from him. what the fuck do i do now, forever?
the last big concert we went to was dethklock & mastodon. we'd had a miscommunication over the phone that day, & he was really worried that i was mad at him, even though i'd said i wasn't. i missed hime terribly & wanted to talk to him, so i told him to call me. he'd overslept and called me just to say hi, but didn't have the time to talk. after this was explained & after i realized i'd see him at the concert i'd understood, but he was worried he'd done something wrong, that he'd hurt me. that was a sunday. him & andy were picking up his & lauren's bikes from chicago, where his had finally broken down due to replacing loctite with superglue (carbs puking gas - yay!). he'd gotten a late start due to having long excellent conversations the night before. i was peeved i didn't get to hear all about them right then, and a tad jealous... ah, regret.
on the way back, his left sidecover flew off. he ordered a replacement & it just came in the mail yesterday, while his family was packing up his room. i am keeping it, because i loved that bike. he wanted to give it to me when he got a new one. it was his purring kitten, not unlike me.
but yea, he got back to madison late, called me, didn;t believe i was ok, made it to the show late, and couldn't get ahold of the dudes with tickets. so he was sitting outside, a road grimed astronaut propped on his ship, after a shitty day, on the verge of tears, when i got there. i tried to talk to him, he wanted to leave, he was exhausted. i told him to give me 30 minutes - i'd find them inside, & send them out with tickets. though seemingly impossible, i did it. i solved a problem for him. i helped. i felt triumphant. we all texted him to sit tight, and eventually he got in. i was trapped up front during mastodon, but he texted me with delight that he could see my pink hair in the crowd. he texted me when they started playing zimmers hole, and he texted me that he'd love to see me before the end of the show. so when the moshing began i moved back & found him. he hugged me like never before. i asked if he'd heard our phrase in the mastodon set. he had. we smiled. it was like that made his terrible day alright. he rode his motorcycle back to madison with no problem at all, late hour, rain, construction, and heavy thoughts even.
regret: that i didn't see the mastodon set with him. i always used to quote my favorite song on that album in reqards to us: i guess they would say, we could set this world ablaze. and we did. nigh impossible.
burn. just burn.
"the last baron" - mastodon
I'd guess they would say we could set this world ablaze
Please, please take my hand
Please take my soul to rest
So we can always be around
It is hard to see
Through all the haze at the top of the trees
Hold my head on stable ground
Watch as the earth falls all around
Faltering footsteps
Dead end path
All that I need is this wise mans staff
Encased in crystal he leads the way
I guess they'd say we could set the world ablaze
Take my black soul
Arrive in the fires that burn my skin
Guide my eyes all through this maze
I guess they'd say we could set the world ablaze
All that I have seen
Standing on the edge
The foot of precipice
Floating in the sea
Past the king of swords
Quickly to the shore
The last baron
Ghost of man surrounds me in my slumber
I have no fear as your wing is my shelter
Cyanide he craves
Coursing through his veins
Providing him with strength
To see this to the end
Afraid of psychic eyes
Faith in mystic power
The last baron
The last baron
Will he save me?
Will he save me?
I was standing staring at the world
And I can't see it
after all this writing, i feel a bit better. however, i know i'm gonna be a wreck again any minute.