scribblin's
in the facebook pirate parlance. despite the face that i woke up crying with precious jerusalem in my head & momentarily freaked out because i couldn't feel his arms around me, i'm doing a bit better now. i;ve been thinking more about how to do him justice than about how to take care of me, but i think writing helps both of those things. so i reposted what i'd put on facebook, and i'm gonna scrible here. it might be sappy, repetetive, overwhelming, sacchrine, and even tedious & uninteresting, but i don't care. i just want to put as much of my head, and therefore our life together, down as i can.
i've been so sad & afraid lately. sad for the lack of him in the world, the things he'll never do, the people he'll never touch, the thoughts he;ll never think, and the fat that simply, his life was cut short. he'd been so amazing at 20 - imagine how wonderfuk he'd grow up to be when 25, 30, 40, 50... i did. all the time. i imagined it down to the deep laughter lines around his slightly baggier eyes, i imagined it down to the skin that sagged on his once glorious musculor body, and i loved it all. of course, i've been sad for me too. sad that i have to cut my path through the world without him, sad the plans we made will never happen. sad that i will never know love like that again, and if by some benevolent piece of luck i do, it will always remind me of craig, and the fact that it's not him. i'm sad that i'll never touch his lips again, never hold his face, never look into his eyes (though his left was my favorite...he had a mole right under his lower lashes that was directly under his pupil when he looked right at me...through me), never feel his arms around me, never scream into his chest, never pet his copious amounts of fur, never hear him say "you're my little smashers, my fiancee. nigh impossible, veronica smash." again. i'm so glad we had what we did, but i feel left out & cheated by that cunt time & space. why don't i deserve more? i deserved his forever once - why the fuck not now?
i also worry a lot. worry that i'm being selfish in my "me me me us us us" mourning. he knew all of my old friends longer than i knew him. they're sad too. he's got ex's who still loved him, a family that might not have 100% known his details, but knew who he was & loved him dearly. yet i'm all me me me us us us poor me, i will never know love like that, in such a wonderful package to boot, again.
i also worry that i will forget. my brain sucks. even now i have a harder time imagining him enveloping me in my sleep - the way i fit into him like a key as he wrapped his arms & legs around me, & the way his body felt against mine. i worry that i will forget his voice, forget words he said to me, forget his significance & importance, but most of all i worry i'll forget what he taught me, and what he let me become.
so, i'll write. and i;ll live. i'll live more like him and more like the me he knew - the real me. not the shiny ice queen i appear to be, but the brightly souled child of rainbows & moons who believes in love, believes in whimsy, believes in enthusiasm, believes in risks, believes in happieness, believes in effort, and is optimistic about the world. i will learn, i will grow. i will take chances, i will love. i will be there for people like he was. i will solve problems, i will hug. i will travel, i will ride, and i will waive at every single motorcyclist, just like he did.
i've been so sad & afraid lately. sad for the lack of him in the world, the things he'll never do, the people he'll never touch, the thoughts he;ll never think, and the fat that simply, his life was cut short. he'd been so amazing at 20 - imagine how wonderfuk he'd grow up to be when 25, 30, 40, 50... i did. all the time. i imagined it down to the deep laughter lines around his slightly baggier eyes, i imagined it down to the skin that sagged on his once glorious musculor body, and i loved it all. of course, i've been sad for me too. sad that i have to cut my path through the world without him, sad the plans we made will never happen. sad that i will never know love like that again, and if by some benevolent piece of luck i do, it will always remind me of craig, and the fact that it's not him. i'm sad that i'll never touch his lips again, never hold his face, never look into his eyes (though his left was my favorite...he had a mole right under his lower lashes that was directly under his pupil when he looked right at me...through me), never feel his arms around me, never scream into his chest, never pet his copious amounts of fur, never hear him say "you're my little smashers, my fiancee. nigh impossible, veronica smash." again. i'm so glad we had what we did, but i feel left out & cheated by that cunt time & space. why don't i deserve more? i deserved his forever once - why the fuck not now?
i also worry a lot. worry that i'm being selfish in my "me me me us us us" mourning. he knew all of my old friends longer than i knew him. they're sad too. he's got ex's who still loved him, a family that might not have 100% known his details, but knew who he was & loved him dearly. yet i'm all me me me us us us poor me, i will never know love like that, in such a wonderful package to boot, again.
i also worry that i will forget. my brain sucks. even now i have a harder time imagining him enveloping me in my sleep - the way i fit into him like a key as he wrapped his arms & legs around me, & the way his body felt against mine. i worry that i will forget his voice, forget words he said to me, forget his significance & importance, but most of all i worry i'll forget what he taught me, and what he let me become.
so, i'll write. and i;ll live. i'll live more like him and more like the me he knew - the real me. not the shiny ice queen i appear to be, but the brightly souled child of rainbows & moons who believes in love, believes in whimsy, believes in enthusiasm, believes in risks, believes in happieness, believes in effort, and is optimistic about the world. i will learn, i will grow. i will take chances, i will love. i will be there for people like he was. i will solve problems, i will hug. i will travel, i will ride, and i will waive at every single motorcyclist, just like he did.