(no subject)
I told myself I would not, under any circumstances, liveblog Coda, because I need to go to bed at some point tonight and also because no one fucking reads these things anyway.
But then Janeway made a smug face and said "Extremely well. Everyone had a lot of fun" referring to the events of the mysterious 'last night' and thusly made a liar out of me. BECAUSE WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT JANEWAY. THAT IS A JUST-BEEN-FUCKED FACE. YOU CANNOT DENY IT. YOU AND CHAKOTAY ACCIDENTALLY UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN SLASH THE BEGINNING OF YOUR DUTY SHIFTS. I made it 20 seconds into the episode, you guys. This is just plain embarrassing.
0:30 "And Captain, you were especially good last night!" "Thanks Neelix, it's been a while." Okay, I get it. DELIBERATE SEXUAL INNUENDO. I c wat u did thar writers. IT DOES NOT MEAN I DO NOT APPROVE WHOLEHEARTEDLY. Even her face is like "lolomg I cannot believe I am doing this *snicker snicker*."
01:08 SHE IS SWIRLING AROUND IN HER CHAIR IN THE SHUTTLE. Woman got fucked until she couldn't see straight and now she is fantasizing about it in front of Chakotay! Also, Chakotay in a shuttle? YOU GUYS I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THIS EPISODE: SOME SORT OF SHUTTLECRAFT DISASTER. SERIOUSLY. CHUCKLES IS TO SHUTTLECRAFT WHAT DIVIDING BY ZERO IS TO THE UNIVERSE: OH SHI-. Also, Chuckles is to shuttlecraft what multiplying by the inverse is to math: instant cancellation. DOES NOT EXIST. BOOM. But they are in a shuttle together so now I'm kind of ridiculously excited for this. MYBODYISREADY.gif
THEY ARE FLIRTING SO HARD. SO HARD. SO HARD. I CANNOT EVEN. Can I just quote this entire scene? Like, what special talents do you have, Chakotay? OH I KNOW. FUCKING ME SILLY. DO IT NOW.
02:10 "The navigational system is down!" WHAT DID I TELL YOU GUYS. HE CANNOT EVEN MAKE IT THREE FUCKING MINUTES INTO AN EPISODE WITH HIS GODDAMN SHUTTLE INTACT. WHAT THE FUCK, CHAKOTAY, WHAT STARFLEET ACADEMY DID YOU ATTEND?
02:58 Janeway, how in the actual fuck did you wind up behind the chairs when the shuttle crashed? Also, this is what they make seatbelts for. You might consider wearing one. No, actually, don't. You being unconscious is kind of one of my favorite non-sexual kinks for this show. Though why is the chick always in the lefthand seat, and why does she ALWAYS get thrown backwards and become grievously injured? Remember The Matrix: Revolutions, you guys? REMEMBER HOW TRINITY DIED?! I MOURNED HER FOR A FUCKING WEEK, OKAY? THAT SHIT LEFT ME SCARRED. And I just flashed back to it ;_;.
03:03 Brb he called her Kathryn. Crying and dying now.
03:08 Aaaand the moral of this story would be NEVER MAKE JOKES ABOUT BEING THE NEW CAPTAIN IF YOU ARE IN A SHUTTLE WITH CHUCKLES BECAUSE IT MIGHT JUST HAPPEN. Chuckles, seriously, thank god you aren't the goddamn navigational officer on that ship or it wouldn't even survive a fucking year. Respect for Tom Paris, right there.
Opening credits, anyway. Seriously, maybe it's just because I'm used to shows with like three-second boring openings, but this show has the. longest. fucking. opening. credits. ever. THEY ARE FUCKING BORING even.
05:35 Oh my god, he was legit just like two seconds from dropping Kate Mulgrew on her goddamn head. It's called a fireman's carry, stunt supervisors, and you might want to teach your actors to do it. Odds of dropping your precious cargo is substantially lowered, and you can still execute it with a pack on your back. I think they probably had to conduct trust exercises after this scene.
06:00 Kate Mulgrew: brb, being really uncomfortable. What do you mean, I'm supposed to wake up here? Total bullshit. I'mma stay sleeping unconscious. Writers, you work around this.
06:20 Chakotay, you realize that sort of monologue never even works in television? Except when it does, but then it's patently ridiculous. "BREATHE DAMMIT BREATHE" will never not be funny. ALSO MOUTH TO MOUTH CONTACT PLEASE TELL ME THERE IS A GIF FOR THIS. For a hot second my girly bits got a little confused about the context of that image.
06:40 Lol, why did he not try the hypospray first?! Chuckles, I don't understand you sometimes. Why not hypo her up and then when that fails, use CPR, not the other way around?
07:30 No, seriously, my girly bits are so confused right now. They see Chakotay's hands on her face and start clamoring for attention and claiming there's ~subtext~ and generally responding and I'm like "No, shut up, that's not what's going on here at all. She almost died." And they don't even give a shit because he's ~touching~ her. Dear SG-1 & X-Files fandom, why you gotta fuck me up like this? Remember in SG-1 when Carter would be on the ground and O'Neill would kneel next to her to check on her and there would be incidental touching in an otherwise sexually suggestive area and we would all be like "TOTALLY DOING IT"? Yeah, that ruined me.
08:20 I am so acutely aware of Kate Mulgrew's tendency to mix up sex faces/noises with injury faces/noises, and then do the wrong ones. It is totally a big reason why I love Janeway[!whump], but it's also intensely distracting for a poor lech trying to watch what is probably the shippiest episode of this show I will ever get for this pairing.
09:17 OH MY FUCKING JESUS KATE YOU ARE PATENTLY FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I LEGIT CANNOT FOCUS BECAUSE OF ALL THE SEX NOISES YOU ARE MAKING AS YOU ARE GETTING STRANGLED. A+ for a background in theatre.
11:11 The fact that I make these posts in allcaps is actually completely relevant, because evidently when in a heightened state of awareness and excitement on Voyager, especially in a shuttle, the protocol is to SHOUT EVERYTHING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS. FIRING STARBOARD ARRAY, BITCHES. DUMP THE CORE.
12:05 Sacajawea to Voyager? Are you fucking shitting me right now? They named this mission's shuttle SACAJAWEA. WHAT THE FUCK. *giggles* Sacajawea, the woman who accompanied Lewis and Clark on their exploration expedition. THE INDIAN. Be more racist, please, show? I love you all sfm.
13:18 ...being formerly dead does not phase Captain Janeway in the least.
14:13 OH MY GOD THIS TWIST WHERE HE DOES NOT EVEN REMEMBER IT AND OMG JANEWAY COULD BE ~CRAAAAZY~. HE DOES NOT REMEMBER CONTINUALLY FLIRTING WITH HER AND THEN CRYING ABOUT HER DEATH AND ANYTHING WHOOHOO THIS EPISODE AND ALL THE ~FEELINGS~. Janeway bb you brave face. Show it girl. Also she dropped her voice to ~intimate levels~. It's sexy talk, guys. Bedroom tones. Oh bb.
15:30 Heart breaking, bb. HEART BREAKING. THE PHAGE. ALSDKJGLKASDJGLKJASDLKG *sobs*. Look at your brave face, you beautiful woman. And ~hallucinations~. And I just can't. Look at me feeling feelings.
16:24 "I won't deactivate myself until I have some answers for you." MY FEELINGS. LET ME SHOW YOU THEM.
17:42 TEARS IN HER VOICE. A GOOD ACTRESS, LET ME SHOW YOU ONE. RIGHT THERE. KATE MULGREW YOU ARE FUCKING PHENOMENAL.
19:42 I like how at the moment she dies, I am instead distracted by the fact that her breasts are being pushed out. LOOK AT MY PRIORITIES. NO ACTUALLY LOOK AT HER FABULOUS BOOBIES.
20:45 HE LOVES HER HE LOVES HER HE LOVES HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER AND EVERYBODY IS MISSING THE POOOOIIIIIINNNNNTTTTT. FANFIC HERE I COME.
22:00 Star Trek: the only series in which the lead has multiple opportunities to get something somethin' with her doppelganger and yet never does. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA WENT THERE, OKAY SHOW? WHY CAN'T YOU?
33:34 Harry, sit down. Nobody cares what you think. You are going to ruin a perfectly good memorial service. I WAS CRYING AND THEN YOU STOOD UP OKAY ARE YOU HAPPY? GO SIT DOWN. Everyone wants to think when you die, you'd want the people in your life to move on and be happy, but I'd like to note for the record that actually, no, when I die I want people to be really fucking depressed for at least a month and a half. Kay? Kay. Brb wait really dirty images of Janeway with a stained mouth are happening in my head right now. KISSABLE NOM NOM no inappropriate thoughts you go away right now you bad things. AND LOOK AT HER CRYING. LOOK AT HER CRYING AND MOVING HER MOUTH TO KEEP FROM BEING TOO UPSET. LKDSJFLKSJD!
38:47 It's starting to make me sick how this hallucination/phage/Vidian thingie would twist the image of her own father to such an awful use.
41:52 Hey remember at the beginning of this post when I was all talking about a flashback to The Matrix? WHO'S PSYCHIC BITCHES? It's exactly like that 8D. SHE'S ENTERING HIS MATRIX OH BBY. Oh my god unintentionally dirty. "I'll enter your matrix, Chakotay." Yeah okay I just went there.
44:37 LOOK AT THEM FLIRTING. AND HE GAVE HER A ROSE. OH MY HEART. MY HEART I CAN'T. LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE. HOW COULD ANYONE NOT SHIP THEEEEEEEM. LOOK AT HER FLIRTING RIGHT THE FUCK BACK. THEY ARE GOING SAILING WITH A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE. THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THAT IS NOT CODE FOR THEM DOING IT IN ALL THE IMAGINABLE POSITIONS OF THE GODDAMN KAMA SUTRA, OKAY? ALL THE IMAGINABLE POSITIONS AND THEN SOME BECAUSE GODDAMN KATHRYN JANEWAY IS REALLY FLEXIBLE. And she also has some really nommy arms. Because Voyager is really a gun show.
But then Janeway made a smug face and said "Extremely well. Everyone had a lot of fun" referring to the events of the mysterious 'last night' and thusly made a liar out of me. BECAUSE WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT JANEWAY. THAT IS A JUST-BEEN-FUCKED FACE. YOU CANNOT DENY IT. YOU AND CHAKOTAY ACCIDENTALLY UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN SLASH THE BEGINNING OF YOUR DUTY SHIFTS. I made it 20 seconds into the episode, you guys. This is just plain embarrassing.
0:30 "And Captain, you were especially good last night!" "Thanks Neelix, it's been a while." Okay, I get it. DELIBERATE SEXUAL INNUENDO. I c wat u did thar writers. IT DOES NOT MEAN I DO NOT APPROVE WHOLEHEARTEDLY. Even her face is like "lolomg I cannot believe I am doing this *snicker snicker*."
01:08 SHE IS SWIRLING AROUND IN HER CHAIR IN THE SHUTTLE. Woman got fucked until she couldn't see straight and now she is fantasizing about it in front of Chakotay! Also, Chakotay in a shuttle? YOU GUYS I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THIS EPISODE: SOME SORT OF SHUTTLECRAFT DISASTER. SERIOUSLY. CHUCKLES IS TO SHUTTLECRAFT WHAT DIVIDING BY ZERO IS TO THE UNIVERSE: OH SHI-. Also, Chuckles is to shuttlecraft what multiplying by the inverse is to math: instant cancellation. DOES NOT EXIST. BOOM. But they are in a shuttle together so now I'm kind of ridiculously excited for this. MYBODYISREADY.gif
THEY ARE FLIRTING SO HARD. SO HARD. SO HARD. I CANNOT EVEN. Can I just quote this entire scene? Like, what special talents do you have, Chakotay? OH I KNOW. FUCKING ME SILLY. DO IT NOW.
02:10 "The navigational system is down!" WHAT DID I TELL YOU GUYS. HE CANNOT EVEN MAKE IT THREE FUCKING MINUTES INTO AN EPISODE WITH HIS GODDAMN SHUTTLE INTACT. WHAT THE FUCK, CHAKOTAY, WHAT STARFLEET ACADEMY DID YOU ATTEND?
02:58 Janeway, how in the actual fuck did you wind up behind the chairs when the shuttle crashed? Also, this is what they make seatbelts for. You might consider wearing one. No, actually, don't. You being unconscious is kind of one of my favorite non-sexual kinks for this show. Though why is the chick always in the lefthand seat, and why does she ALWAYS get thrown backwards and become grievously injured? Remember The Matrix: Revolutions, you guys? REMEMBER HOW TRINITY DIED?! I MOURNED HER FOR A FUCKING WEEK, OKAY? THAT SHIT LEFT ME SCARRED. And I just flashed back to it ;_;.
03:03 Brb he called her Kathryn. Crying and dying now.
03:08 Aaaand the moral of this story would be NEVER MAKE JOKES ABOUT BEING THE NEW CAPTAIN IF YOU ARE IN A SHUTTLE WITH CHUCKLES BECAUSE IT MIGHT JUST HAPPEN. Chuckles, seriously, thank god you aren't the goddamn navigational officer on that ship or it wouldn't even survive a fucking year. Respect for Tom Paris, right there.
Opening credits, anyway. Seriously, maybe it's just because I'm used to shows with like three-second boring openings, but this show has the. longest. fucking. opening. credits. ever. THEY ARE FUCKING BORING even.
05:35 Oh my god, he was legit just like two seconds from dropping Kate Mulgrew on her goddamn head. It's called a fireman's carry, stunt supervisors, and you might want to teach your actors to do it. Odds of dropping your precious cargo is substantially lowered, and you can still execute it with a pack on your back. I think they probably had to conduct trust exercises after this scene.
06:00 Kate Mulgrew: brb, being really uncomfortable. What do you mean, I'm supposed to wake up here? Total bullshit. I'mma stay sleeping unconscious. Writers, you work around this.
06:20 Chakotay, you realize that sort of monologue never even works in television? Except when it does, but then it's patently ridiculous. "BREATHE DAMMIT BREATHE" will never not be funny. ALSO MOUTH TO MOUTH CONTACT PLEASE TELL ME THERE IS A GIF FOR THIS. For a hot second my girly bits got a little confused about the context of that image.
06:40 Lol, why did he not try the hypospray first?! Chuckles, I don't understand you sometimes. Why not hypo her up and then when that fails, use CPR, not the other way around?
07:30 No, seriously, my girly bits are so confused right now. They see Chakotay's hands on her face and start clamoring for attention and claiming there's ~subtext~ and generally responding and I'm like "No, shut up, that's not what's going on here at all. She almost died." And they don't even give a shit because he's ~touching~ her. Dear SG-1 & X-Files fandom, why you gotta fuck me up like this? Remember in SG-1 when Carter would be on the ground and O'Neill would kneel next to her to check on her and there would be incidental touching in an otherwise sexually suggestive area and we would all be like "TOTALLY DOING IT"? Yeah, that ruined me.
08:20 I am so acutely aware of Kate Mulgrew's tendency to mix up sex faces/noises with injury faces/noises, and then do the wrong ones. It is totally a big reason why I love Janeway[!whump], but it's also intensely distracting for a poor lech trying to watch what is probably the shippiest episode of this show I will ever get for this pairing.
09:17 OH MY FUCKING JESUS KATE YOU ARE PATENTLY FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I LEGIT CANNOT FOCUS BECAUSE OF ALL THE SEX NOISES YOU ARE MAKING AS YOU ARE GETTING STRANGLED. A+ for a background in theatre.
11:11 The fact that I make these posts in allcaps is actually completely relevant, because evidently when in a heightened state of awareness and excitement on Voyager, especially in a shuttle, the protocol is to SHOUT EVERYTHING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS. FIRING STARBOARD ARRAY, BITCHES. DUMP THE CORE.
12:05 Sacajawea to Voyager? Are you fucking shitting me right now? They named this mission's shuttle SACAJAWEA. WHAT THE FUCK. *giggles* Sacajawea, the woman who accompanied Lewis and Clark on their exploration expedition. THE INDIAN. Be more racist, please, show? I love you all sfm.
13:18 ...being formerly dead does not phase Captain Janeway in the least.
14:13 OH MY GOD THIS TWIST WHERE HE DOES NOT EVEN REMEMBER IT AND OMG JANEWAY COULD BE ~CRAAAAZY~. HE DOES NOT REMEMBER CONTINUALLY FLIRTING WITH HER AND THEN CRYING ABOUT HER DEATH AND ANYTHING WHOOHOO THIS EPISODE AND ALL THE ~FEELINGS~. Janeway bb you brave face. Show it girl. Also she dropped her voice to ~intimate levels~. It's sexy talk, guys. Bedroom tones. Oh bb.
15:30 Heart breaking, bb. HEART BREAKING. THE PHAGE. ALSDKJGLKASDJGLKJASDLKG *sobs*. Look at your brave face, you beautiful woman. And ~hallucinations~. And I just can't. Look at me feeling feelings.
16:24 "I won't deactivate myself until I have some answers for you." MY FEELINGS. LET ME SHOW YOU THEM.
17:42 TEARS IN HER VOICE. A GOOD ACTRESS, LET ME SHOW YOU ONE. RIGHT THERE. KATE MULGREW YOU ARE FUCKING PHENOMENAL.
19:42 I like how at the moment she dies, I am instead distracted by the fact that her breasts are being pushed out. LOOK AT MY PRIORITIES. NO ACTUALLY LOOK AT HER FABULOUS BOOBIES.
20:45 HE LOVES HER HE LOVES HER HE LOVES HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER AND EVERYBODY IS MISSING THE POOOOIIIIIINNNNNTTTTT. FANFIC HERE I COME.
22:00 Star Trek: the only series in which the lead has multiple opportunities to get something somethin' with her doppelganger and yet never does. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA WENT THERE, OKAY SHOW? WHY CAN'T YOU?
33:34 Harry, sit down. Nobody cares what you think. You are going to ruin a perfectly good memorial service. I WAS CRYING AND THEN YOU STOOD UP OKAY ARE YOU HAPPY? GO SIT DOWN. Everyone wants to think when you die, you'd want the people in your life to move on and be happy, but I'd like to note for the record that actually, no, when I die I want people to be really fucking depressed for at least a month and a half. Kay? Kay. Brb wait really dirty images of Janeway with a stained mouth are happening in my head right now. KISSABLE NOM NOM no inappropriate thoughts you go away right now you bad things. AND LOOK AT HER CRYING. LOOK AT HER CRYING AND MOVING HER MOUTH TO KEEP FROM BEING TOO UPSET. LKDSJFLKSJD!
38:47 It's starting to make me sick how this hallucination/phage/Vidian thingie would twist the image of her own father to such an awful use.
41:52 Hey remember at the beginning of this post when I was all talking about a flashback to The Matrix? WHO'S PSYCHIC BITCHES? It's exactly like that 8D. SHE'S ENTERING HIS MATRIX OH BBY. Oh my god unintentionally dirty. "I'll enter your matrix, Chakotay." Yeah okay I just went there.
44:37 LOOK AT THEM FLIRTING. AND HE GAVE HER A ROSE. OH MY HEART. MY HEART I CAN'T. LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE. HOW COULD ANYONE NOT SHIP THEEEEEEEM. LOOK AT HER FLIRTING RIGHT THE FUCK BACK. THEY ARE GOING SAILING WITH A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE. THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THAT IS NOT CODE FOR THEM DOING IT IN ALL THE IMAGINABLE POSITIONS OF THE GODDAMN KAMA SUTRA, OKAY? ALL THE IMAGINABLE POSITIONS AND THEN SOME BECAUSE GODDAMN KATHRYN JANEWAY IS REALLY FLEXIBLE. And she also has some really nommy arms. Because Voyager is really a gun show.