Birdhouse In Your Soul - Chapter One
Title: "Birdhouse In Your Soul"
Author: mirei_nochi/Panda_Hallows
Rating: T
Chapters: Preface
Genres: Angst/Romance/Family/Friendship
Timeline: Written without any episodes after iMust Have Locker 239. Senior Year.
Summary: Sam's mother dies and that leaves Sam to rely on her friends through this hard time. Secrets that had been ignored for years surface and leave the teens to follow through and discover who they are as people, in this "coming of age story".
Panda Note: I post updates on what's going on with this story or life in general if you want to know. I usually let you know when I'll be updating or why I won't be. So check out my profile. You can also message me whenever and I'll get back to you when I can.
Disclaimer: I in no way own iCarly, I wouldn't be writing this fanfiction if I did. I'd be out making the show and placing Sam and Freddie in romantic situations as it should be. hah!
Chapter One
“Hola viewers, I'm Sam!” Sam grinned into the camera, her face showed pure joy. Her eyes lit up as Carly joined her up close to the camera. They both were grinning from ear to ear as they looking into the camera intently. She pressed her remote and the audience cheered as she made wacky hand gestures.
“That must mean I'm Carly!” Carly stated pointing to herself. Sam pressed it again and more cheering for her best friend.
“And this is iCarly, for all of those who don't know.” Sam stated in a matter-of-fact tone.
“They should know though, it would be un-fan-like if they didn't!” scolded Carly giving the camera a disapproving head shake.
“Right you are Carly.” Sam then pulled back and joined her best friend. They looked at each other then back at the camera grinning.
“Tonight we've got a special segment we like to call 'Fighting Bananas'!” They said the title together while squishing their heads into one another.
They began to duel each other with bananas while making special effect sounds. The bananas had on cowboy outfits and big fake mustaches. Behind the camera Freddie chuckled at this. It was just so random that he couldn’t help it.
An hour later the two bid their fans farewell and Freddie shut down for the evening.
“Great show guys.” He smiled at them and they did the same. All three plopped down in their favorite beanbag chairs and sighed. Friday nights they'd usually gather around to watch a movie before Freddie had to rush home.
“So are you staying over tonight?” Carly questioned her best friend who had somehow found a chunk of ham to stuff into her mouth. She'd learned from years of experience never to ask Sam where said food came from. The girl had her ways of getting food.
“Always, I just have to go home and grab some clothes and such. See if Sarah came home yet.” That had also been an occurrence that Carly had noticed; Sam referring to her mother by her first name. She had asked her once why she did that and never did receive a reply. She found that she wouldn't ever get the answer, if the blond didn’t want you to know. She glanced over at Freddie and found him giving Sam a strange look. It was as if he were trying to explain something to the blond without words. It seemed that Sam gathered what he was trying to express and rolled her eyes. He sighed and went back to the laptop on his lap. Obviously she didn't agree with whatever he was trying to say. It was so strange how they had their own language with glances. Yet they still used words to attack one another. Why couldn’t they just use their silent talk to fight?
Carly had begun to notice over the year the drastic change in their friendlastionship. Whenever they fought it wasn't with malice, but rather in a playful manner. It seemed that everything between them had shifted after Sam had confessed Freddie's secret on the show. She'd continued to wonder what happened the night that Sam had run off to talk to him. They never spoke of it but she had a feeling that it was the cause for their change. It was like they were actual friends who just fought a lot.
They'd only ever had two real big fights, but seemed to fix them within a few hours. She couldn't help but wonder what they would be like if they got together. The passion between them would be indescribable, like something out of a romance novel. She grinned to herself and held back a giggle.
“Well I'll be back; I'm going to grab some stuff at my place.” Sam stood and strode over to the elevator and vanished. Carly then returned her eyes to the male of their little group; he was still glancing over his shoulder. He sighed and then returned to the laptop. This didn't bypass Carly's eyes. But she chose to just drop it for now and add it to her mental bank of Sam/Freddie moments.
“So Freddie what are you working on?” She moved her beanbag over to his and looked over his shoulder. On the screen was the iCarly website, except it was in administrator mode. He was scrolling through a list of messages.
“I’m just going over some of the fan messages that came in tonight. There's this one on here that caught my attention but I wasn't sure if I should mention it to Sam.” She raised an eyebrow and glanced at the one in question. “It's from a man named Roger Puckett. Isn't that a little strange?”
“Well there was that one time that Sam sold that website to a guy with the same name as hers.”
“Still, it's strange, especially what he wrote.”
She allowed her eyes to scan through it and then returned her eyes to Freddie.
'I found myself watching your show. I've heard of it before but never watched until recently. Upon watching it I recognized 'Sam'. I wish to get in contact with her if that is at all possible. -Roger Puckett.'
“Do you think-” Carly started but he cut her off.
“Yes, I do. Sam has only mentioned her father once to me but she never did mention a name. This is too coincidental for me.” he sighed and closed the laptop. “Should we tell her about it?”
“I don't know, she’s been more upbeat lately. I don't want to ruin her good mood if this is just a fluke.”
“Alright, but I'll just message him later and see.” She gave a nod and stood up.
“Let's go pick out a few movies to choose from for tonight.” he got up and followed her to the area where they kept the DVDs.
The lights were on when she got home, which suggested that either her mother had forgot to turn them off or she was home for once. Yet she still didn't feel like she should stay there for the night. She much rather preferred crashing at Carly's where she knew she would be able to eat as well as get a decent nights sleep. In the empty house she always felt alone; it creped up the walls and down the hallways. Even with her tough exterior she still feared the unknown. Safety could be found with her best friend and her abnormal brother.
She unlocked the front door and stepped inside. Nothing seemed out of place, except that there were a bunch of scattered sheets of paper littering the ground. Upon further inspection she found that there was a thick envelop taped to the picture hanging over the fireplace. Normally she wouldn't have even taken notice to it, except that it was bright lime green and practically screamed out to her.
Pulling it off she had the urge to open it right away but decided to wait until later. Her mother must have left it to tell her she was leaving again. Most times she didn't even get that. She'd just have to assume the woman was off somewhere for weeks on end. Tucking it into her backpack she ventured up the stairs to the very end of the hall, to her bedroom.
Grabbing any article of clothing in sight, she packed up and gave her room another glance before walking back out. With all the 'sleepover' items placed in her stuffed backpack she headed back down the stairs.
Something about the living room sent a chill down her spine, like a bad omen. She brushed it off and turned all the lights off. It looked ominous without the lights on. Nothing like a real home should be. Locking the door she made her way back to her old vehicle that she'd bought after working at the mall over the summer the year before. It wasn't fancy like Freddie's or random like Carly's who thought she should get a motorcycle so she and her brother could ride together on trips.
Hers was a pickup truck with faded blue paint. It was older than her 17 years, as far as she knew, but she loved it like a pet goldfish before Spencer could kill it.
Throwing her bag in the back she climbed into the driver seat and took off. She hadn’t noticed at all that her mother's car was still parked in the parking lot of the condo lot.
When she arrived back at Carly's she found her two best friends in the kitchen gathering up snacks and talking over which movie they should watch. She stood there for a moment and watched the two carry on their conversation. Part of her was jealous of her best friend, for reasons she refused to address, reasons that shouldn't even be present in her mind. Carly was Carly and she was Sam. In what universe would that ever change? As she watched she noticed, like she always did, that they were more like best friends than anything else. Freddie didn't give Carly those same looks anymore, but he still did as she asked, as a friend should. She couldn't say when the last time she'd seen him give her that look, or anyone else for that matter. Sam knew that if Carly wished for her to do something, she wouldn't hesitate to follow through. She'd complain of course, but in the end she would do it. Then again Carly had her way of getting what she wanted out of the two. The girl knew how to work them both over just fine.
“I'm back guys.” she threw her back off to the side and walked over to them. She was about to grab the remainder of the ham out of the fridge when she noticed that Freddie had already pulled it out and was cutting up, for her. She held back a smile and went over to him and pulled a piece off the plate. “Thanks Freddo!” she grinned with a mouth full of ham.
“No problem. I figured you'd be hungry after the long drive. You know how you get when you are away from your ham.”
“Oh I do.” she stated and ate another piece. “Mama loves her ham.”
He laughed as she looked down at the ham hungrily. Moments like this were ones that he rather liked. When she wasn't beating the crap out of him and putting him down. Even though he didn't mind that so much anymore; he rather liked their arguing, as weird as that was.
“Let's do this!” Carly cheered, holding popcorn and a few bottles of soda. They both nodded and followed her; Sam with a plate of ham and Freddie with what looked like chocolate. This caught her attention; he hardly ever ate sweets, especially with his mother so close by. Then again he'd really grown up over the course of the year and a half. He didn't allow the woman to control every aspect of his life. Though she sometimes got her way when it came to curfew; that was something he couldn't avoid.
They all pulled their beanbags together and got comfortable. Sam sat in between her two best friends, better access to their food and treats. Or so she told herself. Somewhere in the deepest part of her mind she felt she had to place herself between Carly and Freddie, even though she knew nothing was going on with them. It was yet another thing she refused to bring to the surface of her mind. If she didn’t think it then it wouldn’t exist and she wouldn’t have to address it.
Once the movie started she noticed that Carly kept staring at her strangely. Like she was trying to read her thoughts and see inside her brain. It was weird. Carly had something on her mind, it was obvious. She tried to ignore her best friend acting strange and focus on their movie of choice; V for Vendetta. She wasn't sure why they had decided on this one, Carly hated these sorts of movies. She much rather like comedies or chick flicks as opposed to a swash buckling man in a mask taking down ‘the man’.
Glancing over at Freddie she noticed that he was also looking over at her every once and a while. His looks were different, something she couldn't quite put a finger on. She tried to ignore them both and focus on the sexy masked man on the TV.
Every once and a while Freddie would venture over onto her plate of ham, which she allowed. She could understand that he was also a fan of hammy ham-ness. How could she deny him such a treat? But his hand kept meeting hers on the plate and she'd find herself glaring at him. Not because it was unpleasant but because it wasn't, that she liked it. That wouldn't do. She made sure to keep a watch on the plate from time to time.
When the movie ended and the credits were rolling she stood and stretched, allowing particles of ham to fall off of her yellow shirt. Carly went over to take the movie out and put it away while Sam and Freddie stood there awkwardly staring at one another. This happened from time to time. They'd accepted half a year ago that they wouldn't be able to be like they used to. Some part of it was fine though, if they could keep up with some aspects of their old relationship.
“I should be getting home, before my mom comes over here and sees me eating chocolate.” she just chuckled and rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, she’d probably have you bed ridden until it passed through your body.” she joked pushing his shoulder lightly. “Or take you to the ER and have your stomach pumped.”
“Don't say that, it could happen!” he groaned but found himself smiling. “I’m going now. Good night guys.” He called and disappeared into the elevator. Sam stood there for a moment and watched him go. An unreadable expression littering her features.
“Let's get some sleep Carls, I'm tired!” groaned Sam, who slouched and started for the stairs.
Carly let the little look that passed between her best friends go and nodded. They both changed and settled in for the night.
The next morning Carly woke up to the smell of bacon and pancakes. She also noticed that Sam wasn't there next to her. Upon entering the kitchen she found her best friend standing over the stove turning over bacon as well as the pancakes. Carly had only ever seen Sam cook a few times and each time the meal was amazing. Being in love with food gave the girl super cooking skills.
Plopping down at the counter, she continued to watch Sam. She hadn't looked up from cooking, which meant she had her PearPod on. Another clue was the light movement of her feet, indicating that she was dancing a bit where she stood.
There was a knock at the door, she called for the person to come in and Freddie joined her after closing the door. He looked perplexed by the scene in the kitchen. Carly didn't seem as bothered by it and didn't answer his unspoken question. He hadn’t ever seen Sam do any cooking before, just stuffing her face.
“She can't hear us.” Carly stated fiddling with the apple inside basket on the counter. “Did you message that guy?” he was still looking at Sam with a confused look on his face. She was dressed in a t-shirt and baggy pajama bottoms. Her hair was a little wilder then it usually was as well.
“Yeah, when I got home; I haven't checked to see if he replied yet though.” He stated turning his eyes from Sam for a moment.
“Well check while Sam isn't paying attention.” she shoved. Sam continued to work over the stove in her own little world. Her head continued to bob to the music playing in her ears.
Spencer came out sniffing the air. His eyes wandered around the kitchen until they landed on Sam who was mixing more batter for pancakes. He felt that he understood the young woman more than most people. She had her little quirks that never got past him. If she cleaned she was hurting inside and had no way of dealing with those feelings. When she cooked like this it meant that something was off in her little world. Something minor but it still seemed to bother her, causing her to over think. Like boy trouble or friend trouble, even school fell into this particular behavior. Carly never quite grasped this and just assumed that Sam enjoyed cooking every once and a while, which she might have.
He strode over to the blond and joined her by the stove. He placed a hand on her shoulder and she jumped slightly and then glanced up at him. She pulled out the buds of her headphones and wrapped them around her neck.
“You alright?” he whispered so the other two wouldn't hear. He still had a hand on her shoulder, which she allowed. It never bothered her when Spencer did it.
“Yeah, I'm fine.” He didn't believe her of course but let it go. Pushing her into talking would only get you into trouble. So he ruffled her hair and went to the couch to lounge.
Carly scanned over the words and felt her eyes widen. She tried to cover it up but she knew she looked like a dear in the headlights. Sam, now without her headset on greeted them and then started to make plates. Freddie glared at Carly, which rarely happened and she tried to pull it together. The words were still on the screen.
'I don't know who you think you are, but she's my daughter and I have a right to talk to her.' -Roger Puckett
Clicking out of it and shutting off the screen, Freddie tried his best to put on his normal face.
Sam seemed oblivious to the goings on around her. If her two friends were acting strange, it was nothing new.
“So guys what are we doing today?” Sam grinned as she stuffed her face with bacon. Spencer wandered over upon seeing the plates set down. He happily chomped down on some bacon while the others talked.
“I'm sorry guys but I made plans already, I should have told you.” Carly stated looking at them nervously. She didn't like to leave them hanging like this.
“Hot date?” Sam asked thoughtfully, sipping her coffee. Carly relaxed a bit upon seeing how Sam reacted to this. But she also wanted to use this time to see where Freddie stood with her. If he still 'loved' her like he used to state on a regular basis; if not then her observations weren't completely wrong.
“Well sort of. I promised the new guy at school I'd give him a tour of Seattle, since he's from a small down and all.” She glanced over at Freddie for a moment but he was just munching on his toast and sipping his own coffee.
“That's cool Carls, we'll find something to do.” Sam assured her. This was yet another moment she placed down in her book of changes. Normally Freddie would complain about her and other boys. He didn't even bat an eye. She was expecting some sort unhappy look from the tech producer but got nothing. She smiled to herself then and wrote another note in her mental notebook.
“That's a relief.” Carly replied. “I was worried you guys would be upset.”
“Oh I know what we can do.” Started Sam; looking over at Freddie as if she just had the most amazing idea on the planet.
“What's that?” he leaned in and gave her his full attention, yet still a little nervous about what she had in mind. No one ever really knew what Sam had up her sleeve so it was always best to be on guard.
Carly found this interesting. The two were so cute at times that she almost forgot their fighting.
“I found these weird tapes the other day at home but we don't own a tape player. Maybe you could find a way to get them to play or something. You know, use your nerd skills and battle ancient video devices. Maybe take them and make them into DVDs?” he rolled his eyes but nodded. He could get over the nerd comment a lot easier then years before.
“Sounds like you two have your day planned.” Carly grinned.
“We'll find other stuff to do as well.” stated Freddie finishing off his pancakes. They were amazing, in his opinion. Where on earth did Sam learn to cook like that?
With breakfast over and Carly vanishing out the door Freddie and Sam wandered up to the studio. With her backpack in hand she began to search through it for the tapes she'd found while cleaning. Her mother must have hidden them. They were placed behind a few boxes in the hallway closet. There were others too but she just grabbed a few to see what they were.
She handed them to Freddie who blew dust off them dramatically and then proceeded to do his magic. When she glanced down the lime-green envelop was still there. She pulled it out and noticed that it had her name on it. Had it been there last night? Turning it over in her hand she noticed that it was a lot heavier than she remembered.
“So what do you think is on these tapes anyways?” he found himself asking, the silence was killing him.
“My parents use to make videos, you know like some cheesy family or something.” she shrugged.
“Well I'm almost done with the conversion. All I really had to do was get an old camcorder or any camcorder that takes VHS videos.” She would have made a comment [on how little she actually cared about what he was doing] but chose to focus on the lime-green envelop in her hands. Should she even bother to open it? “What do you have there?” he asked from his cart.
“I don't know; it was at home last night when I went to get my stuff.”
“Open it.” he suggested and she plopped down in a beanbag chair. Turning it over in her hands she felt them start to shake slightly. Ripping off the back she pulled out all the contents inside of it. There were two groupings of paper in there. One set had three sheets of paper while the other had only one. “What are those?” he asked sitting next to her. She shrugged and handed him the thicker one. He read over it for a moment. “This is an official document.”
“For?”
“Adoption.” he frowned. “She even signed it; all that it needs is the other parties’ signature.”
“Why would she be signing me over to someone else?” she looked perplexed by this news.
“Let me read this other thing, maybe she wrote something.”
'Dear Sam,
I've written this too many times to count. Nothing I write seems to explain exactly why I have to go. I know that you expected more from me and I could never give those things to you. It should have been simple do give you what you wanted most, you never asked for anything else from me. The past few years I've been trying to find a way to let you go, to set you free in my own way. It didn't work. I've created a person who can't seem to trust anyone, least of all herself. That's not what I wanted for you. It wasn't my intention to push you into mistrust and loneliness.
Your father leaving was a hard pill to swallow. I couldn't look you in the eyes for years; your blue eyes constantly reminding me of the man who broke my heart. You must know though that it wasn't your fault he left. It was mine. I wasn't the easiest woman to be with at times and I knew he couldn’t trust in me. He couldn't handle the responsibilities that came with being a husband and father. He was still so young and foolish then. But I do know that despite all of this he loved you dearly. Don't ever question that. If only you knew how hard it was to leave you with me.
He isn't a bad man, it was my entire fault. I did something wrong and he couldn't handle it. Never blame yourself.
You must be wondering why I'm writing this very 'touching' letter to you. Sam, by the time you read this I will be dead. I couldn't allow you to see me at home so I've rented out a motel room. They should find me within a day. You'll be 18 soon but I don't want you to leave Seattle with your father, away from your good friends. I know that he'll want you to go with him wherever he's been living. But I know you're better off in Seattle. So that's why I've signed the adoption documents in this package. Give them to Spencer and see if he'll sign them. If not Marissa Benson will, I know she will. It's your choice. The point is that you must stay with your friends; they're good for you and vise versa. They've managed to heal you from the damage we've done to you.
If you wish to have a relationship with your father I will completely understand. Just don't get hurt, he has a way of pulling you in and letting you down. I just don't want you to get hurt. Be careful.
Be strong, things will work out.
Love always,
Sarah'
Sam sat there staring at the letter, her eyes burning slightly. She refused to allow any tears to form. She reread it and felt her heart sink. Continually thinking ‘this isn’t happening’ in a repeat pattern, like a skipping record. She stood up and grabbed her phone. Who would she call? Had they found her yet? No, they would have called her. She was on her mother's emergency contact list at the hospital. She tried to calm down her beating heart but it was causing the room to spin. She paced back and forth but that made it worse. She stopped and leaned against the elevator doors.
“Sam, what's wrong?” he came to her and tried to calm her down but she was in a haze. It was as though her mind had checked out early. He continued to call her name but she wasn't looked at him. She then dropped the letter onto the floor; he picked it up and read it. He dropped them as soon as he read the last bit and grabbed Sam and held at arms length. She was looking down at her feet and shaking slightly. He wasn't sure what he should do. He wasn't used to this side of Sam. “It's going to be okay, Sam.” was all he could say. But he knew that's not what Sam would want to hear. So he gave her time to gather herself.
“She's so selfish!” she snapped out all of a sudden with a dark, angry look in her eyes. “How could she make a choice like that, to just leave? What right does she have?” she began to pound on his chest, which only caused him to pull her into him. She didn't cry, it wasn't who she was. Not anymore. Instead she just stood there awkwardly while Freddie tried to comfort her. He wasn't used to doing this for anyone, least of all Sam. So he patted her back awkwardly. She pushed away from him and put some distance, not liking the weird flop in her stomach. She leaned back against the elevator and looked down at her phone. “What should I do?” she asked him looking up into his eyes.
Her eyes were glossed over, he could tell. She was lost and asking him what to do.
“Call the cops?” he threw out. “See if they've found anyone who looks like her.” was all he had.
She just nodded and started to dial the number in her phone. After twenty minutes of explaining and talking with the operator the woman explained that she would be sending an officer to her location to speak with her.