The sitch
So I really didn't want to talk about it here but I'm finding that repressing all that emotion is not working. In fact, today I'm sitting at my desk at work and it's just churning inside of me. The tears are in the back of my throat and every time I talk about it it just gets closer and closer to the surface. The people who know are so kind and caring but that almost makes it worse.
Thing is I was ok- practical even for me (though I'm sure sissy would say otherwise:). But then I talked to my dad last night and it was like I was 9 years old again and terrified of her all over again.
On Friday afternoon my grandma swallowed her entire bottle of Prozac and we aren't sure exactly what else. She was not successful and physically she is actually doing fairly well. She had a minor heart attack as a result but that really isn't even that concerning. I saw her on Saturday with my sister and dad and she was sedated because they had her intubated so she was not really there. It really bothered me though to see her restrained and Amanda explained to me that all ICU patients are when they are out of it because their first instinct upon waking is to start pulling things out. I sat there with Amanda for a while watching her and then at one point she woke up and there was so much confusion and fear in her eyes and I felt so bad for her because she couldn't move and she couldn't talk and there was just like panic in her eyes. I couldn't imagine being in that position. I told my dad I felt bad for her and he was like she did it to herself. And I get that. I really get that and I get his anger and his frustration. But I still felt bad for her.
I couldn't see her the rest of the weekend because I had a cold and a slight fever and I shouldn't be near an ICU like that so I called my dad last night. That's when things went downhill for me emotionally. For the most part I've been handling it and trying to be practical and not overly emotional especially because I'm the super emotional one in the family and being surrounded by nurses and level headed men it was easy to take my queue from them. But last night my dad was telling me about how when she realized she wouldn't be going home anytime soon, my grandma flipped out and went psychotic. She scratched my grandpa and ripped a nurses name tag off so they restrained her again. That was so hard hearing and my dad and I ended up having the same conversation about me feeling bad and him responding that she had done it to herself. The thing is my dad was 17 the first time she did this and his brother 14. I can't imagine how he dealt with that. All I know is that talking to him last night took me right back to being 9 years old staying with her that day that she had a big breakdown. I remember I was watching tv and eating and spilled something on myself and stained my shirt and she just flipped out. Started screaming calling me a dirty little pig who lived in a pigsty and I remember her screaming at me to clean my room (the room I stayed in when I was there) and it was clean it was immaculate because she had cleaned it and I kept trying to tell her that but there was no reasoning with her. I was crying hysterically and she just kept screaming at me not to cry which only made me cry harder. Then my Tio Rodulpho came over and tried to talk to her and I remember her telling him what a little pig I was and I just didn't understand I was scared absolutely shitless. I remember my step-mom coming later that afternoon and I was hiding with the TV in my grandparents bedroom. Julie came and brought Amanda with her (Amanda was little then, I don't even know if she remembers this all that much) but I remember sitting there in the room with Amanda watching TV but listening to Julie in the other room trying to calm my grandma down. I didn't want to see her for months after that. I remember my grandfather got so pissed at my mom he thought she was keeping me from seeing them but the truth was I wanted nothing to do with my grandmother I was so scared.
Talking to my dad last night about how my grandpa described her yesterday in the hospital just made me think of that and instantly I was that scared little 9 year old again and I don't want to see her. I'm scared to see her. Can you imagine? I'm nearly 30 years old and I'm scared to go see my poor sick grandmother? It's ridiculous. I mean I understand what happened that day 20 years ago- I understand with an adult brain and I understand what is happening now but it doesn't stop the scared little kid in me. I don't know how to turn it off and I really don't want to see her like this but I feel like I have to...or who knows how long it will be. I just need to bite the bullet and be a grownup but I sure as hell don't feel like it.
So there's that...thanks for letting me purge internetz...
PS...I don't really want to talk about...I mean I know I'm sharing it with the world here but I'm in no mood to talk about it. I just really wanted to get it out of me somehow if that makes any sense.
Thing is I was ok- practical even for me (though I'm sure sissy would say otherwise:). But then I talked to my dad last night and it was like I was 9 years old again and terrified of her all over again.
On Friday afternoon my grandma swallowed her entire bottle of Prozac and we aren't sure exactly what else. She was not successful and physically she is actually doing fairly well. She had a minor heart attack as a result but that really isn't even that concerning. I saw her on Saturday with my sister and dad and she was sedated because they had her intubated so she was not really there. It really bothered me though to see her restrained and Amanda explained to me that all ICU patients are when they are out of it because their first instinct upon waking is to start pulling things out. I sat there with Amanda for a while watching her and then at one point she woke up and there was so much confusion and fear in her eyes and I felt so bad for her because she couldn't move and she couldn't talk and there was just like panic in her eyes. I couldn't imagine being in that position. I told my dad I felt bad for her and he was like she did it to herself. And I get that. I really get that and I get his anger and his frustration. But I still felt bad for her.
I couldn't see her the rest of the weekend because I had a cold and a slight fever and I shouldn't be near an ICU like that so I called my dad last night. That's when things went downhill for me emotionally. For the most part I've been handling it and trying to be practical and not overly emotional especially because I'm the super emotional one in the family and being surrounded by nurses and level headed men it was easy to take my queue from them. But last night my dad was telling me about how when she realized she wouldn't be going home anytime soon, my grandma flipped out and went psychotic. She scratched my grandpa and ripped a nurses name tag off so they restrained her again. That was so hard hearing and my dad and I ended up having the same conversation about me feeling bad and him responding that she had done it to herself. The thing is my dad was 17 the first time she did this and his brother 14. I can't imagine how he dealt with that. All I know is that talking to him last night took me right back to being 9 years old staying with her that day that she had a big breakdown. I remember I was watching tv and eating and spilled something on myself and stained my shirt and she just flipped out. Started screaming calling me a dirty little pig who lived in a pigsty and I remember her screaming at me to clean my room (the room I stayed in when I was there) and it was clean it was immaculate because she had cleaned it and I kept trying to tell her that but there was no reasoning with her. I was crying hysterically and she just kept screaming at me not to cry which only made me cry harder. Then my Tio Rodulpho came over and tried to talk to her and I remember her telling him what a little pig I was and I just didn't understand I was scared absolutely shitless. I remember my step-mom coming later that afternoon and I was hiding with the TV in my grandparents bedroom. Julie came and brought Amanda with her (Amanda was little then, I don't even know if she remembers this all that much) but I remember sitting there in the room with Amanda watching TV but listening to Julie in the other room trying to calm my grandma down. I didn't want to see her for months after that. I remember my grandfather got so pissed at my mom he thought she was keeping me from seeing them but the truth was I wanted nothing to do with my grandmother I was so scared.
Talking to my dad last night about how my grandpa described her yesterday in the hospital just made me think of that and instantly I was that scared little 9 year old again and I don't want to see her. I'm scared to see her. Can you imagine? I'm nearly 30 years old and I'm scared to go see my poor sick grandmother? It's ridiculous. I mean I understand what happened that day 20 years ago- I understand with an adult brain and I understand what is happening now but it doesn't stop the scared little kid in me. I don't know how to turn it off and I really don't want to see her like this but I feel like I have to...or who knows how long it will be. I just need to bite the bullet and be a grownup but I sure as hell don't feel like it.
So there's that...thanks for letting me purge internetz...
PS...I don't really want to talk about...I mean I know I'm sharing it with the world here but I'm in no mood to talk about it. I just really wanted to get it out of me somehow if that makes any sense.