(no subject)
i'm cold. merry post-christmas.
maddy and kate left for the weekend. i'm all alone. there is not a single family member in the city of philadelphia. i am so glad i came home...to be alone. hmm...?
the nightmares continue. last night was a classic. my subconscious is getting tired of me, i can tell. the infamous ex-lover stood on the corner of a street and screamed at me for hours, as if i was deaf, repeating the same thing over and over: i don't love you anymore.
it was quite cinematic. and i remember being alternately afraid of him and broken and terribly ashamed. i woke up half-crying and in a cold sweat. and i'm not even on the medication anymore...my mind, my mind. it's a terrible way to start the day. i can't help but let the thoughts dominate my mind for a good portion of the morning, sometimes even into the afternoon. i feel shaky. uneven.
waking life has been almost good, though. terribly relaxing. quiet. i am starting to get tired of my own company. i have been having baths. and singing a lot. last night kate and maddy and i had a dance party, and kate and i drank wine and did ear candles (strange family tradition) and read books and watched old movies. now they are all gone. it's funny. my dad and kate gave me a book of essays entitled learning to be alone or something like that. maybe it is my destiny.
maybe i will end up sad and lonely. just like the song.
at least they left me with several bottles of wine and a massive bottle of red label. at least i can be the sad lonely wino.
ahhhhh, where is the ocean when i need it?
maddy and kate left for the weekend. i'm all alone. there is not a single family member in the city of philadelphia. i am so glad i came home...to be alone. hmm...?
the nightmares continue. last night was a classic. my subconscious is getting tired of me, i can tell. the infamous ex-lover stood on the corner of a street and screamed at me for hours, as if i was deaf, repeating the same thing over and over: i don't love you anymore.
it was quite cinematic. and i remember being alternately afraid of him and broken and terribly ashamed. i woke up half-crying and in a cold sweat. and i'm not even on the medication anymore...my mind, my mind. it's a terrible way to start the day. i can't help but let the thoughts dominate my mind for a good portion of the morning, sometimes even into the afternoon. i feel shaky. uneven.
waking life has been almost good, though. terribly relaxing. quiet. i am starting to get tired of my own company. i have been having baths. and singing a lot. last night kate and maddy and i had a dance party, and kate and i drank wine and did ear candles (strange family tradition) and read books and watched old movies. now they are all gone. it's funny. my dad and kate gave me a book of essays entitled learning to be alone or something like that. maybe it is my destiny.
maybe i will end up sad and lonely. just like the song.
at least they left me with several bottles of wine and a massive bottle of red label. at least i can be the sad lonely wino.
ahhhhh, where is the ocean when i need it?