(no subject)
I dreamt of my lulu today.
she was alive and we were waiting at my old apartment on hazel drive for the vet to come give her the injection. we drove around the complex until he came and then i left. he gives her the shot and it's painful for her and i can hear her crying from outside and trying to run around so i come in and she’s blind. she cant see and she’s running around knocking things over trying to look for me. i call her and she jumps on me and starts licking my face. i tell her i love her, that she’s fine, she’s going to be okay, that she’s the prettiest, most perfect dog in the world and that i will never forget her. then she slowly starts falling asleep while i sing her my mom’s sleeping song. she finally goes and i wake up.
i wish i hadn’t.
i can’t stop thinking about her. she’s everywhere, in everything we do. i open the fridge and expect her to come running, i wake up expecting to feel her licking my face… i walk around expecting her right behind me, biting at the hem of my old workout sweats but she never is. the house smells like her, especially my sheets but i can’t bring myself to wash anything. i dont want her gone. my dad gathered up all of her toys, her fluorescent green bed, her water and food bowls and put them in the storage but i brought them to my room anyway. it makes me feel better.
i don’t know how to do this. i’ve never felt sadness like this before. it’s heavy and exhausting and i cry at every little thing. i’m a mess and i wanna forget or wake up or just stop. she was only four months, just a baby, my baby, our baby, but that’s exactly why it hurts so much i guess. my dad was with her when she went and i asked him about it. it was the saddest thing i’ve ever heard. he thinks she knew what was happening and that she clung to him, didnt want to let go. she licked his face right after he gave her to the vet and he thinks she was letting him know that it was okay. he said that it was really quick, she was gone in like two seconds, but that he knew exactly when everything stopped. it reminded him of when he lost his dad. he told me that she didnt even look like lulu. she was so small and so still. it wasnt her and she didnt feel a thing.
it’s only been a day and a half, but the pain is unbelievable. everything hurts and i don’t know how to deal with something like this. i’ve never had to. i know that eventually it will stop hurting so much, that her smell will gradually fade away, that i will probably start to forget, but right now, i feel like dying.
