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So, I'm once again in need of some relationship advice. Maybe some of you out there have had similar experiences and can let me in on some secrets of what happens to a relationship after the initial passion starts to fade and day to day life takes over
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What you need is not a change in the relationship, it's a change in your standards, in how you judge what is "healthy" at this stage of the relationship.
He's always sweet and kind when I'm upset, and he comes over when I'm sick. He makes me dinner. More often than not, he goes out of his way to make my life easier, even though his life is very busy and stressful. He has a lot of work to do; his car has been broken down for months; he doesn't have time to get a job so he has no money. Still, he does his best and usually shows me great affection and love. He gives me his coat when it's cold; he tells me when he appreciates things I do. As far as boyfriends go, he's definitely wonderful, understanding, and supportive.
This sounds like someone who cares VERY VERY much for you.
Your relationship has moved out of the stage where you both have to spend so much time reassuring one another that you care, and into a stage where a certian amount of "He/she cares for me" is just ASSUMED. Taken for granted. Yes, that seems like a bad thing, when viewed next to the 'honeymoon' stages of other peoples relationships.
BUT
There is a certian level of comfort, of security, of KNOWING, even without being constantly reminded, that there is someone in the world that DOES care for you. It means that he is now trusting you to be there for him and believing, without having to be constantly reminded, that you DO love him, and expecting you to trust and believe the same. He's putting his faith in you that even though he doesn't have time to pamper you or reassure you of his love in big, obvious, show ways ever day, or several times a day, you are secure enough in his love and you love him enough that you are not going to desert him.
He's still honoring you, Heather, and he's honoring you in a way that I think is more flattering than "You look beautiful today." He's honoring you with an unspoken "I believe you are really SERIOUS about this relationship, secure enough and mature enough in my love and this relationship that you don't need CONSTANT reminders to keep you from growing disenchanted and leaving." Because he's STILL doing things to honor you and show you love, you said so yourself. He's just not doing them as often, because he assumes that you have a certian level of security that comes when you've been with someone for long enough to really call it a long term relationship.
So, your relationship has moved into it's adolescence, and you have a choice. Do you accept the new mature relationship and grow with it, learn to appreciate it for what it is, comfortable and secure, and still containing a lot of love, even with somewhat less of the constantly reassuring ego strokes that the 'honeymoon stage' provides, or do you decide that the only thing that feels "right" to you is the fairy tale "honeymoon-like" relationship, and go out and start over with someone else?
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The flattery, the phone calls, the text messages, they were all just a song and dance. That kind of "passion" fades over time because by now, it's supposed to have served it's purpose. It's purpose was to convince you that he really cared for you enough to pursue a relationship with deeper meaning. That's the real passion. Knowing that someone cares for you deeply, cares for your comfort, your well being, your happiness. Anyone can wine you and dine you and put on a show for you. Not everyone is going to stay around afterwards and really LOVE you.
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I've never really had a relationship get to this stage. It's my first time, and all I have to go by is what I see around me and what I've experienced before. I dated Keith on and off for about five years, but as he's not a passionate person at all, I never experienced the passion "fading" because it was never really there to start with. While I've heard that the sparks fizzling a bit after a few months is normal in a relationship, I've never experienced it myself or understood WHY they fade. It just seemed very bad and sad.
But you're right--and other people have called it to my attention as well--about passion's purpose. I DO know that my passionate relationships have always been very unstable and uncertain. We play head games, we do dances, we fight simply so we can make up again. They were passionate relationships, but never stable. Never... LOVING. Just passionate.
You're so right. You're so right, and I couldn't see it myself because of my perspective on passion. But your perspective on passion is much better. Being needy and clingy for too long is unhealthy and unloving. And a more real, stronger passion is the passion in doing kind and loving things for each other even AFTER the initial sparks have calmed a bit.
You're right. You've said exactly what I needed to hear because without hearing it I just couldn't make sense of everything. Thank you. ::hugs:: Thank you, thank you.
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Well, every now and then I have to pop back in and let you know I still care for my little Uggets.
So many people that posted made such good points, and some of them even summarized the point I was making in MUCH shorter ways, which I admire. I do tend to run on and on a bit when I get wound up in caring about people. *hugs*
The point that so many of us made is that what you are experiencing is NOT a loss of passion, but rather, a deepening of infatuation into REAL LOVE. Kudos to everyone that was able to make that point without taking three sets of comments to do it. *grins*
Every stage of a relationship is important, but I think few stages of a relationship are more critical than the one you have just entered. When a relationship starts to move beyone infatuation into the real, many couples DO lose the relationship for the very reason you posted about, that it often feels like a "pulling away". Now is the BEST time to lay a firm foundation for a strong relationship by learning to appreciate your partner on a deeper level, learning to relish those gestures that are so much a part of the everyday that it's tempting to take them for granted, and that goes for both of you. It's the best time to start building a relationship full of real love and sincere caring, with just enough infatuated passion to keep it interesting.
Just like thegreyghost indicated, in a stable, loving relationship, "courting" or "infatuation" or "passion" or "romantic gestures-whatever you want to call it-it's the SPICE of the relationship. The "meal" is much better with a little spice thrown in, but you wouldn't want to make a meal of JUST spice, then you'd be missing out on the real meat of the matter, you know?
Sometimes, it really IS all about perspective, baby girl. That's one of the things I really like about the (sometimes overly emo) LJ community, is that occasionally, I get to benefit from someone elses perspectives, learn from someone else's mistakes, rather than having to rely entirely on my own sometimes skewed perspective on things. So don't be too perfuse with your gratitude, you're very welcome, of course, but you would have done as much for me if the situations were reversed (or at least I like to think so).
*hugs* Good luck with this relationship, chica. It seems to have SO much potential right now, and I hope it brings you all the happiness you deserve!
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I mean, don't get me wrong, I stand behind all that I've said, and I firmly believe all my points to be perfectly valid, but the fact that I'm sitting at home alone writing this, while across town, my soon-to-be-ex-husband, the cheater that I saw fit to marry not once but TWICE, is for all intents and purposes living with his girlfriend...
Somehow I find that somewhat more ironic than rain on your wedding day...or whatever else passes for irony these days =p
(Note: This is not a pity party or sympathy troll. I actually find it amusing. The whole concept appeals to my completely twisted sense of humor.)
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