[Yeah, when he hears Gamzee's voice from downstairs, and the way it doesn't sound right at all, he doesn't even bother knocking. He opens the door and comes right in, only to see Gamzee passed out in a sopor daze against the wall.
He's seen Gamzee after eating too many of his pies before, but judging by the number of tins on the ground, this is something different. He crouches down next to him and starts hitting him on the cheek, trying to get him to come back to consciousness.]
[He's three sweeps old again, feeling the sting of waves slapping against his cheek, pulling him under into an abyss of cold and dark. Drowning. He's drowning, and he'd just wanted to follow his lusus for once, to stay with him for a little while longer and see what it is exactly that keeps him away from his charge so often. Maybe if he knew what kept dragging his guardian away, he'd also be able to figure out how to make him stay, except now it's too late and he's going to die out here in this fucking sea, freezing and terrified and alone and it isn't fair it isn't--
On the outside, there's no reaction, except Gamzee's breaths have become panicked gasps and he's making weak, flailing motions, trying to keep his head above the water.]
[Well. Hitting isn't working. In fact, he just seems to be making things worse. He considers shaking Gamzee, but this isn't just about the sopor haze. He's clearly also battling the same thing Karkat was earlier, so that might only make things worse depending on what it is that actually scares Gamzee.
Instead, he's just going to try to pap him until he calms down, stroking his face and his hair.]
[He leans into the touch, eyes falling shut and breathing slowing down as a sense of comfort washes over him, and he's felt this somewhere before....
He opens his eyes again and sees iridescent white scales, a bright figure looming large above him. His tongue feels unnaturally thick in his mouth and he can't get his body to move the way he wants, but he tries anyway, making an aborted and desperate sound in his throat as he weakly grabs at what he thinks is a tail and is actually Karkat's sleeve.]
[He doesn't know what Gamzee's seeing, but he smiles at the response, not bothering to hide how he feels behind a wall of irritation when there's no one here who can see him.]
I won't. I'm not going anywhere, shithead.
[With Gamzee trying to grab on to him, he stops shooshpapping and just pulls him into a hug.]
[He doesn't react to the hug, his eyes staring at some point above Karkat's shoulder. In his mind, the tail flicks impatiently and his hand drops, disappointment etched in his face, knowing it'll be weeks or maybe even perigrees before he sees him again.]
I really...
[Word. There's a word he's looking for here, a word that encompasses everything he's feeling and has felt for his entire life, watching that great white silhouette swim away from him. It's not one he uses often and he's having trouble remembering it, something that describes the anger and bitterness and rejection and loneliness clouding his thoughts, clawing their way past the sopor. It's been a long while since he's felt this awful, since he hurled rocks into the water and screamed at the sea to give his lusus back.]
[His smile drops; he knows Gamzee isn't fully aware of him right now, and he'd like to think that Gamzee is imagining someone else. But he can't be sure of that; he certainly couldn't blame Gamzee if he did resent him.
Still, he hooked his arms underneath Gamzee's and starts to stand, attempting to hoist him to his feet so he can move him to the bed.]
[He feels his lusus draw away from him and panics, terrified that this might finally be the moment where he drives his guardian away for good, where he doesn't come back again. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that he's being ridiculous, that he just needs to have faith, but it's so hard to do that when he can't even remember what he's supposed to believe in anymore.]
Sorry, I didn't mean it. I don't. I can't. I just...
[The cocktail of drugs in his system is having a strange effect on him. The shrooms are bringing to the surface emotions and thoughts and feelings that he thought he buried a long time ago, that he doesn't even know exists; the sopor prevents him from reacting violently, creating a sense of detachment strong enough that he doesn't care about what he's saying. It's ironic that in the throes of a powerful hallucinogenic drug, Gamzee's actually more honest with himself than he's ever been.]
I love you so much, and sometimes it's like you don't even motherfuckin' notice or care, and it hurts.
[He still doesn't know if Gamzee is talking to him, but it doesn't matter. He continues trying to drag him to the bed; it's difficult since Gamzee isn't cooperating and is taller and heavier than he is.]
[He follows Karkat blindly, sinking down into the bed, still not looking directly at him.]
I wish...you'd at least tell a brother where the motherfuck it is you go all those perigrees. [and then maybe we can destroy it whispers a voice behind the green green fog in his thoughts.]
[Oh. Part of him is relieved Gamzee isn't talking to him, but not as relieved as he thought he would be, because he just feels bad. At least if this was about him, he could fix it, he could be a better friend and try to be more honest. But there's nothing for him to fix about this.
He pulls him into a more comfortable position, propping his head up on pillows so he won't accidentally choke on his tongue or something, and continues just talking in a soothing voice even if Gamzee isn't listening.]
[It's not a sound of acknowledgement or agreement, just a low sigh as he watches his lusus swim away again. Not that he'd expected anything else - nothing he says ever makes a difference, and eventually he'd just stopped, reasoning that it was better to smile and enjoy what he had instead of constantly being disappointed.
He hugs his legs towards him and closes his eyes, listening to the waves crash onto the empty shore.]
[He watches the ceiling listlessly, too wound up to sleep but too drugged out to do anything else, swallowing occasionally when the pounding and whispers in his head get especially bad.]
[He doesn't know how much time passes, but eventually the effects of both drugs start to recede enough for him to tell there's someone else here. He instinctively squeezes the hand in his back, tilting his head over and blinking a little.]
He's seen Gamzee after eating too many of his pies before, but judging by the number of tins on the ground, this is something different. He crouches down next to him and starts hitting him on the cheek, trying to get him to come back to consciousness.]
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On the outside, there's no reaction, except Gamzee's breaths have become panicked gasps and he's making weak, flailing motions, trying to keep his head above the water.]
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Instead, he's just going to try to pap him until he calms down, stroking his face and his hair.]
Shhhh, Gamzee.
It's all right. Can you hear me?
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He opens his eyes again and sees iridescent white scales, a bright figure looming large above him. His tongue feels unnaturally thick in his mouth and he can't get his body to move the way he wants, but he tries anyway, making an aborted and desperate sound in his throat as he weakly grabs at what he thinks is a tail and is actually Karkat's sleeve.]
Don't go yet. Please.
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I won't. I'm not going anywhere, shithead.
[With Gamzee trying to grab on to him, he stops shooshpapping and just pulls him into a hug.]
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I really...
[Word. There's a word he's looking for here, a word that encompasses everything he's feeling and has felt for his entire life, watching that great white silhouette swim away from him. It's not one he uses often and he's having trouble remembering it, something that describes the anger and bitterness and rejection and loneliness clouding his thoughts, clawing their way past the sopor. It's been a long while since he's felt this awful, since he hurled rocks into the water and screamed at the sea to give his lusus back.]
...hate you sometimes.
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Still, he hooked his arms underneath Gamzee's and starts to stand, attempting to hoist him to his feet so he can move him to the bed.]
Shhh. That's okay. Come on.
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Sorry, I didn't mean it. I don't. I can't. I just...
[The cocktail of drugs in his system is having a strange effect on him. The shrooms are bringing to the surface emotions and thoughts and feelings that he thought he buried a long time ago, that he doesn't even know exists; the sopor prevents him from reacting violently, creating a sense of detachment strong enough that he doesn't care about what he's saying. It's ironic that in the throes of a powerful hallucinogenic drug, Gamzee's actually more honest with himself than he's ever been.]
I love you so much, and sometimes it's like you don't even motherfuckin' notice or care, and it hurts.
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I care. Can you hear me?
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I wish...you'd at least tell a brother where the motherfuck it is you go all those perigrees. [and then maybe we can destroy it whispers a voice behind the green green fog in his thoughts.]
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He pulls him into a more comfortable position, propping his head up on pillows so he won't accidentally choke on his tongue or something, and continues just talking in a soothing voice even if Gamzee isn't listening.]
I know.
It's going to be okay.
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[It's not a sound of acknowledgement or agreement, just a low sigh as he watches his lusus swim away again. Not that he'd expected anything else - nothing he says ever makes a difference, and eventually he'd just stopped, reasoning that it was better to smile and enjoy what he had instead of constantly being disappointed.
He hugs his legs towards him and closes his eyes, listening to the waves crash onto the empty shore.]
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...best friend?
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