Impasse/AAO!verse One-shot Entry #3: The Diary
"The Diary"
By: music_loner
RATING: PG-13
PAIRINGS: HanHae, TeukHae, Takki/Donghae, Takki/Eeteuk
NOTES: Written for miracleshining's "Impasse/AAO!verse" One-shot competition. All character represents are hers.
Donghae sighed as he flipped open the small diary, the pages of which were yellowed and tattered. The leather binding was cracked and peeling. He had held it near and dear to his heart for so many years it was hard to part from it. He tiptoed down the hallway, his fist connecting with the oak of a door as he knocked softly.
“Come in,” Hankyung’s quiet breath was like music to his ears, yet this time he couldn’t help but be nervous. He walked in; hands wringing his already stretched sleeves. Hankyung waited patiently, his long, elegant legs crossed causally across the soft, made up bed. He leaned up against the wall, his eyes gentle as Donghae squirmed as though under pressure.
“Here,” Hankyung looked down at the object Donghae was thrusting into his face, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.
“What is it?” Hankyung questioned softly, pulling the thin wrist until Donghae fell onto him.
“It’s me,” Donghae replied, his eyes unable to connect with his lover’s. Hankyung pulled him close, arm wrapping around his slim waist protectively.
“We will wait until your ready,” Hankyung told him, curling Donghae’s fingers back around the small object.
“But I am,” Donghae whimpered, hot tears cascading down his cheeks.
“Then why are you crying?” Hankyung questioned softly, hand brushing away the steady stream of tears.
“I’m scared you won’t like me anymore,” Donghae said softly, his hands tracing patterns up the others arm, and making Hankyung shiver.
“That will never ever happen,” Hankyung assured him, as he placed delicate kisses to the mop of brown hair in front of him.
“Read it, ok Hannie?” Donghae told him, before he stood up, hands brushing away the relentless stream of tears. Hankyung watched him turn on his heel and slip out of the room; the diary had been left on the nightstand.
Hankyung sighed, before he picked it up, fingers skimming the open the pages and landing on the first one. He recognized the writing, it was neither Donghae’s nor Takki’s, but instead Teukie’s, no, Jungsu his mind corrected. He had been Jungsu then.
August 25
The gunshot reverberated in my mind, the sound coming off louder than I had once thought possible. My arm shook as I lowered the gun; I turned on my heel, pulling his hood tighter around my face and slipping into the shadows of the night.
The chilled air bit at my skin, but it wasn’t an unwelcome feeling. The harsh conditions were a warm welcome; they reminded me that I was still alive. I spared one last lingering look over my shoulder before disappearing.
I slammed the door behind me in our shared apartment, the bile rising in my throat. My first instinct was to look around, taking note of the darkness that lingered and the silence that ensued. Takki wasn’t home yet. I slumped down the wall in defeat before flicking on the TV.
There was a news report running and my ears picked up at the name of the district. It the district Takki was in, my heartbeat sped up and I frowned. There was chaos there, something was wrong; I could feel it in my heart. I listened closely, as the news reporter told of the blood shed and the carnage from that area of town.
The clock ticked in the background, the sound deafening to my ears, it reminded me of how alone I really was. The front door opened with a click, and I shot up, my eyes scanning the area as I slipped into the shadows, my killer instinct taking over.
I watched as the shadow’s hand slipped up and flicked on the light switch. Takki’s silhouette was illuminated by the soft glow of the light. I inhaled sharply at the sight of the man, Takki’s face was pale and he staggered over to the couch and he dropped down onto it.
“Takki,” I remember whispering, my body shooting out of the shadows and coming to stand beside him.
“Teukie,” Takki grinned a Cheshire cat smile, as he winced in pain.
“What happened?” Elegant fingers reached up to brush away a strand of hair as I listened to the choked whisper.
“Things got messy, but I’m okay. A few minor cuts and bruises, but other than that, it was the anxiety of getting caught and being chased.” I nodded before standing up.
“I was worried.”
“Don’t be. This sort of thing happens all the time.”
“I know, but still. I lie awake at night wondering if you’re all right, wondering if tonight’s the night you don’t come home.” Takki sighed, nothing was ever going to change.
“Teukie…”
“I can’t do this, Takki. I can’t sit here waiting for you to come back when I’m done with my mission.”
“It’s the same for me,” Takki told him, “ I worry too, I’ve seen what this job does to people, I’ve been in it long enough to know.” I sat, stunned into silence as Takki’s words settled in. He was right; we had both seen too much, there was no way this would work, could work. We had both seen too much, knew too much, there was no way we couldn’t worry.
“Takki...”
“Yeah?”
“Do you see us working out in the future?”
“Do you?” Takki asked, as his eyebrows rose questioningly. I felt my head nod negatively, and our eyes locked. Takki beckoned me forward with one elegant finger.
“So it’s over then?” I questioned softly, not quite believing the words that tumbled from my mouth.
“Yes, but it doesn’t mean that I’ll love you any less,” Takki reassured me, and I smiled before our lips melded together in a bittersweet, last kiss.
Hankyung stopped reading, his heart clenching painfully for the pair that never really had the chance, well until now. He flipped the page with a pointer finger, noticing that the print on this page was different. It was sloppier, not quite as elegant as Teukie’s had been and not as neat as Donghae’s.
September
I was lonely after the loss of my lover and long time friend Teukie. I realized that, but at the same time I had gathered that it was for the best. We would have never made it, our profession did not allow for us to sleep soundly beside each other. It had been a few of the longest and hardest months I had ever endured, but I had done it.
November
Today, as I was walking down the street, I came across a small, shivering bundle. The boy was huddled up under a clump of faded, torn, and dirty newspapers. I walked over, my curiosity getting the best of me. What I saw made my heart clench painfully, as I kneeled down next to the small boy. He had a streak of dirt across the bridge of his nose. He had curled himself tightly into a ball, and his body shook violently, the newspapers doing little to protect him from the bitter cold of the evening wind.
I frowned as I reached out a hand, brushing away a few strands of hair. It deepened as I realized that the boy’s forehead was warm. Thinking quickly, I shrugged out of my jacket and draped it over the boy in front of me. The contact emitted a whimper from the kid on the ground, I smiled softly, hands wrapping around the boy’s waist and under his knees.
I carried him home, shielding the bundle from the ferocious wind. I somehow managed to balance his weight as I unlocked the front door. I smiled down at him as I gently laid him down on the couch, bundling him up in thick, luscious quilts.
I sat next to him, tenderly caressing the brown locks of hair and dabbing his forehead periodically with a cold compress.
When he awoke, he was warm, something that I presumed didn’t happen very often, given his very disoriented look. He glanced around the homey flat. It was colorful, the walls had an assortment of posters and a large DVD rack. I watched quietly from the doorway as he shot up, hands going up to rub the sleep out of his eyes. He stood and wandered around, his fingers skimming over the binds of movies. They moved smoothly under his fingers and the coolness of the plastic made him shiver.
“You’re up,” I whispered, trying not to scare the boy. My plan was unsuccessful, I realized, as he whirled around, tripping and falling to the floor. I was there in an instant, helping him up and bringing him back towards the couch.
“Who are you?”
“My name is Takki. I found you under some newspapers, in an alley a few blocks from here.”
“How long have I been sleeping?” he asked softly, head tilted to the side, brown locks of hair falling into his eyes and framing his face.
“Three days, you had a fever. Are you hungry?” I questioned softly, my tone delicate so that he wouldn’t be afraid as I reached out to brush away a few stray strands of his hair. The boy unconsciously leaned into the touch, making me chuckle lightly. He shrugged off the question, looking at me warily. Deciding to take matters into my own hands, I stood up, extending my hand and waiting for the younger, more hesitant boy. I watched as the emotions contorted on his face, as he inwardly debated with himself. Then his stomach growled, and he silently placed his hand into my bigger one. I tugged him up onto his feet, pulling him gently towards the kitchen, before sitting him down in a seat at my small, yet roomy dining table.
I chuckled, my hand coming up to scratch blonde strands, before looking over at Donghae guilty.
“Um… Well, what would you like…?”
“Donghae,” The whisper was so small that I almost hadn’t heard it. I smiled, before continuing to rummage the bare cupboards, sometimes I missed Teukie a little more than I realized.
“I can make ramen, does that sound alright to you, Donghae?” I questioned, making sure to look the smaller, more vulnerable male in the eyes. Donghae nodded his head eagerly, before sitting down at the table, his body tense for any sign of attack.
It wasn’t until after I had set the bowl of steaming hot ramen in front of him that he moved, his foot brushing up against mine under the table. He jerked back, knocking his drink onto his lap. I watched as his face fell in complete devastation. His lower lip trembled and tears welled up, as he started to repeat one phrase, one simple little phrase over, and over again.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” It was like a broken record, a mantra that he repeated, as if terrified he’d be lashed out at.
“It’s ok,” I watched in horror as he continued, his eyes wide with panic, head flinging side-to-side, dark brown tresses swinging in his eyes. Thinking quickly, I grabbed his thin wrists, pulling them away from the sides of his head and pulling him into a warm embrace. My hands immediately smoothed up and down his back, as I cooed gently in his ear.
“Shhh it’s ok. No one is mad at you. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I tried my best to reassure him, I wasn’t the best, being your typical male. He calmed down, his sobs breaking into small, sniffling hiccups. I rocked him back and forth, feeling his fingers clench and unclench around the bunched up fabric on my chest. After he had calmed down, I brought him back to the bedroom and gave him some dry sweatpants, before scooping out an extra heap of ramen.
Hankyung closed the book, clutching it to his chest. He set it down and stood up; long legs cracking as he did so. He opened the door, after taking care to hide the journal under his pillow. He found Donghae lounging on the couch, his arms wrapped around his knees and staring at the blank TV screen. Hankyung plopped down next to him and pulled him up into his lap.
“Did you reread it?” Donghae nodded his head, his small fingers clutching onto broad shoulders that offered him so much stability in his life.
“Uhuh.”
“Don’t be upset by your past Donghae, instead look at how far you’ve come,” Hankyung whispered, nibbling on the offered lobe before him. Donghae shuddered, before pulling back and kissing the lips waiting for his. Hankyung leaned up and met him halfway, their mouths fusing together in a short, sweet kiss. Donghae dropped his head, panting and listening to the steady beating of Hankyung’s heart.
Hankyung tucked him into bed; he pulled the covers up under his smaller lovers chin. He leaned down and placed a kiss on his cheek. He glowed at his perfect little angel.
He slipped the diary off the nightstand before sitting down Indian style on the floor beside their bed. His fingers skimmed to the next post.
Mid November
Donghae has been living with me for a couple of weeks now. I am providing and tutoring him. He’s eager to learn and takes away the sting of loneliness. I hate leaving his slumbering figure behind when I’m on missions at night.
It’s hard to leave him, so peaceful, his face serene, and his breathing slow and shallow. He is beautiful and perfect. He completes me, he’s everything good in my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It was hard to leave him, but I had too, it was how he earned a living. It was how I paid for the clothes on Donghae’s back, and the food he ate. It was how I home schooled him and kept the promise in my heart to protect and cherish the small boy who was now sleeping.
December
It was snowing out, as Donghae kindly reminded me. He smiled happily, bouncing near the window.
“Can we go out hyung, please, please, please?” Donghae begged from his place by the window. I chuckled, and he looked back at me, his eyes shining forward with hope. How could I say no to the pout that graced those pretty features.
I beckoned him over, wrapping us both up in mittens, hats, and scarves, before opening the door. We walked towards the park, my eyes lingered over the spot where I’d found him a couple months ago. I knew deep down that he wouldn’t be alive if I hadn’t found him.
I laughed, my attention diverted as he dropped into the snow and made a snow angel. It reminded me of him. There were snowflakes stuck in his hair and his entire face radiated happiness, even his eyes seemed to be smiling at me.
We made a snowman and went for a walk before sitting down on a bench in the park. Donghae laid his head on my shoulder, his breathing evening out and I chuckled, realizing that he had fallen asleep, and that I couldn’t wake him.
I picked him up, my footsteps careful, so as not to step on ice all the way home.
Christmas Eve
I had never seen someone so excited over this holiday. The entire week before, he had run around the house, decorating everything from head to toe. Who was I to break the holiday spirit? I got a tree and let him decorate it.
It was fun to watch him, his tedious efforts to make it the prettiest tree in the world and the look of pure concentration on his face, with just a hint of tongue peeking out every time. My feelings are growing for him, in more than a brotherly way. Would he hate me if I told him?
Christmas Day
I was awoken by a loud, “HYUNG,” and an added weight to my torso and legs. I cracked open my eye and smiled at the sight. Donghae was clinging to my pj’s, his eyes lit up like our Christmas tree. I smiled, letting him tug me to the living room.
He squealed at the presents that had been spread out, before looking up at me. I handed him one, watching as he ripped it open, the bow coming off. I stuck it on his head, laughing at his carefree giggles.
After all the presents were unwrapped, he shyly pulled out a present that was covered in tape and three layers of paper. He bashfully held it out to me with a blush on his cheeks.
I ruffled his hair as I took it from him. I opened it carefully, with Donghae half-nervous, half-excited to see my reaction. I pulled out my card and smiled. There in it was a drawing of us and for once, he drew himself with a smile.
Hankyung smiled sadly at the boy lying in the bed. He had been through so much. It pained him to read this, to know that Donghae was happy with Takki, but he knew that all these yellow, tattered pages hid darker, deeper secrets, secrets that caused him pain instead of happiness.
January
I came home later than usual. Donghae was up when I stumbled in. I hadn’t wanted him to see me like this. I had blood on my hands and I was bleeding from my head. Donghae gasped and helped me to the couch, his eyes sad and his expression was heartbroken.
“Hyun,g what happened?”
“Nothing Donghae, don’t worry about it, ok?” I leaned forward, biting back a groan and schooling my expression to hide the wince on my face. I kissed his forehead and rubbed his back. Don’t worry Haehae, I’ll take care of you.
February
The neighbors had been fighting a lot lately. Donghae hated when people yelled, it brought up past memories that he had fought so hard to bury. I was hesitant to leave him, because when they fought he had cried, and I had held him and calmed him down, but work called.
I left, after checking the lock three or four times. When I came back, Donghae was still sleeping. I showered and changed, climbing into bed to write in here for a little bit, when I heard the pitter patter of feet. My first instinct was for the gun I concealed under my mattress, but then I heard a familiar whimper.
Donghae was up and standing in the doorway; his eyes were wide and terrified.
“Hyung…”
“Yes haehae?” My voice was soft and gentle, hoping it would calm him down.
“I had a nightmare,” He whimpered, and I smiled and patted the bed beside me. He crawled in and cuddled into my side. My arms immediately went around him, pulling him closer so I could decorate his hair with soft butterfly kisses.
This is the beginning of something new.
Hankyung cleared his throat, he trembled slightly, as he knew what was going to come, and this is where they fell in love. It would be hard, but hadn’t Donghae listened to him talk about Siwon before? Besides, Donghae was his and he was Donghae’s and no one could ever change that.
April
Today I came home to find Donghae curled up on the couch. He looked so cute with his long hair hanging in his face. I turned my back on him with a smile as I walked into the kitchen. Usually he wasn’t a light sleeper, or maybe I was loud, but the next thing I knew was arms were around me and he was nuzzling into my back. I smiled before turning around and guiding him backwards. He hit the counter gently and looked up at me innocently, making me groan.
I picked him up, setting him on the counter and with one finger under his chin. I kissed him. Our mouths met, it was rough and messy, but I didn’t care. Donghae wasn’t sure how to react, but slowly with a little coaxing, he loosened up. His mouth responded sure and hesitant, and it was one of the best kisses of my life.
Hankyung swallowed back the lump in his throat, his hand coming up to stroke the silky, soft locks of hair in front of him. If he had been asked earlier, he might have said reading this would have made his dislike for Takki intensify, but they were at an agreement. The other man had risked his life so they could stay together, and for that, he was immensely grateful.
June
Donghae and I were in the park, the sun was scorching, and as Donghae pointed, out the pavement was hot enough to scramble eggs on, which in return made me ruffle his hair.
“Takki hyung, push me?” Donghae asked quietly, his eyes shining and the light sheen of sweat making him glisten in the sparkling sunlight. The rays danced across his face, enhancing his beauty.
“Sure,” I pushed the swing, my tank top sticking to me in an uncomfortable way. I was drenched in sweat, but I would do this all day for Donghae.
“Hyung, stop and stand over there,” I did as I was told. I stopped and watched him leap off, instinctively I ran, arms coming up to catch him. He blinked at me, before laughing and kissing the tip of my nose. I leaned in to kiss his nose back and shivered.
“Cold?” Donghae asked me. I nodded, before kissing his nose once more, it was cold like a puppy’s, but then again, Lee Donghae was loveable like a puppy.
July
“Hyung?” I was roused out of sleep, my mind was incoherent, all I knew was someone was calling my name.
“Ugh,” I moaned into the covers, face burrowing deeper.
“Hyung?” Another whimper was released from the boy in the doorway. I shot out of bed, realizing it wasn’t just in my nightmares.
“Yes?” I opened my eyes and the sight that met them nearly killed me. Donghae was standing in the doorway; his face reflected his devastation. He wrung his sleeves before bringing them up to his eyes, to dry them.
“I had a nightmare hyung, and the neighbors are yelling and...” Donghae sobbed. I stood up, collecting the boy in my arms and kissing all his fears away.
Hankyung shot up and curled up beside Donghae, placing tender kisses in his hair. Donghae had been so young then, so naïve and innocent in the book. It broke his heart that he hadn’t been there for him sooner, but then again maybe they wouldn’t be here today if he had.
October
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Donghae,
Happy birthday to you.
I watched him blow out the candles, his face radiating joy, and for once I couldn’t picture what my life would be like without him, what it had been like without him.
“What did you wish for?” I asked him later that night as my fingers skimmed up and down his arm, before I rested them in his palm. My fingers drew delicate patterns against his skin, before I joined our fingers together.
“I can’t tell you hyung,” He responded, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. I laughed at his cute expression and kissed him under the stars in the park, on top of the quilted blanket.
“Why not?” I asked, pulling him in between my legs and holding him close, back to chest, as I stroked his hair. I felt him yawn, heard him mewl adorably, as he clung to my arm and leaned into the soothing touch.
“‘Cause it won’t come true,” Donghae whispered. I nodded and pulled him closer, feeling him shivering in the quickly chilling air. I unfolded the spare blanket and draped it around his thin frame.
“How does it feel to be fourteen?”
“The same as thirteen, I’m only a day older than I was yesterday hyung,” He giggled, and the sound was like music to my ears.
“True,” I replied, watching as his eyes shone, the reflection of the stars painted in them, and it made my heart swell. He turned around to smile at me, and I couldn’t resist. I pulled him close, hands sliding into his back pockets and pulling him against me. I kissed him feverishly under the stars all night long, not caring about how it looked to any outsiders.
November
Donghae was curled up cutely on the couch when I arrived home from another mission. He had been upset that I left. I smiled and kissed him, tugging at his pants; his breath came out in short gasps and his eyes questioned softly.
“Relax, I’ll make it up to you I promise,” I whispered hotly in his ear, before dropping my head down to suck on his neck. He nodded and gasped louder as I dropped to my knees, hands coming up to stabilize his hips. His fingers wound into my hair and he mewled as I took him into my mouth.
He shook, his body going weak after a few pumps, and I chuckled as I carried him off to bed. He was so cute when he was sleepy. He clung to me, mumbling something about not leaving him anymore, and so I stayed. My fingers danced up his bare back, his body lurched forward, still sensitive from the intimate act we had just performed.
January
I pushed him onto the bed gently, always gently. I smiled and pressed kisses to his face and neck, showering and smothering him with my love. He trembled as we stripped, hands leaving fleeting, teasing touches that made both of us groan.
“I love you.”
“I love you too Takki,” He gasped, as I prepped him, slow and gentle, never rough or fast. I wanted him to remember this, wanted him to cherish his first time always.
His expressions fueled me on, until he was grinding back against me, eyebrows furrowed together.
“Fuck,” I laughed and twisted my fingers just right. His soon coherent, dirty talk turned into silent moans and screams. When I pushed into the tight confines of his heat, I kissed away the stray tears, and swallowed every gasp that left him with every sharp shallow thrust into him.
He’s beautiful when he’s writhing underneath you. His expressions, his noises, the way that he moves, every moment of it is just stunning.
Hankyung set the book down and curled up behind the younger boy, his hands stroking the bare flesh above his pant-line. Donghae shivered and smiled up at him, rubbing away the sleep.
“Donghae?”
“Hmm?”
“Tell me you love me.”
“I love you, I love you, I love you.” Donghae whispered, Hankyung nodded as he pushed him back onto the bed. Donghae smiled and propped himself up on his elbows, to brush his lips across his lover’s.
Hankyung and he made love in between the satin sheets of their bed. Donghae smiled up at him, spent and exhausted.
“Thank you,” Hankyung whispered, and Donghae smiled that giant, bubbly smile and buried his head into his chest.
“Only you, Hannie, only ever you,” Hankyung nodded mutely and watched as he drifted back off to bed. He hesitated before flipping the journal open once more.
April
Donghae,
If you are reading this, then I have already left. I am so sorry for not telling you why, but I hope you understand that it is for the best. I’ve always loved you, from the very beginning, when you spilt ramen on yourself. Do you remember that, Donghae? Do you? I do. You certainly have grown, both physically, and emotionally. My feelings for you have developed into something more. Something called love, and this is why I’ve left you Donghae, not because I’m scared of you or love, but of what could happen to us.
I am in trouble Donghae, and they will use someone to get to me, it’s hard this way, to be apart, after all our shared time together. I know it hurts, and I know, you’ll cry as you read this, but trust me, it’s for the best.
You may not see it now, but if anything ever happened to you, because of me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
So, for now we part, dear Haehae, but don’t worry, I’ll come back for you.
Love Takki…
P.S. Hae, Teukie will take good care of you until I do come back : )
Hankyung felt his chest constrict as he read the entry, and this is where it all fell apart. This is when Donghae closed himself off.
April
You were right Takki hyung…I don’t understand. I am angry. I am hurt. Why couldn’t you take me with you? I’ll wait for you, Takki hyung. That’s a promise.
May
Still no sign of you…
You haven’t called…
No letter…
You haven’t even shown up once.
How many tears do I need to cry, how long do I need to sit by the phone.
Takki, come back please.
June
Takki come back…. Please.
Hankyung flipped through the same words for 5 pages. They pulled at his heartstrings, how could anyone leave this loveable boy.
The last entry was from Teukie; it was something Hankyung had been interested in.
Donghae, I am not going to date this anymore. Thank you for staying with me this long. As much as it hurts for you to leave me, I knew it would happen one day. I hope you find love and happiness, like that which you have never experienced before.
Good luck pursuing Hankyung, I give you my blessing.
Hankyung smiled at Teukie’s kind words, he knew that the other man had secretly been crushed, but here he was, still wishing his younger lover well, because they were always lovers 3rd.
Hankyung opened up the book and grabbed the ballpoint pen off the nightstand. Hankyung laid both books beside Donghae when he was done; he kissed his forehead before going out to make breakfast. When Donghae awoke to two leather bound notebooks, he was surprised. He flipped open the new one and ran his fingers over the elegantly scrawled words.
Donghae ah,
My sea, my life, my world. Thank you for sharing this piece of you with me. All those emotions you had tucked away in pages has helped me gain more insight into your past.
Thank you, and always know I am here. I am not leaving.
I will not ask you to get rid of this valuable piece of yourself, but to make new memories, scrawl new words. This is forever a piece of you, and I want you to cherish it forever. I have started you off in a new chapter of your life. So I bought you a new book, a book with happier memories, you can share them if you like, but as long as I’m with you, forever and always, I won’t need to read it. I already have been there.
I love you,
Love Hankyung….
Only one thought came to mind and he hurriedly scrawled it down before laying it on Hankyung’s pillow and tucking the old one away, never to be seen again.
No, thank you.
By: music_loner
RATING: PG-13
PAIRINGS: HanHae, TeukHae, Takki/Donghae, Takki/Eeteuk
NOTES: Written for miracleshining's "Impasse/AAO!verse" One-shot competition. All character represents are hers.
Donghae sighed as he flipped open the small diary, the pages of which were yellowed and tattered. The leather binding was cracked and peeling. He had held it near and dear to his heart for so many years it was hard to part from it. He tiptoed down the hallway, his fist connecting with the oak of a door as he knocked softly.
“Come in,” Hankyung’s quiet breath was like music to his ears, yet this time he couldn’t help but be nervous. He walked in; hands wringing his already stretched sleeves. Hankyung waited patiently, his long, elegant legs crossed causally across the soft, made up bed. He leaned up against the wall, his eyes gentle as Donghae squirmed as though under pressure.
“Here,” Hankyung looked down at the object Donghae was thrusting into his face, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.
“What is it?” Hankyung questioned softly, pulling the thin wrist until Donghae fell onto him.
“It’s me,” Donghae replied, his eyes unable to connect with his lover’s. Hankyung pulled him close, arm wrapping around his slim waist protectively.
“We will wait until your ready,” Hankyung told him, curling Donghae’s fingers back around the small object.
“But I am,” Donghae whimpered, hot tears cascading down his cheeks.
“Then why are you crying?” Hankyung questioned softly, hand brushing away the steady stream of tears.
“I’m scared you won’t like me anymore,” Donghae said softly, his hands tracing patterns up the others arm, and making Hankyung shiver.
“That will never ever happen,” Hankyung assured him, as he placed delicate kisses to the mop of brown hair in front of him.
“Read it, ok Hannie?” Donghae told him, before he stood up, hands brushing away the relentless stream of tears. Hankyung watched him turn on his heel and slip out of the room; the diary had been left on the nightstand.
Hankyung sighed, before he picked it up, fingers skimming the open the pages and landing on the first one. He recognized the writing, it was neither Donghae’s nor Takki’s, but instead Teukie’s, no, Jungsu his mind corrected. He had been Jungsu then.
August 25
The gunshot reverberated in my mind, the sound coming off louder than I had once thought possible. My arm shook as I lowered the gun; I turned on my heel, pulling his hood tighter around my face and slipping into the shadows of the night.
The chilled air bit at my skin, but it wasn’t an unwelcome feeling. The harsh conditions were a warm welcome; they reminded me that I was still alive. I spared one last lingering look over my shoulder before disappearing.
I slammed the door behind me in our shared apartment, the bile rising in my throat. My first instinct was to look around, taking note of the darkness that lingered and the silence that ensued. Takki wasn’t home yet. I slumped down the wall in defeat before flicking on the TV.
There was a news report running and my ears picked up at the name of the district. It the district Takki was in, my heartbeat sped up and I frowned. There was chaos there, something was wrong; I could feel it in my heart. I listened closely, as the news reporter told of the blood shed and the carnage from that area of town.
The clock ticked in the background, the sound deafening to my ears, it reminded me of how alone I really was. The front door opened with a click, and I shot up, my eyes scanning the area as I slipped into the shadows, my killer instinct taking over.
I watched as the shadow’s hand slipped up and flicked on the light switch. Takki’s silhouette was illuminated by the soft glow of the light. I inhaled sharply at the sight of the man, Takki’s face was pale and he staggered over to the couch and he dropped down onto it.
“Takki,” I remember whispering, my body shooting out of the shadows and coming to stand beside him.
“Teukie,” Takki grinned a Cheshire cat smile, as he winced in pain.
“What happened?” Elegant fingers reached up to brush away a strand of hair as I listened to the choked whisper.
“Things got messy, but I’m okay. A few minor cuts and bruises, but other than that, it was the anxiety of getting caught and being chased.” I nodded before standing up.
“I was worried.”
“Don’t be. This sort of thing happens all the time.”
“I know, but still. I lie awake at night wondering if you’re all right, wondering if tonight’s the night you don’t come home.” Takki sighed, nothing was ever going to change.
“Teukie…”
“I can’t do this, Takki. I can’t sit here waiting for you to come back when I’m done with my mission.”
“It’s the same for me,” Takki told him, “ I worry too, I’ve seen what this job does to people, I’ve been in it long enough to know.” I sat, stunned into silence as Takki’s words settled in. He was right; we had both seen too much, there was no way this would work, could work. We had both seen too much, knew too much, there was no way we couldn’t worry.
“Takki...”
“Yeah?”
“Do you see us working out in the future?”
“Do you?” Takki asked, as his eyebrows rose questioningly. I felt my head nod negatively, and our eyes locked. Takki beckoned me forward with one elegant finger.
“So it’s over then?” I questioned softly, not quite believing the words that tumbled from my mouth.
“Yes, but it doesn’t mean that I’ll love you any less,” Takki reassured me, and I smiled before our lips melded together in a bittersweet, last kiss.
Hankyung stopped reading, his heart clenching painfully for the pair that never really had the chance, well until now. He flipped the page with a pointer finger, noticing that the print on this page was different. It was sloppier, not quite as elegant as Teukie’s had been and not as neat as Donghae’s.
September
I was lonely after the loss of my lover and long time friend Teukie. I realized that, but at the same time I had gathered that it was for the best. We would have never made it, our profession did not allow for us to sleep soundly beside each other. It had been a few of the longest and hardest months I had ever endured, but I had done it.
November
Today, as I was walking down the street, I came across a small, shivering bundle. The boy was huddled up under a clump of faded, torn, and dirty newspapers. I walked over, my curiosity getting the best of me. What I saw made my heart clench painfully, as I kneeled down next to the small boy. He had a streak of dirt across the bridge of his nose. He had curled himself tightly into a ball, and his body shook violently, the newspapers doing little to protect him from the bitter cold of the evening wind.
I frowned as I reached out a hand, brushing away a few strands of hair. It deepened as I realized that the boy’s forehead was warm. Thinking quickly, I shrugged out of my jacket and draped it over the boy in front of me. The contact emitted a whimper from the kid on the ground, I smiled softly, hands wrapping around the boy’s waist and under his knees.
I carried him home, shielding the bundle from the ferocious wind. I somehow managed to balance his weight as I unlocked the front door. I smiled down at him as I gently laid him down on the couch, bundling him up in thick, luscious quilts.
I sat next to him, tenderly caressing the brown locks of hair and dabbing his forehead periodically with a cold compress.
When he awoke, he was warm, something that I presumed didn’t happen very often, given his very disoriented look. He glanced around the homey flat. It was colorful, the walls had an assortment of posters and a large DVD rack. I watched quietly from the doorway as he shot up, hands going up to rub the sleep out of his eyes. He stood and wandered around, his fingers skimming over the binds of movies. They moved smoothly under his fingers and the coolness of the plastic made him shiver.
“You’re up,” I whispered, trying not to scare the boy. My plan was unsuccessful, I realized, as he whirled around, tripping and falling to the floor. I was there in an instant, helping him up and bringing him back towards the couch.
“Who are you?”
“My name is Takki. I found you under some newspapers, in an alley a few blocks from here.”
“How long have I been sleeping?” he asked softly, head tilted to the side, brown locks of hair falling into his eyes and framing his face.
“Three days, you had a fever. Are you hungry?” I questioned softly, my tone delicate so that he wouldn’t be afraid as I reached out to brush away a few stray strands of his hair. The boy unconsciously leaned into the touch, making me chuckle lightly. He shrugged off the question, looking at me warily. Deciding to take matters into my own hands, I stood up, extending my hand and waiting for the younger, more hesitant boy. I watched as the emotions contorted on his face, as he inwardly debated with himself. Then his stomach growled, and he silently placed his hand into my bigger one. I tugged him up onto his feet, pulling him gently towards the kitchen, before sitting him down in a seat at my small, yet roomy dining table.
I chuckled, my hand coming up to scratch blonde strands, before looking over at Donghae guilty.
“Um… Well, what would you like…?”
“Donghae,” The whisper was so small that I almost hadn’t heard it. I smiled, before continuing to rummage the bare cupboards, sometimes I missed Teukie a little more than I realized.
“I can make ramen, does that sound alright to you, Donghae?” I questioned, making sure to look the smaller, more vulnerable male in the eyes. Donghae nodded his head eagerly, before sitting down at the table, his body tense for any sign of attack.
It wasn’t until after I had set the bowl of steaming hot ramen in front of him that he moved, his foot brushing up against mine under the table. He jerked back, knocking his drink onto his lap. I watched as his face fell in complete devastation. His lower lip trembled and tears welled up, as he started to repeat one phrase, one simple little phrase over, and over again.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” It was like a broken record, a mantra that he repeated, as if terrified he’d be lashed out at.
“It’s ok,” I watched in horror as he continued, his eyes wide with panic, head flinging side-to-side, dark brown tresses swinging in his eyes. Thinking quickly, I grabbed his thin wrists, pulling them away from the sides of his head and pulling him into a warm embrace. My hands immediately smoothed up and down his back, as I cooed gently in his ear.
“Shhh it’s ok. No one is mad at you. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I tried my best to reassure him, I wasn’t the best, being your typical male. He calmed down, his sobs breaking into small, sniffling hiccups. I rocked him back and forth, feeling his fingers clench and unclench around the bunched up fabric on my chest. After he had calmed down, I brought him back to the bedroom and gave him some dry sweatpants, before scooping out an extra heap of ramen.
Hankyung closed the book, clutching it to his chest. He set it down and stood up; long legs cracking as he did so. He opened the door, after taking care to hide the journal under his pillow. He found Donghae lounging on the couch, his arms wrapped around his knees and staring at the blank TV screen. Hankyung plopped down next to him and pulled him up into his lap.
“Did you reread it?” Donghae nodded his head, his small fingers clutching onto broad shoulders that offered him so much stability in his life.
“Uhuh.”
“Don’t be upset by your past Donghae, instead look at how far you’ve come,” Hankyung whispered, nibbling on the offered lobe before him. Donghae shuddered, before pulling back and kissing the lips waiting for his. Hankyung leaned up and met him halfway, their mouths fusing together in a short, sweet kiss. Donghae dropped his head, panting and listening to the steady beating of Hankyung’s heart.
Hankyung tucked him into bed; he pulled the covers up under his smaller lovers chin. He leaned down and placed a kiss on his cheek. He glowed at his perfect little angel.
He slipped the diary off the nightstand before sitting down Indian style on the floor beside their bed. His fingers skimmed to the next post.
Mid November
Donghae has been living with me for a couple of weeks now. I am providing and tutoring him. He’s eager to learn and takes away the sting of loneliness. I hate leaving his slumbering figure behind when I’m on missions at night.
It’s hard to leave him, so peaceful, his face serene, and his breathing slow and shallow. He is beautiful and perfect. He completes me, he’s everything good in my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It was hard to leave him, but I had too, it was how he earned a living. It was how I paid for the clothes on Donghae’s back, and the food he ate. It was how I home schooled him and kept the promise in my heart to protect and cherish the small boy who was now sleeping.
December
It was snowing out, as Donghae kindly reminded me. He smiled happily, bouncing near the window.
“Can we go out hyung, please, please, please?” Donghae begged from his place by the window. I chuckled, and he looked back at me, his eyes shining forward with hope. How could I say no to the pout that graced those pretty features.
I beckoned him over, wrapping us both up in mittens, hats, and scarves, before opening the door. We walked towards the park, my eyes lingered over the spot where I’d found him a couple months ago. I knew deep down that he wouldn’t be alive if I hadn’t found him.
I laughed, my attention diverted as he dropped into the snow and made a snow angel. It reminded me of him. There were snowflakes stuck in his hair and his entire face radiated happiness, even his eyes seemed to be smiling at me.
We made a snowman and went for a walk before sitting down on a bench in the park. Donghae laid his head on my shoulder, his breathing evening out and I chuckled, realizing that he had fallen asleep, and that I couldn’t wake him.
I picked him up, my footsteps careful, so as not to step on ice all the way home.
Christmas Eve
I had never seen someone so excited over this holiday. The entire week before, he had run around the house, decorating everything from head to toe. Who was I to break the holiday spirit? I got a tree and let him decorate it.
It was fun to watch him, his tedious efforts to make it the prettiest tree in the world and the look of pure concentration on his face, with just a hint of tongue peeking out every time. My feelings are growing for him, in more than a brotherly way. Would he hate me if I told him?
Christmas Day
I was awoken by a loud, “HYUNG,” and an added weight to my torso and legs. I cracked open my eye and smiled at the sight. Donghae was clinging to my pj’s, his eyes lit up like our Christmas tree. I smiled, letting him tug me to the living room.
He squealed at the presents that had been spread out, before looking up at me. I handed him one, watching as he ripped it open, the bow coming off. I stuck it on his head, laughing at his carefree giggles.
After all the presents were unwrapped, he shyly pulled out a present that was covered in tape and three layers of paper. He bashfully held it out to me with a blush on his cheeks.
I ruffled his hair as I took it from him. I opened it carefully, with Donghae half-nervous, half-excited to see my reaction. I pulled out my card and smiled. There in it was a drawing of us and for once, he drew himself with a smile.
Hankyung smiled sadly at the boy lying in the bed. He had been through so much. It pained him to read this, to know that Donghae was happy with Takki, but he knew that all these yellow, tattered pages hid darker, deeper secrets, secrets that caused him pain instead of happiness.
January
I came home later than usual. Donghae was up when I stumbled in. I hadn’t wanted him to see me like this. I had blood on my hands and I was bleeding from my head. Donghae gasped and helped me to the couch, his eyes sad and his expression was heartbroken.
“Hyun,g what happened?”
“Nothing Donghae, don’t worry about it, ok?” I leaned forward, biting back a groan and schooling my expression to hide the wince on my face. I kissed his forehead and rubbed his back. Don’t worry Haehae, I’ll take care of you.
February
The neighbors had been fighting a lot lately. Donghae hated when people yelled, it brought up past memories that he had fought so hard to bury. I was hesitant to leave him, because when they fought he had cried, and I had held him and calmed him down, but work called.
I left, after checking the lock three or four times. When I came back, Donghae was still sleeping. I showered and changed, climbing into bed to write in here for a little bit, when I heard the pitter patter of feet. My first instinct was for the gun I concealed under my mattress, but then I heard a familiar whimper.
Donghae was up and standing in the doorway; his eyes were wide and terrified.
“Hyung…”
“Yes haehae?” My voice was soft and gentle, hoping it would calm him down.
“I had a nightmare,” He whimpered, and I smiled and patted the bed beside me. He crawled in and cuddled into my side. My arms immediately went around him, pulling him closer so I could decorate his hair with soft butterfly kisses.
This is the beginning of something new.
Hankyung cleared his throat, he trembled slightly, as he knew what was going to come, and this is where they fell in love. It would be hard, but hadn’t Donghae listened to him talk about Siwon before? Besides, Donghae was his and he was Donghae’s and no one could ever change that.
April
Today I came home to find Donghae curled up on the couch. He looked so cute with his long hair hanging in his face. I turned my back on him with a smile as I walked into the kitchen. Usually he wasn’t a light sleeper, or maybe I was loud, but the next thing I knew was arms were around me and he was nuzzling into my back. I smiled before turning around and guiding him backwards. He hit the counter gently and looked up at me innocently, making me groan.
I picked him up, setting him on the counter and with one finger under his chin. I kissed him. Our mouths met, it was rough and messy, but I didn’t care. Donghae wasn’t sure how to react, but slowly with a little coaxing, he loosened up. His mouth responded sure and hesitant, and it was one of the best kisses of my life.
Hankyung swallowed back the lump in his throat, his hand coming up to stroke the silky, soft locks of hair in front of him. If he had been asked earlier, he might have said reading this would have made his dislike for Takki intensify, but they were at an agreement. The other man had risked his life so they could stay together, and for that, he was immensely grateful.
June
Donghae and I were in the park, the sun was scorching, and as Donghae pointed, out the pavement was hot enough to scramble eggs on, which in return made me ruffle his hair.
“Takki hyung, push me?” Donghae asked quietly, his eyes shining and the light sheen of sweat making him glisten in the sparkling sunlight. The rays danced across his face, enhancing his beauty.
“Sure,” I pushed the swing, my tank top sticking to me in an uncomfortable way. I was drenched in sweat, but I would do this all day for Donghae.
“Hyung, stop and stand over there,” I did as I was told. I stopped and watched him leap off, instinctively I ran, arms coming up to catch him. He blinked at me, before laughing and kissing the tip of my nose. I leaned in to kiss his nose back and shivered.
“Cold?” Donghae asked me. I nodded, before kissing his nose once more, it was cold like a puppy’s, but then again, Lee Donghae was loveable like a puppy.
July
“Hyung?” I was roused out of sleep, my mind was incoherent, all I knew was someone was calling my name.
“Ugh,” I moaned into the covers, face burrowing deeper.
“Hyung?” Another whimper was released from the boy in the doorway. I shot out of bed, realizing it wasn’t just in my nightmares.
“Yes?” I opened my eyes and the sight that met them nearly killed me. Donghae was standing in the doorway; his face reflected his devastation. He wrung his sleeves before bringing them up to his eyes, to dry them.
“I had a nightmare hyung, and the neighbors are yelling and...” Donghae sobbed. I stood up, collecting the boy in my arms and kissing all his fears away.
Hankyung shot up and curled up beside Donghae, placing tender kisses in his hair. Donghae had been so young then, so naïve and innocent in the book. It broke his heart that he hadn’t been there for him sooner, but then again maybe they wouldn’t be here today if he had.
October
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Donghae,
Happy birthday to you.
I watched him blow out the candles, his face radiating joy, and for once I couldn’t picture what my life would be like without him, what it had been like without him.
“What did you wish for?” I asked him later that night as my fingers skimmed up and down his arm, before I rested them in his palm. My fingers drew delicate patterns against his skin, before I joined our fingers together.
“I can’t tell you hyung,” He responded, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. I laughed at his cute expression and kissed him under the stars in the park, on top of the quilted blanket.
“Why not?” I asked, pulling him in between my legs and holding him close, back to chest, as I stroked his hair. I felt him yawn, heard him mewl adorably, as he clung to my arm and leaned into the soothing touch.
“‘Cause it won’t come true,” Donghae whispered. I nodded and pulled him closer, feeling him shivering in the quickly chilling air. I unfolded the spare blanket and draped it around his thin frame.
“How does it feel to be fourteen?”
“The same as thirteen, I’m only a day older than I was yesterday hyung,” He giggled, and the sound was like music to my ears.
“True,” I replied, watching as his eyes shone, the reflection of the stars painted in them, and it made my heart swell. He turned around to smile at me, and I couldn’t resist. I pulled him close, hands sliding into his back pockets and pulling him against me. I kissed him feverishly under the stars all night long, not caring about how it looked to any outsiders.
November
Donghae was curled up cutely on the couch when I arrived home from another mission. He had been upset that I left. I smiled and kissed him, tugging at his pants; his breath came out in short gasps and his eyes questioned softly.
“Relax, I’ll make it up to you I promise,” I whispered hotly in his ear, before dropping my head down to suck on his neck. He nodded and gasped louder as I dropped to my knees, hands coming up to stabilize his hips. His fingers wound into my hair and he mewled as I took him into my mouth.
He shook, his body going weak after a few pumps, and I chuckled as I carried him off to bed. He was so cute when he was sleepy. He clung to me, mumbling something about not leaving him anymore, and so I stayed. My fingers danced up his bare back, his body lurched forward, still sensitive from the intimate act we had just performed.
January
I pushed him onto the bed gently, always gently. I smiled and pressed kisses to his face and neck, showering and smothering him with my love. He trembled as we stripped, hands leaving fleeting, teasing touches that made both of us groan.
“I love you.”
“I love you too Takki,” He gasped, as I prepped him, slow and gentle, never rough or fast. I wanted him to remember this, wanted him to cherish his first time always.
His expressions fueled me on, until he was grinding back against me, eyebrows furrowed together.
“Fuck,” I laughed and twisted my fingers just right. His soon coherent, dirty talk turned into silent moans and screams. When I pushed into the tight confines of his heat, I kissed away the stray tears, and swallowed every gasp that left him with every sharp shallow thrust into him.
He’s beautiful when he’s writhing underneath you. His expressions, his noises, the way that he moves, every moment of it is just stunning.
Hankyung set the book down and curled up behind the younger boy, his hands stroking the bare flesh above his pant-line. Donghae shivered and smiled up at him, rubbing away the sleep.
“Donghae?”
“Hmm?”
“Tell me you love me.”
“I love you, I love you, I love you.” Donghae whispered, Hankyung nodded as he pushed him back onto the bed. Donghae smiled and propped himself up on his elbows, to brush his lips across his lover’s.
Hankyung and he made love in between the satin sheets of their bed. Donghae smiled up at him, spent and exhausted.
“Thank you,” Hankyung whispered, and Donghae smiled that giant, bubbly smile and buried his head into his chest.
“Only you, Hannie, only ever you,” Hankyung nodded mutely and watched as he drifted back off to bed. He hesitated before flipping the journal open once more.
April
Donghae,
If you are reading this, then I have already left. I am so sorry for not telling you why, but I hope you understand that it is for the best. I’ve always loved you, from the very beginning, when you spilt ramen on yourself. Do you remember that, Donghae? Do you? I do. You certainly have grown, both physically, and emotionally. My feelings for you have developed into something more. Something called love, and this is why I’ve left you Donghae, not because I’m scared of you or love, but of what could happen to us.
I am in trouble Donghae, and they will use someone to get to me, it’s hard this way, to be apart, after all our shared time together. I know it hurts, and I know, you’ll cry as you read this, but trust me, it’s for the best.
You may not see it now, but if anything ever happened to you, because of me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
So, for now we part, dear Haehae, but don’t worry, I’ll come back for you.
Love Takki…
P.S. Hae, Teukie will take good care of you until I do come back : )
Hankyung felt his chest constrict as he read the entry, and this is where it all fell apart. This is when Donghae closed himself off.
April
You were right Takki hyung…I don’t understand. I am angry. I am hurt. Why couldn’t you take me with you? I’ll wait for you, Takki hyung. That’s a promise.
May
Still no sign of you…
You haven’t called…
No letter…
You haven’t even shown up once.
How many tears do I need to cry, how long do I need to sit by the phone.
Takki, come back please.
June
Takki come back…. Please.
Hankyung flipped through the same words for 5 pages. They pulled at his heartstrings, how could anyone leave this loveable boy.
The last entry was from Teukie; it was something Hankyung had been interested in.
Donghae, I am not going to date this anymore. Thank you for staying with me this long. As much as it hurts for you to leave me, I knew it would happen one day. I hope you find love and happiness, like that which you have never experienced before.
Good luck pursuing Hankyung, I give you my blessing.
Hankyung smiled at Teukie’s kind words, he knew that the other man had secretly been crushed, but here he was, still wishing his younger lover well, because they were always lovers 3rd.
Hankyung opened up the book and grabbed the ballpoint pen off the nightstand. Hankyung laid both books beside Donghae when he was done; he kissed his forehead before going out to make breakfast. When Donghae awoke to two leather bound notebooks, he was surprised. He flipped open the new one and ran his fingers over the elegantly scrawled words.
Donghae ah,
My sea, my life, my world. Thank you for sharing this piece of you with me. All those emotions you had tucked away in pages has helped me gain more insight into your past.
Thank you, and always know I am here. I am not leaving.
I will not ask you to get rid of this valuable piece of yourself, but to make new memories, scrawl new words. This is forever a piece of you, and I want you to cherish it forever. I have started you off in a new chapter of your life. So I bought you a new book, a book with happier memories, you can share them if you like, but as long as I’m with you, forever and always, I won’t need to read it. I already have been there.
I love you,
Love Hankyung….
Only one thought came to mind and he hurriedly scrawled it down before laying it on Hankyung’s pillow and tucking the old one away, never to be seen again.
No, thank you.